RE: Have you ever been inappropriately touched or exposed to something of a sexual nature?
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[Poll]
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Have you ever been inappropriately touched or exposed to something of a sexual nature?
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Total Votes : 101
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(last vote on : 1/8/2009 7:28:29 AM)
(Poll will run till: -- )
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RE: Have you ever been inappropriately touched or expos... - 11/19/2008 7:28:36 PM
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Memaw.
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I want to say I am really surprised to find that I am not the only one here who still reacts and has emotional issues from what happened.
I thought I was the "weird one", the one who was "just screwed up".
Each post I read has ME written all over it, from sabotaging relationships to gaining weight to discourage men, to thinking every compliment is sexual in nature to not trusting (and not just men but women as well).
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RE: Have you ever been inappropriately touched or expos... - 11/19/2008 7:49:40 PM
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manda59
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quote:
ORIGINAL: BeeLuvsAva
I have a question. Does anyone blame other people, other then the person that abused them? I feel I have a lot of trouble with that, I feel I blame one of my sister's and my mother a lot for what happened, and I know it's not their fault in any way and IF they could have stopped it they probably would have, but it happened to my sister when she was young, and my mother never left my father, she gave him another chance, she never informed any of us other girls about what happened just to let us know that it's not normal, neither did my sister, I feel at times like I have more anger at them then I do my own father, I feel very guilty about it.
It's natural to feel anger about this - and in fact it's a very healthy sign that you do. Sometimes people need help though (counselling) to learn how to deal with it constructively. Many many abused people can never bring themselves to admit these kind of feelings, and instead the person turns the anger in on themselves, often resulting in depression and other emotional issues, and sometimes physical illnesses too. Dealing with the anger of someone failing to protect you, betraying you even, is a vital step on the way to recovery.
IMO your mother and sister were negligent in their duty to you, and as such they do bear some responsibility for what happened to you. Though I'd say probably more your mother than your sister (since your sister was a victim too). It may well be that they were ignorant about such matters, that they perhaps truly believed your father wouldn't do it again - who knows, maybe he was good at lying and deceived them into believing that. Or maybe your mother valued her marriage above her children and talked your sister into not telling you "for the good of the family" ........... I am sorry if that sounds harsh, but unfortunately it does happen sometimes.
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"Manda is right"
mvic, January 2009
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RE: Have you ever been inappropriately touched or expos... - 11/19/2008 8:12:16 PM
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BeeLuvsAva
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quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
quote:
ORIGINAL: BeeLuvsAva
I have a question. Does anyone blame other people, other then the person that abused them? I feel I have a lot of trouble with that, I feel I blame one of my sister's and my mother a lot for what happened, and I know it's not their fault in any way and IF they could have stopped it they probably would have, but it happened to my sister when she was young, and my mother never left my father, she gave him another chance, she never informed any of us other girls about what happened just to let us know that it's not normal, neither did my sister, I feel at times like I have more anger at them then I do my own father, I feel very guilty about it.
It's natural to feel anger about this - and in fact it's a very healthy sign that you do. Sometimes people need help though (counselling) to learn how to deal with it constructively. Many many abused people can never bring themselves to admit these kind of feelings, and instead the person turns the anger in on themselves, often resulting in depression and other emotional issues, and sometimes physical illnesses too. Dealing with the anger of someone failing to protect you, betraying you even, is a vital step on the way to recovery.
IMO your mother and sister were negligent in their duty to you, and as such they do bear some responsibility for what happened to you. Though I'd say probably more your mother than your sister (since your sister was a victim too). It may well be that they were ignorant about such matters, that they perhaps truly believed your father wouldn't do it again - who knows, maybe he was good at lying and deceived them into believing that. Or maybe your mother valued her marriage above her children and talked your sister into not telling you "for the good of the family" ........... I am sorry if that sounds harsh, but unfortunately it does happen sometimes.
It's not harsh at all, but for me it's just hard to understand why a mother couldn't leave her husband if he did that to one of her daughters, for me I feel that if anyone touched a hair on my daughters head inappropriately I would probably take it off, that sounds harsh, but it's how I feel. I want to protect my daughter, and it's offensive to me that my mother could not do the same for me, or my sister's. Looking back my mother and father did not have a relationship was was good, my dad would usually slept in a chair downstairs, and my mom up in her bedroom, they would rarely talk unless it was arguing, or we were at Church and they wanted to put on a good face. I love my mother of course, but I can't help but feel some anger towards her.
