RE: Have you ever been inappropriately touched or exposed to something of a sexual nature?
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[Poll]
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Have you ever been inappropriately touched or exposed to something of a sexual nature?
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Total Votes : 101
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(last vote on : 1/8/2009 7:28:29 AM)
(Poll will run till: -- )
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RE: Have you ever been inappropriately touched or expos... - 11/20/2008 10:05:29 PM
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manda59
Posts: 6187
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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prolifepj and betterisoneday,
Ever heard of "false guilt"?
False guilt is when we feel responsible for something we did not do, or something we were not responsible for.
It's particularly common in those of us who had the kind of upbringing where we were regularly made to feel responsible for anything and everything, anyone and everyone, and, if anything went wrong, the punishment was excessive compared to the "crime". It's also common in those of us who were made to feel like we existed to meet other people's needs, and then, if we somehow "failed", we were punished, or had passive-aggressive behaviour directed at us (eg there was sulking by that person, or we were ignored etc). If we were raised like that, we can easily become people-pleasers, because many of us learned to survive, often unconsciously, by seeking the approval of our loved ones (or equally by avoiding their disapproval), and this can lead us to not want to say anything bad about anyone (old habits die hard).
If we also tend to have a negative opinion of ourselves (which is often deep seated in origin, again from childhood), we will also be more prone to blaming ourselves, and accepting/receving blame from others when it is not deserved.
Even just knowing this has a name helped me greatly. Learning about healthy boundaries helped me even more. (There's a great book called "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend which is a great resource). And also learning to say to myself "I'm not guilty", "I was not responsible for that", "That was/is not my responsibility" was also therapeutic.
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"Manda is right"
mvic, January 2009
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RE: Have you ever been inappropriately touched or expos... - 11/20/2008 10:09:15 PM
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Roberta_
Posts: 7427
Joined: 9/28/2007
From: East Bay Area
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Thanks Manda!
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RE: Have you ever been inappropriately touched or expos... - 11/20/2008 10:16:23 PM
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prolifepj
Posts: 724
Joined: 9/12/2008
From: just over yonder
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hmmmm, let me just say: da dum chssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhh
quote:
"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
Wasn't raised to think that, don't exactly know where it came from - but methinks that's exactly it. I'm working on exchanging my 'false guilt' for some truth!
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Sho nuff honey chile - Smile, it makes people wonder what you're up to!
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RE: Have you ever been inappropriately touched or expos... - 11/20/2008 10:26:08 PM
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Memaw.
Posts: 2296
Joined: 1/29/2007
From: Sunflower State
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quote:
the punishment was excessive compared to the "crime"
Manda,
Just yesterday Rick and I were discussing this and the events that had happened to me and it was the first time ever that it clicked in my head and I said those very words.
Yes, I shouldn't have been in the places I was at when I was raped, BUT the "punishment" I received (rape) was extreme for the "crime" I committed (disobeying parents and going somewhere I wasn't supposed to go).
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<-- Squirt
A government big enough to give you everything you want,
is strong enough to take everything you have.
....Thomas Jefferson
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RE: Have you ever been inappropriately touched or expos... - 11/20/2008 11:55:30 PM
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p31woman
Posts: 560
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Texas, and now South Dakota
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Praying for you ladies tonight. Our G-d's in the business of healing and restoration and making crooked places straight. Amen! I'm praying for healing and peace for each of you... and for His speedy return.
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So don't let anyone pass judgment on you in connection with eating and drinking, or in regard to a Jewish festival or Rosh-Hodesh or Shabbat. These are a shadow of things that are coming, but the body is of the Messiah. Colossians 2:16-17
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RE: Have you ever been inappropriately touched or expos... - 11/21/2008 8:28:27 AM
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KatMack
Posts: 1074
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From: Along the Canopy Roads
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I voted several days ago, but haven't been able to bring myself to post. This whole thing has been very timely for me. I was looking for a good Bible Study to do and picked up Lord Heal My Hurts by Kay Arthur for about the 100th time. I think this time I'm actually going to make it past the first week's work!
--Kat
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<-- My sweet blessings.
"God will do what God will do. What I'm responsible for is to believe he's all he says he is and obey what he tells me to do. " -magdaleine
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RE: Have you ever been inappropriately touched or expos... - 11/21/2008 9:21:26 AM
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CoeurdeLeon_
Posts: 9048
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quote:
ORIGINAL: p31woman
Praying for you ladies tonight. Our G-d's in the business of healing and restoration and making crooked places straight. Amen! I'm praying for healing and peace for each of you... and for His speedy return.
