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RE: Why I rarely post in here - 8/21/2008 4:02:15 PM
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reach
Posts: 1339
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: online
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What is the process for when someone attacks you?
There have been times that I have said things and was diciplined by someone who is not a MOD. My feeling is, if someone feels what I said was out out line, then they should take me aside, send me a PM, and not attack me in a public forum.
It is also hard when the person in question is very obviously friends with the MOD.
I just wanted to know for the future, as I was very offended. I still post in the thread, but it was a long time before I did, and now I don't say anything that means anything because I don't want to be ripped apart.
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RE: Why I rarely post in here - 8/21/2008 4:03:52 PM
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moon_mouse
Posts: 378
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: CoeurdeLeon
I'm not one to report something that seems to be approved by a couple of Mods and I doubt others are either.
I used to do that too, assume that if it was bad enough to warrant a nudge the mod would have already done it. But, I've found that sometimes mods look at things with slightly different eyes when participating and when moderating. If you see something that doesn't look right, express your concerns. Sometimes they'll tighten down on it a bit if they know it's bothering someone. I think they'd rather steer the bus before it runs off the road, lol!
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RE: Why I rarely post in here - 8/21/2008 4:07:02 PM
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Consecrated2God
Posts: 4928
Joined: 4/4/2005
From: Formerly Jesus Land
Status: offline
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quote:
I'm not one to report something that seems to be approved by a couple of Mods and I doubt others are either.
Please report violations, even if you see mods posting in the thread and they haven't taken action. Mods don't catch everything and you might see something they missed. Remember, we're human beings too, and sometimes we can get caught up in a conversation and need to step back and look at with our "mod eyes".
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<--Plantation house in Louisiana
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RE: Why I rarely post in here - 8/21/2008 4:07:31 PM
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phosadaud
Posts: 10529
Joined: 9/19/2005
From: Washington State
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OK... took a while to get caught up... my lunch break is entirely too short...
First, I wanted to share a couple things for those who don't know me well.
I have extremely thick skin. It takes a lot to offend and I mean a lot. Pick on me all day long and I'll brush it off. However, start picking on someone else and watch out. I was like that even as a kid. So, I want to clarify that I was not personally offended by the thread I used as an example (and by the way, it was simply an example - there are many others I could use and many come from directly from this folder so I don't want people to get stuck on the airplane thread). What ticked me off was the behavior I saw in there that I have seen all too often.
As far as seeing it in other folders. Yes. Absolutely. I'm in a lot of those threads and I even have a strange perversion for "playing" with trolls. Some of you who know me, are laughing right now. Here's the thing though: In theology folders, many folks in there are not believers. There are also many trolls who like to stir things up. Plus, there are a number of posters who are simply dweebs. To me, that's easier to deal with.
So why did I come here to Womens? Because it's different here. Ladies come here for support and encouragement not a theological debate. They may ask a totally innocuous question and get ripped to shreds and left wondering what happened. I remember a few years back I was torn to shreds for asking saying that while it wasn't a requirement, I kinda hoped that I would marry a virgin so we could "explore" together when we married. You should have seen some of the accusations thrown against me for that! I was flabbergasted!
And that's what blew my mind yesterday. Someone getting attacked and accused of being a pervert and wanting mothers to starve their children simply by wishing that some ladies would cover with a blanket when they nursed on a crowded plane. Good gravy people! Whether I agree with that or not, what the heck? 
I guess my issue with this folder is that unlike the theo threads and stuff, it's easier for me and others (since apparently I'm not the only one who sees this) to brush stuff off because it's easier to ignore a certain poster we know is always a jerk or a certain thread because we know it's a hot button issue (politics, etc). When ladies come here, they post what they think is completely innocuous and get shredded to pieces and left wondering what hit them and why. Someone shared with me about a thread she started once and the flack she took for it. For the life of me, I couldn't comprehend what the problem was. It sounded like a really positive, uplifting thread. I even read it and still didn't get it.
OK, I know I'm going to get more flack for this, especially from those of you who think there is not problem or that this kind of behavior is ok because "everyone else does it", but I think a lot of women (not all) are masters of cutting people down. Men are more likely to call you names. Women are more likely to belittle you. Women are also more likely to wig out over stupid stuff and make excuses for it (sorry ladies, hormones are not an excuse for bad behavior).
And with women, it can often be hard to know where you stand. One minute, your female friend is patting you on the back and being all sweet, and the next minute, she's stabbing your heart because you see something a little different. To me, that's more offensive than a guy who's just a jerk, always a jerk and will always be a jerk. It's easier to deal with that than someone who is a chameleon.
