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RE: Conflict over praying and how to pray

 
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RE: Conflict over praying and how to pray - 8/24/2008 8:28:06 PM   
agapetos


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quote:

He begs and says he NEEDS me. I know its guilt. It gets to me.
The situation won't resolve itself by you carrying on with this relationship if you know it is wrong for you. Perhaps it'd be easier via email and tell him that you don't want him to contact you any longer. If he does, block his email etc.

_____________________________

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Post #: 26
RE: Conflict over praying and how to pray - 8/24/2008 8:34:11 PM   
imdeanam


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From: Washington state
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quote:

why would you knowingly make a choice like this?


The more I learn the more I know it is wrong. It takes a long time to really get to know who someoe is and they can say anything really. He said all kinds of nice things he knew I would want to hear. I also know I have been co-dependent and have worked on it and still struggle with it. I learned these things... I almost left on day three of my visit. I said I would not be back and he could not change my mind. I was about five seconds from driving away having no idea how to get to the airport and he came out and I caved into not leaving. My weakness. I admit it. While I was very strong in the area of not caving into the pressuring for sex, I had such a difficult time with his begging me not to leave.

quote:

The situation won't resolve itself by you carrying on with this relationship if you know it is wrong for you. Perhaps it'd be easier via email and tell him that you don't want him to contact you any longer. If he does, block his email etc.


Praying for strength to do that. I have tried several times...... Thanks for everyone's encouragement and truthfulness. It WILL happen. I know its not fair to him either to keep this going. I do love him but I know it can't work.

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Post #: 27
RE: Conflict over praying and how to pray - 8/24/2008 8:43:08 PM   
agapetos


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quote:

While I was very strong in the area of not caving into the pressuring for sex, I had such a difficult time with his begging me not to leave.
My concern for you is that if you don't break this relationship off, you will ultimately cave into his wishes.

I think you have more strength than you realise. If you didn't, you would have already caved into his demands for sex.

Sometimes we don't realise how much easier it is to do something we don't have strength for than to continue the status quo. It is possible that you won't become stronger over time.

_____________________________

Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.

Wisdom is not using them in fruit salads!

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Post #: 28
RE: Conflict over praying and how to pray - 8/24/2008 8:50:01 PM   
imdeanam


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I have stopped the IM communication. I have shut down my blog where we communicated all the time. I have stopped the phone calls. So this is the last thing that needs to be done... The responding to emails and blocking him. I keep thinking I need to explain to him why, but ultimately I know it won't help, it will just keep me sucked in and will continue. He can't come to see me because of passport and other issues which is good. I am pretty far away from him. I know my strength comes from the Lord always and would not have made it this far without His strength. I need to keep my eyes on Him and His Word that I know is true.

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Post #: 29
RE: Conflict over praying and how to pray - 8/24/2008 9:46:35 PM   
leah777


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I know many Christians who are uncomfortable praying aloud. No, maybe they aren't using the power of the Holy Spirit that God has given us, but who of us are perfect in every aspect of our Christian walk? It does sound like the guy is immature in his walk with the Lord, and needs time (and room) to grow. But I seriously doubt he's going to grow much with this kind of pressure being put on him.

If the issues that you've mentioned are major issues to you, I don't understand why you would not have broken it off long ago. As has been said, you need to be willing to accept him as he is while praying for his growth in the Lord, or let him go.

I think agapetos, truthrevealed and stamper_ben have summed it up very well in their posts, and I agree with everything they said. This issue is only as important to your present relationship as you want to make it . . . as time goes on, and this bf increases in wisdom and experience with his relationship with God, learning who the Holy Spirit is and the power He can give us, he will very likely become bolder and braver with praying aloud. But he may never get to the point of feeling comfortable praying for someone aloud -- in their presence or others'.

I think our personality has loads to do with our ability to be open and free with sharing our faith -- whether it's by praying aloud, testifying, teaching, witnessing . . . if we are the kind of person who exhibits little or no emotion at ballgames, parties, etc., then we are not likely to be able to pray aloud easily. I know the Holy Spirit can and does change those things in us, but early on in our relationship with him our base personality traits are going to be a deciding factor.