Amen!
quote:
ORIGINAL: KatMack
I voted several days ago, but haven't been able to bring myself to post. This whole thing has been very timely for me. I was looking for a good Bible Study to do and picked up Lord Heal My Hurts by Kay Arthur for about the 100th time. I think this time I'm actually going to make it past the first week's work!
That is wonderful! May God give you peace and courage, 'tis a brave thing you do!
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This morning I was awakened by the sound of purple
colliding with the fragrance of laughter.
Eutychus
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RE: Have you ever been inappropriately touched or expos... - 11/21/2008 9:26:02 AM
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Consecrated2God
Posts: 5151
Joined: 4/4/2005
From: Formerly Jesus Land
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quote:
I find myself justifying their actions quite often. "Well, they were probably abused as kids., etc." That doesn't excuse what they did. There are millions of us who were abused, molested, neglected, etc. and we don't do that to our children.
For me, it's not about excusing what they did as much as not wanting to hate the person. If I can find some reason for what they did, then I can see them as being human and not a monster, and I can feel pity instead of anger. I don't blame myself, although at the time I did feel a bit of that false guilt, because I felt I should have listened to Erick (my fiance at that time) and cancelled my plans to visit my grandparents in Alaska for the summer. If I had done what he wanted me to, it wouldn't have happened, but I had no way of knowing what was going to happen and I know I didn't do anything wrong.
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Bonky
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RE: Have you ever been inappropriately touched or expos... - 11/21/2008 12:44:44 PM
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Covaan_Meshuga
Posts: 3417
Joined: 6/8/2005
From: a mother who let me live
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You ladies who were raped, my heart breaks for you. I was one of the lucky ones -- I can't imagine what you go through. I am sure I would not have your grace.
When I wrote:
quote:
Inappropriate touching:
2 pastors -- one when I was a teen, one when I was widowed
2 bosses -- my first boss and one right after I was widowed
1 fellow employee who had both tenure and authority over me
2 neighbors when I was a twelve-year-old
Inappropriate questioning:
another pastor, right after I was widowed
I had done absolutely nothing to bring these on, but I was terrifically naive and trusting.
I should have mentioned that one of the bosses was also a pastor, but not of any church I ever attended; that happened in a grocery store in Minnesota, where he was my manager. All this junk with religious people, though, makes me ask why I don't hate G-d and why I didn't walk away from all religion years ago, but the answer is His mercy.
As far as forgiveness, I am not sure I have forgiven. That is so confusing to me. I still feel anger about what happened and avoid all the people, and their people, as much as possible. I have no kind thoughts toward them, except that I hope that those who are still alive find forgiveness. Most of the ones who did this to me, directly, are dead, and I do pity their souls, wondering if they found forgiveness, from G-d at least, before they died. I don't want any of them to end up without G-d.
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Abiyah
"Ladies and gentlemen, there are things that you will only be able to learn by the weakest among us, and when you snuff them out, you are the one that loses." ~~Gianna Jesson, 1977 LA, CA, saline abortion survivor
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RE: Have you ever been inappropriately touched or expos... - 11/21/2008 3:00:30 PM
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KatMack
Posts: 1074
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From: Along the Canopy Roads
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quote:
i tried walking away, and He kept dragging me back into his arms of grace.
Amen!
--Kat
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<-- My sweet blessings.
"God will do what God will do. What I'm responsible for is to believe he's all he says he is and obey what he tells me to do. " -magdaleine
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RE: Have you ever been inappropriately touched or expos... - 11/22/2008 11:39:20 AM
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monamie
Posts: 899
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: OK
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Yes. Several situations and guys. Never rape, but once was very scared by aggression.
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RE: Have you ever been inappropriately touched or expos... - 11/22/2008 5:30:50 PM
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Roberta_
Posts: 7427
Joined: 9/28/2007
From: East Bay Area
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quote:
ORIGINAL: prolifepj
I don't know about you all, but what I hate the most about this kind of mess is the inability to trust that inevitably follows. I think it's wrong that I have to literally make a conscious effort and tell myself, "not all men are bad" because they aren't
Yes. Sometimes I get angry at myself for not being able to just trust others.
I also get angry because the few times that I did say anything as a child, therapists would tell me that it was not all that bad. They would tell me that it could be worse because it could've been a blood relative. I guess that was the mindset back then.
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RE: Have you ever been inappropriately touched or expos... - 11/22/2008 5:58:15 PM
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Covaan_Meshuga
Posts: 3417
Joined: 6/8/2005
From: a mother who let me live
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quote:
ORIGINAL: prolifepj
(((((Abiyah))))))
Oh, hugs back to you, Prolife! ((((((Prolifepj)))))
quote:
ORIGINAL: prolifepj
. . . Sometimes I think I've forgiven and then I see one of my former bosses(which isn't often) and they act as if nothing ever happened . . . .
