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RE: Sister With Anger Problem - 9/15/2008 10:23:19 PM
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delete123
Posts: 937
Joined: 6/1/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Hislittleone
The main point of my post was in seeking advice for my husband and myself in this situation. Whether T is sinning or has a mental disease it doesn't change the facts as they are:
1) She won't seek professional help in getting a diagnosis.
2) May or may not agree to go to counseling again.
3) Mom and Dad don't want to do anything about the situation (I'll suggest that we go to a counselor for advice but really don't think that will do any good.)
4) My husband and I are extemely uncomfortable leaving things as they are but don't really know what to do.
So my questions are... Should we send her an email, call and talk to her or just do nothing at all (as we've all been doing for years)? Should we just ignore the proverbial elephant in the room? Should we only address the issue when she blows up at us? Meaning should we do nothing and wait until she erupts in anger and then say something like "Please control your anger"? The only downside to that is that T will never get help and we are still exposed (our children included) to her anger?
Also, T has noticed me pulling away over the last couple of years by not calling/emailing hardly ever. She has voiced her displeasure to others (my husband included) but never directly to me. I have never told her that the reason I don't talk to her is because of her anger problem. Do I need to let her know that it's what's causing disruptions in our relationship?
Thanks again for the input. 
Little One~
My mother had an anger problem and growing up wit her was difficult at best. Anyhow as I got older, no one knew who her target would be.
I had read in a book (I am sorry I don't remember the name it had some great advice in it) it said to diffuse yourself from the situation.
An example I can give is:
one year at christmas eve when everyone was gathered at her house. She decided when I got their to lock herself in her bedroom and everyone begged her to come out. I told them to let her be, because I knew it was my turn, by her actions.
So everyone was in the living room when she decided to show her face and went into this horrible tantrum. Screaming, yelling, and cussing. Calling me all kind of things, as hard as it was ( and trying not to show my emotions or tears.)It was like a sprint commercial you could hear a pin drop, as no one even murmured a word. I calmly looked at my then husband and said, "Okay it's time for us to go!" I stood up and wished well upon everyone and walked out the door.
When you do this, you must follow through with boundaries. Even to this day I have boundaries with my mother as she has not changed even with her failing health.
When a person that is angry refuses help, it's like any other thing a person goes through, you can't do it for them, they have to want the change.
And with your mother being a pacifier (so to speak) it is unlikely you will see any immediate change.
The best thing you can do is change how you will in the future handle her outbursts. If she continues especially where children are involved, I would politely decline any family functions that she will participate in.
I would not subject my husband or child to this behavior, eventhough she is your sister, Your husband and child comes before her.
I hope I don't sound mean, but it is the truth
CRH
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RE: Sister With Anger Problem - 9/16/2008 11:07:52 AM
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Kat_D
Posts: 3112
Joined: 9/2/2005
From: Where We Shake, Rattle & Roll!
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Hislittleone
Sorry I haven't responded sooner. I really appreciate all the great advice from everyone.
Kat and Deermousie, I agree with what you both are saying. My greatest concern is that we will be going against my parent's wishes if we speak with T about these issues. And if we refuse to attend gatherings where she is present then we may be spending some holidays by ourselves, without family. We aren't the type of family to quit talking to one another for any reason. My mom always taught us to stick by family no matter what. Of course, going to the extreme in that line of thinking can sometimes be just as harmful as cutting of contact prematurely without good cause. Not that we don't have good cause in this situation but I really don't want it to come to that.
As it stands right now, my mother is considering talking to T and asking her to go back to counseling. The only bad thing about that is my mother isn't very firm with T. Well, she can be sometimes but she doesn't set up clear boundaries and allows T to really disrespect her. So I really don't know how much good will be accomplished if it's left up to my mom.
Well, then it is apparent that you and your family will continue like this until one or all of you reaches your rock bottom. If that doesn't happen soon, I fear that the family may be irreparably damaged in the process.