That having been said, I wonder about your own spiritual strength and the power you are allowing the Holy Spirit to exhibit in you when you say he's pressured you to have sex with him (which you are rightly very much against), he's not showing many (or any) signs of a Christian walk, he differs with you on interpretation of the scriptures, and other issues that seem to be a major concern for you, yet you've not broken it off. Don't you think you are leading him on -- even encouraging him to believe there's hope when there are so many things going against this relationship and you seem to know yourself that there is absolutely no hope?

My husband of 39 years does not go to church with me. At one time, and for many years he was not a believer, and did not want to talk about or hear anything about God. I can't be sure that he is a born-again believer now . . . it isn't up to me to judge him. But I do know that he can and does talk about the Lord more freely, asks questions, attends social functions at church and with my church friends (who have also become his friends), and freely joins in group prayers when the occasion calls for it, even recently giving a resounding amen when I finished praying with a couple who were in our home.

Yes, I would love to have him beside me in church; I would love to hear him lift up my name in prayer to God . . . have him join more openly and fully in a Christian walk with me & the Lord. I would love to be able to KNOW that he is okay with the Lord. But, you know, that's all about me -- what I want and need and would love . . . . . . he has a right to be HIMSELF . . find his own way of coming to know his saviour, even find his own way of communicating with him, which I truly believe he does. I am not his judge. I am responsible for myself and my own growth. And I know I have tons of growing to do.

We didn't start out our married life as practicing Christians, tho we had both been baptized when we were 11 or 12, so we did know about Jesus and his love for us. I really started my Christian walk after we'd been married nearly 10 years. They are too complicated to go into right now, and would be totally off topic, but suffice it to say I DO understand why he feels he cannot attend church with me. And even while I realize that God is big enough to conquer those things that keep him away, as I said earlier, who of us are perfect in all aspects of our walk with the Lord?


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Joy is the echo of God's life in us.
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Post #: 30
RE: Conflict over praying and how to pray - 8/24/2008 11:07:26 PM   
imdeanam


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quote:

If the issues that you've mentioned are major issues to you, I don't understand why you would not have broken it off long ago.
As I mentioned, I have learned more and more as time has passed. I don't want to lead him on. I believe he has led me on in what he has told me.. Now I am seeing it for what it really is. I feel bad that I am having trouble ending it. As I said, I do love him. Its not an easy thing. As I also mentioned I have tried to telll him several times that we are not a match because of our core beliefs. He believes the Bible to be "stories" based on misinterpretation of the writers of the Bible. I believe it to be inspired by God and all true. I don't want to judge him. I don't want to pressure him. I just told him what I needed. I am glad you have done so well in your 39 years and your husband is attending functions, etc. with you. Its a preference for me that we are more compatible in that area. Thanks for sharing your story with me.

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Post #: 31
RE: Conflict over praying and how to pray - 8/24/2008 11:26:23 PM   
Sadey

 

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[/quote]

This does encourage me, thank you! I am having trouble discerning.. Even satan knows the scripures well. When I went to meet him he tried very hard to pressure me to sleep with him. I would not. With all due respect I wondered if Christians (men or women) would keep pressuring and pressuring when you have already said "no!" That of course would not be the deciding factor if he is a Christian or not, but it sure was unsettling to have him continue to pressure and even at one point told me God was the problem. With him saying God was the problem I am embarrassed I am even still with him (maybe it is easier because he is far away). I really need to pray about this and decide. I want so much for it to work like you said yours finally did. 7 years is a loooooooog time. This blaming God thing and saying He is the problem seems like a deal breaker.
[/quote]
This is where I read about the pressuring for sex. In post 7.
Post #: 32
RE: Conflict over praying and how to pray - 8/24/2008 11:39:20 PM   
leah777


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quote:

Its a preference for me that we are more compatible in that area. Thanks for sharing your story with me.


