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RE: why ask why - 12/1/2008 3:17:34 PM
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joy2give2u
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quote:
That is a valid mission. But it has nothing to do with communication. See I think it does.......because I think ever question we ask finds it roots in these basic questions........everything about me, everything I ask of myself, is to answer these questions...........our who purpose as Christians is to answer the why questions of God.........why did God send his son........we are the answers............why is forgiveness for sin important..........our lives speak why............
Each of our mission in life is to answer the why questions of life..........and the answer is leads to Christ.
_____________________________
Transformation happens NOT when we get through scripture BUT when scripture gets through Us
Lake Michigan
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RE: why ask why - 12/1/2008 3:40:30 PM
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joy2give2u
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quote:
Curiosity can be a good thing, but remember the old saying about cats! What is the saying about cats?
quote:
Why questions, when asked by a person who doesn't need to know, has no business knowing, and is just asking for the sake of asking, can easily leave a person feeling defensive. Example: "Why did you do that? Why didn't you do it this way?" After hearing that (or similar comments) enough times, a person can easily feel defensive whenever they hear the question "Why ... ?" I understand what you are saying here Sam..........but I have to admit.....my thought is to pray sooner or later this person ask themselves why does why questions make them defensive because I believe until they find out the why those questions will always how power over their emotions.......and that is never healthy.
I don't ask someone why because I am curious.........I ask them because the why reveals more of the person and I want to know more about them........
quote:
It's something He wants us to think about ... which is very different from communicating. Isn't communicating more about growing in knowledge then passing on pieces of information? Which would lead to deeper communication.........
Passing information
Tom: I wore a red shirt to work..........
Sue: That is nice Tom.......................
Growing in knowledge of the person
Tom: I wore a red shirt to work today.
Sue: Why Tom?
Tom: Because I wanted to support my favorite sporting team and their colors are red.
Now Sue could ask How come you wore a red shirt Tom instead of asking why but it is still a why answer she is seeking.
quote:
A number of people have expressed why this is true on this very thread. It causes a defensive reaction in most individuals.
A few people have expressed why on this thread........and a view have expressed why the questions do not bother them..........
It only causes a defensive reaction in individuals who see why questions negatively based on past experiences.........or at least that is reason given by Dr. Carey and a few others I have read.........
Those who see why questions as a way of growing in knowledge of another and tend to ask why questions of themselves and others don't seem to get defensive.
_____________________________
Transformation happens NOT when we get through scripture BUT when scripture gets through Us
Lake Michigan
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RE: why ask why - 12/1/2008 3:54:15 PM
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joy2give2u
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quote:
I'm glad you are learning something ... now get back to work! But this is so much more fun...........beside my work doesn't challenge me to ask why so I don't grow or learn and I get so very bored LOL
I love learning and asking myself hmmmmm why is that? LOL
Though I think this may be obvious by now..........
I have another question, you may be best to answer Karen...........
Wouldn't it make more sense on a christian site to read why questions on the assumption the person asking really does want to know what the person thinks or feels instead of assuming they are doing so in a manor which would lead to defensiveness?
I know I tend to see the world differently then some but I really don't understand why a few people tend to chose to take offense instead of asking for clarification first...........
I am guessing you will say it is due to on line communication and it being based on written words without non verbal communication...........but to be honest the only place I have encountered a problem with asking why, and trust me I do it everywhere, is on a Christian site...........makes me wonder why......LOL
My thoughts.......and please correct me if you think I am wrong........but I wonder if it might be because of two reasons.....
1. Christians can bethe most judgmental and so many Christians have been hurt by religious judgmental attitudes
2. Christians are too hold each other accountable in love and some would rather not be held accountable.
I wonder if we will ever get to the point, we as christians, are healthy enough we no longer feel judged by others and welcome accountability.
_____________________________
Transformation happens NOT when we get through scripture BUT when scripture gets through Us
Lake Michigan
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RE: why ask why - 12/1/2008 4:11:46 PM
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Psalms274
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quote:
Wouldn't it make more sense on a christian site to read why questions on the assumption the person asking really does want to know what the person thinks or feels instead of assuming they are doing so in a manor which would lead to defensiveness?