Regarding your statement that your Mother has always taught you to stick by family no matter what...Enabling one member of the family to destroy the rest of the family while you all do nothing for the sake of unity is a big price to pay. Confronting and helping a dysfunctional family member realize the error of her ways and assisting her in getting better and becoming all that God meant her to be would truly fulfill the definition of "sticking by" that family member.
_____________________________
~Kat
"...And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes...no more death, sorrow, nor crying."
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RE: Sister With Anger Problem - 9/16/2008 6:59:19 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1859
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Kat_D
Well, then it is apparent that you and your family will continue like this until one or all of you reaches your rock bottom. If that doesn't happen soon, I fear that the family may be irreparably damaged in the process.
Regarding your statement that your Mother has always taught you to stick by family no matter what...Enabling one member of the family to destroy the rest of the family while you all do nothing for the sake of unity is a big price to pay. Confronting and helping a dysfunctional family member realize the error of her ways and assisting her in getting better and becoming all that God meant her to be would truly fulfill the definition of "sticking by" that family member.
This is right on. Well said, Kat.
This *is* the logical outcome of pampering a person who is destroying their family relationships. Your mom loves your sister and doesn't realize that her kindness is allowing the situation to get worse, not better. God says to deal with the sinner (Gal. 6:1). This will be difficult for your mom, and she may need one of her kids to take the lead. Talk to her so she understands she doesn't have to feel guilty for getting tough. It might not help, but it's worth a try.
I'm praying for you; what a tough thing to deal with (I have one of those in my family. It's complicated in that this person is violent. Not fun, but God is faithful). (((Hugs)))
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: Sister With Anger Problem - 9/18/2008 9:34:45 PM
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Chrystal-J-007
Posts: 610
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Detroit
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SuccessinTruth
Anger is a sin and it's a choice. Yes, all of us Christians have out sin issues to deal with, so hopefully, we're praying, asking for forgiveness and the Lord's help. But with all of your comments, she's refusing to deal with this at all, although we can't know how she deals with it in her heart. I would definitely pray for her, and your mother. But your mother has to understand that she's not doing your sister any favors by tolerating this. Someday, she might lose her temper with the wrong person and Mom won't be able to help her.
In the meantime you've got to stop playing her game. At the very least, have everyone ignore her when she has an outburst. If she's going to act like a child, treat her like one.
I agree with this post. Anger's a choice. I have a sister who used to scream and yell when she didn't get her way--extremely hostile. I couldn't take it anymore. For my own mental health, I had to stay away from her. I haven't spoken to her in years. Through the family grapevine I've hear she's still out there screaming and making demands. She treated her husband so badly, he finally left. It's just awful.
I also agree with the above post in that prayer is the only answer for some people with anger issues.
I hope things work out for you!
_____________________________
Worry looks around, Sorrow looks back, Faith looks up
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese...timing is everything!
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RE: Sister With Anger Problem - 10/3/2008 1:58:16 PM
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agapetos
Posts: 5389
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: This side of the lil duck pond!
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I would stick to your guns. Temper tantrums are not acceptable. If she has a problem with something, she needs to talk about it ~ ie voice her opinion and listen to the other opinion too. There are times that people do lose their temper, but this should be an exception rather than the norm.
I still would suggest you look into therapy for yourself and your husband and anyone else in your family who would go to talk about how you can help your sister as much as you can until she realises she needs therapy ~ or at the very least, to change.
quote:
I'm just at a loss. My mother came over last night and berated me for taking a stand against T's bad behavior. She believes it's unforgiving and unloving of me to say that if T doesn't control her temper around us then I can't be around her and neither can my children. Somehow I'm the bad guy in all of this. At least that's how I feel right now. This is going to sound harsh ~ but I'm thinking that up until now your mother has been able to cope because she's not been the only target to your sister's anger. As more people in the family cut your sister off, your mother will become more isolated. This could actually be a good thing in that it could push your mother to get some help herself.
I would maintain your position, that she (your mother) is welcome to visit with you whenever, without your sister, if you're happy to see her. Even if she chooses not to, it'd be worth you keeping in touch (email and phone) as much as you can.
