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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 6/17/2006 1:52:31 PM
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forgiven4ever
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I had a nice time at Special Olympics, though I did get as tired as I thought I would. But Ed enjoys these outings so much. He loves to watch his kids excell at the events, and he loves to coach the others. Just as I feel I am called to be a teacher, I feel that he is called to be an encourager to these mentally challenged athletes. He is very good at it. It was an exhausting day; his chair wasn't fitting together properly. It is a very heavy power chair, and it is hard enough to lift and put together. But there is something wrong with the chassis so it was even more difficult. So poor, determined Ed walked to the sites. He really pushed himself.
The day was lovely, and the events were fun to watch. There is also an ice cream store at Penn State; where they make their own ice cream, and I tasted a few flavors and they were amazing! We got some Kentucky fried chicken on the way home, so I didn't have to cook. He is very thoughtful, that way.
But the day took a toll on poor Ed, and he stayed in bed all day Sunday. And he really hasn't been himself since then. Completely worn out, and lots more pain. Walking more than a little bit is just too much for him.
Monday was Kyi's 10th birthday. We got him pizza for dinner, and a big Spiderman cake. It was really cool; it had a spinning toy on top.
Wednesday night I had another sleep study. They found that my sleep apnea can be helped by a C-PAP machine, and so I will be getting one soon.
Thursday we went to the county pool, and had a good time, though the water was WAY too cold.
Thursday night, he couldn't sleep. When I got up Friday morning, he sadly told me that the pain was so bad that he needed to go to the hospital. I knew the routine, and helped him pack his things and call the ambulance at 5am. He was taken in. At 6, I woke up Kyi and brought him next door so I could go to work. I knew that there was no one to take my place on the floor (I was scheduled to be in charge) and I also knew that it would be better for me to be busy at work; then driving Ed crazy as he waited in the ER. Besides, he wouldn't be far from me.
I got through the day at work yesterday and only burst into tears twice. It was a really busy day, and I had some very sick patients on the floor. I kept in touch by calling him. The doctors feel that his chest pain was a good reason to admit him to the heart floor. At first they wanted him in the ICU, because one of the meds that he needed was one that can only be monitored in an ICU, but there wasn't a bed available. As a matter of fact, here it is; 1:40 pm on Saturday afternoon - 33 hours from when he went in, and he is still in the ER because the hospital is so full!!!! But they are giving him what he needs. His heart doctor is doing some tests.
I try not to worry when this happens. I love him, and I am a worrier, but I know that God is in control. Considering his condition, he and I both know that every day is a gift from God. But I still get a bit tearful if I think of it too much. I am home, because I have so much to do. Today we had planned to take Kyi and four of his friends to the movies, to celebrate his birthday. We are going out for ice cream afterwards. I didn't want to disappoint him, because he deserves his party. So Ben said he would come, and drive the van, and help me herd the kids. We are going to see "Over the Hedge". I talked to Ed a few hours ago, and he sounds better. I will see him tonite, when I go to work. Kyi will spend the night next door; at Shirley's house. Thank God for Shirley.
I am OK... I am trying to trust the Lord and give Ed into his care. This happens every few months so I am trying to pretend it is no big deal. Mostly, I just want to ask God to take care of him.
Please say a prayer for my sweetheart. Thank you
God bless you all!
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 6/18/2006 3:18:16 AM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
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Ed finally got a room, and he is much more comfortable. But he is frustrated because they still don't know what is causing the increased pain. The tests don't show much more. But I got to see him before I went to work tonight, so I was glad. Tomorrow I will go to church, and Becky will come over after church, and take Kyi out so that I can sleep in the afternoon.
The movie was so funny! I am glad we didn't cancel the party. The kids all liked it. So did Ben and I. After the movie, we went to an ice cream store, and then Kyi and the kids went swimming in the pool next door. It was a good day for him.
I am at work now. This is my "lunch break". I wish I were home, or with Ed. But this is where I must be for now.
Please continue in prayer.
God bless you all!
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 6/20/2006 12:54:27 PM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
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For those of you who follow this blog, you will be glad to know that Ed is doing much better. He may come home tonight, or tomorrow. They put him on some new pain meds, and they want to see how he does with it. He sounds like his old self, and what a relief that is!
Kyi has been so good. He has been very patient with me. I have been a real trial because of lack of sleep, and he has alternated a few hours in his room with a few hours outdoors. He started going to the nearby playground in the morning, and he really likes that. He caught some crayfish this morning! Tomorrow, the playground kids get to go bowling, and Kyi can't wait.
This coming weekend, I am planning on driving down to North Carolina to see my family. My brother, sister and mom all live down there. I haven't seen my mom in 2 years, because of the distance. She is very forgetful, but she keeps asking for me. We are leaving Friday at lunch time (I am working Thursday nite, so we will leave when I wake up!) and coming back Sunday after going to church down there. We will stop in Virginia and pick up Christina.
I have been looking forward to this for some time. It is Ed & my 2nd anniversary, on the 26th and it was to be part of the gift we would give to each other. Now, it doesn't look likely that he will go. I am going to ask his kids to look in on him this weekend. I will leave some prepared meals for him, and they can help him with whatever he may need. But I feel like I have to go. My mom has been asking for me for awhile, now, and this is the only 3-day weekend I will get this whole summer. Ed understands and is encouraging me to go. I hate driving such long distances, but once we hit Virginia, Christina can help drive. It will be a great trip.
I am relieved that Ed is doing better and am looking forward to seeing him soon!
