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What if you don't like your spouse anymore? - 2/8/2010 9:59:17 PM
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Ruth181
Posts: 54
Joined: 2/1/2007
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We started dating in 1984 and got married in 1986. During the time we were dating, we were friends. We went places together - out to dinner, the movies or just for walks. He came to my family's house for dinner and I went to his. We spent as much time as possible together. He even came to the office where I worked and we ate lunches together. We spent holidays together and went out to dinner on each other's birthday.
After we were married we didn't have kids until starting in 1988, and even then we still went places and did things - just not quite as much. Most of our arguments involved family - like when to visit his family, my mother (we lived in her house then), things like that. Over the years, we have had four more children. One in 1989, one in 1993 and two in 1998 (boy/girl twins). Jobs have changed and we bought our own house.
Over the years, I have come to a realization that I do not like him. I love him to the extent that I care about what happens to him, we have sex but that is because I need that too not because I desire him.
He has changed over the years as I am sure I have in some ways. Unfortunately, he has gotten worse about so many things. He has let me down in so many ways and I fear he will never change. I have prayed about it and I know God can change anybody, but it doesn't look like it's going to happen. I have even tried talking to him about some things and he has improved for about a day and then it's right back to the old him. Most of the problem is his negativity. He sees the down side of everything, and I mean everything.
Another big problem, which is coming more apparent to me recently is that he does not care about me. He says he loves me (usually after sex), but he does not care about me.
Here is the most recent example. I had to go out of town this past week for a couple days because my mother who had a melanoma on her eye four years ago had a reoccurrence and my sister asked me to go with them in case they had to operate. I wanted to be there for my mom and sister. It didn't cost me anything, as my mother paid for all expenses. It turns out that the melanoma (skin cancer) is now on her eyelid and she will need surgery this week. My husband could not understand why I wanted to go last week or why I am going back this week. He kept saying things like "your sister can handle it" "your mother should see a Dr. close to home" "she expects you to drop everything and go" "they don't need you to go".....why can't he understand that I need to be there?
Then, just yesterday, I told him about a problem with work. I asked my boss not to schedule me for work the morning after I get back from out of town with my Mom. I have no idea when we will get home and I will be tired, so I was thinking I could sleep in, catch up on laundry, whatever. I was telling my husband that my boss scheduled me to work 5 jobs (we are pet sitters) that morning - they start at 6 am! I was looking for sympathy or something from him, instead he says "guess you'll just have to get your butt out of bed and go to work"....where was the "sorry about that" or "guess you'll be tired, too bad she can't find someone else to do the morning jobs". Where was the caring about me? I asked him to repeat himself because I wasn't sure I heard him right. Then I got up from the table and told him to forget it, that I was sorry I ever opened my mouth. I tend to not talk to him about anything important to me anymore because I don't care what he has to say anymore.
He is negative all the time - always saps the fun out of everything. If I suggest that we go someplace, he complains about it. Every summer we try to go to a county fair. Last year we went to one that I picked out and we hadn't been to in a while. He took off from work and went with us, and then complained that it was the worse fair around. I told him he shouldn't have come then. If it wasn't for me - we would never do anything but work and sleep - just exist. Everything that is in any way fun, has been my idea my orchestration. I have to come up with the idea, the babysitter, the dog sitter, the house sitter. I have to arrange all the schedules. And he usually complains about all of it and it's like a cloud over us.
He is not good with the kids. Never has been. He complains about them and the messes they make. He yells at them instead of talking. He yells all the time. Never talks in a normal tone of voice, never has anything nice to say to them. Just orders. Clean that up, hang that up, do this do that.
And we, as a couple, talk about nothing. We talk what to have for dinner and what we need at the store. We talk about our schedules, who has to be where and when. Any time we start to talk about anything of significance he is negative and I lose interest in continuing the conversation. I don't want to argue with him about his opinions because it does absolutely no good.
So what do I do? I don't want to leave him and look for someone else (I'm 47) but I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone I don't even like. We never laugh anymore about anything.
What should we do?