_____________________________
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not using them in fruit salads!
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RE: Sister With Anger Problem - 10/3/2008 2:05:03 PM
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delete123
Posts: 937
Joined: 6/1/2005
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quote:
I'm just at a loss. My mother came over last night and berated me for taking a stand against T's bad behavior. She believes it's unforgiving and unloving of me to say that if T doesn't control her temper around us then I can't be around her and neither can my children. Somehow I'm the bad guy in all of this. At least that's how I feel right now. 
I'd really appreciate some advice right now. I know that it's important to look beyond our feelings when faced with making decisions like this. I'm just so hurt and angry and sad that I'm having a hard time seeing clearly.
((((HisLittleOne))))~
I am sooo sorry you are having to deal with this. I am going to tell you honestly, your mother is wrong and is again trying to control and manipulate your behavior!
This is so unfortunate that she is using your faith (with word of unforgiving and unloving) as a way to get you to back off!
My mother use to throw the word forgiveness around alot or I would get, "What kind of Christian are you?'
You and your husband and children really need to separate from your intermediate family for a while as hard as you want a relationship with them, it just doesn't seem possible at this time.
You need to redirect the energy you have been using towards this situation in a different way. I would also limit any phone contact as well.
I believe in time God will allow for restoration, but I honestly think there is too much strife and finger pointing right now.
Take some breathing space, get your own family back in harmony (do something fun with your husband and kids) and just enjoy this relationship for now. Trust in Him to work on this while you spend time with things and people you can have a fulfilling time with.
I will pray for you
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RE: Sister With Anger Problem - 10/3/2008 4:37:43 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1859
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL:
My mother use to throw the word forgiveness around alot or I would get, "What kind of Christian are you?'
This kind of Christian (from God's own lips):
Make no friendship with an angry man,
And with a furious man do not go,
Lest you learn his ways
And set a snare for your soul. Proverbs 22:24, 25
An angry man stirs up strife, And a furious man abounds in transgression. Proverbs 29:22
God equates anger with sin.
Psalm 37:8
Cease from anger, and forsake wrath;Do not fret—it only causes harm.
A wrathful man stirs up strife, But he who is slow to anger allays contention. Proverbs 15:18
He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, And he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city. Proverbs 16:32
The discretion of a man makes him slow to anger
Proverbs 19:11
Do not hasten in your spirit to be angry, For anger rests in the bosom of fools. Ecclesiastes 7:9
And here's the kicker:
Better to dwell in the wilderness, Than with a contentious and angry woman. Proverbs 21:19
Let's look at the problems here:
1) your sister is an out-of-control screamer/curser/family disturber
2) you point out your sister has an anger problem
For your mom to say you are the problem is absurd. But people are like that. If you walked into your mother's house and started screaming and complaining and running people down like your sister does, your mother would censor you. So ignoring T's outbursts is the price she is willing to pay to stay in relationship with your sister (because if she censored your sister, your sister wouldn't put up with it and yell louder or leave), and accusing you of being unforgiving is the price she pays to keep you in relationship with her. She's desperately trying to keep her family together when your sister is trying to tear it apart, and she's willing to sacrifice your comfort, your emotional health, your kids' comfort and emotional health, and accuse you of sin, to keep the family going. This is wrong. Your mother is lying about what you are - I don't see that you have sinned. Kat_D nailed it the first time - the result of all this can only be your sister destroys your family togetherness, and your mom is left with family who aren't in relationship anymore. And the sister is no better.
Your sister is saying, when confronted, that she has so many problems that she can't deal with this right now. That's like a drowning person saying they don't have time to deal with water right now. And her problems don't give her the moral high ground to be the moral low ground and hurt others. She doesn't get a pass on being civilized because life isn't perfect for her - no one's life is perfect. She doesn't get special priviledges to hurt other people because she's having a bad day.