God bless you all
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 6/22/2006 12:34:36 PM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
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Ed came home Tuesday evening and seems tired and sore but better. I am glad to have him here, but we have been disagreeing. I am concerned about his ability to endure the trip this weekend. I can remember going to Special Olympics, and how much a half day trip wore him out. The trip this weekend will be 10 hours' drive, and feature getting in and out of the car at several places (including my sister's boat!) and going to see my mom in the nursing home. He would take his walker, but I still think it is too much for him. The van's air conditioning isn't that great, so here is a man who just got out of the hospital; with new strong pain meds, in a hot car on a long trip. I just don't think it is a good idea. Yet, it was hard for me to tell him this because it sounds like I don't want to spend time with him. I do... but when he is tired he is difficult to deal with, and I want/need to enjoy this trip. Another thing is that I don't handle a large car, like the van, very well. Which means constant criticism of my driving, and he can't seem to stop reading road signs to me despite my being 52 years old and having an IQ of 150! His wife and two of his kids are learning disabled so he got used to doing this and can't stop. To me, it is beyond annoying.
He told me yesterday that he wants to go, because it was supposed to be our anniversary trip. Our anniversary isn't til Monday, and I would be home by then. If he goes, I will be worried about/arguing with him all the way down and back. It will be hot and exhausting and I will have much less enjoyment. I want him to stay home and rest. He just got home from the hospital! He has three kids who can look in on him. I will leave prepared meals. I will carry my cell phone. And, God forbid, if he gets ill again or has a bad reaction to his new meds, I want him near his doctors!
He says he will let the doctor decide, today. We are getting ready to go soon. But he is very stubborn and his mind seems made up. I am tempted to slip the doctor a twenty so he will say Ed can't go. OK... I really won't... but despite loving him and wanting to be with him, having him on this trip poses too many potential problems and I want to avoid them.
I also had a disagreement with Christina today. Now remember, she is an 18 year old unmarried female. She told me today she has a new best friend, and it is an 26-year old married man. Warning bells!  She says I am too old-fashioned and nothing is going on; they are just friends. She says he is a Christian who is going through some problems with his wife. I told her to back off, and to advise the man to get some advice/friendship from his male buddies, and/or pastor. She says I am delusional. That women and men can be friends. Yes, they can... I have male friends. But there are degrees of friendship, and the relationship she was describing with this guy seems like an emotional affair. She says there is no such thing. I know full well that there is. She is an adult, and she can and will make her own decisions, but I think she is playing with fire.
OK... other than arguing with everyone I love, I am OK. Yesterday I got to work with my two new student nurses for the first time. I had a blast. I began noticing people gathering as I was talking to the nurses, and as I would work with them outside each room. They say I still sound like a teacher, and they say it sounds like something they should listen to! That is the best compliment I could get!
I got my CPAP (breathing machine) today, and I can see that it will take some time to adjust to it. It feels weird on my face, but if it eventually helps me sleep better, I am all for it.
Kyi has been going to the playground every day, and he loves it! Yesterday he brought me to the creek, and showed me a jar full of crayfish that he caught. Then he let them go. He also went bowling with the gang yesterday, and really enjoyed it. I am really glad that we signed him up.
I guess that's all for now. Please say a prayer that whatever happens, we will have a good time, and that Ed will be OK. If he goes with us, please pray for my attitude. I love him, but long car trips with him are not much fun.
God bless you all!
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 6/23/2006 8:19:57 AM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
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Ed was told by the doctor that he cannot go, this weekend. I feel a tiny bit guilty for going away and having a weekend of fun without him, but am mainly relieved because he will now be able to rest, and I won't worry so much. I am leaving today; about 1pm for the trip.
Last night at work I struggled with resentment toward one of my coworkers, until God helped me see it in a different way. If you have read my blog for awhile, you will remember the problems I had when I transferred from night shift to day shift. The staff resented me and made it very difficult for me to be part of the team. I was treated like garbage because this made it necessary for all the nurses (including me) to have to rotate onto night shift. I have only just gotten to the place where I feel like I am somewhat part of the team. It's been six months since the transfer. And I only began to train to be the charge nurse - a function which I love and wish I could do every day! - after 4 months on the day shift.
One of my coworkers, who has worked a few years on the floor as an LPM, has now graduated RN school and is now training as an RN. When the manager first talked to him about this, he agreed to take the full time night shift job. But within 2 weeks, he changed his mind. Even before his graduation, he decided to stay on days. Does anyone resent HIM? No. Does anyone tell HIM he is selfish and awful because he wants to work days? No. And today, his SECOND day of training on the unit as an RN, he is training to be in charge. I was so upset. It just isn't fair, and I found myself angry with him.
But I prayed about it, and realized it isn't him I am upset with. I am not really upset about the way they are treating him. He deserves to be treated that way. The point is: SO DID I. THAT is why I am upset. I thought I had gotten over my unfair treatment, because it is now better. But I must still hold a resentment. It smarts. It is as if he is a better nurse than I am, but that is only my own insecurity talking.
Oh well... no work for me til Monday. I will take Kyi to the playground; then I am off to the sunny South. I hope we have a good time. I pray Ed will relax and be as well as he can be.
God bless you all!
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 6/27/2006 2:19:06 PM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
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We had a wonderful weekend. Ed rested most of the time, and his kids came to be sure he was eating and had everything he needed.
The drive to Virginia on Friday was nice, except that the traffic around Washington DC was terrible! I left the house around 1pm, and didn't get to Christina's house until 7! And we only stopped twice.
We picked up Christina, and went about 10 miles south and stopped for dinner. Then we drove south toward North Carolina. We planned to stop about midnight. We were having such a great time, talking. I was asking her about her life, and about what she wanted for the future. About what sort of guy she wants to date (her longterm goal is to get married, have kids, and be a stay-at-home mom). The conversation was so good that we didn't look at the gas tank, and ran out of gas!