I can certainly understand that, Deana, and didn't mean to imply you should settle for anything less. The point of sharing that small part of my story with you was really to say that everyone goes at their own pace in finding the Lord and learning how to live and be a witness for him, and while we can encourage them (and should), we really can't (and shouldn't) try to rush them into doing it 'our way' . . . I learned that the hard way, believe me. That's part of the story that I didn't share, and won't in here (it's touched on and mentioned throughout my thread linked at the bottom of my posts). I don't know that I'd say we've 'done so well in our 39 years -- more like we've muddled along. We were 'unequally yoked' in many ways, and I wouldn't recommend that way to anyone

There were some posts made by you & others while I was typing my post, and in reading them, I see that you have been trying to find a proper way to end the relationship. I personally think that is good, and hope you are able to do that promptly. It would be nice if you could do it in a way that would leave the door open for continued friendship, but that would be difficult since he seems to be so attached. However, you can continue to pray for him, for his salvation, a real awakening, and his growth in the Lord.

I guess I just felt there was a lot of unnecessary emphasis on being able to pray aloud . . certainly we should all strive for that freedom in our spirit, but it will come much, much harder for some than others, depending on their background, their personality, and many other factors. God knows & understands all those things -- He made us unique individuals with unique personalities, and He is patient and willing to wait for us to get to where He wants us to be with Him. I'm so thankful He is -- I'm still striving to get there

God bless . . .


_____________________________

Leah

Joy is the echo of God's life in us.
*Leah's Stories*
Post #: 33
RE: Conflict over praying and how to pray - 8/25/2008 1:06:40 AM   
imdeanam


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Thank you Leah! I will check out your links.

quote:

It would be nice if you could do it in a way that would leave the door open for continued friendship


This is my prayer and hope it can happen that way. Even though you say you have "muddled" through, it still takes God and your willingness to keep working on it for so long and loving your husband where he is. I admire that. You stayed committed.

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Post #: 34
RE: Conflict over praying and how to pray - 8/25/2008 7:34:28 AM   
buckifn

 

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This is just my 2 cents-

If someone cannot talk openly to the person who is their best friend then something is wrong with the relationship. I absolutely cannot understand a person saying they are a Christian yet they cannot pray to Him and with someone else when asked to do so.

How is his relationship with Christ intimate when he can't even talk to Him with his mate or soon to be mate?

If he truly loves God and is in a relationship with God it won't matter what someone else thinks about his prayers.

If someone told me they struggle with this then I would spend time finding out where they are in their walk with Christ and offer ways to help them mature in a deeper relationship with Him until praying becomes not only a natural but an essential part of his daily life.

Praying together as a couple is one of the most rewarding aspects of a Christian marriage imo and I strongly urge you not to settle for anyone who can't share that openly with you.
Post #: 35
RE: Conflict over praying and how to pray - 8/25/2008 11:55:53 AM   
shadowspring


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quote:

He believes the Bible to be "stories" based on misinterpretation of the writers of the Bible. I believe it to be inspired by God and all true.


So why are you still with him? The Word is clear that we should not enter into relationships where we are not at least starting on the same page. Be strong, sister.

The heartache and loneliness of being married to a man who will not pray with you, not support you in your faith, but wants to use you for sex, companionship and housekeeping are so AWFUL! YUCK!

The loneliness of being single is nothing compared to the loneliness that exists in an adversarial marriage. Ask anyone suffering in such a situation. Darkness hates light. I cannot believe anyone would tell you to choose it for yourself if you could righteously avoid it.

If a man does not believe the Bible is the Word of the Living God, he is not a Christian no matter what he may call himself. The word Christian came into use in the first century to describe people who fully believed in the literal resurrection of Jesus Christ the Son of God, and would not be dissuaded from following Him by hardship, poverty, persecution or death.

It is not right to call someone a Christian who does not share that depth of conviction.

This man has been scamming you. You do him NO FAVORS by staying with him, as you would be rewarding his unbelief with a godly wife. That is just wrong. He will never take God's Word seriously if you, who claim to believe, do not obey it yourself.

