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Conflict over praying and how to pray - 8/23/2008 11:35:44 AM
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imdeanam
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My boyfriend and I have been having this unbelievable conflict over praying and how to pray. I have asked him in the past to pray with me and he says he feels uncomfortable praying out loud. Okay, that's fine. (Although I can't see myself being with someone who won't pray together out loud with me and we have talked about that). I asked him to pray for something the other day and he got very upset with me. Since this is a long distance relationship (I know...) it is a little harder to communicate as well since you are not in the presence of the person.
The thing is.. All I wanted was something like "okay sure" or "I will" or just an acknowledgement that he would do it. Am I expecting too much?? I mean this question sincerely. I told him that it bothered me and that all I wanted was an "I will". The point is that he went on about how I have told him "how" to pray which I didn't. He said God already knows our thoughts and it doesn't have to be a long drawn out prayer (which is true). But why is this such a big deal that I asked him to pray?
God tells us TO pray.
Philippians 4:6-7, "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made know to God; and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."
My boyfriend talked about Matthew 6: 1-8 Matt 6:8 Says "And when you pray , do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagoges and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have recieved their reward in full. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father who is unseen"....etc...
Yes, I agree with this scripture. Isn't it okay for a couple to just pray together?
There are numerous scriptures about prayer and there is a prayer forum right here!
Thanks for your input!
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RE: Conflict over praying and how to pray - 8/23/2008 12:52:45 PM
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mymanna
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Hello! I think that maybe your boyfriend may just be uncomfortable praying outloud. I know alot of people are. I have had conversations with my mom about praying and she has admitted that she doesn't really "know how to pray and doesn't pray well", I've told her how I speak to the Lord and that in my heart He is my most trusted friend and I've tried to help her in this very important area of her life. I don't remember the exact Scripture but I know the apostles prayed to the Lord, "teach us to pray and increase our faith". Maybe this is just a very private thing with your boyfriend and he is struggling in this area too. If I were you I would pray for him and ask the Lord to help him in this area of his spiritual life...and maybe for the time being you could ask him to just join hands and bow with you while you pray. In time after hearing you talk to the Lord he may be more comfortable with it. Good luck and God bless!
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RE: Conflict over praying and how to pray - 8/23/2008 1:05:00 PM
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truthrevealed
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So, I'm assuming your boyfriend is a christian man? If so, praise God for THAT! Is he a good man in all other respects? Does he treat you well? is he seeking God in his own private time? If so, praise God for that! Don't make this a point of contention between you two especially if he's doing what HE knows how, right now, to seek God. It will become a power struggle. He may become resentful and it will cause UN-NECCESARY drama in your relationship.
Yes, it's good to pray together but if he's uncomfortable right now...RESPECT that. I'm sure he loves you...right????
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RE: Conflict over praying and how to pray - 8/23/2008 1:18:10 PM
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imdeanam
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quote:
ORIGINAL: truthrevealed
So, I'm assuming your boyfriend is a christian man? If so, praise God for THAT! Is he a good man in all other respects? Does he treat you well? is he seeking God in his own private time? If so, praise God for that! Don't make this a point of contention between you two especially if he's doing what HE knows how, right now, to seek God. It will become a power struggle. He may become resentful and it will cause UN-NECCESARY drama in your relationship.
Yes, it's good to pray together but if he's uncomfortable right now...RESPECT that. I'm sure he loves you...right????
He says he is a Christian. He says he reads his Bible. He lives far away. He does not want to go to church. He feels uncomfortable. He says he loves me all the time even to the point of obsession. I think it is more infatuation for him. I just don't see the fruit of the walk. If everything is going the way he thinks it should and I keep quiet about stuff like this then things are fine.. If I speak up he can certainly speak harshly to me and doesn't seem to bat an eye about it. I am not sure he really knows what the love chapter means... He seems to be self-absorbed. There is a lot to all of this. I think in my heart I know we are not equally yoked and I have tried to tell him this. We just have more conflict and different beliefs. It is so hard to leave but know that it is reallly the right thing to do.
quote:
he seeking God in his own private time? He wants it to be private and not talk about it much. His actions don't show it...