But Christians are also people ... and we have no idea where someone is in there walk with Christ. He teaches us different things in different ways ... and most are at a different stage from the next.
2 Corinthians 8 is a good reminder of this concept. We are not all in the same place, and it is wise to be mindful of the fact that something we might say or do could be construed as offensive to another.
quote:
I wonder if we will ever get to the point, we as Christians, are healthy enough we no longer feel judged by others and welcome accountability.
Accountability is always good ... but it is best to get that accountability in real life situations rather than off the internet.
_____________________________
I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ.
Linus, my dog, little Kaleigh and Sally!
http://piswa.blogspot.com/
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RE: why ask why - 12/1/2008 4:17:52 PM
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joy2give2u
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quote:
Accountability is always good ... but it is best to get that accountability in real life situations rather than off the internet. I would agree LOL............now don't go having a fainting spill cause I didn't ask you why.......AND agreed with you LOL
I enjoy having discussions with you Karen.......your post usually make me think and ask why LOL
Have a great night and thank you for the enjoyable day.
_____________________________
Transformation happens NOT when we get through scripture BUT when scripture gets through Us
Lake Michigan
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RE: why ask why - 12/1/2008 4:54:13 PM
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Focusing
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quote:
ask themselves why does why questions make them defensive because I believe until they find out the why those questions will always how power over their emotions
I would disagree with this.
Sometimes we don't need to know why ... only that we are being led in a certain direction. It's called faith. It isn't always healthy to dig into the past and determine all the why's and how's and who's and where's and when's and what's ... dragging up old stuff or reasons to determine why we think or feel or act or react a certain way ... because it's not relevant or important in every situation. And it doesn't mean it holds any power over them. In fact, I know people (myself one) that when they go back to a certain time and place of their lives that was very bad, very negative, very difficult ... it brings up old memories. And those old memories begin to take over and begin to have a very detrimental hold on them. While our intentions might be of the utmost sincerity when we start asking questions "Why ... ?" "When was the first time ... ?" we must be careful about playing pseudo psychologists. It can be an easy trap to fall into, and I've seen lots of people do it.
So, because someone chooses not to put themselves back into those shoes does not mean anything is holding power over them. It can mean that they are clinging to the Lord for dear life ... emotional stability in some cases, spiritual strength in other cases ... or they are so determined to live their lives for the Lord, it simply doesn't matter. Our sins have been forgiven ... we are new creations.
It doesn't mean people are defensive. The fact that some people don't like to be asked "Why ... ?" "Why ... ?" "Why ... ?" over and over again can mean nothing more than if they allow their minds to go "there" it can cause them to spiral back into a depressive state. And while curiosity can be a good thing, like I've said, the asker needs to have a sense of discernment, wisdom, and understanding boundaries. I realize not everyone is sensitive in this way, but it's important to realize that certain discussions may be avoided because it brings up some issues another is dealing with that might best be handled by a professional. Pushing someone with constant questions can not only be annoying, it can cause damage to someone who is having difficulty in a particular area. To continue pushing someone with questions would be insensitive at the very least.
In your example:
Tom: I wore a red shirt to work..........
Perhaps Tom wore a red shirt because it was the first hanger his fingers touched when he reached in the closet. So if he answered the question "Why did you wear a red shirt today?" with "What difference does it make?" doesn't mean he's being defensive, it could mean simply that he's indifferent to the fact that he's wearing a red shirt.
I have another example:
Tom: No thank you, I don't care for any wine.
Sue: Why?
Perhaps Tom is a recovering alcoholic. Is Sue going to feel that Tom is defensive if he answers that he just doesn't drink? Is she going to think he's withholding information because there just has to be more to it than that? Does Sue feel that Tom owes her any further explanation? Is she going to feel offended if six months into the dating relationship Tom finally reveals his secret struggles with alcohol? Is Sue going to think or feel any differently about Tom because he withheld this private, and in his opinion, embarrassing, information from her for the past six months? Or would she feel that they have grown close enough in their relationship that he can confide in her now?
It's all in our own perception whether we think someone is being defensive. Perhaps we are looking for a certain kind of answer, whereas the other person doesn't really care to engage in a conversation or divulge certain information.