(((((Memaw))))) you are in no way "the weird one" or "just screwed up" and I am happy that you are seeing that! sometimes it feels that we won't ever completely heal from the abuse, but we have a loving Father, who is the master healer, and he is wonderful and gracious! 
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We enjoy warmth because we have been cold.
We appreciate light because we have been in darkness.
By the same token, we can experience joy because we have known sadness.
-David Weatherford
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RE: Have you ever been inappropriately touched or expos... - 11/19/2008 8:32:35 PM
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Roberta_
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quote:
ORIGINAL: BeeLuvsAva
I have a question. Does anyone blame other people, other then the person that abused them? I feel I have a lot of trouble with that, I feel I blame one of my sister's and my mother a lot for what happened, and I know it's not their fault in any way and IF they could have stopped it they probably would have, but it happened to my sister when she was young, and my mother never left my father, she gave him another chance, she never informed any of us other girls about what happened just to let us know that it's not normal, neither did my sister, I feel at times like I have more anger at them then I do my own father, I feel very guilty about it.
Sometimes I do.
Other times I still blame myself.
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RE: Have you ever been inappropriately touched or expos... - 11/19/2008 8:44:56 PM
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CoeurdeLeon_
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Memaw.
I want to say I am really surprised to find that I am not the only one here who still reacts and has emotional issues from what happened.
I thought I was the "weird one", the one who was "just screwed up".
Each post I read has ME written all over it, from sabotaging relationships to gaining weight to discourage men, to thinking every compliment is sexual in nature to not trusting (and not just men but women as well).
It's sort of a relief, isn't it? To know how absolutely normal we and our reactions are.
There's something that I've been thinking of that will make us all feel a little better, too. The poll results are probably skewed. I think that's it's very possible that the title/OP would catch the attention of more women who have had unwanted sexual experiences and they would be more likely (than women who haven't) to vote/respond.
Did that make sense?
I just had GC read the first 4 pages. She rolls her eyes and sighs and acts like I'm over-reacting but now she's better educated than she was.
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This morning I was awakened by the sound of purple
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Eutychus
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RE: Have you ever been inappropriately touched or expos... - 11/19/2008 8:45:53 PM
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manda59
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quote:
ORIGINAL: BeeLuvsAva
I love my mother of course, but I can't help but feel some anger towards her.
Don't allow yourself to feel guilty over that - it is perfectly understandable and ok. It is a kind of social taboo, to have negative feelings about our parents, especially our mothers, but it is honestly all right. What we do with those angry feelings is another subject entirely - for it is possible to deal with them in either a constructive or an unconstructive way, but it is ok to feel them.
Your mother did the best she could with what she had - but she did not have enough, and the way she dealt with the situation was not good enough. It is totally okay to think that.
My mother was herself molested from the age of 10-16 by her guardian, and then at 16-17 by someone in authority at the Methodist Church she attended. Yet she did not warn or prepare me as I was growing up, and, in fact, when I was 16, and brought a guy home who I'd met on the way into town (and who had given me a lift home) to meet her (looking for her opinion of him), she greeted him warmly (even though I had only just met him and didn't know him from Adam) and said it was perfectly fine for me to go out for a drive and a walk with him. I had honestly been expecting (and hoping) she'd say no, but off I went with him, and no sooner had we started our walk than he pulled me to the ground and pinned me there with his whole body weight. I never told her what he did, and tried to do, to me. All she asked was whether I was seeing him again and I said no. She never asked if I was ok. She was clearly not equipped to help me deal with life, so I learned my hard lesson and vowed to teach myself how to keep myself safe in future.
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"Manda is right"
mvic, January 2009
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RE: Have you ever been inappropriately touched or expos... - 11/19/2008 8:58:08 PM
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CoeurdeLeon_
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Here is an informative link provided by Qtman (a law enforcement officer for 28 yrs...he's seen and heard what we're talking about) who has been incredibly supportive and helpful with a lot of the stuff so many of us are sorting through.
