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what levels of friendship are there? - 11/7/2008 5:04:33 PM
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Odile
Posts: 44
Joined: 7/15/2007
From: Northeast USA
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I keep seeing "Can guys and gals just be friends?" posted around. And I've had the same question. However, the majority of my friends happen to be guys and yes I do think we can be just friends. Some of my guy friends and I have grown up with eachother, it's only natural we're close and involved in one another's lives (and so far all my guy friend's girlfriends/wives understand that). BUT, I am wondering when there are truly no romantic notions involved, can you still cross the lines of friendship? And in that, what are the lines of friendship?
I'm not really sure how to ask what I'm thinking, so here's an example:
I remember having this kind of conversation in a group and one of the women said she felt we had to treat every guy as if he was someone else's husband, even a single guy because eventually he would be someone elses husband. It seems to me that with this woman's philosophy she is saying you can never have anything but a surface relationship with a person of the opposite sex. I'm not sure I agree with that. What do you think? What levels of friendship are there? What do those levels look like for cross gendered relationships?
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RE: what levels of friendship are there? - 11/7/2008 5:07:46 PM
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JustJeannie
Posts: 5096
Joined: 6/14/2007
From: the state of confusion
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You pose a very interesting question. I have often wondered the same things. I can't wait to read some other posts on the topic.....
_____________________________
Jeannie
'Cause I'm cool like that....
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RE: what levels of friendship are there? - 11/7/2008 5:26:47 PM
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kd4hvz
Posts: 34
Joined: 11/2/2006
From: Bedford, VA
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My approach is to treat anyone who is more than an acquaintance is to treat them like a Sister. In doing so, they are another person's wife, yes. (I am a male.) But first and foremost they are God's little girl and my Sister. That view has been my position for many years and I have many good relationships, some very close, with my Sisters in Christ.
I very much disagree with always painting male/female relationships as if we were animals that seek to breed with each other with some sort of uncontrollable animal instinct. I, personally, think we can have deep meaningful relationships with people independent of their gender.
For me, there are three labels; stranger, acquaintance, and Sister, with each Sisters being anything from a casual friend to some that are very close.
_____________________________
-Michael in beautiful Bedford, VA
[http://www.kd4hvz.com/]
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RE: what levels of friendship are there? - 11/7/2008 7:14:24 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1938
Joined: 9/26/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: kd4hvz
My approach is to treat anyone who is more than an acquaintance is to treat them like a Sister. In doing so, they are another person's wife, yes. (I am a male.) But first and foremost they are God's little girl and my Sister. That view has been my position for many years and I have many good relationships, some very close, with my Sisters in Christ.
There's good biblical support for this idea:
Do not rebuke an older man, but exhort him as a father, younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, with all purity. 1 Tim. 5:1,2
It's about how to exhort (intreat) a person, but it does set a precedent for how to treat other members of the body of Christ, with the overall command for purity.
Purity - Greek hagneia "pure from defilement," synonymous with "chaste" and the same root word as "holy."
I think Kd4hvz is very wise in the way he treats Christian women like sisters.
quote:
I very much disagree with always painting male/female relationships as if we were animals that seek to breed with each other with some sort of uncontrollable animal instinct.
I agree, but the Bible warns us repeatedly about certain sins, and sexual ones always seem to make the top 5. Specifically, adultery and fornication, but there are others. We are sinners, and none of us is free from temptation.
No, we aren't animals, but many people act out sexually when they are in rebellion against God. And even for those of us who have surrendered to the Lordship of Christ, we still are tempted on occasion. 1 Cor. 7:1,2 says it's not good for a man to even touch a woman because of sexual immorality (this was to the Corinthian church that had some pretty bad sexual sin, and Paul was speaking to Christians, not pagans).
Besides being aware that we can be tempted, we are further bothered by others looking at us and maybe thinking we are engaged in sexual sin because 1) that's what they'd be doing if they had our opportunities and 2) our behavior looks like a precursor to sexual activity, innocent as it seems to us. Yeah, we aren't responsible for other people's sins or head activities, but we are to live in such a way that people see our godly behavior. Paul even said he knew certain things were legal and moral (eating meat sacrificed to idols) but if it made his weak-conscienced brother stumble, he would never indulge in that freedom again. The other person is more important than we are in God's economy.
quote:
I, personally, think we can have deep meaningful relationships with people independent of their gender.
I think it's sometimes possible with mature and disciplined individuals, but I'm going to stay as far from the cliff as I can, not see how close I can get. I just prefer to err on the side of safety, if erring it is. Everyone has to be convinced in their own minds how they will act.
I think there is acquaintance ("Hi, my name is Deermousie, and I work at the desk next to yours"), casual friendship ("Did you get your car fixed? How's Johnny's cold?") and deeper friendship ("I had this thought and I'm confused by what it means about my marriage...").
I get the impression that friendship between guys (and this is half-way tongue-in-cheek) is acquaintance ("Hi, my name is Dude"), casual friendship ("Did you see the World Series final game?") and deeper friendship ("C'mon over and watch the game. The wife will put out a bowl of chips").
It looks like women are talking about their innermost feelings and guys are deciding who has the biggest TV to watch the game on. Obviously this is cartoonish, but when a guy gets into a deep emotional conversation with a woman, it could start processes in her that belong in courtship and he can stumble her. Not sexual, not then, but inappropriate and could open the way to a sexual response later. Just sayin'.
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: what levels of friendship are there? - 11/7/2008 10:46:59 PM
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JustJeannie
Posts: 5096
Joined: 6/14/2007
From: the state of confusion
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Deermousie, thank you so much for that explanation. That makes so much sense. Women, by nature, are more emotional and we take even the most casual of conversations to have deeper meaning than what the gentleman who spoke intended. I am with you on erring on the side of caution!!
_____________________________
Jeannie
'Cause I'm cool like that....
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RE: what levels of friendship are there? - 11/7/2008 11:43:42 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 765
Joined: 11/28/2005
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I see my male friends as "brothers" and my women friends as "sisters"... the other thing is, some of my friends are much older than me... like 20 to 30 years older!
I've also been through some emotionally times with my male friends - like when a couple of them suffered divorces - one guy endured the death of his baby, another male friend found his little brother dead --- the feelings shared went beneath the surface, right to the heart.
I also encouraged them to seek personal counseling/grief counseling etc...
it's always good to have friends to lean on but you also need someone who's unbiased and adapt at counseling someone who's suffering due to divorce, death of a family member/loved etc. I have found this helps to keep friendships healthy and you don't get yourself overloaded/overwhelmed with the other person's problems.
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RE: what levels of friendship are there? - 11/8/2008 12:08:48 AM
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creationtalk
Posts: 703
Joined: 6/9/2005
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My whole life I have had more male friends than female friends. Part of that is simply that there were far more men than women in the places where I was--science classes, men outnumbered women between 6 and 10 to 1--research lab--60 men to 6 women, current job--section: 8 men to 1 woman (me) division: 22 men to 3 women. In many of these situations, those of us who work together have to be a very close-knit team. I treat everyone, male and female the same--as people. Most of the time, however, my closest friendships have been with women...which means at times there have been years where I had no close friends.
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