We got stuck on Route 95, at 11:30pm and were at least 10 miles from a gas station. First I tried to call AAA, but they put me on hold for 40 minutes and then hung up. So I called the highway patrol. They took 45 minutes, and then told me that the only thing they could do is to call a wrecker. We had no choice. So we called one, and it took an hour to get there. That very nice State Trooper waited with us, the whole time. The wrecker guy towed us to the next town (just our luck; he didn't have any gas on his truck!) and we filled the tank. By then, it was 1:45am and we just went across the street and checked into a motel. Christina, who had been driving, was very apologetic about letting the tank run dry. Kyi thought it was a "cool" adventure.
The next morning, we had breakfast at Denny's. The service was SLOW. But we made it to my brother's house in NC at 11am. My brother was due home in 10 minutes, so we waited for him. He brought us to the nursing home where my mom is. My mom used to be a forceful, intelligent, outspoken person. She used to be an ordained minister and a prayer warrior. She said her piece about everyone's business. She was never at a loss for words. Now .... she has dementia and can't put together a complete sentence. I am convinced that she had no clue who I am. I told her, but she didn't say anything that made sense. When I last saw her, she had been confused but coherent. Now, she is a shadow of her former self. What a terrible situation. I could see that they had her clean and well-groomed, but her mind is gone.
In the afternoon, we all went to my sister's home. She and her boyfriend own a lovely home, and a boat. We went out on the boat, and stopped at an island where we went swimming. It was a state park and it was near the ocean. It was a gorgeous day, and the water was perfect. Such an incredible day; we talked about all the things we remembered from our childhood.
We had dinner in a little 50's diner, and then I went to the motel. The kids slept at my brother's house, in their cousins' rooms. Christina went to a party with her college-age cousins, and stayed out late.
In the morning, we went to church. My brother's church is very nice. My mom went to church. She was pretty much the same - except when the hymns were sung. She perked right up and sang every word. What a profound transformation!
We had lunch at Subway, said goodbye to my NC family, and headed back.
We made it back to Virginia to drop off Christina about 7pm, and it took me til 1am to get home to Pennsylvania. The rain was very heavy, and I had to go slowly. The drive wasn't bad, except for the weather.
All in all it was a wonderful time. Ed's new pain meds are helping him with the pain, but they make him feel so weak that he doesn't want to take them. Yesterday on our anniversary he forced himself to wake up and eat dinner with me, but then went right back to bed. He only wants to feel like himself again, and no longer believes that can ever be possible. I am praying for him... I want to help him but I don't know how.
Thanks to all of you for your prayers
< Message edited by forgiven4ever -- 6/27/2006 6:45:39 PM >
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 7/3/2006 1:40:17 AM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
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I am very thankful to say that Ed is doing better. He is going to see the doctor on Friday. I hope for both of our sakes that he can drive, because he is really going stir-crazy, and so is Kyi. I think he is getting used to his medications. Though they don't completely control his pain, they do take most of it away. He is content with that. Last night, he felt well enough to take me to Red Lobster for dinner. It was a delayed anniversary dinner and we really enjoyed it!
Yesterday we also had an argument. He asked if he could go with me to the grocery store. Whenever we go together, he always ends up doing a lot of impulse buying, and it drives me nuts. I shop with the budget in mind, and I planned my whole day according to my schedule. I knew if he went, both the budget and the schedule would be in trouble. He promised that wouldn't happen... said he just wanted to spend some time with me. I knew it was a bad idea, but I let him come. Well, he didn't do any impulse food buying, but he did want some fireworks. I thought he was just getting a few sparklers. In NJ, fireworks are illegal and I am not used to seeing them available in stores. Ed went to another checkout counter and loaded up most of a cart FULL of fireworks! He doubled our weekly budget, and didn't understand why I got upset. He says I hate to see him have fun. That's not really true, though I admit it is harder for me to do or buy something just for fun. But our budget was already tight, and then he got all those fireworks! Plus, we had to wait for a handicapped lane to open and it delayed our trip for at least a half hour. I was fuming when I went home, and it took a while for me to calm down. Red Lobster helped.
In church today, the pastor was talking about the true meaning of fellowship, and showing love to members of the Body. And I felt the Spirit dealing with me, because it has been such a struggle for me to see Pennsylvania as "home", and, by extension, to see my "new" church as "home". I have lived here a year now, and I find myself still thinking "I am from NJ". I miss my old church so much. I can't explain why ... I just felt so accepted there. I knew that I was a part of that group, and I looked forward to church. The new church is a wonderful group of people, but I just havent' been able to feel as though they are my "family". There is nothing wrong with any of them. Some of them are very nice. One of the women is the closest thing I have to a friend, here in Pa. But I still long for my old church, and wish I were there instead of here. The pastor preaches the truth, and he is a good man, yet I find myself comparing him to the NJ pastor. I felt God telling me that it is time to ask Him to help me love the people I am with; to accept the place He has called me, and to accept that I am from Pa. This is hard, though after a year you would think it wouldn't be.
I worked last night, and I am working tonight. I don't like night shift, and I pray that whatever my next assignment is, I won't have to rotate to nights.
God bless you all!
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 7/5/2006 11:27:20 AM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
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I want to preface this entry by saying that it will be rated "PG". All the kids out of the room? Good!
I have always been honest in my blog. It is always good to be able to have one place where I can be completely honest and open. Sometimes, writing things here has helped me see them in a new way. I hope this is a case like that.