T's unchecked sin nature and your mother's enabling of it has created a monster. Personally, I'd tell mom you aren't going to any family functions if T is there because it's too hard on you and especially the kids. If T shows up, you're leaving, and you'll skip the next function as well. Then pray for your sinning sister and your weak mother. And give her the verses above and ask her what God thinks of T's behavior (and what is mom going to do about it? And about the fact that the family is starting to break up. And if your mom says "you're sinning" be ready - because you know what she will say - and have an answer ready from Scripture).
God can save people, and saved people make healthy families. It's a spiritual battle, so pray like crazy and do what is right. And raise your own kids to do what God would have them do in grace and strength.
I'm sorry, dear one; this is so hard because we need our families around us, and sometimes they implode and we can't stop it from happening. Trust God and let Him lead; He promises no good will He withold from those who walk uprightly. Ps. 84:11 (((Hugs))) I'm praying for you right now.
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: Sister With Anger Problem - 10/3/2008 6:45:27 PM
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Sadey
Posts: 539
Joined: 7/25/2007
Status: offline
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Your husband must be a very very special man, to have handled this the way he has. And I think he has great taste in picking a wife. I hope you find some peace in this situation.
< Message edited by Sadey -- 10/3/2008 11:21:21 PM >
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RE: Sister With Anger Problem - 10/4/2008 9:49:54 AM
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abc06
Posts: 2
Joined: 1/20/2006
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Hislittleone
Just had new development to occur in this situation. My husband and I decided that it would be best for him to speak with T since the last time she blew up directly at him. He's also much more calm and Christlike in his behavior in such situations than I woud probably be. 
So after much prayer, my husband talked to T this morning. (We are planning a surprise trip today to visit my other sister who lives in the same town as T.) She basically said that we should overlook her faults just like her other friends do. She justified her temper tantrums and basically said to "just deal with it". He let her know that the reason I don't reach out to her (stay in touch) is because of her temper. She then proceeeded to attack me. Of course my husband defended me but it still hurts. She brought up minor incidents that occurred many months ago, showing great bitterness and resentment. My husband apologized for what it was that he'd said that hurt her feelings so long ago (at the time he didn't realize it but was somewhat insensitive in something he said). My sister is so filled with bitterness, anger and resentment at so many people that it's just eating her alive. It's sad and frustrating at the same time. So in response to my dh telling her that her temper is causing a break in our relationship she said that she has stuff going on in her life now and just can't deal with people who are having problems with her right now.
So now I am trying to decide whether or not I want to see her when we go on our trip. We've discussed caneling the trip altogether. My dh extended an invitation to her to get together when we come to town and is supposed to call her back about it this afternoon. He felt that the conversation ended on a good note. It wasn't because T took responsibility or seemed to care about what we were saying but is due to a gut feeling. He believes we should go on the trip and visit with T, giving her another chance.
I'm just at a loss. My mother came over last night and berated me for taking a stand against T's bad behavior. She believes it's unforgiving and unloving of me to say that if T doesn't control her temper around us then I can't be around her and neither can my children. Somehow I'm the bad guy in all of this. At least that's how I feel right now.
I'd really appreciate some advice right now. I know that it's important to look beyond our feelings when faced with making decisions like this. I'm just so hurt and angry and sad that I'm having a hard time seeing clearly.
quote:
And there must be some unwritten law that we have to have them at every family gathering and we must'nt ever call them on their behavior. Its okay if the whole time is centered around them and worrying when are they going to blow. Of course angry people use their anger to control everyone else.
quote:
your mother is wrong and is again trying to control and manipulate your behavior!
This is so unfortunate that she is using your faith (with word of unforgiving and unloving) as a way to get you to back off!
My mother use to throw the word forgiveness around alot or I would get, "What kind of Christian are you?'
You and your husband and children really need to separate from your intermediate family for a while as hard as you want a relationship with them, it just doesn't seem possible at this time.
You need to redirect the energy you have been using towards this situation in a different way. I would also limit any phone contact as well.