Rape Myths and Facts
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This morning I was awakened by the sound of purple
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Eutychus
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RE: Have you ever been inappropriately touched or expos... - 11/19/2008 8:58:43 PM
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BlessedAngel1983
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My mother was also violated when she was younger. When she found out what was happening we packed our bags that day and left.
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Reflecting with Terri
If you're worried and you can't sleep
Just count your blessings instead of sheep
And you'll fall asleep counting your blessings
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RE: Have you ever been inappropriately touched or expos... - 11/19/2008 9:02:19 PM
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BlessedAngel1983
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QtMan wanted this to be over here and asked that it be posted.
http://www.usu.edu/saavi/pdf/myths_facts.pdf
Its been said before, but i'll have to say it again. Sam is a good man!
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Reflecting with Terri
If you're worried and you can't sleep
Just count your blessings instead of sheep
And you'll fall asleep counting your blessings
AKA AngelInWaiting1983
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RE: Have you ever been inappropriately touched or expos... - 11/19/2008 11:39:09 PM
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bootsNspurs_mod
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((((((((( Kuku )))))))))) praying for you.
BeeLuvsAva.. I can't understand either how a mother doesn't leave her husband when something is found out. One of my best friends was nearly raped by her stepdad. When her mom found out, she made my friend promise not to say anything about it. She also is still with the man to this day. I could never figure it out... not then... not when I sat with my friend on one side of the courtroom while her mom sat on the other side with her stepdad shooting us dirty looks... not now. I don't know why people do that.
What your mom did was wrong.
< Message edited by bootsNspurs_mod -- 11/20/2008 4:18:47 AM >
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James 2:19 paraphrased
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RE: Have you ever been inappropriately touched or expos... - 11/20/2008 8:26:31 AM
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Tinkerbell_
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quote:
ORIGINAL: CoeurdeLeon
quote:
ORIGINAL: Tinkerbell_
quote:
ORIGINAL: bootsNspurs_mod
(((((((((((( momma_bee )))))))))))))
It was NOT your fault. They had the problem, not you.
It was NOT your fault.
Does anyone read this and think, 'yeah right!'? I can't help but think this whenever someone tries to tell this to me. There are soooo many ways that my rape could have been avoided but they weren't due to ignorance of teenage girls. How can I not place myself responsible?
Tis mind boggling.
Sure. About this and I think that when anyone tells me I'm attractive or nice or that I'm a good mom or fun to be around. I think it lots of times about a lot of things. But that's a lie from the pit and I am trying very hard to take those thoughts captive.
And, Tink, seriously. How could we not have been ignorant? How do we know anything unless we've been taught it or experienced it? We are not at fault for not knowing what we don't know.
We are if we don't use common sense. Mind you I'm not speaking to anyone but myself.
quote:
ORIGINAL: BeeLuvsAva
I have a question. Does anyone blame other people, other then the person that abused them?
I do. Do I feel guilty about it? Sometimes...but then I think of the pain that I went through and the guilt flies right out the window.
I'm noticing I'm feeling a bit bitter towards this subject so I'm going to bow out until I do some processing.
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RE: Have you ever been inappropriately touched or expos... - 11/20/2008 8:37:06 AM
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CoeurdeLeon_
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{{{{{Tink}}}}}
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This morning I was awakened by the sound of purple
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Eutychus
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RE: Have you ever been inappropriately touched or expos... - 11/20/2008 8:53:28 AM
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CoeurdeLeon_
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Something that has been tremendously healing for me is having a daughter. As she's grown up and reached the ages that were "critical" for me, I've been able to process a lot of stuff.
Two things especially stand out...
There are things I've always blamed myself for because I thought I should have known better or been a better person at the time. Seeing her reach 13 and 14, I've been able to see that she would have been in no way prepared to deal with the things that happened to me. She's an on the ball kid but she's not any more so or less so than I was at her age. Looking at her and seeing me, I realize that I was in no way prepared to deal with that garbage either and I've been able to lay aside the guilt and forgive myself.
The other thing is that I've been able to clearly see how bloody criminally insane it was for me to have been left in, put in or allowed to be in the situations that I regularly found myself in as a kid. Even if I weren't a Christian, there is no way on God's green earth that I would EVER be so negligent or intentionally put GC at risk the way my mother did with me.
