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questions/answers about protecting self-esteem - 9/23/2008 9:21:31 AM
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sen10tious
Posts: 354
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This is really a thread where you can tell how to build a child's self-esteem—and about how to avoid raising egotists too. You don't have to limit yourself to goodnsimple's question, but that is where it starts:
On the Negative/Positive Remarks thread, goodnsimple asks about protecting self-esteem, but that would have been off-topic to respond there.
quote:
ds8 told his dad this morning he wants to hs too. He says the work is tooooo easy. and he is bored. but he worries he might be bored with hs too.
He is more argumentative than ds11, so I am not sure I am up for both of them.
BUT... we will consider it.
How difficult would it be, when ds8 is probably going to be passing ds11 on many fronts here soon? How do you protect ds11's self esteem. That is one of the reasons I kept ds8 in ps. so the whole thing is less obvious.
First off, self-esteem HAS to be built on unconditional acceptance. If it is built on school performance and grades, then it is built on sand. Kids need to feel secure in who they are in their own right.
I know our culture has over-emphasized that good grades => good self esteem, but that is just one more area where the public schools are off-target. For real, grounded self-esteem, a child needs to feel competent, and that is a whopping difference. I know a girl that I describe as grade-anorexic; just as some skeletal girls never feel thin enough, A's are not good enough for her. She wants A+++. Her self-esteem is in the dumps. So, my point is, even if ds11 ran rings around ds8 academically, he could still have self-worth issues.
I think bringing your younger son home while your other is still 11 will be better than waiting until he is 13-15 (assuming typical maturity) because those are the ages when a boy is testing his self-hood. You can help by reminding ds11 of what is good & unique about him. Also, you say ds8 is argumentative, and dealing with that now, while he is still 8, will be easier than putting it off. Step up and be the parent there because it is unlikely the school will correct that.
And here is a psychology tip: At the times when ds11 is within earshot, don't praise ds8 for his accomplishment in his schoolwork but praise him for his effort instead. That way your older son will realize that you really do value effort and that you are not simply being patronizing when you praise his effort.
< Message edited by sen10tious -- 9/23/2008 9:27:31 AM >
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RE: questions/answers about protecting self-esteem - 9/23/2008 10:32:49 AM
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roligirl
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My girls just informed me today that they really appreciate it when I tell them that something is not so good or that they should do it again if their work is really not great. They say they cringe when I try to be too supportive and call something "very creative".
I thought that was so funny. So instead of always thinking I need to give affirming comments to build self-esteem I see how it needs to be balanced with constructive criticism.
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RE: questions/answers about protecting self-esteem - 9/27/2008 8:32:35 AM
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Sunnymom
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That's a good question- how to build confidence without raising arrogant jerks. 
IMO, it's about teaching kids what is truly valuable. Honesty, compassion, courage, generosity- these are character traits that not only make one feel good about oneself, but actually contribute to society. Along with that is accomplishment- true accomplishment.
I was reading Boys Adrift by Dr. Sax last night, and one point really jumped out at me. The author talks about how men are defined and devalued by society, and he mentions a book title Manliness by Harvey Mansfield, who was attempting to define 'manliness' by using John Wayne as an example of manly manhood. But the author points out that John Wayne (whose real name was Marion Morrison) played the part of a manly man, but was not like the characters he portrayed in real life. Then Dr. Sax uses examples of men like Joshua Chamberlain, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, and Yitzhak Rabin as examples of 'real men'.
This is why I encourage my kids to read books about people who exhibited real character. IMO, when kids watch a biographical film, they equate the actor with the character they portray, and then when said actor is arrested for drug possession or a DUI, or they overdose and kill themselves, the child is disillusioned. Even adults will walk up to an actor and call them by the name of a character they portrayed.
This relates to self-esteem issues IMO because kids (and adults) need a firm grasp on reality and how to deal with it in order to understand and impact the world around them in a meaningful and productive way. If they are living in a fantasy world most of the time, they are not equipped to deal with real life, in which problems are not resolved in a neat and tidy manner after 30 minutes, nor do they win a prize after completing a 'level' of difficulty. Kids can complete amazing feats of bravery and physical accomplishment on a video game, and then when faced with real life challenges, there is no flash and glamor.
For example- What would most kids rather do? Conquer an empire or make a lap quilt for some old lady in a nursing home? But which one are they going to feel better about as they mature?
Those are some of the things that I am working on and trying to implement with my own kids in this area.
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RE: questions/answers about protecting self-esteem - 9/29/2008 9:29:50 AM
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timf
Posts: 521
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self-esteem
Language can be tricky business. For example if you believe that homosexuality is wrong, you are often called "homophobic". Before a debate can even begin you are labeled as defective or having a pathological condition. In England, those who opposed joining the EU were called Euro-skeptics as if their opposition were just some vague doubts.
"Self-esteem" is held up as a desirable condition and that those who do not have it should get it. In reality, low self-esteem is not a condition where something is missing, it is a condition where something is present, an unhealthy self-preoccupation with delusions below reality. Pride is an unhealthy self-preoccupation with delusions above reality.
Many people are told that flattery, condescending compliments, and ego-stroking encouragements are the remedies for those with an unhealthy preoccupation with themselves. In fact, these actions often only fuel greater self-preoccupation.
The remedy for delusion is truth. Jesus is truth. Children constantly striving for parental approval may be signaling that they do not know Jesus or are unable to rest in the love and forgiveness He offers. In families fragmented by working parents, hectic schedules, school, and church activities that can seem like a conveyor belt, it should not be surprising that children can sometimes fail to grow on a foundation of what is important or become lost in various forms of unhealthy self-preoccupation.
The problems of children may be the first time parents consider that the life they have built may be toxic for their family and their children are showing the symptoms.
Homeschoolers almost all have made the decision to forgo two incomes. This points the way to more stable homes and fewer of the problems associated with following the patterns of the world.
Freud started the profession of psychology by observing the repressed, unhappy, maladjusted people he observed in upper class Vienna. He didn't understand sin and was therefore unable to truly understand what he observed, but he was able to identify a toxic developmental environment.
In a way, the material prosperity of our times has produced a similar environment as that of aristocratic Vienna. Children are developing many of the same neurosis, anxieties, social dependencies, and unhealthy self-preoccupations as those people of 100 years ago. Often churches have been so co-opted by the world that they have little to offer but some of the same psychology theories that often caused the problems in the first place.
An important question for parents is "are we growing in the image of Jesus, or are we following the course of the world". If the latter, we might be the most toxic element in our children's environment.
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