Hi Hislittleone,
I empathise with your position. I have a sister who was very difficult when we were growing up, she has now changed very much but there was still a lot of jealousy there. I wrote to her last year about her jealousy towards me. She somehow found it a hard pill to swallow and a bit of pride set in, because she is not used to be confronted in a loving way as I had done it, but her new self prevailed and she decided to swallow the hard pill and change. We went on holiday together this year and I could see how she is trying to change in that respect even though there were still problems in other areas. The only one who could not stomach it at all was my mother, who gave me the silent treatment for one week, became overly friendly the next when her silent treatment got ignored and then decided to confont me the third week when her over friendly ways got no response. I really had a fit of rage with her, I dragged the whole matter as much as I could (as I know my mum could be stubborn in her ways so I was ready to fight to the finish, I was in counselling at the time for all my childhood emotional abuse, so I was getting emotional support to help me fight the fight, I won't reccommend this to anyone else unless your mum is exactly like mine). Now my mum has resolved to be patronising, and I have told her I will walk away from her if I get no peace from relating to her - I have done that in a few respect, I moved away, she really does not know where I live now.
I think there may be some answer for you in delete123's reply. Your sister's anger may be rooted in some past things with your mother (or both parents), maybe not necessarily for things they have done, and maybe your mother is afraid to confront it for a complex mixture of reasons, which may include guilt and these sort of situations, if not addressed gets compounded as your sister would have gotten hurt the more over the years. At the end of the day she is responsible to find solution to her own problems and whatever abuse she has suffered in the past and you are responsible for your own peace of mind and happiness (one of the things I learnt in Counselling).
A lot of us have had rough deals in life and anger is of God, it is part of our legitimate emotions given by God, uncontrolled anger is not of God, as the Bible says we should be self controlled and we should be angry and sin not. However getting to the stage of being able to act rightly comes with maturity - childhood abuse rubs us of ability to mature until we seek God for healing from them - I agree with georgerobbyjr on this point. From my own experience, I would say treat all your family members with grace as it was lack of grace that brough the situation in the first instance and you will not resolve it without grace, but do not give in to any form of emotional abuse - I have just finished reading a book by Paul Hegstrom Broken Children, Grown-Up Pain, you may find it helpful. Contrary to some opinion, I believe psychology is there to help just as medicine is, but ultimately it is God that heals.
God bless
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RE: Sister With Anger Problem - 10/6/2008 2:03:21 PM
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Hislittleone
Posts: 625
Joined: 7/13/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: deermousie
quote:
ORIGINAL:
My mother use to throw the word forgiveness around alot or I would get, "What kind of Christian are you?'
This kind of Christian (from God's own lips):
Make no friendship with an angry man,
And with a furious man do not go,
Lest you learn his ways
And set a snare for your soul. Proverbs 22:24, 25
An angry man stirs up strife, And a furious man abounds in transgression. Proverbs 29:22
God equates anger with sin.
Psalm 37:8
Cease from anger, and forsake wrath;Do not fret—it only causes harm.
A wrathful man stirs up strife, But he who is slow to anger allays contention. Proverbs 15:18
He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, And he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city. Proverbs 16:32
The discretion of a man makes him slow to anger
Proverbs 19:11
Do not hasten in your spirit to be angry, For anger rests in the bosom of fools. Ecclesiastes 7:9
And here's the kicker:
Better to dwell in the wilderness, Than with a contentious and angry woman. Proverbs 21:19
Let's look at the problems here:
1) your sister is an out-of-control screamer/curser/family disturber
2) you point out your sister has an anger problem
For your mom to say you are the problem is absurd. But people are like that. If you walked into your mother's house and started screaming and complaining and running people down like your sister does, your mother would censor you. So ignoring T's outbursts is the price she is willing to pay to stay in relationship with your sister (because if she censored your sister, your sister wouldn't put up with it and yell louder or leave), and accusing you of being unforgiving is the price she pays to keep you in relationship with her. She's desperately trying to keep her family together when your sister is trying to tear it apart, and she's willing to sacrifice your comfort, your emotional health, your kids' comfort and emotional health, and accuse you of sin, to keep the family going. This is wrong. Your mother is lying about what you are - I don't see that you have sinned. Kat_D nailed it the first time - the result of all this can only be your sister destroys your family togetherness, and your mom is left with family who aren't in relationship anymore. And the sister is no better.