Those things were really, really eye-opening for me and I was able to see things so much more clearly than I ever had before...
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This morning I was awakened by the sound of purple
colliding with the fragrance of laughter.
Eutychus
New Blog
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RE: Have you ever been inappropriately touched or expos... - 11/20/2008 9:04:34 AM
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Grace-N-Mercy
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quote:
ORIGINAL: KuKu
How about a pastor who 'knew something was wrong' but believed a child rather than going to authorities? How about relatives who actually saw things happen (walked in) but hid behind the 'family privacy' clause?
This thread is really getting interesting for me, because I am not in a place to talk this out with anyone... I know I could use prayer and I am sure there are a lot of people here just like me...
(((((KuKu))))) I am praying for you! Amazing how this prayer has affected each of us in profound ways.
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<-- When did Hollywood go from classy to 'cheap & easy'?
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RE: Have you ever been inappropriately touched or expos... - 11/20/2008 9:05:01 AM
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manda59
Posts: 6187
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Tinkerbell_
We are if we don't use common sense. Mind you I'm not speaking to anyone but myself.
Tink,
In another post you alluded to difficult things you'd had to deal with in your childhood (as well as teenage years). Now, I'm not asking you at all what they were, but the fact that you mentioned them, even generally, means they were significant to you and likely had a major effect on you.
So-called "common sense", or rather (presumably) the ability to make sound and wise decisions, is something we learn (or not) when we're children. If the "foundation" from which to make our decisions is a little (or very) shaky in some areas, it's going to be hard for us to always make the right decisions, especially if other issues keep factoring in and confusing the situation. Add in there the notion that many if not most teenagers have of "it will never happen to me", and it is only too easy to make a decision that we will regret. There's another thing about teenagers too, and it's to do with reaction time, and distractions. I once read a very interesting article that my husband showed me, concerning teenage drivers. It was saying that in mid to late teens reaction times are slower than they are in adults because that part of the brain is not yet fully formed. So it is especially easy to get distracted and to not always be able to see things clearly.
Take care, and please try and go a little easier on yourself.
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"Manda is right"
mvic, January 2009
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RE: Have you ever been inappropriately touched or expos... - 11/20/2008 9:12:56 AM
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CoeurdeLeon_
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The things we call common sense are really learned things.
We know not to touch the burner on the stove because we did it as children and learned that it's hot.
We know that ice is slippery because we've fallen on it.
We know not to stand on a hill in an empty field because we've been taught that lightning is a danger there.
We are not born with any of this knowledge or any other kind. And those things we've learned or been taught can also have been inaccurate or incomplete. Teenagers simply are not prepared in any way to deal with adult things. That's why there are ratings on movies to give just one example of the protective fences we employ to keep teenagers from having to deal with adult things.
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This morning I was awakened by the sound of purple
colliding with the fragrance of laughter.
Eutychus
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RE: Have you ever been inappropriately touched or expos... - 11/20/2008 9:15:42 AM
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momma_bee
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You know - one of those other situations? It was more of a date-rape thing. I went out with someone who was "OK" according to my friend. (my word for it) When I told her what had happened she cried with me and apologized to me. She was not to blame for his actions any more than I was. She was guilty of poor judgment, as many young adults are, in all things, but that was it.
But, looking back, I realized she was feelings things WITH me, rather than FOR me and maybe that helped me to not feel the same sense of shame. I look and say 'how could I have been so stupid' but it is the same way I look at my automobile accident and ask what made me think I could drive that fast or look at that hair cut from the 80's. (it looked worse than my wreaked car)
That was the support I needed at that time.
And, I think I came out of stronger because I can look back and see opportunities to change things.
I have to say - it has been so nice that y'all are so supportive of me when I really feel ok. Makes me smile and maybe have a wee tear in the corner of my eye.
Y'all are great (((FRIENDS)))
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RE: Have you ever been inappropriately touched or expos... - 11/20/2008 2:21:40 PM
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Covaan_Meshuga
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quote:
I'm wondering how common these types of things, not necessarily the exact same things, are to all women.