Thank you both for your help.
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RE: Conflict over praying and how to pray - 8/23/2008 1:28:25 PM
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acknwldgeverygdthing
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Maybe ask him to say a memorized prayer out loud? The Lord's Prayer comes to mind. Or even ask him to say it out loud with you?
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RE: Conflict over praying and how to pray - 8/23/2008 1:36:49 PM
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imdeanam
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quote:
ORIGINAL: acknwldgeverygdthing
Maybe ask him to say a memorized prayer out loud? The Lord's Prayer comes to mind. Or even ask him to say it out loud with you?
I remember earlier in our relationship I told him how important it was for me to pray with my partner. He said he would do that and said a small prayer out loud. I encouraged him and told him it was fine and that was all I asked. He is now changing and saying that I expect too much of him and says he won't even try to pray because I wouldn't be satisfied which is not true at all. I just wanted him to say he would pray the other day... by himself even and not with me. He just got angry and used Mathew 6:8. I kind of feel like he is trying to call me a hypocrite because I want to pray with my partner.
I thought of the Lord's prayer too. He gets angry when he thinks people are telling him what to do or offering unwanted advice. Sigh... In the beginning he was so willing to do "whatever it takes" which were his own words. I just want a Christian man who will respect my words and not try to shut them down and not speak harshly to me. I have given him that respect. I think this is just the tip of the iceberg.
quote:
He being a christian but uncomfortable right now "expressing himself" is one thing. Him not being a christian and you being yolked unequally is another. But WHATEVER the case, if you choose to stay with him, you'll run him away if he feels pressured to 'Become saved' or 'Bear fruit' because he already is saved.
Trust me, the better thing to do is to pray for him and decide......***DECIDE*** within that you will accept where he is right now(and I stress, decide, because things are bound to come up that will stir up your discontentment at where he is and it WILL cause strife if you haven't purposed that you're not "going there").
This does encourage me, thank you! I am having trouble discerning.. Even satan knows the scripures well. When I went to meet him he tried very hard to pressure me to sleep with him. I would not. With all due respect I wondered if Christians (men or women) would keep pressuring and pressuring when you have already said "no!" That of course would not be the deciding factor if he is a Christian or not, but it sure was unsettling to have him continue to pressure and even at one point told me God was the problem. With him saying God was the problem I am embarrassed I am even still with him (maybe it is easier because he is far away). I really need to pray about this and decide. I want so much for it to work like you said yours finally did. 7 years is a loooooooog time. This blaming God thing and saying He is the problem seems like a deal breaker.
< Message edited by imdeanam -- 8/23/2008 1:49:51 PM >
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RE: Conflict over praying and how to pray - 8/23/2008 5:08:38 PM
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agapetos
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quote:
But why is this such a big deal that I asked him to pray? What is his Christian background and what is yours?
I wasn't brought up as a Christian, though there have been Christian influences though my life. I have found it hard to pray (outloud) with people who are far more elequont and stronger Christians than I am.
And sometimes there have been points where even the best-meaning of Christians who've wanted to encourage me in praying out loud have come across as pushing, telling me how to pray and constantly going on about it.
The people who've helped me in my praying the most are those who I've prayed with (ie at the same time, in the same room) over a period of time, and they've accepted that I've prayed (silently) and then accepted my short and simple prayers, without comment (the prayer your bf prayed which you said was fine was absolutely nothing to do with you and it wasn't necessary to 'grade' him (telling him that his prayer was fine).
And by telling him that you want him to pray out loud with you is telling him how to pray.
You say you feel you are unequally yoked and you may be right. It is not fair to either of you to continue the relationship with out a very long talk about what you both want and need in your spiritual walk.
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RE: Conflict over praying and how to pray - 8/23/2008 5:47:08 PM
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makarizo
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quote:
he says he feels uncomfortable praying out loud
how can you share your faith if you can't even pray together.
red flag!!!
for me this would be an easy deal breaker.