Your sister is saying, when confronted, that she has so many problems that she can't deal with this right now. That's like a drowning person saying they don't have time to deal with water right now. And her problems don't give her the moral high ground to be the moral low ground and hurt others. She doesn't get a pass on being civilized because life isn't perfect for her - no one's life is perfect. She doesn't get special priviledges to hurt other people because she's having a bad day.
T's unchecked sin nature and your mother's enabling of it has created a monster. Personally, I'd tell mom you aren't going to any family functions if T is there because it's too hard on you and especially the kids. If T shows up, you're leaving, and you'll skip the next function as well. Then pray for your sinning sister and your weak mother. And give her the verses above and ask her what God thinks of T's behavior (and what is mom going to do about it? And about the fact that the family is starting to break up. And if your mom says "you're sinning" be ready - because you know what she will say - and have an answer ready from Scripture).
God can save people, and saved people make healthy families. It's a spiritual battle, so pray like crazy and do what is right. And raise your own kids to do what God would have them do in grace and strength.
I'm sorry, dear one; this is so hard because we need our families around us, and sometimes they implode and we can't stop it from happening. Trust God and let Him lead; He promises no good will He withold from those who walk uprightly. Ps. 84:11 (((Hugs))) I'm praying for you right now.
Deermousie, I'd really like to discuss this further with you. I'm really torn right now wondering if we really did the right thing. My family doesn't believe in cutting off contact with each other no matter what. Even if a family member has done something very harmful that is illegal more than once. Family is family, period. I don't believe taking it to that extreme is right but am confused about whether or not it's really ok to refuse to be around or talk to my sister.
I'll be able to read tonight but don't know if I'll have the time or energy to post. But I'll definitely be back on tomorow.
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RE: Sister With Anger Problem - 10/6/2008 4:38:39 PM
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stateofgrace
Posts: 1992
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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My MIL is like this, and it has intensified in recent years. In fact, I was the target of her anger recently and it was really difficult to deal with. I honestly believe she is suffering from depression (my FIL has Alzheimer's and MIL is very stressed about it).
But I think part of this is also learned behaviors. She doesn't communicate forthrightly and honestly, and what should be little frustrations build up.
For example, if she wants help with something, she doesn't ask; or she may even tell people to sit down and relax, but what she really wants is help. And then she blows up. Or if something that the children do bothers her (the kids are mostly teens now, not little), her anger will be far greater than the infraction calls for.
She's unlikely to be motivated to change at this point in life, so I'm just considering ways to minimize the stress while we're there, and also minimize our exposure.
_____________________________
America Needs Revival. Will you commit to pray for it?
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RE: Sister With Anger Problem - 10/6/2008 5:52:57 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1859
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Hislittleone
Deermousie, I'd really like to discuss this further with you. I'm really torn right now wondering if we really did the right thing. My family doesn't believe in cutting off contact with each other no matter what. Even if a family member has done something very harmful that is illegal more than once. Family is family, period. I don't believe taking it to that extreme is right but am confused about whether or not it's really ok to refuse to be around or talk to my sister.
I'll be able to read tonight but don't know if I'll have the time or energy to post. But I'll definitely be back on tomorow.
Hislittleone, this is tearing my guts out, too, and I'm not even there. Let me be my usual blunt self here, OK? Your sister T is emotionally blackmailing the whole family. It is wrong.
It's like this: "If I don't get my own way, I will choose to throw a hissy fit, and it's your fault and you have to do what I want to make it up."
Baloney.