So, asking questions pertaining to our relationship with the Lord and understanding why we believe what we believe, is a very good and positive thing. It helps us to have a more solid relationship with Him, imo.
Asking silly questions as to why so-and-so wore this or said this or had a certain expression on their face ... not so important.
Some may feel that asking "Why ... ?" questions of anyone about anything is always a good thing. I, on the other hand, am the type of person who can get tired of them. I find them to sometimes be invasive, particularly when they are nosey questions or asked by someone who barely knows me, and sometimes it's just annoying. I'm sure some will find my next statement offensive ... but ... I really don't care to get to know everyone intimately. In fact, there are people who I really don't want to get to know at all. It doesn't really matter "why".
So, it's really not a matter of feeling defensive, it becomes a matter of weariness and "Why do you even want to know?" "What could it possibly mean to you?" and/or "It's really none of your business." I have any number of things going on in my life at any given moment, and there are times when my mind is preoccupied and I just don't want to be bothered by someone asking "Why ... ?" all the time.
Now, if we are talking a boyfriend/girlfriend situation and we are spending lots of time getting to know each other in a deeper way emotionally and spiritually, and we have time to sit down without interruptions, and we have found each other to be a safe person to one another ... well then, ask away. 
_____________________________
Instead of a gem, or even a flower, we should cast the gift of a loving thought into the heart of a friend. That would be giving as the angels give.
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RE: why ask why - 12/1/2008 5:10:03 PM
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John_O
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quote:
ORIGINAL: joy2give2u
quote:
Why questions, when asked by a person who doesn't need to know, has no business knowing, and is just asking for the sake of asking, can easily leave a person feeling defensive. Example: "Why did you do that? Why didn't you do it this way?" After hearing that (or similar comments) enough times, a person can easily feel defensive whenever they hear the question "Why ... ?" I understand what you are saying here Sam..........but I have to admit.....my thought is to pray sooner or later this person ask themselves why does why questions make them defensive
Because most peopel are inherently untrustworthy. Only when someone has proven themselves to be trustworthy do they earn the priviledge of having questions about my inner motives answered.
quote:
because I believe until they find out the why those questions will always how power over their emotions.......and that is never healthy.
These questions have no power over my emotions. I just choose to not answer them as the answers are not anyone's business excpet for those whom I wish to share them with.
quote:
Passing information
Tom: I wore a red shirt to work..........
Sue: That is nice Tom.......................
Growing in knowledge of the person
Tom: I wore a red shirt to work today.
Sue: Why Tom?
Tom: Because I wanted to support my favorite sporting team and their colors are red.
Why would Sue be asking about Tom's shirt? Is she a closet hater of his team? Looking for some small piece of info she can use to blackmail him? Maybe she's a stalker and wants to find some way to ingratiate herself to him? Or maybe she's just a busybody? Hmmmmmm 
quote:
It only causes a defensive reaction in individuals who see why questions negatively based on past experiences.........or at least that is reason given by Dr. Carey and a few others I have read.........
Those who see why questions as a way of growing in knowledge of another and tend to ask why questions of themselves and others don't seem to get defensive.
I ask lots of questions of myself. I have the right. Asking why questions of others is normally questioning their motives. Kind of judgemental also (and while I don't mind judging others (according to biblical principles) doing it to their face is somewhat rude).
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: why ask why - 12/1/2008 5:29:27 PM
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Prairiehiker
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Fists scenario: This is a positive scenario in which one person is acknowledging the other.
Tom: I wore a red shirt to work..........
Sue: That is nice Tom.......................
2nd Scenario: Most often, the scenario involves two people who has knowledge of each other and knows how the other would respond based on previous dealings with the questioner.
Tom: I wore a red shirt to work today.
Sue: Why, Tom, why? I don’t know why anyone would wear red. I can never see myself wear red. I might look at it, but to wear one, never.
Tom: Shakes head and walks away vowed never to talk to this person about why he wears what he wears.
Implication: Tom, you have such bad taste in clothing I think red is a hideous color.
_____________________________
Wishing for a Steelers/Eagles superbowl.
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RE: why ask why - 12/1/2008 6:54:02 PM
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shemaromans
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quote:
ORIGINAL: joy2give2u
quote:
When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent. Interesting thoughts Shemaroman........I would see things opposite then you in that to me Why is not many words......it is one word actually............