Breaking up with this man is the best testimony you could ever give him.

_____________________________

"Blessed is the man...whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law meditates day and night. He will be like a tree planted by rivers of water..." from Psalm 1
Post #: 36
RE: Conflict over praying and how to pray - 8/25/2008 12:47:49 PM   
Child4Jesus


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quote:

ORIGINAL: agapetos
quote:

He begs and says he NEEDS me. I know its guilt. It gets to me.
The situation won't resolve itself by you carrying on with this relationship if you know it is wrong for you. Perhaps it'd be easier via email and tell him that you don't want him to contact you any longer. If he does, block his email etc.


Do NOT break it off via email, letter, text message, instant message or over the phone. These are extremely rude and immature. The relationship being long distant makes it more difficult but in person is best.

Do such things to someone you claim to love is just awful.

_____________________________

In Christ,
Richad

The greatest heresy to American Christianity is that if you ask Jesus to come into your heart, he definitely will.

Paul Washer
Post #: 37
RE: Conflict over praying and how to pray - 8/25/2008 1:49:55 PM   
buckifn

 

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I agree. Plus that would destroy any christian testimony. If you know someone is a christian and struggling in that relationship you owe it to them to try and help them spiritually whether you decide to marry them or not. There is a kind and caring way to end a romantic relationship and still encourage one in their spiritual walk.
Post #: 38
RE: Conflict over praying and how to pray - 8/25/2008 2:02:58 PM   
agapetos


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quote:

Do NOT break it off via email, letter, text message, instant message or over the phone. These are extremely rude and immature. The relationship being long distant makes it more difficult but in person is best.
Ordinarily, I'd agree but the OP has said that she is repeatedly being subjected to emotional blackmail by this man and pressurised into having sex with him.

I had to wonder whether it would be a safe environment for her to speak to him face2face. Even in a relatively public place, he could either say something or do something to harm her.

We should help others who are struggling, but that doesn't mean that we have to place ourselves in danger. The OP could look up some churches in his area and pass them on to him. And with respect Richard and buckfin, you're both guys. It's very hard sometimes to see things from the perspective of a woman (just as it's hard for a woman to see things from a man's perspective sometimes). Please remember that men are mostly taller, heavier and stronger than women so can easily overpower them.

From what the op has said, I don't think that she can help him after she breaks their relationship off because of his constant emotional blackmail (ie is he constantly going to beg her to get back together if she stays in her life?).

_____________________________

Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.

Wisdom is not using them in fruit salads!

My blog
Post #: 39
RE: Conflict over praying and how to pray - 8/25/2008 3:07:20 PM   
leah777


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quote:

The heartache and loneliness of being married to a man who will not pray with you, not support you in your faith, but wants to use you for sex, companionship and housekeeping are so AWFUL! YUCK!


I'm trying not to take offense at this, but I do find it beyond harsh -- and rude. My marriage may qualify for many adjectives, but YUCK! is simply not one of them. Hopefully, you were referring entirely to Deana's posts about this guy, and not making a blanket statement about any 'unequally-yoked' marriage. No, it's not the Lord's perfect way for us, and as Ive already said above, I wouldn't recommend it . . . . and I don't see anyone on here recommending it as a viable option to Deana. When my husband & I got married, we were really not 'unequally yoked' as neither of us were actively serving the Lord.

Deana, I do think, since this relationship is long-distance, there's a chance you could continue to befriend this guy . . so long as he understands he cannot be trying to blackmail you, make you feel guilty, or do any of those things that bring you down. That would need to be understood from the get-go. And if he doesn't abide by this, then cutting him off would be the only option, imo.


_____________________________

Leah

Joy is the echo of God's life in us.
*Leah's Stories*
Post #: 40
RE: Conflict over praying and how to pray - 8/25/2008 6:44:23 PM   
imdeanam


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Here's what I can try to address to all that I am so grateful to for your help. I was in a marriage for 27 years. It was very hard at the end and I wouldn't want to be in that situation again. I can't shut off the love I have for this man now so it is just hard. I can't pay for another ticket as the one I paid for to see him the first time was very costly and I just don't have enough to do it again. I am trying to still be respectful of this man. He has sent emails to me and on one side he calls me names and does the emotional blackmail and in the next email its the opposite.