Now, I know not all women are like this and many of you aren't! Many of you are wonderful, God-fearing women who exhibit the love of Jesus and the heart of the Proverbs 31 woman. I must admit that I'm not nearly to that point as I'd like to be, but I am honest and will confess that my behavior is not always what it should be and I apologize.
I will not apologize for my OP though because the PM's I have received and some of the comments in here have shown me that I am not alone in my thinking so apparently there must be at least a little something to what I've said whether some of you want to admit it or not.
I'm sorry if you some of you don't like my bluntness. I tend to post like a guy, I know, but I still think it needs to be said. There is a lot of hurt in this folder and my only prayer is that we all look into our hearts and maybe see that we all have contributed and need to grow up a little.
By the way: About a month ago, I was taking a tour of our local jail as I am working at getting into law enforcement. The Lt. giving the tour said that the correctional officers all agreed that the worst duty in the jail was working with the female inmates. They were catty, petty, snarky, and acted like they were still in junior high. Even the female officers much preferred working in the men's sections.
Maybe we ladies really do need to look at our hearts and listen to what comes out of our mouths a little closer?
_____________________________
~Kristin~
Resume Quotations: "Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word 'paranoia.' I prefer to elaborate privately."
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RE: Why I rarely post in here - 8/21/2008 4:09:18 PM
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Kath
Posts: 17217
Joined: 2/28/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
You aren't the only one who thinks it's odd. Those were some pretty ugly accusations. Completely false accusations. Do the people who made them only act that way in other folders?
We need to move on from this particular part of the topic, please.
Please everyone, don't bring it up again.
and as to mods, we do get caught up in threads too. Just because a mod is participating in a thread doesn't mean they noticed a TOS. Sometimes a thread is moving so fast they don't see all the posts, or just didn't notice it. You can still report posts in a thread a mod participates in.
< Message edited by Kath -- 8/21/2008 8:13:28 PM >
_____________________________
"It's going to be bad around here when the cows come home to roost."
Dilbert's TRUE QUOTES FROM INDUHVIDUALS
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RE: Why I rarely post in here - 8/21/2008 4:09:55 PM
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moon_mouse
Posts: 378
Status: offline
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Reach:
Here's how I handle it. The first thing I do is to ask for clarification, to make sure I haven't misunderstood the person's intentions. Then, if it continues, I report it. Trust me, the mods are pretty good about keeping discussions in line, even when the violating poster is a friend. If you aren't getting satisfaction that way, you can e-mail crosswalk management. I did that once, because I had serious concerns about something a moderator "nudged" that I thought should have been phrased in stronger language. Fritz agreed with me, and issued a stronger statement. I can't guarantee you'll always be satisfied. It might be a situation where you have just reacted emotionally, and you need to deal with it within yourself, but the mods and management are here to help, even if you don't fit the core demographic. Believe me, it didn't wasn't always that way, but it has improved significantly over the years.
Oh, BTW, I don't do PM's. I figure if someone has something they want to say to me, they can do it in "public". If they can't, then it doesn't need to be said.
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RE: Why I rarely post in here - 8/21/2008 4:11:36 PM
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Kath
Posts: 17217
Joined: 2/28/2005
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I have even gotten caught up in off topic discussions and had a mod come in and nudge everybody. Don't think that wasn't embarrassing!
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"It's going to be bad around here when the cows come home to roost."
Dilbert's TRUE QUOTES FROM INDUHVIDUALS
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RE: Why I rarely post in here - 8/21/2008 4:21:18 PM
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christsstar
Posts: 5090
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Kath
I have even gotten caught up in off topic discussions and had a mod come in and nudge everybody. Don't think that wasn't embarrassing!
I found that amusing.
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RE: Why I rarely post in here - 8/21/2008 4:27:39 PM
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isaacsmom
Posts: 1983
Joined: 12/2/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
So why did I come here to Womens? Because it's different here. Ladies come here for support and encouragement not a theological debate. They may ask a totally innocuous question and get ripped to shreds and left wondering what happened. I remember a few years back I was torn to shreds for asking saying that while it wasn't a requirement, I kinda hoped that I would marry a virgin so we could "explore" together when we married. You should have seen some of the accusations thrown against me for that! I was flabbergasted!
And that's what blew my mind yesterday. Someone getting attacked and accused of being a pervert and wanting mothers to starve their children simply by wishing that some ladies would cover with a blanket when they nursed on a crowded plane. Good gravy people! Whether I agree with that or not, what the heck?
I guess my issue with this folder is that unlike the theo threads and stuff, it's easier for me and others (since apparently I'm not the only one who sees this) to brush stuff off because it's easier to ignore a certain poster we know is always a jerk or a certain thread because we know it's a hot button issue (politics, etc). When ladies come here, they post what they think is completely innocuous and get shredded to pieces and left wondering what hit them and why. Someone shared with me about a thread she started once and the flack she took for it. For the life of me, I couldn't comprehend what the problem was. It sounded like a really positive, uplifting thread. I even read it and still didn't get it.