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RE: Conflict over praying and how to pray - 8/23/2008 6:20:13 PM
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candypr15
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hey, I think the scripture that your boyfriend used was meant to say, not to pray out loud as to boast. Many great people prayed aloud! especially Jesus. Many people are afraid to pray aloud,maybe because of insecurity. What others may think of them. There should be such a strong conviction to talk to God that it wont matter if other people hear. God is worth praying aloud for. Some people are stronger at it than others. That is something you two have to communicate to each other and how to balance the relationship. There must be a compromise. God knows the hearts of each of you remember that. =)
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RE: Conflict over praying and how to pray - 8/23/2008 11:34:01 PM
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imdeanam
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quote:
What is his Christian background and what is yours?
I have been a born again Christian since 1979. I don't think he was brought up Christian. He says he believed and loved God and Jesus since he was small and had read the Bible though a few times. We seem to interpret scripture differently.
I just wanted him to pray this time. I didn't ask him this time to pray with me, just TO pray.
quote:
how can you share your faith if you can't even pray together.
red flag!!!
I agree. It so awkward and hard for me. After I learn more and more about a person and see we are not equally yoked, I just have such a hard time getting that across. I have told him and he debates the point. I know I need to be stronger. He already knows my weak areas and uses it to guilt me and I sadly have allowed it.
quote:
hey, I think the scripture that your boyfriend used was meant to say, not to pray out loud as to boast. Many great people prayed aloud! especially Jesus. Many people are afraid to pray aloud,maybe because of insecurity. What others may think of them. There should be such a strong conviction to talk to God that it wont matter if other people hear. God is worth praying aloud for. Some people are stronger at it than others. That is something you two have to communicate to each other and how to balance the relationship. There must be a compromise. God knows the hearts of each of you remember that. =) Amen!!! I also agree. God is worth everything. I told him Jesus was talking about the Pharisees praying for their own purposes and not out of pure motivation. Another place where we interpret scripture differently.
I have told him in the past that I NEED my future spouse to pray with me. Its a need that have. I thought I laid it out for him from the beginning and he said he would do it. Now he says he won't even try. The time he did pray aloud I encouraged him I thought. I didn't mean to "grade" him, just encourage him.
Thanks all of you so much!
< Message edited by imdeanam -- 8/23/2008 11:40:32 PM >
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RE: Conflict over praying and how to pray - 8/24/2008 12:11:44 AM
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stamper_ben
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Some of the most uncomfortable times in my Christian walk have been in prayer time with others, such as a bible study group. I don't find it difficult to pray however, when I am alone or even with my wife, I know my words are good enough to be heard and understood by Him who hears them. But compared to others who's words seem better thought out and just plain sound better, I clam up and am silent.
Even with my wife it is most times better for the two of us to pray together in silence. There are times (more often as time passes) that we will speak out loud a specific request. But the main thing is not how the communication with God happens, just that it does happen.
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RE: Conflict over praying and how to pray - 8/24/2008 10:31:52 AM
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imdeanam
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quote:
ORIGINAL: stamper_ben
Some of the most uncomfortable times in my Christian walk have been in prayer time with others, such as a bible study group. I don't find it difficult to pray however, when I am alone or even with my wife, I know my words are good enough to be heard and understood by Him who hears them. But compared to others who's words seem better thought out and just plain sound better, I clam up and am silent.
Even with my wife it is most times better for the two of us to pray together in silence. There are times (more often as time passes) that we will speak out loud a specific request. But the main thing is not how the communication with God happens, just that it does happen.
Yes, I don't want to push him into doing anything doesn't want to do or is not comfortable with. For me, I just long for the prayer together. You are right..the communication between us and God is the most important thing. I guess its just a preference for me that we pray aloud.