Last night I again sent an email telling him that it just could not work between us as our core beliefs were just too different. I told him I thought we were doing very well when we were friends. I did say I love him and maybe that was my mistake. But I said it just can't work between us. I gave some examples and tried to be very clear that it was not going to work. This morning I have gotten several more emails with the same. First lashing out and then saying please call. This last one I got says I am torturing him and please tell him one way or the other. I am NOT trying to send mixed messages. My heart DOES love him. My heart also knows that we can't make it like this. I am sad that this relationship is going also. This is torture for me too.

I am just now getting an alert email message that he has changed our relationship on our blogs. I guess I was too weak do do what I needed to do and say. Thanks for your help.

OH WOW! HE HAS CHANGED OUR RELATIONSHIP ON OUR BLOG THAT I HAVE BASICALLY SHUT DOWN RIGHT NOW TO "LIFE PARTNER" Now what...

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Post #: 41
RE: Conflict over praying and how to pray - 8/25/2008 7:09:20 PM   
shadowspring


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quote:

ORIGINAL: leah777


quote:

The heartache and loneliness of being married to a man who will not pray with you, not support you in your faith, but wants to use you for sex, companionship and housekeeping are so AWFUL! YUCK!


I'm trying not to take offense at this, but I do find it beyond harsh -- and rude. My marriage may qualify for many adjectives, but YUCK! is simply not one of them. Hopefully, you were referring entirely to Deana's posts about this guy, and not making a blanket statement about any 'unequally-yoked' marriage. No, it's not the Lord's perfect way for us, and as Ive already said above, I wouldn't recommend it . . . . and I don't see anyone on here recommending it as a viable option to Deana. When my husband & I got married, we were really not 'unequally yoked' as neither of us were actively serving the Lord.

Deana, I do think, since this relationship is long-distance, there's a chance you could continue to befriend this guy . . so long as he understands he cannot be trying to blackmail you, make you feel guilty, or do any of those things that bring you down. That would need to be understood from the get-go. And if he doesn't abide by this, then cutting him off would be the only option, imo.




I didn't mean to offend you Leah. I was speaking of my feelings about such a situation.

I could never, ever put myself in that situation. I would live alone the rest of my life before I would even flirt with a man who does not love the Lord wholehearedly, were I still single.

I had in fact no intention of ever getting married, as the men I saw in the world around me, even those in my church, were not following the Lord with a passion I could respect.

So that sentence was not about you, it's about me and my feelings.

_____________________________

"Blessed is the man...whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law meditates day and night. He will be like a tree planted by rivers of water..." from Psalm 1
Post #: 42
RE: Conflict over praying and how to pray - 8/25/2008 7:12:15 PM   
shadowspring


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Joined: 5/27/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: imdeanam

Here's what I can try to address to all that I am so grateful to for your help. I was in a marriage for 27 years. It was very hard at the end and I wouldn't want to be in that situation again. I can't shut off the love I have for this man now so it is just hard. I can't pay for another ticket as the one I paid for to see him the first time was very costly and I just don't have enough to do it again. I am trying to still be respectful of this man. He has sent emails to me and on one side he calls me names and does the emotional blackmail and in the next email its the opposite.

Last night I again sent an email telling him that it just could not work between us as our core beliefs were just too different. I told him I thought we were doing very well when we were friends. I did say I love him and maybe that was my mistake. But I said it just can't work between us. I gave some examples and tried to be very clear that it was not going to work. This morning I have gotten several more emails with the same. First lashing out and then saying please call. This last one I got says I am torturing him and please tell him one way or the other. I am NOT trying to send mixed messages. My heart DOES love him. My heart also knows that we can't make it like this. I am sad that this relationship is going also. This is torture for me too.