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RE: What if you don't like your spouse anymore? - 2/8/2010 10:26:15 PM
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georgerobbyjr
Posts: 74
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You have to talk to him about these things, about how you feel. Does he know that you're unhappy? Have you discussed these things? For example, have you asked him to be less negative and more supportive or understanding regarding your family? If you can't agree on anything it may be time to for you guys to get marital counseling. Sounds like a cop out but they usually make / teach you how to communicate and more importantly, how to compromise.
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RE: What if you don't like your spouse anymore? - 2/8/2010 10:44:02 PM
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Ruth181
Posts: 54
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I have talked to him, we have gone to Family Life Marriage conferences, Family Life Parenting conferences. I have bought books on relationships and read them - he refuses to read them. He just doesn't care about anything. I am convinced that he does not expect to have a happy life and does not care either.
I used to talk to him all the time. Tell him things, ask him things, now I don't. He never asks what's wrong, so I guess he doesn't miss talking with me.
Frankly, I am tired. Tired of trying to figure him out and tired of trying in our relationship. I know if we went to counseling, he would complain about it. He would complain about how much it cost, how much time it takes, etc.
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RE: What if you don't like your spouse anymore? - 2/8/2010 11:29:42 PM
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Just_Passin_Through
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I'm sorry that your husband has not tried to meet your needs. I know I did that to my exwife. It's been several years and I am just now getting over her.
Wait upon the Lord and try not to get ahead of Him.
I hope you have not allowed a seed to take root in your heart for someone else.Your thoughts are not original. Please be careful.
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RE: What if you don't like your spouse anymore? - 2/9/2010 1:25:41 AM
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deermousie
Posts: 2736
Joined: 9/26/2007
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Ruth, if you'll allow me to be frank...
... it sounds like he wants to do what he wants to do and in his
selfishness he is irritating himself, and you want a certain response and
petting and he's not giving it so you're irritated. And things have bogged
down.
I strongly recommend you guys (or you, if he refuses to go) get some good
Christian counseling. Start with your pastor or elders because it's their
job (and it's free). They can get you both back on track, turning your eyes
to Jesus and regaining a servant mentality.
If there are no good counselors in your church (and if you aren't in a
church, find one that teaches the Bible and start going) then go find a
Christian counseling service somewhere and get started.
We all can get bogged down when we're looking at ourselves. Our sin nature
would like to put blinders on all of us so all we'd see would be our own
interests. That world is too small, and God calls us to be givers like He
is. Please start reading your Bible every day - it's full of goodness and
how to live information.
Better times can start soon, dear Sister. Be encouraged, and take the first
step. God bless you and your family.
_____________________________
People died to give you the Bible in your language.
Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it.
Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
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RE: What if you don't like your spouse anymore? - 2/9/2010 4:32:02 PM
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maydayzee
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Hi Ruth,
I am sorry your husband has disappointed you in so many ways. I think that you are going to have to look to yourself and God to make a happier way to live. Your husband has chosen to live a rather sad and negative existence, but you do not have to be limited by his choice. I think at this point you should continue to pray for him, and also to ask God to help you love him once again. While doing so, I think you should make every effort to make your own life more joyful.
You didn't mention if you belonged to a church. If not, I hope you will find a church that you can be a part of. Getting into a ladies' Bible study with other women might be very fulfilling and supportive for you. Find things you like to do and enjoy them by yourself or with your children. Read the Bible to get strength for yourself and to reinforce a more positive outlook.
I think my few words are so inadequate for your problem, but I just wanted to let you know that I care.
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RE: What if you don't like your spouse anymore? - 2/9/2010 9:22:40 PM
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bolt.
Posts: 2317
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
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quote:
he does not care about me. ... Here is the most recent example. ... why can't he understand that I need to be there?
A man doesn't understand how women feel about their mothers, and you conclude that he just doesn't care. That sounds a bit like you are both having some negative thoughts and responses.
quote:
they start at 6 am! I was looking for sympathy or something from him, instead he says "guess you'll just have to get your butt out of bed and go to work"... I don't care what he has to say anymore.
You are tearing your 'house' down with your own hands, and I really hope you don't continue. Fishing for pity is completely unbecoming. It's usually called whining, and almost every body responds to whining with a 'kick in the butt'.
You are in a hard phase of life, and your husband isn't exactly the 'sensitive type'. That does not give you the right to blame him for the way conversations don't go according to your tastes.
quote:
He took off from work and went with us, and then complained that it was the worse fair around. I told him he shouldn't have come then.
