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losgan -> RE: Broken hearts and broken dreams....... (9/21/2008 10:20:45 AM)
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How painful was it
The best way I can describe how I felt after being betrayed and attacked by someone I loved, and whom I thought loved me, was as if someone had died. Perhaps worse, because when my grandmother passed away last year, I was sad - but felt a certain sense of joy for her, knowing her earthly body trapped her beautiful spirit no more. It was a dream dying, part of myself dying, the person I thought I knew (but who had never existed) dying, it was as if hope itself died (and for a time, my hope was dead).
How did you deal with it?
At first - I just survived. I went through the routine of the every day. I breathed in and out. I ate. I slept. And slowly, I coaxed my "self" back out of whatever hiding place deep down inside she had retreated to. It took a while. But now, she knows that God is her protector, and that as long as she is drawing her strength from Him - there is no need to hide. Sometimes it is tempting though.
What did you learn from it?
To assume nothing. That to forgive doesn't always mean to forget, to become naive. That God will protect the innocent, but that He will also open your eyes to what you need to see if only you ask Him. That doubting He can do better is the worst thing I can do. To always expect miracles.
What verses can you give to one dealing with a the pain of having his/her heart broken heart due to failure in relationships.
I think the best little summary is one a friend sent me when I was having an especially rough day. Sometimes I have to repeat it to myself until I believe it, but when I do it comes ... God loves me, and there is no greater love than His. God says I am lovely, so I am. God says I have worth, so I do. I don't need an earthly relationship to make me any of those things. And to be honest - if someone is without God, they can't love me with God's love - and I don't want anything less.
My thoughts tell me to give up.
God's Word tells me to be committed. Matthew 5:33-37
My thoughts tell me "I need it now!"
God's Word tells me to exercise self-control. Galatians 5:23
My thoughts tell me I deserve to come first, be selfish.
God's Word tells me to have humility and put others first. Philippians 2:3-4
My thoughts tell to get mad and hold a grudge.
God's Word says forgive as many times as it takes. Matthew 18:21-22
My thoughts tell me to seek revenge.
God's Word tells me to be a peacemaker. Romans 12:18-19
My thoughts tell me take all the credit.
God's Word tells me to glorify Jesus Christ. John 17:5
My thoughts tell me I need to look good on the outside and no one will notice the ugly inside.
God's Word tells me to be pure on the inside and the outside won't even matter. Proverbs 31:30
My thoughts tell me I'm ugly. God's Word tells me I'm wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14
My thoughts tell me I'm all alone and no one understands me. God's Word tells me He will never leave me He knows the plans He has for me. Deuteronomy 31:6, Jeremiah 29:11
My thoughts tell me that I'm just not good enough. God's Word tells me that I'm His gift to the world and that I was created in His image. Psalm 127:3, Genesis 1:26
How did God comfort you?
Honestly, there were times I didn't feel like He was. I went through a bitter time when I wallowed in my grief and "what ifs." But when I turned my face to God, He told me He'd been waiting for me. Sometimes when I most need it, His love engulfs me in an almost physical sense of being held and protected. And I find peace and rest. And then He gently nudges me back out of the nest - and when I am in His will, serving and working and praying and praising - I am comforted and overflowing with joy.
What fruits were produced due to this brokenness?
I wouldn't be who I am today. It is cliche, but "that which doesn't kill me makes me stronger." From the ashes of brokenness I rise armed with God's word, with a rich prayer life, with a dependence upon the One who can do ALL THINGS. The most valuable thing I've learned is that I_can't_do_this_myself. And I don't have to! Even when I'm alone I am not.
And how were you able to use this new knowledge and growth into the next relationship?
That remains to be seen. I think the God centeredness of my life is the most important thing. I will not enter into another relationship without Him.
How long did it take for you before you can view the whole experince in a positive light...and even thankful that it happened?
I think the positive feelings come and go - but I was thankful almost immediately. It wasn't easy by any means. I had been in such a brokenhearted place for so long before things "ended" that I had forgotten what else there was. But shortly I found my smile again, I took the opportunity to figure out who "I" am. To strengthen my relationship with God. I don't know if I'd be in the "God first" place I am right now if I hadn't been through what I was. I also think it makes me a more compassionate and understanding person.
How many boxes of Kleenex and tubs of ice cream did you have?
Actually - I LOST weight, in a good way. The stress of the broken relationship had cause me to balloon to nearly 200 lbs (which only made the relationship more stressful, since my weight was one of the things he was always on my case about). Kleenex - I did most of my crying in the shower. I did a lot of the crying while I was still with him. I would cry so gut-wrenchingly that I was vomiting almost daily.
But I sometimes still have a flashback or a rough day and have to have a nice, long, hot bath to comfort me back to normal.
And for those athletic ones--how many miles did you run before you got over it?
I don't know that I'll ever be "over it." In some way, it is part of who I am now. It colors the way I look at things, and in general I think that makes me a better person. It is like a slow-healing wound. It gets better, but I imagine if one looks closely there will always be a scar. Right now it is like God has asked me to rip off that final bandaid, and I am so afraid that it is going to be sore and tender. Like a pulled muscle - it is healed, but I'm afraid to use it lest it hurt again.
But God says He did not give us a spirit of fear! So like David, I tell God that I am willing to do ANYTHING He asks. Even this. I will trust that remaining open to His will, He will not lead me back into a valley of destruction without His protection.
Slowly but surely, I'm running toward God rather than running away from pain. And while some see me as a person with a "D" stamped on my forehead, I know that God does not. He sees a child who is precious to Him, that He made, and I know that it bring Him joy when I come running to Him.
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