Inappropriate touching:
2 pastors -- one when I was a teen, one when I was widowed
2 bosses -- my first boss and one right after I was widowed
1 fellow employee who had both tenure and authority over me
2 neighbors when I was a twelve-year-old
Inappropriate questioning:
another pastor, right after I was widowed
I had done absolutely nothing to bring these on, but I was terrifically naive and trusting.
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Abiyah
"Ladies and gentlemen, there are things that you will only be able to learn by the weakest among us, and when you snuff them out, you are the one that loses." ~~Gianna Jesson, 1977 LA, CA, saline abortion survivor
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RE: Have you ever been inappropriately touched or expos... - 11/20/2008 2:30:02 PM
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Roberta_
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From: East Bay Area
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How do you know that you've forgiven your abuser(s)?
I've had people tell me that you know you've forgiven them when you are no longer angry at them. Well, I've forgiven them, but I still get angry about the situation. Can you forgive someone and still feel the anger and the hurt?
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RE: Have you ever been inappropriately touched or expos... - 11/20/2008 2:34:13 PM
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doinkdom
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Roberta_
How do you know that you've forgiven your abuser(s)?
I've had people tell me that you know you've forgiven them when you are no longer angry at them. Well, I've forgiven them, but I still get angry about the situation. Can you forgive someone and still feel the anger and the hurt?
yes
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RE: Have you ever been inappropriately touched or expos... - 11/20/2008 8:29:05 PM
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prolifepj
Posts: 724
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From: just over yonder
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Roberta_
How do you know that you've forgiven your abuser(s)?
I've had people tell me that you know you've forgiven them when you are no longer angry at them. Well, I've forgiven them, but I still get angry about the situation. Can you forgive someone and still feel the anger and the hurt?
-2 bosses - 2 yrs ago, main reason I left
-'friend' - many moons ago, i was so stupid
anger? Definitely. Sometimes if I think about it, I still want to knock their heads off, yet for some sick reason, I find myself defending them at times? what's up with that? i often feel like i was somehow at fault when in my head, I KNOW that's not the case.
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Sho nuff honey chile - Smile, it makes people wonder what you're up to!
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RE: Have you ever been inappropriately touched or expos... - 11/20/2008 9:25:25 PM
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betterisoneday
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quote:
ORIGINAL: prolifepj
...yet for some sick reason, I find myself defending them at times? what's up with that? i often feel like i was somehow at fault when in my head, I KNOW that's not the case.
(((prolifepj)))
I know that feeling. Telling yourself your mind is crazy while still wondering if it might be right.
Maybe if we tell our minds enough times that the thoughts are crazy G-d will convince them it's so...
(Note I am not being sacrilegious)
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No reserves. No retreat. No regret.
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RE: Have you ever been inappropriately touched or expos... - 11/20/2008 9:36:58 PM
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Roberta_
Posts: 7427
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From: East Bay Area
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quote:
ORIGINAL: prolifepj
quote:
ORIGINAL: Roberta_
How do you know that you've forgiven your abuser(s)?
I've had people tell me that you know you've forgiven them when you are no longer angry at them. Well, I've forgiven them, but I still get angry about the situation. Can you forgive someone and still feel the anger and the hurt?
-2 bosses - 2 yrs ago, main reason I left
-'friend' - many moons ago, i was so stupid
anger? Definitely. Sometimes if I think about it, I still want to knock their heads off, yet for some sick reason, I find myself defending them at times? what's up with that? i often feel like i was somehow at fault when in my head, I KNOW that's not the case.
I find myself justifying their actions quite often. "Well, they were probably abused as kids., etc." That doesn't excuse what they did. There are millions of us who were abused, molested, neglected, etc. and we don't do that to our children.
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RE: Have you ever been inappropriately touched or expos... - 11/20/2008 9:44:42 PM
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prolifepj
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Why? Why do we do that? A friend of mine that worked with me noticed what started and quit before i did - when she mentions something totally true, but against that particular boss - i defended him- am I nuts? 'Oh he's such a nice guy' - comes out of my mouth - NO HE WASN'T IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, FORM, OR FASHION! it took 3 years for people to tell me he actually had a rep of being the way he was - though I would never admit its truth to anyone. i should have known better...
< Message edited by prolifepj -- 11/20/2008 9:54:40 PM >
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Sho nuff honey chile - Smile, it makes people wonder what you're up to!
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