Do you always ask your questions with "why" only?
Actually, I was focusing more on the latter half of the proverb: controlling our tongues. This goes along with some of the examples I shared. Our curiosity, however well intended, can have negative effects.
quote:
It isn't enough just to contemplate why someone might be uncomfortable or defensive being asked Why Questions. It's also worthwhile to consider our motives for asking why.quote:
Motive would depend on how the person asking views why questions.........as some have stated, myself included, being asked why is always a positive thing since it always lead to a deeper understanding and it shows a person cares enough to want to know you better.
What if you ask someone why they're so skinny, pale, and sickly looking with sores on their body? What if this person that you asked the Why Question doesn't want everyone to know that they have AIDS? Do you really think that the question will bring a positive result? Sure, you'd know more about the person and would show that you care (if they answered)--a positive for you--but you'd also run the risk of putting the person in a position to disclose information that they'd rather not divulge to someone they don't know well and with whom they don't have a trusting relationship. They might also view you as nosy instead of caring. Someone who knows you well would know the difference, but someone you don't know well wouldn't.
quote:
If we ask why just so we can learn something, we might hurt someone feelings.quote:
As would making an assumption based on our own thoughts.
Good point, Joy, but nothing says that we have to make assumptions. :)
My point in all of this is that we should discerning about when we ask why. Always asking why of other people is not always the best course of action.
Always asking why of ourselves and things we're learning about? Sure!
Always asking why of others? No, not always.
_____________________________
"But as for me, it is good to be near God." Psalm 73:28
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RE: why ask why - 12/2/2008 9:32:14 AM
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iwillfearnoevil
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
2nd Scenario: Most often, the scenario involves two people who has knowledge of each other and knows how the other would respond based on previous dealings with the questioner.
Tom: I wore a red shirt to work today.
Sue: Why, Tom, why? I don’t know why anyone would wear red. I can never see myself wear red. I might look at it, but to wear one, never.
Tom: Shakes head and walks away vowed never to talk to this person about why he wears what he wears.
Implication: Tom, you have such bad taste in clothing I think red is a hideous color.
this scenario happens most often to you? not a simple 'why red today'? i hope those are coworkers you can't really do much about (except stop talking so much to them) and not your friends or family. maybe tom should stop talking to sue about everything, not just color of clothes lol.
what's with all these hypothetical questions, seems it's a totally different situation than the cause of this dispute from the feel thread in the first place - asking a followup question on a discussion board.
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RE: why ask why - 12/2/2008 10:21:14 AM
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WaitingforBoaz
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quote:
ORIGINAL: iwillfearnoevil
quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
2nd Scenario: Most often, the scenario involves two people who has knowledge of each other and knows how the other would respond based on previous dealings with the questioner.
Tom: I wore a red shirt to work today.
Sue: Why, Tom, why? I don’t know why anyone would wear red. I can never see myself wear red. I might look at it, but to wear one, never.
Tom: Shakes head and walks away vowed never to talk to this person about why he wears what he wears.
Implication: Tom, you have such bad taste in clothing I think red is a hideous color.
this scenario happens most often to you? not a simple 'why red today'? i hope those are coworkers you can't really do much about (except stop talking so much to them) and not your friends or family. maybe tom should stop talking to sue about everything, not just color of clothes lol.
what's with all these hypothetical questions, seems it's a totally different situation than the cause of this dispute from the feel thread in the first place - asking a followup question on a discussion board.
I agree. This thread took an interesting turn from when I posted.
It does not really fit the present topic.
I am as curious as the next person, and I sure want to know someone I am interested in better, but there are ways of discovering a person without coming right out and asking, Why? why? why?  LOL.
We can be tactful, and inquisitive. IMHO
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RE: why ask why - 12/2/2008 11:01:27 AM
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joy2give2u
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I read though the most recent post, wrote replies, then decided it was not worth the effort since it is obvious minds are made up..........
I admit I am very sad to read some of the responses and to see there are some who feel a person asking questions is a negative thing where the person is only doing so in order to judge, critize or find out dirt on the person.........I find this very sad......so sad it actually makes my heart ache.
