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RE: Love for your partner? - 9/5/2008 7:40:08 PM
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nicole6598
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I wanted to bring this up again please. I need some advice, tips, encouragment etc on how to keep loving my partner when he is being unloveable, I am hoping those who have been in this situation can share how they got through.
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RE: Love for your partner? - 9/5/2008 11:10:59 PM
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nicole6598
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Laura when you quoted your hubby (who is he btw, ppl on here seem to know him) ohhh is he BroShane? What was he meaning by if the man isn't doing their part? So if the man isn't loving his wife as Christ does, what does that mean exactly? I was a little confused....
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Proud Aussie, Wife, Mother, Woman!
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RE: Love for your partner? - 9/5/2008 11:14:08 PM
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Nicole_Michelle
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Does it mean loving as in taking care of and being a spiritual head too?
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<-----Genevieve my new siberian dwarf hamster!
For the love of photography - my blog
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RE: Love for your partner? - 9/5/2008 11:25:08 PM
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nicole6598
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Yes it means that I think Nicole, but what does it mean for the wife if the man isn't do that? It seemed that it was saying she didn't have the moral obligation to submit to him
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RE: Love for your partner? - 9/6/2008 12:01:39 AM
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Nicole_Michelle
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Ohhhhh, I see what you're asking.
Yeah, that's a good question. Is the wife expected to kind of take that leadership role or what?
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~Nicole~
<-----Genevieve my new siberian dwarf hamster!
For the love of photography - my blog
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RE: Love for your partner? - 9/6/2008 12:32:01 AM
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Flintejae
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jumping here from SAHM.
I'm not sure who remembers my marriage 2.5 years ago. It was bad... really really bad. Physical abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, spiritual abuse, etc. I almost let an old flings interest end my marriage. The more i begged & pleaded for attention/love - the more he withdrew & the uglier i became. I started thread after thread 4 encouragement w/ hopes my fear of divorce would end and i could get a 'get out of marriage free card.'
What changed? and i truly mean a complete 180.... We both saw just how selfish and unloving we were as individuals.
We separated very briefly. I realized I COULD live without him, BUT I didn't Want to. [i was very codependant]
Jason realized he didn't Want to live w/o me. [he was very interdependant & had come to the point that he saw just how much he wanted me in his life vs. being so dep. on just himself] My marriage is a literal God breathed miracle.
Truly, now, I can't imagine my life without him - my greatest gift on this earth.
That and the false teaching of LORDSHIP was also exposed & replaced with selfless love.
< Message edited by Flintejae -- 9/6/2008 4:13:06 AM >
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- Janine
Jadon, 3/12/08. Thank You, Lord, for Your Amazing Miracles
 Moo!
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RE: Love for your partner? - 9/6/2008 12:48:02 AM
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spitzu
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Wow, Jae, I didn't know things were that bad for you.
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RE: Love for your partner? - 9/6/2008 7:49:44 AM
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3cappuccinosmom
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Jae--I remember. I am so, so glad you have such a beautiful testimony of healing and restoration (and a baby now!). 
quote:
I was the aggressor, but he was passive aggressive. He'd push ny buttons w/ silence or sarcastic meaness - cold shoulder. I'd react out of my core fear of abandonment & rejection which then he was the 'victim'.
Those are exactly the tendencies we (dh and I) have when we are relating "in the flesh". It's a really miserable combination--the two feed off each other in a big way.
{{{Nicole}}}
If it's hard to drum up the feeling of love, focus on the loving actions. And remember, you don't have to dignify *everything* he says with a response, rebuttal, or defense (I don't know if you are, just going on what I tend to do). When I know I'm being mean, but someone tries to argue me out of it, I'm inclined to lay the blame on them. If they don't respond, I can't distract myself from the fact that *I* am wrong. 
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Moo
Shameless Self Promotion~Christmas giveaway this week!
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RE: Love for your partner? - 9/6/2008 8:48:07 AM
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PrincessDonna
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quote:
Neither one of us would ever relive that time, but neither would we take it away.
whew - remembering all this makes me SEE just what God healed. The Lord CAN do it if both parties want it.
Awesome! And I would add that God can heal marriages even when only one party wants it initially. I don't know what changed in Brian that made him come home when we were separated. He wasn't saved then, but I am sure beyond doubt that God drew him home, started our healing, and THEN drew Brian to Himself.
Nicole, I echo what Maggie said. It may be impossible for you to feel love for your husband right now, but you can CHOOSE to show him love by your words and actions still. True love is much more than a feeling. The world wants us to think love is that twitterpated feeling we often have in the beginning. It's not. Love is 1 Corinthians 13. Read it. Meditate on it. Write it out and put it up places you will see it throughout the day. (I'm going to follow my own advice here...I need to be more loving too. God is never done working on us.)
I am sorry things are so hard for you right now. You do have choices though. Choices beyond leaving, although that may be what God wants you to do for a time...I won't pretend to know that.
Praying God's miraculous healing for your marriage, Nicole, and that you will be able to post your testimony here as Jae, Maggie, myself, and others have.
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<<-----------Brian + vacuum= sexy man!! 
He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
~Psalm 91:4~
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RE: Love for your partner? - 9/6/2008 9:43:51 AM
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isaacsmom
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I remember, Jae. I'm still amazed at what God has done in you and Jason today. Nicole, I am praying for you!
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<<< My littlest punkin'
*~*~*Rachel*~*~*
pirtlefarm.blogspot.com
Beware of posing as a profound person -- God became a baby. ~Oswald Chambers
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RE: Love for your partner? - 9/6/2008 9:59:58 AM
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Flintejae
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I echo everyone else. (I'm finally at a keyboard so I don't have to finger peck this time!)