I am just now getting an alert email message that he has changed our relationship on our blogs. I guess I was too weak do do what I needed to do and say. Thanks for your help.

OH WOW! HE HAS CHANGED OUR RELATIONSHIP ON OUR BLOG THAT I HAVE BASICALLY SHUT DOWN RIGHT NOW TO "LIFE PARTNER" Now what...



Deana,

Youare sending mixed messages by saying "I still love you" and then "it just can't work out".

Leave the "I love you"s out of it. Make it easy for him to move on. Just say "it's not going to work. I wish you all the best." and leave it at that.

Confessions of love are for couples, not people breaking up.

_____________________________

"Blessed is the man...whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law meditates day and night. He will be like a tree planted by rivers of water..." from Psalm 1
Post #: 43
RE: Conflict over praying and how to pray - 8/25/2008 7:17:19 PM   
Focusing


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I believe there needs to be an openness and comfort in a serious relationship ... and it would create an environment between two people that would be conducive to prayer.

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Post #: 44
RE: Conflict over praying and how to pray - 8/25/2008 8:08:24 PM   
imdeanam


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From: Washington state
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quote:

Just say "it's not going to work.


That makes good sense.

Its the conflict within myself about loving him. He just can't be told that at all.

I will do that one more time without the "I love you."

Thanks Shadow!


quote:

openness and comfort in a serious relationship


Agree!

quote:

And if he doesn't abide by this, then cutting him off would be the only option


Yep, after what I am seeing today, he is not... Thanks Leah!

_____________________________

Live out loud!
Post #: 45
RE: Conflict over praying and how to pray - 8/25/2008 8:11:49 PM   
shadowspring


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I will be praying for you, dear one. I know this must be painful.

It might help you heal if you read through as many of deermousie's posts as you can. She has such good advice and comfort for broken hearts.

_____________________________

"Blessed is the man...whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law meditates day and night. He will be like a tree planted by rivers of water..." from Psalm 1
Post #: 46
RE: Conflict over praying and how to pray - 8/25/2008 8:15:04 PM   
imdeanam


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quote:

ORIGINAL: shadowspring

I will be praying for you, dear one. I know this must be painful.

It might help you heal if you read through as many of deermousie's posts as you can. She has such good advice and comfort for broken hearts.



Horrifically horrible for me. Thank you sooo much for your prayers!

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Post #: 47
RE: Conflict over praying and how to pray - 8/26/2008 10:57:37 AM   
buckifn

 

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I guess I don't see how a guy can be pressuring her for sex when all they are doing is emailing each other.
Post #: 48
RE: Conflict over praying and how to pray - 8/26/2008 12:02:57 PM   
shadowspring


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quote:

ORIGINAL: imdeanam

quote:

why would you knowingly make a choice like this?


The more I learn the more I know it is wrong. It takes a long time to really get to know who someoe is and they can say anything really. He said all kinds of nice things he knew I would want to hear. I also know I have been co-dependent and have worked on it and still struggle with it. I learned these things... I almost left on day three of my visit. I said I would not be back and he could not change my mind. I was about five seconds from driving away having no idea how to get to the airport and he came out and I caved into not leaving. My weakness. I admit it. While I was very strong in the area of not caving into the pressuring for sex, I had such a difficult time with his begging me not to leave.

quote:

The situation won't resolve itself by you carrying on with this relationship if you know it is wrong for you. Perhaps it'd be easier via email and tell him that you don't want him to contact you any longer. If he does, block his email etc.


Praying for strength to do that. I have tried several times...... Thanks for everyone's encouragement and truthfulness. It WILL happen. I know its not fair to him either to keep this going. I do love him but I know it can't work.


She went to visit him in person at her expense.

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Post #: 49
RE: Conflict over praying and how to pray - 8/26/2008 5:59:52 PM   
agapetos


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quote:

ORIGINAL: buckifn

I guess I don't see how a guy can be pressuring her for sex when all they are doing is emailing each other.

They weren't ~ and she did go visit him which is where the pressurisation came in.

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