She doesn't get to set what is reality. What's in your Bible is reality, and it doesn't have to out-shout her to be true. Your sister has instigated a knock-down drag-out fight in your family: "I'll yell and curse and accuse if I don't get my own way." It isn't working - look at what it's already done in your family. You're ready to leave. She can't keep a job or a husband. Her life is in major fail mode. You can't fix it by giving in; you can't fix it at all. She has to confess, repent, and learn to live God's way.
You are being made responsible for the actions of a person who is a twirling family disruptor. It's her choice, it's her actions, it's her fault. It's like a gorilla gets loose from the zoo and is tearing the place apart, and some by-stander is being told,"Don't let him hurt those people. Don't let him tear that building down. Stop him with your bare hands, and hurry up." That's ridiculous; the by-stander has no power over the gorilla. You have no power over T.
When a toddler hasn't got bladder control, you don't put them on the nice couch without a diaper. When a family member chooses to destroy her family, you don't turn her loose and excuse everything she does, but you put limitations on her. She is sinning like crazy and it is already tearing your family apart. Maybe your mom is doing damage control by blaming you (because she can control you because you're nice and T isn't, right? the by-stander and the gorilla) so she doesn't have to face the damage that is coming from T. I don't know, I'm guessing here.
Matt. 18 gives God's prescription on how to handle sinners: 1) confront them privately (I'd use Scripture so there's no mistake that she is sinning) and encourage her to repent. I think you've already done this, but if you didn't show her from the Bible what is wrong, do it again. Sorry. 2) confront with 2-3 witnesses. Take a family member and maybe the pastor (who should be counseling you - call him on the phone and make an appointment) and encourage her to repent. 3) stand up in church and say what she is doing and ask her to repent. The pastor needs to be in on this. If you guys go to different churches, call her pastor and tell him what is going on. Pray he's a Bible-believing kind of guy and has the giblets to handle this.
Your sister is tearing your family apart. Your mother is shooting the messenger, not the gorilla. Tell the truth - look at all those Bible verses that fit your sister and hang on to them for dear life (because you're probably going to take a beating, and you need to know what you're doing is right in God's eyes. You're getting beat up anyway, so make sure it's for the right reasons. The only way out of this is through it, and God promises to get you through it. 1 Cor. 10:13. Go do what needs to be done).
Your sister makes accusations. If they aren't true, then she is lying. The Bible says stuff about liars (see the Ninth Commandment). Look at these verses: ... never mind, there are too many of them. Go to www.biblegateway.com and look up the word "peace" and see how it's a characteristic of God's life. It's overwhelming. Your sister is carnal, not spiritual. But do look at this verse:
Romans 12:18
If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.
You, for your part, live peaceably. T does not.
1 Cor. 7:15 is about a Christian married to a non-Christian who leaves, and using the "greater to the lesser" argument that if in marriage then also in lesser relationships, like siblings. If she wants to leave the relationship as you give it to her, I think you have biblical grounds to let her leave(really, your pastor can give you better advice here. I'm just an amateur).
Your relationship with God comes before your relationship with T. Your relationship with your husband and children comes before T. And if you are all upset that's not good for your kids. If they are upset and learning sinning ways, that's destructive. Protect yourself, protect your kids. Your mother and T are not your immediate family, your husband and kids are.
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She is apparently upset with me for not reaching out to her enough over the years. We've lived in different states and countries for most of my life (T is ~18yrs. older) so she's upset that I haven't called/emailed enough to build a closer relationship. So now she's DONE reaching out and if I want to have a relationship then it's my turn to reach out.
Boy, she's doing the guilt thing with you. It's all your fault, and she's billing you for years of "bad behavior." It's blackmail, and it's all coming out of her imagination (who said anyone was entitled to a perfect life anyway?). Hey, the only perfect Person the world has ever seen was crucified.