He was disappointed in his mini-vacation, and he was sharing that with you. Where was your sympathy for his disappointment?
quote:
If it wasn't for me - we would never do anything but work and sleep - just exist.
Why do you have such contempt for his idea of a good life?
quote:
Everything that is in any way fun, has been my idea my orchestration. I have to come up with the idea, the babysitter, the dog sitter, the house sitter. I have to arrange all the schedules. And he usually complains about all of it and it's like a cloud over us.
The reason you do all the work for what you consider 'fun' is because you are the one that considers it fun, and you are the one that wants to do it. He comes along as a favour to you, because he cares about your marital satisfaction (or maybe because he feels like he has to, or that it's not worth fighting over)... but you want him not only to come along on things that he considers no-fun, but that he should pretend to enjoy it too? That's a high level of control you want to have, if it's going to take either silence or dishonesty to please you.
quote:
He is not good with the kids. Never has been ... I am convinced that he does not expect to have a happy life
Hmm... this is beginning to make a lot of sense. He's not good at parenting, he doesn't enjoy it, yet he has 5 kids and a wife that thinks he sucks at everything. I wonder why he's not more positive and pleasant to be around? I think he gave up on the possibility of a happy home years ago, and has been hurting deeply ever since.
quote:
Any time we start to talk about anything of significance he is negative and I lose interest in continuing the conversation. I don't want to argue with him about his opinions because it does absolutely no good.
Here's an idea that might be new to you. Just because an opinion is negative is no reason not to listen to it, welcome it, validate it, and keep talking. If you want to have more conversations, you will have to make it OK for your husband to have an opinion that you don't particularly care for. It's his opinion, not yours. Why on earth would you want to argue with someone about their own opinion?
quote:
What should we do?
You should try being exactly as pleasant and kind-hearted to him as you would be to a grouchy elderly woman who you were trying to befriend and uplift. Try that for a month, and see how it goes.
If he does or says something you wish he wouldn't, it would be wise to express yourself calmly and briefly, such as, "I wish you wouldn't speak so abruptly to me, it puts me on edge." And then change the subject or begin to do something.
A lot of your issues seem to be about listening to him complain. You could respond with, "I hear that you are disappointed, but I wish you had chosen a more tactful way of putting it." Then, if he continues, say, "It must be frustrating for you, but I don't want to listen to you vent any more. It's upsetting me." And then find something to do in another room.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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RE: What if you don't like your spouse anymore? - 2/9/2010 11:04:52 PM
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Ruth181
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Joined: 2/1/2007
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Bolt -
While I appreciate your thoughtful response to my query, you do not know my husband nor myself and yet you seem to be coming to his defense and make me out to be a whiny girl who only wants her own way.
If you spent the day with him, and everything you said to him or asked him came with a negative reply, eventually you would get tired of it too.
I have tried being nice to him,and I mean overly nice. Doing things that I know he likes, feeding him food I know he likes, trying to agree with him even when I didn't.
As far as the kids go, I have held my tongue so many times it should be as long as an anteaters. I have tried giving him parenting advice over the years (not in front of the kids) but he just does not try or he is not capable, not sure which. I suppose there are some people who cannot parent well.
He wanted children. When we were dating, he said he wanted six kids. Well, we had five and aren't having any more. I have tried going over finances with him so we can get out debt paid down, but he won't talk about it with me. I try to come up with ideas for saving money, like the book by Ramsey, but that's as far as it went - reading it. We never started the plan to pay off anything.
I guess I continue to plan things to do in the summer because, hey it's my life too. I'm not going to just sit around and exist until I die some day. I want to live this life. They are not expensive things that we do - a day at the local park, a trip to a county fair, not a week in Hawaii or something. I want to build memories for our children too. Fun memories, not memories of him yelling at them and nitpicking at them constantly. I do what I can to ward off his criticisms. I tell the kids to pick up a mess if they leave it. Put their laundry away, things like that. But I am pleasant about it. He just does not try.
After all this time, I would think if he wanted to change he would work on it a bit more. I'm not asking him to kiss and hug each kid goodnight, just treat them as well as he treats people he works with, people he talks to in public, etc. Wish I could post a voice recording of him and you'd see exactly what I mean.
