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RE: I Didn't Mean To Lead You On - 11/15/2008 12:41:59 PM
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SamsonUSA
Posts: 1055
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quote:
ORIGINAL: BugLady
quote:
If you go to visit someone you've met online you are basically telling them you are interested in pursuing an interest in them romantically. Period. There is no gray area here in my opinion.
Really? I disagree. I wouldn't think it communicated that at all. How could a pweson possibly know they are romantically interested in someone prior to even meeting them?
Well then we will have to agree to disagree on both of the points you presented. If I chatted with or exchanged emails with someone over a period of time and felt I got to know someone from that pretty well I would know if God has laid it upon my heart if there was something else there before I ever met the face to face.
Once you step on a plane or take a drive to meet someone you are conveying an interest in exploring a possible relationship with that person, even if the meeting proves otherwise. It is the intent of the heart.
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Knowledge humbles great men, astonishes the common man, and puffs up the little man
Chubby babies rock!
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RE: I Didn't Mean To Lead You On - 11/15/2008 12:56:27 PM
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ShallbeRebuilt
Posts: 2205
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quote:
As far as IM'ing ... no, I do not believe that automatically constitutes any kind of a romantic interest. If you are IM'ing and talking on the phone together a lot, well, that's a whole different thing. And, of course, it depends what you're discussing. But just because you and someone are IM'ing does not equate to romance.
I believe that IM'ing and normal conversation can be fairly correlative in what I said earlier. If you don't say you're interested, then the lady should not assume so. And a lady who is not interested in you but finds you chatting with her a lot, can choose to remain "invisible" to you. That works both ways...if you are not interested, then don't remain available to her.
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Communication. Communication. Communication.
^^^That just needed to be said again.
I maintain that it takes courage to keep the communication lines open. But it is scripturally admonished. If there is any doubt about what something means, then "let your yes be yes, and your no be no". Make it clear in a loving way.
It's really quite simple. Just not easy.
shallbe
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RE: I Didn't Mean To Lead You On - 11/15/2008 1:05:38 PM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
Posts: 23494
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From: Here . . . but subject to change; stay tuned
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SamsonUSA
Lets be careful here though. I once drove 45 miles to meet someone that had PM'd me asking for workout advice from a different Christian forum than CW. After putting together and emailing her a workout program she was having difficulty understanding how to do it from written instruction so I went down to to meet her one day just to help her out. It was a 45 minute instruction in a crowded gym with no other interaction at all. Very businesslike but cordial. She didn't have my home address but I started receiving flowers and cards from her at my gym. That was creepy so be careful friends.
That's a very valid admonition. Sometimes people are not what they seem to be, online . . . when they're specifically trying to convey a certain image / personna.
I learn a lot about people by reading their posts; not just the posts in threads where we both participate; but sometimes, for various reasons, I will research a person's post history (I've done this both with men and women). Sometimes I do it because I'm trying to gain a better understanding of their perspective in a specific thread (and reading their posts in other threads actually helps paint a more complete picture). Sometimes I do it because I'm very interested in what they have to say; regardless of the topic. Sometimes I do it because something just doesn't seem right.
However, I'm not actively trying (nor, hoping) to be in a "non-platonic relationship"; and over the years, I have learned a lot about online communication . . . and, because of the combination of those two, I am very particular about who I have private conversations with - whether via PMs, IMs, emails or phone calls.
edited: Added to the first sentence, for clarity.
< Message edited by WhiteRoseBlessings -- 11/15/2008 1:13:59 PM >
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RE: I Didn't Mean To Lead You On - 11/15/2008 1:15:47 PM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
Posts: 23494
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I will also reiterate what I said earlier, as it very much applies to any type of online communications:
quote:
Our Lord's Wisdom and Guidance will never lead a person wrong. Always seek those two things in any situation; and always cover any situation in prayer.
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RE: I Didn't Mean To Lead You On - 11/15/2008 1:23:16 PM
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benelchi
Posts: 3636
Joined: 9/14/2007
From: California
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quote:
ORIGINAL: WhiteRoseBlessings
I learn a lot about people by reading their posts; not just the posts in threads where we both participate; but sometimes, for various reasons, I will research a person's post history (I've done this both with men and women). Sometimes I do it because I'm trying to gain a better understanding of their perspective in a specific thread (and reading their posts in other threads actually helps paint a more complete picture). Sometimes I do it because I'm very interested in what they have to say; regardless of the topic. Sometimes I do it because something just doesn't seem right.
Uh, Oh, should I be worried?