Separation for a season can be a very good and healthy thing - Especially if there is abuse in the marriage! Love does Not mean you are to be a doormat or remain in a dangerous situation.
I remember being in your situation. I pouted, screamed, yelled - had daily tantrums at the unfairness of my life. Why did *I* have to be the one to show him LOVE? Ugh, I just wanted to spit that word out as I flowed out of my bitterness and rejection. He didn't deserve me! If he would just change and show me love... well, then maybe I could give him what I guess he deserved.
Showing your husband selflessness.... choosing to keep your mouth shut when you have a rebuttal - That is humility, hun. The more you fight for your 'rights' in the arguments - the less God can actually stand up and fight for You and your marriage. What I'm saying is... don't get in His way. Communicate with your husband!!! But, Constantly check your heart motive as you do.
I would like to point out the fact that your husband DID offer to watch him. He finally made that an option that morning, but You declined his offer. You didn't Let him be selfless at that moment. You felt you had to be super mom/super wife and told him to just go to bed. I am thinking that probably shut him down more because he finally gave you what you wanted - help - and you didn't want it. Can you see how that might frustrate him? Calling him every two hours (or texting) to point out your misery isn't going to enlighten him either because as you may be doing it in desperation... if your heart motive is to manipulate him to feel sorry for you and DO something... well, that's just going to shut him down. Does that make any sense?
_____________________________
- Janine
Jadon, 3/12/08. Thank You, Lord, for Your Amazing Miracles
Moo!
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RE: Love for your partner? - 9/6/2008 10:26:10 AM
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HisCovenant
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quote:
ORIGINAL: nicole6598
Yes it means that I think Nicole, but what does it mean for the wife if the man isn't do that? It seemed that it was saying she didn't have the moral obligation to submit to him
If you will look back at the quote, you will see that Shane is speaking about a woman nor sumbitting when it wouls cause her to "transgress the moral law." That means if your husband asked you to lie, steal, kill, commit adultery, etc you are released from submission in that one area; Having an imperfect husband is not an excuse to not be submissive at all in any area. The "problem" comes in the fact that we don't always know what a command from God is... is headcovering commanded? ...is abstaining from alcohol commanded? ...is baptizing infants a command from God? ...is using your spiritual Gift commanded?
That "transgress the moral law" idea is something that is difficult to prove from the Bible because it doesn't come in the form of a black and white command. However, the entire Bible intimates that we are to follow God and not to follow leadership of any sort that commands us to go astray from His way. Isreal was dinged time after time for sinning by following leaders who lead them to disobey God. In Acts, the apostles determine to follow God and preach His message instead of the leaders over them (who told them to not preach Christ and the cross.) Paul tells us repeatedly to submit to authorities, but to beware of false teachers and prophets and to only immitate those immitating Christ. That "transgress the moral law" idea is in the Bible.
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-HisCovenant/ Zipporah
My friends call me Zippy!
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RE: Love for your partner? - 9/6/2008 12:35:47 PM
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Ps103
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MODERATOR'S NOTE :: ATTENTION PLEASE
Please take the disucssion about submission to the Women's Role in the Home ONE-STOP THREAD.
Thanks!
Please do not reply to this message within the Community.
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Please do not send me PMs regarding this message.
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RE: Love for your partner? - 9/6/2008 3:09:59 PM
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FAWIHTT
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When I read the book from Gary Chapman The Five love Languages it really opened my eyes and I am getting ready to read it again. I didn't like what I saw was my part that I didn't think was my part you know i wanted everything to be his fault but it wasn't.
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God Has Blessed us to make us a blessing. Genesis 12:2
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RE: Love for your partner? - 9/6/2008 3:30:45 PM
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3cappuccinosmom
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Nicole, one other thought, since you are struggling with this.
As Christians, we are called to love and be loving no matter what. It doesn't matter how unfair it seems, or how difficult it is, or how much the other person is neglecting his responsibilities from God. That is part of our calling to become more Christlike.
But Christian love is not infatuation, or limited to romantic love, or a weak needy helpless kind of affection. If something needs to be addressed, you stand up and address it, respectfully and lovingly. If some action needs to be taken, you take it, if some word needs to be spoken, you speak it, but without vitriol or harshness.
_____________________________
Moo
Shameless Self Promotion~Christmas giveaway this week!
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RE: Love for your partner? - 9/7/2008 12:38:52 AM
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nicole6598
Posts: 4100
Joined: 11/3/2006
From: Australia
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Hi I finally got my mums computer to work,
thanks for sharing Jae, Iappreciate it.
Hubby is being very nasty to me, he won't even speak to me now. he is flying home tonight and is going straight from the show/fair he is at with my mum and grace and wasn;t even going to tell me. he says that my lack of sleep is silly, I need to train my body to deal with it. Its my fault that nath is the way he is, that i haven't done anything to help nath get sorted. At the hospital last night he sent me home and when he came home and told me what the doc said he said it as if "i told you were you hopeless". I told him i didnt agree with the doctor and he went off at me infront of my mum, he is swearing at me, saying horrible things. I have remained calm. Even in the drive down (4 hour drive) I lent over and held his hand in mine, he pulled away after a while. He sccreamed at me the whole time I was packing (spur of the moment) telling me to hurry up, but he didnt help me.
I am so worn out, we are both miserable.
I don't know what to do next. I think he needs to see someone too but he won't. Do I go away for a while and let him see what he is missing with his famiky? I want to stay with him, I know I can't do things on my own, I don't want to be a single mum like mine was., I feel so lost and confused and hurt. I am really not even in the mood to pray.
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Proud Aussie, Wife, Mother, Woman!
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