I love my husband, and I believe he is a gift from God. But if you have read this blog for the past year, you'll know that our relationship has had its challenges. One of them that especially challenges me is our "intimate" relations. I have missed making love to him so much, but since his surgery in October he has been mostly unable to perform, physically. He has often told me that he is upset and frustrated about this, because he loves me and wishes he could make me happy. I hesitate to discuss it with him, for this reason. What am I supposed to say? I am frustrated? He knows it, and this makes him feel worse. I wish we could? He knows that, too... and so does he. So I try to put it aside in my mind, and I avoid talking about it. Once in awhile, one of us will joke about it. But the mood and the setting has to be precisely right. His inability to work has already made him feel less than manly; if he dwells on this, he just gets depressed and morose.
In the beginning, when it had only been a month or two, I kept thinking it would happen in time, and that I would just be patient. It even felt as though he was rejecting me, for awhile. When I first helped him into the shower at home, I couldn't help but notice that I was standing in front of him in my birthday suit.... and there was no "reaction" at all. I am already insecure enough... I felt even more so, when this happened.
But as time went by, I knew it wasn't me. I got to know that side of Ed pretty well, in our first year of marriage. If he could have, he would have. So I just asked God to help me through. And He has. He has helped me concentrate on the other aspects of our marriage. In the 9 months since his surgery, Ed and I have only been able to be intimate once. That is a shame, but it is reality.
Lately, the lack of intimacy has really been a challenge for me. With him in so much pain, he is cranky all the time, or sleepy. He is difficult to deal with, and I long for something loving and sweet to help us through this difficult time. But he can't. His physical difficulties make even hugging and snuggling too painful, so I go without those, too. Sometimes, I think that I miss the snuggling just as much as the "main event". Lately, I have even had very colorful erotic dreams. I would never cheat on Ed, but these dreams make me feel guilty...as if I am planning to cheat. I know I wouldn't. NOT that guys are lining up outside the door.
On Monday, we were talking about something and Ed told me he wanted to try to be intimate, that night. At first, I was so glad. But then I moved closer to him and realized that he needed a bath before I could be comfortable, next to him. I hated to tell him this, because I know that moving enough to bathe is also uncomfortable. But I had to be realistic. So I playfully suggested that we bathe together. That made him angry. "I'm finally ready to be romantic, and you've gotta criticize me?" He saw right through my ruse. I was so ashamed. The mood was gone.
Now, I wish I could take back what I said. But I told the truth. Yesterday, he let me give him a shower. I tried to take the initiative, and turn it into romance, but he wasn't able/interested. I sense such hurt and anger. I did apologize.
I am asking God to change my nose, the next time he asks. I do want a love life with my husband, and I do want to be a good wife. I know he needs help to wash, but his need for intimacy should have come first for me, under the circumstances.
< Message edited by forgiven4ever -- 7/5/2006 11:36:13 AM >
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 7/9/2006 8:47:15 AM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
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Nothing to report about the above situation, but we did have a major blowout argument yesterday. I am still pretty upset. I love Ed, but we definitely have some challenges that the Lord is working out between us. That's what marriage is all about. I know that my part in this is going to require yet more changing within me, but I am still too upset. I am praying for help.
I will get to the substance of the actual argument in a bit, but I just want to say in preface that as a nurse, I see anger in patients alot. Very strong and critical anger. Lashing out at the nurse, who is doing their best to be helpful - at small or large things. Because anger is about lack of control. It is because the patient sees that there is a limit to what he can do for himself. So they get upset with the person who has influence over any aspect of those limitations - the nurse.
Ed has been feeling very frustrated, especially lately. When the doctor took away his driving privileges, it restricted him to the house. It is a small house and there isn't much here to do or see. So he is already upset. Add that to the situation from my last blog entry, and he was probably feeling a great deal of resentment toward me.
On Friday we went to the doctor again, and the doc says that Ed still shouldn't drive. We had been planning a weekend trip to see some very famous fireworks, but the doc said he shouldn't travel that far. So he had to cancel our plans. He had already rented a power wheelchair for the weekend. So we made some local plans, that we would all hopefully enjoy. Ed needed a refill of his pain medicine, and the doc gave him a prescription. I asked him if he could wait til the morning to fill the pain med prescription and he hesitated. I should have realized that he was trying to say please get it then. But I was exhausted from working all day, and then running to the doctor right after work. All I wanted to do is make dinner and relax. I should have seen that he needed the pain med.
In the morning I asked when he wanted to leave for the events we had planned. He said he couldn't go anywhere until 10 because he needed his pain med first. I heard some anger in his voice and asked why. He said he hadn't slept all night because of the pain, and added that it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been so lazy and selfish. I didn't understand why he'd say this. So he said I should have known he needed the meds last night. I shouldn't have even asked. I tried to apologize but there was more. The main points are that he feels that I spend too much time on the computer, or reading books. That I am a terrible housekeeper, and the messy house really bothers him. That everything in our lives together is always my way and never his way. He feels I ignore Kyi, and that whenever I ask him if he wants something to eat or drink, I always say "OK, in just a second" but it turns out to be a "long time".
It went on like that for awhile.
Some of it is justified, I will admit.
I AM a terrible housekeeper. Even at my best efforts (and I can't say I give them) the house would never be kept as clean as his ex-wife and daughter used to do for him. We are all very sloppy people and I spend (in my estimation) much of my evenings washing dishes, and clearing them up from the living room. But they never seem to get done. The living room carpet seems to collect dust and debris, and I often don't vacuum as I should. The bathroom is small, and there are always towels on the floor. (If each person wouldn't take a new one each time....) The house does look very messy and the landlord at one time told us that we would be evicted if we didn't clean it up. That was when I began using Shirley (next door) as a housekeeper. But having her once or twice a week cleans the house for that day only. By two days later, it has built up again.