It was stated that this was the norm or most often why a question would be ask yet experts disagree.......
Quotes from Dr. Carey when it comes to asking Why questions........"Why questions are great when we want to learn information and seek deeper
understanding."
As Dr. Carey, M.S. stated, "Yes, I can have a loving, curious desire to better understand why others behave in certain ways. It is good to have this interest in others and to
want to understand them."
In the article I linked earlier he went on to state questions of why are good and lead to more knowledge and a deeper understanding but are to be guarded against with some because it may make a few feel discomfort.......he continues on by saying"This discomfort can stem from feeling grilled. We may have been grilled as children or even in certain roles as adults,
i.e., the military. This discomfort can lead to defensiveness. Defensiveness can be related to our sense of vulnerability and fear of being judged."
The purpose of asking why is to gain more knowledge of a person along with a deeper understanding of who they are.........questions are asked because a person wants to know you better........
I am trying to figure out what to write and no words are coming..........I am just really sad reading these post...........sad some miss out on getting to know others better because they suspect questions assuming they are asked with negative intent............
I admit this thread has been an eye opener..........it was started because I was confused why a certain assumption was made after I asked a why question in the How I feel Thread......and though I know understand why the assumption was made I still can't comprehend or relate thinking that way.
I am sorry if people have felt my questions, in particular when I have asked why, were in order to make a judgment or to give reason to be critical..........that was never and has never been my heart.
I would hope not all people would see questions being asked them as negative........
Ironic that people who are not Christian, who it would be assumed would have more reason to mistrust the motives of others, have never responded in such a way.........
In my experience people feel valued when you take time to ask them pointed questions and listen to the answers..........I have never had anyone respond negatively to my questions except for people from this site.......I find that very sad as well.........and to be honest it has made me wonder why? Why would Christians assume the worse of a person's motives and be defensive of questions..........it makes sense to me.
Before I leave this thread I feel a need to make one more comment.
The next time someone ask you a question try seeing them as someone who really wants to get to know you better, trust them a little, and you might be surprised at how much you enjoy getting to know them.
_____________________________
Transformation happens NOT when we get through scripture BUT when scripture gets through Us
Lake Michigan
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RE: why ask why - 12/2/2008 11:14:15 AM
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joy2give2u
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From: Indiana
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quote:
I think people have the right to feel the way they feel just because they feel that way, without someone interrogating them as to "why".
Good grief!
If you read the post before rgod made her statement and I asked why she felt that way you would see that ph made a comment about a hot sexy man in a shower scene where he is not dressed...........
I read rgod comment.......I really need a man...........in relationship to PH post and thought she was being funny...........I commented that I have never needed a man but I have sure wanted one before..........based on the train of thought started with the description of a man in a shower..........
I asked rgod why to make sure she was being funny as well........
I was asking why to find out more information on her thoughts behind her post and to gain deeper understanding of what she was feeling.............
Which ties in perfectly with the whole direction this thread has taken....some assume a why question is asked for reason other then why it may have been asked based solely on how they interpret the question........or what it would mean if they had been the one asking the question............
I find it very sad that people assume negative motives on a Christian site.............
I can't understand why and probably never will.
_____________________________
Transformation happens NOT when we get through scripture BUT when scripture gets through Us
Lake Michigan
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RE: why ask why - 12/2/2008 11:37:07 AM
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Focusing
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Dawn, I think it's important to remember what's already been stated in this thread, and that is: Christians are people too. Sinful individuals who make mistakes. People who are in different stretches of their walk with the Lord. People who may or may not understand what another person is going through. Simply because someone is a follower of Christ does not automatically make them a safe person.
Perhaps you have not experienced befriending someone, even someone who is a believer, who has shown over time that they are a "safe" person ... only to have them do something that leaves you completely dumbfounded and doubting your ability to ever trust another human being ever again. Experiences like that can be difficult, and yes, they will cause us to understand ever so clearly why we need to guard our hearts. Guarding our hearts is using wisdom. What we need to guard our hearts from will differ from person to person, and it is based upon our experiences, what the Lord chooses to show us, what the Lord chooses to hide from us for the present time, and because of choices we have made, ie, consequences. It's all part of the journey of life.