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RE: Conflict over praying and how to pray - 8/24/2008 5:58:30 PM
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agapetos
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quote:
I guess its just a preference for me that we pray aloud. And for him, that you don't. Question is, can either of you live with this?
quote:
I just wanted him to pray this time. I didn't ask him this time to pray with me, just TO pray. The problem is, that he may be feeling really sensitive about prayer now because of previous conversations you've both had. And sometimes when people are sensitive about something, they don't always hear clearly and he may have thought that you wanted him to pray for you there and then. I don't know how you phrased things to him but until I read 'All I wanted was something like "okay sure" or "I will" or just an acknowledgement that he would do it.' I thought you were asking for him to pray for you there and then.
quote:
I just wanted him to pray this time. I didn't ask him this time to pray with me, just TO pray. Asking 'Can you pray for me please?' Well I've said the exact same thing to people at times ~ when I've wanted them to pray then and there. I still think that you and he need to talk over this issue because at the moment you are on totally different wavelengths but perhaps you simply weren't clear enough to him?
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RE: Conflict over praying and how to pray - 8/24/2008 6:36:17 PM
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imdeanam
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quote:
Asking 'Can you pray for me please?' Well I've said the exact same thing to people at times ~ when I've wanted them to pray then and there. I still think that you and he need to talk over this issue because at the moment you are on totally different wavelengths but perhaps you simply weren't clear enough to him?
That's very possible. I looked at our IM conversation and I asked him to please pray. He may have thought I meant right then. We had some more exchange and then I asked if he didn't want to pray. That may have made him think even more that I wanted him to pray then and there. I took it that he didn't want to pray at all. Then we exchanged some emails later and I explained to him that I just wanted an acknowledgement that he would pray. He then told me that I was wasting my time praying to God so much and that God knows our every thought before we even think it. We just kept spinning our wheels so I said I wouldn't call for a while. Its not looking too good right now for us but I am trying to see his point of view. And I do to a point. I just think we are way off at our core. Like you said--on different wavelengths. I am going to work on trying to be very clear though, especially when online as it is really a lot tougher to express yourself that way. Thanks
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RE: Conflict over praying and how to pray - 8/24/2008 6:41:06 PM
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agapetos
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quote:
God knows our every thought before we even think it. Which is true, but God likes for us to talk to Him, even if it's trivial stuff. Let's face it, we talk to our friends and family, often telling them things they know already and we know they know.
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RE: Conflict over praying and how to pray - 8/24/2008 6:44:20 PM
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imdeanam
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Yeah, that was kind of my point to him. That God wants us to talk to Him and pray to him. And I want to do that with my friends, family and especially my spouse if I have one again.... Its really something I need in a marriage.
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RE: Conflict over praying and how to pray - 8/24/2008 6:58:34 PM
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Sadey
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Lets see, he is harsh with you, pressured you to have sex with him, doesn't go to church, won't pray with you, pressured you to have sex with him, you are unequally yoked, lives far away, pressured you to have sex with him? And you are still with him? Unless there is something awesome about this man that you are not sharing with us, you are heading to a train wreck. Him not praying with you is the least of your problems I think.
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RE: Conflict over praying and how to pray - 8/24/2008 7:03:14 PM
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agapetos
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quote:
pressured you to have sex with him I didn't see that in her posts ~ and given they are in a LDR, it'd be a bit difficult wouldn't it?
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RE: Conflict over praying and how to pray - 8/24/2008 7:30:16 PM
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agapetos
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quote:
I'm sorry but a Christian who gets touchy about being asked to pray for someone is not right. We are supposed to pray for each other. This is a huge red flag for me, one that also comes with a fishy odor. I think there are problems with the relationship.
I also think, as I have said, and one or two others have said, it's difficult to pray out loud in a group. Now I know this isn't a group, but it could be that this guy is simply not sure of how to pray (I've been a Christian for over 10 years now and I don't know if I always pray 'correctly' sometimes) or may just not be comfortable praying infront of others because it's not something that he's ever done before.
Added to that, he may have felt the op has continued to push him on the prayer issue and he's ultra sensitive whenever it comes up. Perhaps if she'd expected less of him, he'd be more confident now.
Again, the op needs to talk this whole issue through with her bf and either make the break or decide to accept him as he is. To hang in this indecision is not good for either of them.
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RE: Conflict over praying and how to pray - 8/24/2008 8:11:00 PM
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creationtalk
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quote:
We seem to interpret scripture differently.