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RE: What if you don't like your spouse anymore? - 2/10/2010 10:55:03 AM
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truthrevealed
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Ruth, have you taken some time to meditate upon when things began to change in your marriage? It sounds like you enjoyed each others company and spent time together before...........what happened?! Search your heart(and your memory) after you've asked God for wisdom. Be mindful of any life events, meditating on negative things in your own mind(over the years), the addition of children, conversations, disagreements/arguments(that may not have been resolved for either of you though you think they have) anything that marks the turning point in your relationship.
_____________________________
What a mighty God we serve!
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RE: What if you don't like your spouse anymore? - 2/10/2010 1:24:16 PM
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stamper_ben
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I'm in no way suggesting you do anything, but the answer to the question may speak volumes. How would he feel if you and the kids weren't in his life anymore? have you ever point blank asked him that?
SoundS like he might have become comfortable and complacent in the marriage. I was there once. It took a huge shake-up to make me realize what I had and what I wanted to continue with.
_____________________________
In 20 years from now, you’ll be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Explore. Dream. Discover
Mark Twain
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RE: What if you don't like your spouse anymore? - 2/10/2010 4:05:32 PM
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bolt.
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I hear that you have tried to do things that are nice for him, and I also hear that life with a grump is difficult.
It's important that you try courtesy rather than contempt, not just on the outside, but on the inside. That means never choosing a dishonouring response to him, and talking yourself out of even thoughts that dishonour him. The way I am 'rushing to his defense' should be a part of yourself, and you should choose to believe the part of yourself that defends him. Once that's working both outside and inside, It will take a month for it to begin to change the 'climate' of your relationship.
You also need to try calm, brief, non-confrontational statements of your own wishes (or difficulties) in the relationship. This does not involve trying to teach him something, getting him to do something, getting him to read something, getting him to talk about something -- or anything. It does not involve his response at all. It is a simple and genuine way of providing him information about how his choices effect you. It is an act of honesty, not a choice with an agenda.
Say these things politely, with a smile (or a sad smile). They should be no longer than two sentences, and you should expect no response whatsoever. To make it clear that you expect no response, you should have something to do after you finish speaking. If he does respond, thank him for listening and tell him that you appreciate that he is interested in what you said.
So, you might simply say, "Our level of personal debt makes me uncomfotable. I wish we were doing something about it." And then go clear the table. Or, "I feel that was unnessisarily harsh with <the kid>."
I totally agree that you should keep planning things to please yourself and the kids. Just don't get feeling unappreciated, or like you deserve some team-work. You are not doing it for him, you are doing it for yourself (and for your parenting reasons).
My third piece of advice is that you work towards your own goals in your own way, without waiting for your husband's buy-in. If you want to save money, do it. Assume that his personal spending is not going to change, but other than that consider any other finacial decisions to be yours to make, and just let him know what you are doing and why. There is no reason why you shouldn't be doing what is wise regarding money in you home. <<If he suggests you-two overspend on something, simply say, "I don't want to." (he asks why) "It doesn't fit my financial plan." (he thinks you are trying to control him) "Just becasue I don't agree doesn't mean you can't do whatever you want. I just thought you wanted my input.">>
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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RE: What if you don't like your spouse anymore? - 2/10/2010 8:26:53 PM
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Liveloved
Posts: 2099
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Ruth181,
I've read your posts and I am in agreement with bolt. It sounds like both of you are dissatisfied with life. Some of us have a 'negative' bent. I am one of those. I know that makes me a challenge to live with. But it also makes 'me' a challenge for myself! Depression plays a part in some negativity as well.
I watched a girlfriend destroy a marriage with her husband because of his negativity. I know he loved her. But she was intolerant of his ways.
I would pray, Ruth181, and ask the Lord to change YOUR heart. I know your life has not been easy. But I don't think you've really understood your husband as he needs to be understood and loved.
Be his encourager. Love his as Christ loves him. Be willing to lay down your life, your desires for him and choose love.
If you will accept him as he is, not defend yourself but listen and try to please him, he will change. If one person changes, the other HAS to change in response.