Ed likes to keep stuff around his chair. He gets magazines and newsletters but hasn't the energy to read them. So there is a pileup around his chair, and he doesn't want it messed up. So I suppose I avoid vacuuming to keep away from that.
In my defense, I work hard. I work full-time, and rehab is a physical specialty. I am lifting and moving people all day, except when I am in charge. But being in charge means being on my feet all day, so when I get home I am usually exhausted. I am overweight, and over 50. I am not in the best shape I could be. All I want when I get home is some peace and quiet, and a little rest. But there is dinner to make, and usually a sink full of dishes from whatever Ed and Kyi ate during the day. So I make dinner and do some dishes. While it is in the stove, I relax by either reading or playing computer games. Yes, I get upset when people talk to me during my games. It is my main source of enjoyment. I left my friends, family and familiar things back in NJ. Here, I have many acquaintances but only my husband for a friend. I have a mostly-good job, but it is not the job I truly crave. But I do it because I recognize that my family needs the salary and benefits that it provides.
He says that everything in our lives in my way, but last week he spent money we couldn't afford for fireworks. I have given up countless weekends off to take him and/or Kyi to places I don't want to go. I sit through endless evenings of sports and history shows because that's what he likes, and he has the remote. When I ask for a reality show, he claims I am taking my attention away from the family. I gave up my reality TV blog for the summer, because he asked me to.
As for Kyi, I do try to pay attention to him, and to a great extent I do. But after about 5 minutes of listening to the endless details of a video game, I want to tune him out and the only way to do that is to ask him to be quiet. When he interrupts one of my computer games, I do tell him to please be quiet. Ed asks everyone to be quiet for most of every day so he can nap, but when I ask Kyi for quiet, he tells me I am ignoring my child.
I can see this from his point of view. His world is here, and his main source of stimulation is the TV and me. So he is picky about the TV shows he watches, and he is dissatisfied with me. There is much more I could do here, in the way of housework. I know it. But I am out of energy. I am tired. I am homesick. I escape into the computer or books because it is my "drug".
Yesterday he did apologize, and I did forgive him, but it is stuck in my head. He is right that I am not good enough at taking care of him, yet I feel like I am already giving/doing too much. That I don't have someone to take care of me (except God). We ended up going to the zoo yesterday (he was so happy to be in a power chair, and being able to move quickly. That was a pleasure. Kyi raced him a few times, and that was good to see, too. ) I was so tired, but I knew I had to do this for both of them. All I wanted was to go home and take a shower and a nap.
After that, we went to the Hershey factory. We rode the ride and saw the show. They had a good time, and at least it was cool in the room so it wasn't so bad. And Ed's chair is easy to load and unload. So it was OK. We went home, and had salmon. I got to rest for most of the rest of the evening.
Today I am taking them to a baseball game. I HATE baseball games, and I really need a day to myself. Nope. Going to the ball game.
I just can't stop thinking about it.
I am just not giving enough effort to my job as wife and mother.
But I am already exhausted from the effort that I am currently giving.
I don't know what to do.
I am praying that God will help me through this, because my mind is so torn in so many directions.
Thanks in advance for your prayers.
God bless you all
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 7/12/2006 1:16:43 PM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
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I wanted to write an update. I appreciate those of you who pray for us, and those who took the time to write to me directly.
I am feeling much better and much less upset. I did go to the baseball game, and though it probably won't ever be my first choice for an activity, I didn't really hate it, and there were some moments I enjoyed. I would do it again, and that is saying alot.
Our argument effected my mood all day Sunday, but by Monday evening I was calm and ready to talk. Kyi was next door at someone's pool, so we had a chance to discuss the situation. Ed said he really hadn't meant to be so mean about what he said, and that he would try to bring up his disagreements sooner; rather than letting them stew.
We came to a compromise agreement. I agreed to do a certain amount of housework on a weekly basis, circumstances permitting. I began by vacuuming the living room and cleaning the cat box. Kyi helped by doing part of each task. Tonight I will clean and wash the kitchen floor. Tomorrow I will do the bathroom. If I divide the public parts of the house into 6 areas, I can do one each day, (unless there is a real family problem, or I am out of town) and then save Sundays for resting. That way, it doesn't get out of hand. And because Ed really wants the house cleaner than that will get it, he agreed that I can hire Shirley twice a week to make up the difference.
We also talked about the difference between what I think of as a weekend off (relaxing and being left alone) and what he thinks of as a weekend off (call all the kids and pile in the car and go somewhere/do something). We agreed that we will try to take a family trip only every other weekend, so that I can get some relaxation.
We did get alot accomplished. I don't know if I can call it settled, but I do feel better about it.
Today I went to my Education Council meeting, and got put on a subcommittee. I said I didn't care which one they put me on, because I don't really like committee meetings. But it is required. So God blessed me, because the one I got put on has the job of reading and researching articles, and then writing summaries about them for the nursing dept newsletter! I couldn't have picked one I'd like better; if I tried! Thank God.
Kyi is leaving for two weeks in Ohio, on Saturday so I am spending the rest of the day doing laundry and beginning to packing his suitcase. He went bowling with the playground group. He really likes bowling, so Ed and I are thinking of letting him join a bowling league this fall. I am so glad to find something that he loves so much!
There is a new extern at work, and I am again in charge of her training. This one is shy and timid, and seems very much unlike the other two girls. So I am praying for the best way to reach her, and the best way to help her find her confidence.