** although I will admit that I have done the same on occasion ** 
quote:
However, I'm not actively trying (nor, hoping) to be in a "non-platonic relationship"; and over the years, I have learned a lot about online communication . . . and, because of the combination of those two, I am very particular about who I have private conversations with - whether via PMs, IMs, emails or phone calls.
Being very clear in communicating your intentions is a must, and sometimes even repeating your intentions again is required. Some people just don't get it the first time.
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RE: I Didn't Mean To Lead You On - 11/15/2008 1:29:40 PM
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humbleinspirit
Posts: 17768
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: Just Outside of Boston
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Are the women you're IMing with constantly talking and/or posting in threads about wanting to get married or be in a relationship with a man? Then chances are, you may be a "prospect" in their eyes. (Or not. Again, it depends on the individual woman).
Not usually.
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If you are not interested in a specific woman, but you have frequent communication with her, you owe it to her and to yourself to be straightforward honest. Otherwise, you're playing a very emotionally dangerous game.
Note taken.
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1) Converse all you like! Just remember to keep the conversation Godly and platonic.
I have been doing that.
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3)In a later post you mention having gone to visit them. If you go to visit someone you've met online you are basically telling them you are interested in pursuing an interest in them romantically. Period. There is no gray area here in my opinion.
In the past I have visited women, and yes I was interested as well.
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think you have some valid questions, and based upon some other threads you have started and other questions you have asked, I think you want to be careful that women are not forming some kind of bond with you in their minds that you are not intending them to form. The bottom line is that you need to be you. If you are interested in a woman, you need to convey that. If they are assuming there is something more to the relationship because you are kind to them, they are jumping to conclusions and making assumptions that are improper. However, you are wise to want to know what these things are because perhaps women think there is more to a friendship with you than you have intended ... I think our society conditions people to be in relationships. There is a lot of pressure to have a boyfriend or girlfriend. There is an expectation for people to pair up and get married. I think it's sad.
I've said it before and I'll say it again (and again and again ... ), the number one rule in any relationship, platonic or romantic, is:
Communication. Communication. Communication.
Thanks Sam for your comments, your postings always have good insights!
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ORIGINAL: SamsonUSA
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ORIGINAL: humbleinspirit
I do not think I am constantly being misunderstood, but I just wonder if you chat with someone on Instant Messenger for example if that constitutes interest?
Chatting constitutes an interest, but not necessarily a romantic one. I'm assuming your speaking about chatting with Christian women of course, so two tidbits to consider.
1) Though the women may be the enemy ( just kidding ladies!) they are precious sisters in Christ. I've chatted with a few brothers here concerning various topics. Obviously not interested in pursuing a romantic interest in them  Why must one then feel the only reason we would chat with a sister would be due to a romantic interest?
I have had interest with the women who I chat with online, but not necessarily a romantic one at all though.
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2) Most importantly ask God to reveal the intentions of her heart to you! You have asked a few questions concerning signs and clues women give off to show an interest. Ask the Holy Spirit to give you the answers you seek. By doing this you'll know where you should go with this friendship.
Good advice, I will pray in general about this.
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And one last take on this. I personally wouldn't share photos with anyone you are chatting with as friends. That gives the flesh an opening to intercede and gives you reason to wonder down the line if the friendship turns romantic if she is interested in you and what is in your heart or if she was just attracted to your looks and physical presence.
Hmmm, never really thought about that one at all.
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RE: I Didn't Mean To Lead You On - 11/15/2008 1:40:31 PM
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SamsonUSA
Posts: 1055
Joined: 10/5/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: BugLady
quote:
Lets be careful here though. I once drove 45 miles to meet someone that had PM'd me asking for workout advice from a different Christian forum than CW. After putting together and emailing her a workout program she was having difficulty understanding how to do it from written instruction so I went down to to meet her one day just to help her out. It was a 45 minute instruction in a crowded gym with no other interaction at all. Very businesslike but cordial. She didn't have my home address but I started receiving flowers and cards from her at my gym. That was creepy so be careful friends.
Maybe it's just me, but I would have seen this as a yellow flag. She couldn't understand the written instruction? Not too bright, eh? To me, that sounds merely like an excuse to get you to meet with her. And that would mean she was being manipulative. If that's the case, it wouldn't matter how businesslike you kept it. She likely had her agenda already.
Your probably right though she didn't convey anything like that during our online correspondence. Also for someone who has never worked with a personal trainer before the verbiage isn't always easy to understand. I've been doing this for a living for a long time and people will come up to me in person with their trainers written instructions and often times I'll no idea what exercises their trainers were trying to describe.
_____________________________
Knowledge humbles great men, astonishes the common man, and puffs up the little man
Chubby babies rock!