I'm praying for you. You cannot change him. You can pray for him and you can ask the Lord to change your heart. Blessings, LL
_____________________________
Liveloved
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13
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RE: What if you don't like your spouse anymore? - 2/10/2010 9:10:44 PM
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sharonjef2007
Posts: 3349
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You know, the one thing that stuck out to me was when you said Ruth that you don't laugh anymore. Laughing and having a sense of humor is soooooooooooo important.
What are some things you used to do together that caused you to laugh together? What are some things that you did to have fun together? Perhaps start there. If you have a good day or so together, they may make for good moments to tell him how you feel and for him to hear you. But, be aware that if you get to tell him how you feel, he has the right to reciprocate.
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RE: What if you don't like your spouse anymore? - 2/11/2010 5:12:53 PM
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SecretGarden
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Ruth,
First of all, I'm so very sorry that you're feeling this way. Second, I'm married to a man who is extremely negative ALL the time, too. I understand how wearing it can be.
I understand how discouraging it is, how angry it makes you to work so hard to make him happy and not even get a smile for your efforts. I understand how badly it can sap the energy right out of you to make a cheerful comment only to have it shot down.
The saddest part is that I'm sure you really do want a happy, relaxed homelife and everything you have posted indicates you've been very proactive in trying to make it that way.
I'll tell you how I cope (I don't know if this will work for you, but what can it hurt to try?).... I completely ignore his moods.
For example: I come in from work all chirpy and suggest Chinese take-out for dinner. He grumbles he doesn't want that. I say, "Ok, sweetie... (smile) what would you like?" He grumbles that he doesn't know. I kiss him on the forehead, smile and say," You think about it I'll be glad to get it for you when I go pick up my shrimp fried rice, k?" If he hasn't made a decision by the time I go, I kiss him on the cheek and tell him I can't wait for him any longer, but there's xyz in the fridge....
Or to reference the state fair thing.... "honey, we're going to the fair, you wanna come?" If he does, fine. If he doesn't, that's fine too. If he comes and grumps around anyway, I focus on laughing and cutting up with the kids. I don't exclude him, I just ignore his mood.
I do everything I can to make my environment as pleasant as possible. I turn on my music when I clean and sing at the top of my lungs. I have a wildflower garden in the yard (it's so easy to take care of!) and pick flowers for the house whenever they're in bloom. I take bubble baths instead of showers and make sure to use the stuff that smells really good.
I pray alot. I pray for him because he's miserable and I wish he knew how to be happy. I pray for me - for patience, mostly and the ability to hold my tongue (that's hard).
Hang in there, sister.... (((hugs)))
_____________________________
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark.... professionals built the Titanic.
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RE: What if you don't like your spouse anymore? - 2/12/2010 10:42:01 PM
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gatolover
Posts: 786
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Hi Ruth181 and Chessiebird,
Girlfriends, I hear you, but fortunately, I'm over it by God's will. He is Good and Awesome and He still looks after the "widows and orphans" made that way by selfish, egotistical men.
Ruth181, your stories sound like mine, but I could tell you stories of disrespect that you wouldn't believe, sister.
When I first tried [again] to suggest counseling, specifically Retrouvaille, he threw the pamphlet on the floor and told me I needed to get *(#% $ counselling.  We eventually went, found hope, and as soon as we got back home....he took the mask off and became his old, removed self again. Just a game. The people who don't live with the man think he's great...best friend you could ever find. Unfortunately, the same man mistreated his wife and kids for 17 1/2 years.
I had been praying for this man for YEARS while I also tried to assure our two children that their father did NOT hate them; he was just angry and didn't know how to deal with it. I spent way too many nights tucking my children in while they wept and assuring them they didn't really "hate" their dad, they were just angry and had every right to be so.
Anyway, it's been a long journey, but I can honestly say that the day I found my divorce papers in the mailbox was the happiest and saddest day of my life. I was happy I was not the one to break the marriage vow, but rathered saddened by the cheers from my children.
You can't fix anyone, Ruth...including your husband...even for the childrens' sake.
Now, my son just graduated from college and my daughter's a freshman. It's very expensive, but worth getting that man out of the house.
Hang in there, sister.