Hislittleone, you're a very nice person who is kind and easy going. I think God is giving you a new assignment that is way out of your comfort zone: grow a steel backbone and tell this woman the truth (so know what the truth is). Don't back down. Walk away from abuse. Walk away from raised voices, accusations and blackmail. Say, "We aren't going to listen to this. Call us when you can be nice; we'd love to hear from you then." And get up and walk out. If she physically attacks you or tries to stop you, call the police and press charges. Yes, I'm not kidding. The gorilla is loose. If her veneer of civilization falls off and she threatens you, the police are there for a reason. Your other family members sure aren't going to protect you (to their shame).
If this upsets your family, just wait. Eventually they'll say, "You were right. We had to finally do that, too." Or the family will fall apart and you'll be an island of sanity surrounded by people who've lost their family and their voice. Do what's right by your kids, they don't need this example of craziness from her or lack of strength about what is true from their parents. They will have to face adversity as adults; show them how it's done. Cling to the Bible and pray for your family because it's imploding. Pray for T because she is so deperate she's willing to destroy her family and life and it still isn't working so she may have to escalate.
Dig in your Bible, learn what God says, decide where you will draw the line in the sand, and prepare to hold that line against T's fury. Pray like crazy because it's a spiritual battle; the devil wants to compromise your faith and destroy your family. You can't decide for others but you can for yourself, and it may encourage other family members to do the right thing, too. I am praying for you , them and her. May God be glorified in all this, and bring healing to the entire family, especially T. Poor wounded gorilla.
(((Hugs)))
(Yes, I've been there. My kid was the middle of a fight over who had "the right" to put her life in danger. Some battles the parents must win at all costs, and other family members get to decide how they want to respond to proper parents. Their choice. Sometimes their sinful choice. Nevertheless, we have to do what is right. My immediate family, by God's grace, is godlier and healthier than it ever was before. The grandparent generation died in their sin. Their choice. We weep, and walk on to go do what is right. God promises His love and blessing to a thousand generations descended from godly parents. Be that; I'm sure you will)
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Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: Sister With Anger Problem - 10/6/2008 10:53:35 PM
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Sadey
Posts: 539
Joined: 7/25/2007
Status: offline
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Its so hard to take a stand isn't it? Being pulled in so many directions and feeling responsible for everyone's happiness.
If you could fix this, don't you think it would be fixed by now? Hon, this is so out of your hands and if you try to take it back it will only be more of the same old, same old.
What does your husband have to say about all this? It might be good for you to lean on him for awhile and give this up. Take a break from all of this for a month or two and then rethink it. You can always pick this up again in the future, trust me it probably won't change much. But you may get addicted to the peace and quiet and find you can live without all the drama.
God bless you, don't give up and talk to your husband and let him protect his family from all this craziness.
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RE: Sister With Anger Problem - 10/8/2008 3:15:05 PM
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agapetos
Posts: 5389
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: This side of the lil duck pond!
Status: offline
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quote:
She yelled, cussed and tore me down verbally. Of course he defended me and told her to stop cussing but of course she just kept ranting. Your husband should have told her the second that she started verbally attacking you that if she didn't quit, he would hang up the phone and she could call back when she had calmed down. You shouldn't reason with a child who's throwing a tantrum and this is what he's doing with her.
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Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not using them in fruit salads!
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RE: Sister With Anger Problem - 10/8/2008 5:23:36 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1859
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: online
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ORIGINAL: Hislittleone
He told dad our side of things and seemed to be understanding. Not necessarily supportive but definitely understanding. I consider that a positive step.
It is. Yay.
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Once he got that out of his mouth she said something like "How dare you! You're not going to make me the victim here!" and on and on and on. He could barely get a sentence out after that.
I agree with Agapetos here; he should have quietly hung up the phone - and unplugged it for several hours. Go to a movie; I hear "American Carol" is great!
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I am sick of putting on a smile and pretending it's all ok. But that's what she (and the rest of the family) expects of us.
Sure you are - your family wants you to be dishonest like they are. It hasn't worked yet.
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She even told him that she was planning on coming in a couple of weeks for our son's birthday party.
You can say, "I'm sorry; | | |
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And you too, Deermousie. At least my sister isn't violent. Hopefully it won't ever come to that. 