Next week is VBS at our church, and I am preparing to teach the 5th graders. The theme is "Arctic Edge" and all the decorations are of icicles, and snow stuff. Hopefully just looking at those arctic decorations will cool the kids off. But I am looking forward to teaching them.
God bless you all
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 7/17/2006 1:25:08 AM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
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I am working the night shift tonight, and I am really tired. I worked last night, went to church, and slept only a few hours this afternoon before I had to get up for VBS. It was the first night.
My experiences with teaching are mostly with adults and high school kids, so they gave me the "oldest" group of kids, which is the 5th graders. I prepared as best I could, but I have only 3 kids in my class. Two of them are ADHD and learning disabled. One of the two can't read at all. The VBS materials are intended for kids who CAN read, so I was making lots of spur-of-the moment changes. Tonight's lesson was about the courage to know that God is the one true God, and to share that with your friends and family. All of these kids have heard the gospel before, but it was a good lesson. They hadn't heard the story (Elijah and the prophets of Baal) and thought it was cool that even though Elijah poured so much water on the sacrifice, the fire of God came down and burned it anyway. We played one game where they had to stand on paper plates, and pretend they were icebergs. They had to do crazy movements and throw balls across the room, and pretend they would fall in the icy lake (off the "icebergs") if they got off balance. This was to illustrate how we can "balance" our lives by our knowledge of God. It was fun, even though I had to turn around and go to work almost as soon as I got home.
Saturday, I drove about 4 hours from our house to meet Kyi's grandparents, who live in Ohio. He goes there to visit them for 2 weeks each year, and he gets to see his dad during that time. He really looks forward to it. They usually rent a cabin in the country and he likes that, too. I miss him the second he is gone, but it is nice to have peace and quiet. I am sorry he isn't here this week, because he would really have enjoyed the VBS.
Ed is trying to be so sweet to me. I think he is truly sorry for losing his temper. We were talking about our yearly trip to the Special Olympics fall festival. It isn't going to happen until November, but I want to begin praying about it now. Last year, I had a miserable time there. Ed was so terribly cranky, and I had a very hard time pleasing him. For some reason, whenever we travel together, he gets very critical (especially if I am driving) and orders me around like I am a child. He has a certain way of doing things for Special Olympics. There isn't anything wrong with that, but he has no patience in explaining it, and wants it done immediately. He treats me as though I am a servant, and the weekend is no fun at all for me. I know that Special Olympics is very important to him. I believe God has given him this to do; now that he can't work any more. So it is especially important for him to do it. He can't do it alone, because of his disabilty. So we have to work together to find a way for him and I to work together without me being miserable. I think it is a great organization, and I don't mind giving up my time for it. But I won't be treated like a child or a servant. I explained this to him, and he said he understands and does appreciate all that I do. So we are going to pray together between now and November, so that we learn to both be more considerate of the other. I think this will help us in many ways; we need to pray together more, anyway.
Christina is OK but I can tell she misses us. She says that if she could, she'd move back to Pennsylvania. I do respect her decision to stay where she is. She isn't giving up...she realizes this was her choice, and she is trying to make the best of it. But she misses her family and that is understandable. I promised her we will try to visit her for her birthday, in September.
Ed and I have decided to go to Philadelphia, during the first weekend of August. Kyi will be in Massechusetts that weekend (he is a real traveler this summer!) and we want to do something different to get away with each other. I am looking forward to it.
God bless you all
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 7/22/2006 2:23:39 PM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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VBS was great, and even though it didn't turn out the way I hoped it would, I am glad that I did it. I made sure all the kids heard the plan of salvation, and every one of them heard more than once that God loves them and has a plan for their life. I think one of the boys is really struggling with his faith. Though he has been baptized and professes salvation, he said a few times that he wonders if God really loves him. I am glad he was able to share that, so now I know how to pray for him.
Ed and I are OK, but the heat got to both of us this week. I wasn't feeling well most of the week, and he wasn't either. On Wednesday, I actually had to miss VBS because Ed had to go to the doctor with his symptoms. He had some sharp pains in his belly. But thankfully they turned into nothing. The heat makes him very cranky, and when he asks me to do something lately he always gets very sharp with his voice if I don't do it exactly his way. Twice this week, I have stopped in the middle of doing something for him and told him that I would come back when he could speak to me more kindly. Both times I did finish the task later, and both times he apologized. This is working for now, but I see that it may be an ongoing problem. He has a vision in his head of the way he wants things done, and that is fine, but he has no patience for those who are doing the acts for him. He wants us to immediately grasp what he wants, and sometimes we don't. I am praying to be a more patient and loving wife, but I don't think that means I have to take rude and sarcastic comments when I am trying to help him.
Tomorrow, we are all going to Hershey Park for my company picnic. It is about 10 miles from where we live. I wish Kyi was back from Ohio, but Ed's three kids (and some of their kids) are using my tickets. Ed rented a power chair for the picnic. I hope it won't be as hot as it was, and that it will be fun.
I miss Kyi. When he is home, he talks so much and I get frustrated, but when he is gone I miss him so much.
Christina told me that she has a new boyfriend. At least it isn't the married guy, but this guy is 30 years old! (She is 18) She isn't sure if he is a Christian, and I told her she is asking for trouble. She doesn't agree, of course, and doesn't understand why I think she isn't mature enough for a relationship with a 30-year old. All I can do is pray for her... she is stubborn and will do what she wants.
Work is OK, and my boss told me I would get a new nurse to train on Monday. I am looking forward to that. I finished my poster, and I think it looks good.
Today I am going to rest for most of the day, but Ben is coming over later to take the bench seats out of Ed's van so that we can put the chair in it. We agreed to wait until after dinner, when it is a little less hot outside.