This to me is potentially a major issue. I know some people who are Christian, attend services regularly, and interpret the scriptures quite differently than I do...while having different interpretations is GOOD in a Bible study as it drives me to study the scriptures more thoroughly, it can be extremely difficult and uncomfortable in an intimate relationship--particularly if it is in an area where you have strong feelings.
I suggest you think very seriously about other religious practices or scriptural interpretations that are important to you, prepare your thoughts and feelings on these things, and ask bf to do the same then exchange topics (not your thoughts yet) and each of you write how you feel or interpret the things of interest to the other. Then compare your responses. From here you will have a chance to see if the two of you are on the same page scripturally. If you aren't, then this might be a sign that things are not going to work. You already have one area of conflict: praying together is very important to you. It is not important to your bf. If he is uncomfortable with it now, he isn't suddenly going to be comfortable with it after marriage (BTDT).
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RE: Conflict over praying and how to pray - 8/24/2008 8:18:41 PM
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imdeanam
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quote:
I didn't see that in her posts ~ and given they are in a LDR, it'd be a bit difficult wouldn't it?
We have talked online and on the phone for over a year now. It was just as friends up until a few months ago. I thought I knew quite a bit about him and his background. I went to visit for a week (not staying with him). It was in that week that he pressured me. He said he wanted to come here--and would be pressuring me if he were here. That' is what getting to know someone is about--communicating and talking and seeing each other if possible... For sure not so much with an LDR.
quote:
I'm sorry but a Christian who gets touchy about being asked to pray for someone is not right. We are supposed to pray for each other. This is a huge red flag for me, one that also comes with a fishy odor.
This is how I feel too exactly! Its not even just about prayer.
quote:
Again, the op needs to talk this whole issue through with her bf and either make the break or decide to accept him as he is. To hang in this indecision is not good for either of them.
Of course there are always two sides to the story. I haven't shared it all here. I know I NEED to break it off. I need God's strengh and a lot of prayer. I am trying. I have tried talking and telling him we don't match. He begs and says he NEEDS me. I know its guilt. It gets to me. I know I can't be with him. Its still hard.
I tried to be as clear as I could in the original post. Thanks for any prayers for strength for me. I NEED them now to break this off.
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RE: Conflict over praying and how to pray - 8/24/2008 8:22:41 PM
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imdeanam
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quote:
This to me is potentially a major issue.
Amen!
Its huge! That is why I need to break it off....somehow. This is the HARDEST part for me. You are right. And we have gone around about this before and other things about being Christian, the Bible, etc. I have learned more and more as time has gone by and now I have to do the thing I dread but know I must.
quote:
Lets see, he is harsh with you, pressured you to have sex with him, doesn't go to church, won't pray with you, pressured you to have sex with him, you are unequally yoked, lives far away, pressured you to have sex with him? And you are still with him? Unless there is something awesome about this man that you are not sharing with us, you are heading to a train wreck. Him not praying with you is the least of your problems I think.
This says it all.
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RE: Conflict over praying and how to pray - 8/24/2008 8:26:55 PM
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sisrev
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quote:
ORIGINAL: imdeanam
...I explained to him that I just wanted an acknowledgement that he would pray. He then told me that I was wasting my time praying to God so much...
Just because God knows our every thought does not mean it's "a waste of time" to pray. Jesus said, "When you pray", not if.
It sounds to me as though you are definitely unequally yoked with this guy. I know many women find themselves in this situation, and yes, sometimes through the grace of God things may change--but sometimes they don't, and why would you knowingly make a choice like this?
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. He had zero relationship with God. I had a strong christian base and background. I had already prayed to God that my husband would be a christian man(long before we met). When I met him.......HE WASN'T A CHRISTIAN MAN! For 7 looooooong years we were "unequally yoked" but when it was time for our union to become.......a UNION 
, God saved his soul and he was indeed a christian man by the time we married......8 years after meeting. MUCH prayer was done on my part, and that's all I did..........GOD DID THE REST! 
) 