Much love and prayers in Christ,
gatolover
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RE: What if you don't like your spouse anymore? - 2/12/2010 10:48:13 PM
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gatolover
Posts: 786
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BTW Ruth181,
If you'd like to talk off-thread, you are welcome to PM me.
I could tell you stories that might make your skin crawl.
Not that it's funny or anything....but it kind of is now! God and time heal all wounds, sister.
God bless, and good night.
gatolover
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RE: What if you don't like your spouse anymore? - 2/12/2010 11:08:27 PM
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gatolover
Posts: 786
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bolt.,
You wrote:
quote:
A man doesn't understand how women feel about their mothers, and you conclude that he just doesn't care. That sounds a bit like you are both having some negative thoughts and responses.
You make a sweeping generalization and assert that "a man doesn't understand how women feel about their mothers." Are you saying sons should not feel as strongly about their mothers as daughters? What is your point? This discussion is about a husband and wife and their relationship because this is the "Marriage" thread. BTW, it sounds to me like you are giving the husband the benefit of the doubt and presuming he doescare.
Maybe his wife knows him a little better than you do? Ya think? 
Peace
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RE: What if you don't like your spouse anymore? - 2/13/2010 9:42:20 AM
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bolt.
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From: Canada
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No, I simply meant that it's perfectly reasonable to see that some men do not grasp the intensity of that female-female mothering relationship that some grown women have with their mothers.
I'm quite sure that the female-male mothering relationship is also a deep one, and that in some cases it might or might not be similar to (or as intense -- but in a different way) to the female-female one.
I had no intent to make a generalization, I was assessing what was expressed about this husband... and his wife has told us that she believes that he does not understand the intensity of her relationship with her mother... I think that's reasonably common (which I guess it kind of a generalization) and should not be mis-interpreted to mean that he does not care.
I give all people the benefit of the doubt, and many parts of the OP's narrative show that her husband does care at some level. My "point" is that situations like this are worth working with and having grace. Whether a wife believes that her husband no longer cares for her, why she believes that, and whether it is a well-founded belief (or if it might be an mis-interpretation) is highly relevant to the situation, and to the healing of the situation.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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RE: What if you don't like your spouse anymore? - 2/14/2010 2:33:35 AM
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dboe
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Your husband sounds deppresing to live with and you have a right to vent about it. Men tend to not be the most sympathetic creatures around. COuld you get in on a (non-alcoholic or with alchohol) Margarita Monday type thing with the girls? I knew a teacher who did this and it really made her alot happier. It was a time for women to gather and vent about kids, husbands, etc. I dont see harm in it as long as you dont dwell on it. I have come to learn that men just are not very sympathetic or positive at times. But, since he seems so down and so do you, maybe counseling would also be a good idea for you both. Unfortunately I have also learned that venting to men about things in general is a bad idea. They don't get it, they try to fix it and if its about them well forget it. It doesnt go anywhere. I hope some of that helps...
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RE: What if you don't like your spouse anymore? - 2/17/2010 8:48:58 AM
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angergetting2me
Posts: 23
Joined: 11/3/2009
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Dear Ruth181, I came here to read because I feel the same exact way (I don't like my spouse anymore) My circumstances are different since we do not have children. We have been married for 10 years and rocky from the beginning. the last 5 years my husband has not been able to hold down a job for more than 6 months except for one job he was laid off from for 10 months. His unemployment ran out 3 months ago. He also has a felony on his background from 3 years ago (agg.assault, terroristic threats, etc. This keeps employers from hiring him. He was also fired from three jobs because they said he falsified his time card and on one occasion he was sent to a job and he decided to go across town and have lunch with some co-workers instead of going to the job. We both pay 1/2 of our bills and he said last night he is going to cancel our medical insurance which I think is a mistake because it is 260.00 for both of us. I paid out 2,000.00 last year to have a skin cancer removed because he was fired two days before I had the precedure done. He has enough money in HIS savings to make 10 more house payments. My boss told me Friday that my job will end next months due to low sales. I don't even want to be around him. I am angry because he got arrested three years ago because of his temper. I have never told him I am angry but I am sure it comes out. I am not even sure if I am in touch with what is real anymore so many things have happened. We attended church for 5 years and suddenly my husband turned on church. So I attend another church but have missed the last three Sundays. He has started drinking but doesn't go to night clubs except the last time he worked out of town he said he was going to a topless bar to play pool. (which I was very unhappy about) I am in my early 50's and he is in his mid 40's. If I can't get some sort of perspective on our situation soon our marrage is not going to last much longer. I don't have money for counseling and I know my husband would not talk to anyone about our problems.