I understand this too well. I finally got the guts to go one-on-one, during camp meeting, to confront one of the now-dead pastors, and he so solidly denied what he did that there was simply no place to go with it. I just walked out of his cabin. And he continued, both after he had done it and after I confronted him, to preach in his church and at the camp meeting! How can this happen? How can they be so dishonest without blinking an eye?
quote:
ORIGINAL: prolifepj
I don't know about you all, but what I hate the most about this kind of mess is the inability to trust that inevitably follows. I think it's wrong that I have to literally make a conscious effort and tell myself, "not all men are bad" because they aren't - my dad and brother are perfect examples - they're golden -
My brothers, too, are wonderful, fabulous people who have never done anything to me but be kind and brotherly. And they, last I knew, don't even claim -- directly -- to be believers. How can this be, when the majority of people who were inappropriate were men who claimed to be belivers -- to their dying breath?
And we women were always the ones who lost our jobs after the men who were our bosses were inappropriate with us! They kept theirs, with benefits and raises.
But I am so stupid about some things. I trust most people, including men. Most people have never given me any reason not to trust them, so I just do. I took my present job, however, because the church had no pastor, because I simply did not trust most pastors. When they hired one months later, I told my husband, "Well, there goes my job." But I wanted to be sure . . . .
So I stayed and found myself working with a pastor who is conscientious, godly, kind, fun, and Very Married! This was the beginning of the lesson: all pastors are not like many of the ones I dealt with in the old church! So now, I trust pastors and ministers -- who are not from or in the old church.
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Abiyah
"Ladies and gentlemen, there are things that you will only be able to learn by the weakest among us, and when you snuff them out, you are the one that loses." ~~Gianna Jesson, 1977 LA, CA, saline abortion survivor
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RE: Have you ever been inappropriately touched or expos... - 11/22/2008 6:13:25 PM
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prolifepj
Posts: 724
Joined: 9/12/2008
From: just over yonder
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Roberta
Yes. Sometimes I get angry at myself for not being able to just trust others.
I also get angry because the few times that I did say anything as a child, therapists would tell me that it was not all that bad. They would tell me that it could be worse because it could've been a blood relative. I guess that was the mindset back then.
Roberta - I so get this and unfortunately I'm not so sure that mindset has changed much.
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Covaan_Meshuga
How can this happen? How can they be so dishonest without blinking an eye?
quote:
...How can this be, when the majority of people who were inappropriate were men who claimed to be believers -- to their dying breath? And we women were always the ones who lost our jobs after the men who were our bosses were inappropriate with us! They kept theirs, with benefits and raises. Yeah....
I will always wonder the same thing.
quote:
....So I stayed and found myself working with a pastor who is conscientious, godly, kind, fun, and Very Married! This was the beginning of the lesson: all pastors are not like many of the ones I dealt with in the old church! So now, I trust pastors and ministers -- who are not from or in the old church.
I love happy endings. THE SUN IS STILL SHINING!!!
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Sho nuff honey chile - Smile, it makes people wonder what you're up to!
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RE: Have you ever been inappropriately touched or expos... - 11/22/2008 10:34:52 PM
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CoeurdeLeon_
Posts: 9048
Joined: 9/4/2005
From: Inside my head
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This seems like a good time to recommend the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker.
I think it was Sunniemom who first recommended it somewhere here in the forums and I think BugLady also recommends it. It's about all the million little things that we don't realize we're noticing and that make us wary of people/situations/whatever that we have a tendency to talk ourselves out of because we think there's nothing rational about what our "gut" is telling us. And it aims to help us better recognize when and why we should listen to our gut.
_____________________________
This morning I was awakened by the sound of purple
colliding with the fragrance of laughter.
Eutychus
New Blog
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RE: Have you ever been inappropriately touched or expos... - 11/23/2008 9:12:06 PM
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Grace-N-Mercy
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Aah, thanks for the book recommendation. I'm going through "Hurt People Hurt People" again tonight... that's a good book as well.
What I do is called "compensation" - that's the skill of hiding all the needy parts. I'm working on that, though.
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<-- When did Hollywood go from classy to 'cheap & easy'?
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RE: Have you ever been inappropriately touched or expos... - 11/23/2008 9:23:30 PM
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Grace-N-Mercy
Posts: 6041
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That would be Sandra D. Wilson, Ph.D. It's "Hurt People Hurt People: Hope and healing for yourself and your relationships.
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<-- When did Hollywood go from classy to 'cheap & easy'?
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They didn't try things enough to have gotten themselves into any real trouble. That 'friend' on the other hand (that should have gone to jail)- I haven't seen since then, so I'm not sure. .. 
A copy of that book would be a great Christmas present for all the women in my family.