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RE: I Didn't Mean To Lead You On - 11/15/2008 1:50:35 PM
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humbleinspirit
Posts: 17768
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: Just Outside of Boston
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Now I think I would have seen that as a yellow flag as well.
As far as chatting with women I believe that I do know what constitutes romantic interest, however I am not always sure though.
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RE: I Didn't Mean To Lead You On - 11/15/2008 7:27:10 PM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 3273
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SamsonUSA
quote:
ORIGINAL: Focusing
quote:
ORIGINAL: BugLady
quote:
If you go to visit someone you've met online you are basically telling them you are interested in pursuing an interest in them romantically. Period. There is no gray area here in my opinion.
Really? I disagree. I wouldn't think it communicated that at all. How could a person possibly know they are romantically interested in someone prior to even meeting them?
It could or could not mean a romantic interest ... it all depends upon the type of communication that has occured between the two of you to that point, and the discussion of the intent of the visit. 
Lets be careful here though. I once drove 45 miles to meet someone that had PM'd me asking for workout advice from a different Christian forum than CW. After putting together and emailing her a workout program she was having difficulty understanding how to do it from written instruction so I went down to to meet her one day just to help her out. It was a 45 minute instruction in a crowded gym with no other interaction at all. Very businesslike but cordial. She didn't have my home address but I started receiving flowers and cards from her at my gym. That was creepy so be careful friends.
Now, now, be honest, Samson  . Were you somehow interested in her prior to meeting her? LOL.
I'm always surprised at how much information people give away online, or through PMs. I don't know if I'll ever feel comfortable even giving my number to anyone in person, but to a complete strangers online. It buffles me. However, I've been known to send out stuff to members that i know is struggling, but I delete all their information right after.
As for visiting poeple that you're not interested in? I've done it. But it's visiting a male friend who lived 6 hours away for the weekend. It wasn't romantic. It was for strictly for friendship and we had known each other in person before. I love driving and I'm adventurous and I like spending weekends away from hom. I should be a long distance trucker, lol. . But no, visiting an opposite sex who lives a few hundred miles isn't an expression of interest. But then, I guess I'm one of those women who had been often misunderstood.
I agree with whoever said communication, communication, communication. Always view the other person with respect and let it be evident in how you communicate with them.
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Wishing for a Steelers/Eagles superbowl.
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RE: I Didn't Mean To Lead You On - 11/15/2008 11:55:50 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8028
Joined: 9/5/2006
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ShallbeRebuilt
As far as dating goes I think that guys can communicate something they don't mean unintentionally. If you "ask" a lady out...say, suggest that you have lunch or coffee or whatever, and out of kindness you pick her up at her door, pay for her meal or coffee, and drop her off after some good conversation, you may have communicated to her that you have an interest in more than friendship. The reason is that all those actions are culturally programmed into us that they mean "I like you more than friendship".
How do you fix that? Well, you do the same things ladies do when they go out together as friends. In general they agree to meet somewhere rather than one picking the other up, and they go dutch.
Here's a problem. Even if I'm just going out with a lady as friends only, I drive, I pick up and I pay. Some rules are not to be broken.
So, should that situation ever arise, I have to be extremely clear that we are friends only. (And since I don't really believe in going out just as friends anyway for multiple reasons, this situation is not likely to occur)
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Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: I Didn't Mean To Lead You On - 11/15/2008 11:58:00 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8028
Joined: 9/5/2006
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quote:
ORIGINAL: BugLady
quote:
If you go to visit someone you've met online you are basically telling them you are interested in pursuing an interest in them romantically. Period. There is no gray area here in my opinion.
Really? I disagree. I wouldn't think it communicated that at all. How could a person possibly know they are romantically interested in someone prior to even meeting them?
But then why would anyone travel so far to see someone of the opposite sex if they weren't interested? I think it would be best to error on the side of caution and not go unless you're interested (or very up front about it)
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Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: I Didn't Mean To Lead You On - 11/16/2008 12:01:32 AM
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humbleinspirit
Posts: 17768
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: Just Outside of Boston
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Well, I know from my point of view, it gives me a reason not to visit a destination alone. I am more apt to travel someplace if I know there is someone to keep me company. This is one of the reasons why I went to Chicago a couple of times last year.
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RE: I Didn't Mean To Lead You On - 11/16/2008 12:05:49 AM
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John_O
Posts: 8028
Joined: 9/5/2006
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quote:
ORIGINAL: BugLady
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(or very up front about it)
And this is where communication, communication, communication comes in. It's really not that difficult.
But it's also very heavily dependant on the people involved. If some lady came to visit me (other than as a group like a GT) I would assume she was interested no matter what she said. Why would anyone travel to meet a person they are not interested in? It's beyond my comprehension as I do not think that way.
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Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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