God bless you all
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 7/26/2006 12:19:30 PM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
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We had a nice time at Hershey Park, though it really wore me out. I actually got on one ride, (I am afraid of most of them) and enjoyed watching the "kids" as they went on the rest of them.
Today I have been thinking about sex. Sometimes, I miss making love to Ed so much that I think I will go nuts. I have such longings.... I look at him sometimes and long to reach out and touch him and/or hold him. To show him how I feel; in the old familiar ways that used to be possible, in the beginning of our marriage - before his spinal stenosis got worse.
And I sometimes get so sad, and frustrated. Even touching him can sometimes cause such pain for him that I wait until he initiates touch. This sometimes makes me feel undesirable. It certainly makes me feel unfulfilled. So, most of the time, I find myself trying to forget my sexual urges. Kinda the way I did when I was dating Ed, and we were "waiting for marriage". But now, I am married... "allowed" to make love to him, yet we cannot because of his pain and disability.
And the weirdest thing about this is that, because I push my desires away so often, when Ed does get comfortable enough to touch me, it is such a surprise that I can't find myself enjoying it. It usually happens just when we go to bed, and I am so tired by that time (because of the sleeping pills that I take) that the last thing I would want to do is to stay up even a half hour more; even if he wanted to try. So I find myself mentally hoping that all he wants is just a quick hug, as usual... even if I had found myself wishing to make love to him earlier that same day, I often avoid it, at night. Not that he has complained or asked, but I wonder what would happen if he did.
I find myself thinking of all the years that I was single, and how often I sinned in this area. I found myself with so strong a libido that I could often think of nothing but ways to justify its satisfaction. So many times, during the years after my separation and divorce from my husband, I would get myself into relationships with men who professed to be Christians. Yet we would always end up in sexual situations, and I kept justifying these sins. Year after year of going against His Will. And now, that I am married and could use these desires to please my husband, I am thwarted from doing so. Often, I wonder if this is God's punishment for all my years of using His precious gift of sex in such a terribly sinful way. How many brothers in Christ did I help to sin against His Holy Name? I don't want to count it up. I have long ago confessed these sins, but my current situation seems so much like an appropriate atonement that I can't help but wonder if it is my punishment.
Our life together recently has been full of tension, and I know it is a struggle for Ed to see his physical strength, and the ability to control his circumstances slipping away. He lashes out in anger at those who help him, including and especially me, because they do not do things precisely in the way he wants them to. He is cranky and difficult to live with. My own life has been relatively unfulfilling lately, and this situation doesn't help. And I think about what I knew about marriage; when I was contemplating marrying Ed. I knew from past experience that marriage changes people. Once we get through the "wooing" stage and relax, we sometimes become our worst self. And both of us have done this... it is only natural. I knew that no matter how wonderful he was, he would change and his worst habits (as well as mine) would emerge.
So I ask myself, why did I risk marrying him? And the answer is that while we were dating, the thing I admired most about him is his ability to see God in every situation. Ed was an inspiration to me, in my own walk with God. He was the spiritual leader for me, him, Kyi and his son Ben. But after we married, and as his health deteriorated, this stopped happening. Ed still believes in God and still trusts Him and still worships Him. But he doesn't initiate prayer or Bible study, and doesn't encourage me often enough in my own walk.
This made me realize that I can do some things about this. I can pray for Ed. I believe that the man is to be the spiritual head of the household. I can pray that God will help me to help Ed in this role. I cannot do it. He must. I can also pray for God to restore Ed's initiative in this area. And I can pursue my own Bible study and God time until he does. I can do these things, and I believe I will be less discontented.
I thank all of you who pray for me regularly. Please know that I recognize how blessed I am. But life is just not what I wish it could be, and I need to focus more on God and less on my discontent.
God bless you all!
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 7/26/2006 10:15:25 PM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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Please say a prayer for Christina. She is considering moving in with her 30-year old boyfriend. She claims she is still a virgin, and that she intends to stay that way until marriage. But an 18 year old living with a 30 year old.....? To me, it is playing with fire...not to mention that he is not a believer.
Please pray for her. I don't want her to be hurt, and she is asking for heartache.
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 8/2/2006 11:03:23 AM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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Nothing new to report, but I have time to post so I wanted to make an entry. It is unspeakably hot this week, and just a few minutes outdoors is unbearable. I have no energy or motivation to do anything. Last Saturday, we went to pick up Kyi from his trip to see his dad's family. He had a great time. He is already off to his next trip, on Friday. He'll go with his grandpas; to Cape Cod, for two weeks.
Christina seems determined to go ahead with her plans. I can't talk to her about it much, because we just can't see each other's point of view. She really thinks that living with someone isn't a big deal, and that she can "easily" stay pure with him, despite loving him. I hope she is right. Her birthday is in September. So is Ed's daughter, Christina's, so my Christina has decided to come up here to visit, for that weekend. She says she will bring her new boyfriend with her. I do want to meet him, and find out if there is any way I can feel comfortable with him.
Ed has been miserable from the heat, but we are both looking forward to this weekend. We are planning to have a nice trip together, to Philadelphia; for the weekend. I am looking forward to it, and trying not to be worried about how difficult it has been; to travel with him, lately. I really need something pleasant in my life.
I am not feeling too well today, as I really have nothing to do at work. I was supposed to be in charge, but they decided that one of the new nurses needed a turn to be in charge, but I am to serve as their "backup" in case they need help. Well, they don't. And I have done very little, all day. It makes it a very long day, for me.
God bless you all!
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 8/10/2006 9:11:17 AM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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We had a wonderful time in Philadelphia! It is a great place to visit. I haven't been there since I was a kid.