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RE: What if you don't like your spouse anymore? - 2/17/2010 12:29:25 PM
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bolt.
Posts: 2317
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
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angergetting2me, I hear that you are getting all wrapped up and disoriented by these things. You said "I am not even sure if I am in touch with what is real anymore so many things have happened."
So I'll try to help you sort some things out.
First and foremost, the most "real" thing in the world is that you are a Christian. You are loved by God and drawn into relationship with Him, a holy relationship on the foundation of Jesus' death and Resurrection.
The effects of that reality are that you are a person who prays, worships, loves others, and lives by the Bible. There is nothing more important than those things in your life. If you haven't done them yet today, put some thought into fitting these most important things into your life in a really strong way.
The second thing in your life that is "real" is that you are an ordinary human being with ordinary human needs. You need a safe warm place to sleep, you need to eat enough for sustiance and water to drink, you need access to medical care, and you need a sense of personal and emotional stability.
In your situation, your the tension in your marriage is making a mess out of a few of those things. The good news is that you should be able to take care of yourself and be yourself, even in this mess.
My first piece of advice is to really plug into Church life. Church life supports the 'you are a Christian' side of yourself like nothing else can. It is a community that proclaims the truth of who Christ is, and who you are in Him. it is a space for worship and prayer, it is a place to be taught from the Bible, and it is a place full of 'others' to love, and who are also called to be loving 'others' such as you. These things should be a part of your daily life, but Church life on a weekly basis will strengthen you. If you can join a group or Bible study that will help a lot too. (I know that this does not have a lot to do with you husband, but it does have to do with you having a stable life grounded in reality.)
My second piece of advice is to stop depending on the arrangement of 'splitting the bills' with your husband. Instead, choose to live a lifestyle that you (and only you) could financially sustain, even if he stopped all of his contributions. I'm not saying that he should stop, or that you should let him. He should have no idea that you could support all the bills if you had to. When he pays half of a bill, you take that amount that you would have used, and put it in a savings account.
(Another option would be to say, 'If I had to, I would just cancel that -- but since he's paying I don't have to.' That's fine too, as long as you know that there is a lifestyle that you could 'drop down to' and be self-sustaining.)
This will take a lot of discipline, but a lot of your insecurity seems to come from a perception that you couldn't live -- physically live, meeting your human needs -- without his financial contribution. So choose your lifestyle based on your income, not based on a combination (this might mean living somewhere cheaper).
Example: If he wants to live without medical insurance, he is free to. If you decide that you can afford insurace and that you want it... you do what seems best to you about getting individual coverage. Pehaps your insurancve provider will give you a quote on downgrading from two people to one.
Of course, that means you will have to get another job, or (if that is impossible) secure income some other way (such as gov't benefits). Look now. Look hard. Don't just let things happen to you, work your tail off to make things happen.
Once you have this kind of physical security: as a Christian, and as a person with human needs. Then you will have the foundation you need to begin to sort out relational issues. Then you will be able to ask yourself questions like:
"How does his non-work effect me emotionally and relationally? Will I tollerate it? How will I respond to his choices in this area?""
-and-
"How does his drinking effect me emotionally and relationally? Will I tollerate it? How will I respond to his choices in this area?"
-and-
"How do his relationship and faithfulness choices effect me emotionally and relationally? What will I or won't I tollerate? How will I respond to his choices in this area?"
-and-
"How does his non-faith (or faith-in-rebellion) effect me emotionally and relationally? How will I respond to his choices in this area?"
Of course all your practice in loving others and learning to living by the Bible will be strong factors in how you answer those issues... but you have to get rolling first... so I'm stopping my advice here, for now.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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RE: What if you don't like your spouse anymore? - 2/17/2010 2:40:46 PM
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angergetting2me
Posts: 23
Joined: 11/3/2009
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Bolt, I can't thank you enough for helping me sort thru all of this. It is something I will definately do. thank you again..
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