I'm sorry if you are feeling sad, but you asked a question ... well, okay lots of questions ... to get to understand this subject more clearly. Perhaps you don't like the answers and reasons posted, or perhaps you don't understand them. That's not always a bad thing. A sense of wonder and innocence is a gift. It's not a gift everyone has. There are lots of things that people say and do that I cannot possibly comprehend. It doesn't make them right, and it doesn't make them wrong. It just is what it is, and I have learned to accept that. Maybe it's something the Lord will have me learn at another time in my life, maybe not. All I know is sometimes I just have to accept what is ... no matter whether I agree with it and no matter whether I understand it.
_____________________________
Instead of a gem, or even a flower, we should cast the gift of a loving thought into the heart of a friend. That would be giving as the angels give.
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RE: why ask why - 12/3/2008 8:06:30 AM
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willfs
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As stated in my earlier post, I think it is good to ask why of oneself and even others but I dont think that it is ALWAYS good or nessesary to ask why of others. I don't know the statistics on what percentage of the time asking why is bad. there are many things that I think I need to be doing more of, like discerning my motives, reasons behind beliefs - all the stuff that "why" can help answer; however, I am not going to push the same process of questioning motives or reasons onto everyone else I come in contact with.
Many times, I would hold off from asking why because:
they do not know the answer and this would embarass them or make them pretty uncomfortable,
I don't know the other person well enough to start digging into certain areas of their life,
(although I do not know the stats on what percentage) there are certain situations in which a person will feel like they are being interrogated and this can make them feel attacked,
because I am not really asking out of love or a healthy curiosity,
_____________________________
If you're approaching Him not as the goal but as a road, not as the end but as a means, you're not really approaching Him at all. - C.S. Lewis
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RE: why ask why - 12/4/2008 9:17:13 AM
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rgod
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Hi Joy - I'm glad that you asked why because I didn't realize that what I said could be interpreted in that way. I was simply talking about how I felt at the time - that at one time I felt like a husband was a nice to have - but now I'm feeling that it is more of a need - like I would function better with a husband.
I'm glad that you asked me "why" instead of assuming that I said something that I didn't mean.
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RE: why ask why - 12/4/2008 10:56:05 AM
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John_O
Posts: 8028
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quote:
ORIGINAL: joy2give2u
I admit I am very sad to read some of the responses and to see there are some who feel a person asking questions is a negative thing where the person is only doing so in order to judge, critize or find out dirt on the person.........I find this very sad......so sad it actually makes my heart ache.
Sorry you are hurting. But that's how probing type questions are usually meant in my experience.
A lot of accusations start out "why"
quote:
Ironic that people who are not Christian, who it would be assumed would have more reason to mistrust the motives of others, have never responded in such a way.........
In my experience people feel valued when you take time to ask them pointed questions and listen to the answers..........I have never had anyone respond negatively to my questions except for people from this site.......I find that very sad as well.........and to be honest it has made me wonder why? Why would Christians assume the worse of a person's motives and be defensive of questions..........it makes sense to me.
Because many of the folks who post here have been hurt before and Christians are notorious for shooting their own wounded
quote:
The next time someone ask you a question try seeing them as someone who really wants to get to know you better, trust them a little, and you might be surprised at how much you enjoy getting to know them.
OK I'll play. Why would they want to get to know me better? What do they want from me? Am I really paranoid or are they really out to get me?
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Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: why ask why - 12/4/2008 11:07:24 AM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 4479
Joined: 11/6/2007
From: upstate NY
Status: offline
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accusations or making people feed bad, is not tied in with why. if you look at the heated one stop threads, there are way more ways to accuse people than asking why. in fact, usually if people want to correct someone in a post in general, they'll quote them and state their own opinion, look through posts in singles for examples. no whys involved. like they are wrong. sometimes someone might say why do you think that way, but usually people just state their opinion like the others are wrong. why is a word and any word can be used for good or bad ...
if people don't want or are afraid of discussion, why are they participating on a discussion board, it seems discussion is likely to ensue.
< Message edited by iwillfearnoevil -- 12/4/2008 11:15:44 AM >
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Photoblogging My Life
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Maybe? 