Kyi is off with his two grandpas to Cape Cod. He always has a great time, there.
On Friday night, Ed & I went to the visitor's center and loaded up on tourist brochures. I wanted to see so much! I especially wanted to see the Franklin Institute and the Lights of Liberty show. He wanted to see the Consitution Exhibit and Independence hall. We both wanted to "Ride the Ducks" ( a tour that goes through the city and into the harbor in the same vehicle)
Friday after the visitors center we drove to our hotel. It was very nice. Ed had found a great rate on cheaptickets.com but it was a nice hotel. We just rested and chose the things we would do. I am glad Ed has the power chair with him all the time, or we wouldn't have been able to go anywhere. He was just glad to see that Starbuck's was across the street from the hotel.
In the morning, we started with the things that are closest to the visitor center: the Independence Hall tour and the Constitution center. Both of these exhibits are very moving. They tell alot about the signing of the Declaration of Independence, and made me so grateful for our freedom in this country. I really enjoyed the presentation about the constitution, and there was one room where they have life-sized bronze statues of all the signers of the constitution. One of them is Benjamin Franklin. I am told that I am distantly related to him, so Ed took a picture of me standing next to his statue. One of the other signers is related to our pastor's wife, so we took a picture of his statue, too.
Next, we went to the Federal Reserve bank exhibit. It talked alot about how money moves between different banks, and how the feds are trying to stop counterfeiting and identity theft. It was very interesting. We got two packets of shredded money (that's what they do with money after it is no longer usable). I am sending one of the packets to Christina. I told her that I am sending her something worth $100. Hee!
Believe it or not, after that our morning was shot. We wanted to see the Liberty Bell but the line was crazy long. So we had lunch at the visitor center. We also got our picture taken with a replica of the Liberty Bell. That was nice. Ed had to charge his power chair because his power was getting low.
After lunch, we went to Christ Church graveyard because Ben Franklin (and the pastor's wife's relative) is buried there. That was interesting. It was a very hot day, and I felt as if we walked forever. Ed was in the chair, but even he was getting tired. We had made a reservation for the Lights of Liberty for 9:45 pm and both of us were beginning to wonder if we would make it.
We wasted some time going to a nearby mini-mall because I wanted to get some Advil and I had forgotten to bring a dress for church the next day. I looked and looked, but couldn't find any dress stores that carried plus size; within walking distance.
By 4pm we were beat, but we had decided to have a special dinner. We went to the City Tavern, and it is an awesome restaraunt. It serves Colonial-era food and the waiters all dress in Colonial dress. Because Ed's chair is so large, they sat us outside, but it was lovely and shady. There was a harpist in the garden and it was wonderful. I had bass with crabmeat and it was probably one of the best meals I have had in a long time. It was expensive, but worth it.
After dinner we charged the chair again, and waited for 9:45. By 7:15 we both knew it was no use. We cancelled the Lights of Liberty and went back to the hotel. We watched a movie in our room ("the Ringer" - very good and funny!) and conked out.
The next morning we went to a nice breakfast buffet. I was upset because there was still no skirt or dress to be found, so I had to go to church in my shorts. That was very upsetting to me because I was always taught to show respect by how you dress. I felt very embarassed but no one seemed to care. The church was an old one, and the stained glass windows were wonderful. (I am a sucker for stained glass) The worship singers (a classic quartet) were fantastic and I loved listening to them. The sermon was good, but a bit too intellectual and not Biblically-oriented enough for my taste. Ed agreed.
We went back to the hotel and checked out, and then went downtown. We had about an hour til our "Ride the Ducks". (No, we didn't get to the Franklin Institute, either. Next time!) We just relaxed and had lunch at the visitors center. The duck ride was nice except that the water part made me a bit dizzy. They also give the people these little quack whistles that are very annoying and everyone is blowing them at you and near you til you want to scream! But it was fun and we saw alot of the city. I definitely want to go back and see more.
On the way back home, Ed went to a place that is one of the two which claim to have the original Philly cheese steak. We got a big one and split it. It was great! Mmmmm!
I am home and it's my day off. I am trying to take it easy today. Next week, the hospital is going to be visited by the Magnet certifiers and the administration seems either petrified or excited. Most of the employees are just blase about it. We do a good job every day, so we are not going to change just because someone comes to see that.
I am in charge of the inspection prep for my floor, so I finished all my tasks last week and I am as ready as I can be!
God has been working in my attitude. It is easy to get frustrated when life is difficult, and I found myself very frustrated. But God really is helping me, and I am grateful. When I let Him, He allows me to see frustrating people and circumstances through His eyes.
God bless you all!
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 8/17/2006 2:38:02 PM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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The visit from the Magnet inspectors went well. The management is saying that they were impressed, and I am glad it's over. I am home sick today (something I almost never do) and trying to nap. I heard from Christina a few days ago. She is still upset with me, because I told her that she has made a mistake by choosing to move in with her 31-year old boyfriend. She is also upset because I told her that she has always taken the easy way out; when her jobs get tough, she just quits and runs to whatever is available. I know I can't live her life for her, and she is an adult, but I pray that I could spare her heartache. I know I can't.... but I still pray I could.
Today I heard that I won a short story contest! I have always enjoyed writing (one of the reasons that this blog is such a comfort to me) and I have recently begun to write alot more. I entered a short story in a contest at my local library, and I won first prize! I don't get any money, but I think my picture will be in the newspaper. It just tickles me to think I won. Writing is becoming more important to me, and maybe the Lord wants me to say something for Him.
Kyi is coming home Sunday. I really miss him! He drives me crazy | | |
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