OK, gotcha.
quote:
OK, I know I'm going to get more flack for this, especially from those of you who think there is not problem or that this kind of behavior is ok because "everyone else does it", but I think a lot of women (not all) are masters of cutting people down. Men are more likely to call you names. Women are more likely to belittle you. Women are also more likely to wig out over stupid stuff and make excuses for it (sorry ladies, hormones are not an excuse for bad behavior).
And with women, it can often be hard to know where you stand. One minute, your female friend is patting you on the back and being all sweet, and the next minute, she's stabbing your heart because you see something a little different. To me, that's more offensive than a guy who's just a jerk, always a jerk and will always be a jerk. It's easier to deal with that than someone who is a chameleon.
I agree with you here.
quote:
By the way: About a month ago, I was taking a tour of our local jail as I am working at getting into law enforcement. The Lt. giving the tour said that the correctional officers all agreed that the worst duty in the jail was working with the female inmates. They were catty, petty, snarky, and acted like they were still in junior high. Even the female officers much preferred working in the men's sections.
Yes, this is generally true. My husband was an officer for years. The women are skeery. Eek!
I was really just caught off guard with this thread at first and not sure why this folder was targeted over any other. But I can see what you mean, and I've read the other thread in CE.
_____________________________
<<< My littlest punkin'
*~*~*Rachel*~*~*
pirtlefarm.blogspot.com
Beware of posing as a profound person -- God became a baby. ~Oswald Chambers
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RE: Why I rarely post in here - 8/21/2008 4:29:08 PM
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KuKu
Posts: 899
Joined: 5/20/2005
From: Somewhere out there
Status: offline
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One other thing reguarding the mods- they may simply not 'see' the post the way you are, and upon further explanation, read what you see- I have had that happen, and it was either handled in the thread, or 'on the side'- but they can't deal with what they don't realize is an issue.
Giving credit where credit is due, I have seen this some here, but a lot of the ladies that I used to leave a thread when they arrived have toned it down a notch in the last few years (I have been here longer than my profile says). It can still get snarky, rude, and borderline TOS, but most of the girls have learned to play nicely on most topics... though a thread like this makes it very clear that there is still room for improvement...
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I have run out of creative siggies. Please make up your own and give the credit to me.
Got it, Buddy? 
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RE: Why I rarely post in here - 8/21/2008 4:34:16 PM
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moon_mouse
Posts: 378
Status: offline
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I think one thing that has helped is that more OP's are being very specific about what they are looking for in a thread. For example, if a woman wants to hear other women's experiences with various forms of birth control, but doesn't want it to turn into a debate thread, she might say that she doesn't want comments about the moral status of various forms of BC, just your personal experience. Doing that makes it easier for mods to nudge a thread back on track.
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RE: Why I rarely post in here - 8/21/2008 4:43:44 PM
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CoeurdeLeon
Posts: 9503
Joined: 9/4/2005
From: Inside my head
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Kath
quote:
You aren't the only one who thinks it's odd. Those were some pretty ugly accusations. Completely false accusations. Do the people who made them only act that way in other folders?
We need to move on from this particular part of the topic, please. She is posting in this thread, already explained herself somewhat and said she would try harder.
Please everyone, don't bring it up again. Thanks.
and as to mods, we do get caught up in threads too. Just because a mod is participating in a thread doesn't mean they noticed a TOS. Sometimes a thread is moving so fast they don't see all the posts, or just didn't notice it. You can still report posts in a thread a mod participates in.
I apologize. I didn't think that it had been just one individual. But it's always very likely that I don't have my facts straight. My apologies to that individual, as well. 
My point, which was poorly made, was that, just as Phosy said, people crawl out of the woodwork to post in CE and Theo. You come to expect bizarre and hateful stuff there. From posters who are bizarre and hateful no matter where they are posting.
Call me an idiot but I expect something different in a folder full of Christian women.
But I AM going to use that "I come from a family of debaters" line the next time I feel like getting snarky.  
_____________________________
This morning I was awakened by the sound of purple
colliding with the fragrance of laughter.
Eutychus
10.13.08
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RE: Why I rarely post in here - 8/21/2008 5:32:50 PM
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MindySue69
Posts: 321
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Sideways
Some people will feel you are tearing them to shreds, just because you express yourself in less then a sugary-sweet manner.
And what does the Bible say about how we should "express ourselves?"
Colossians 4:6 Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer everyone.
I see it occasionally - people saying "I don't sugar coat anything, I tell it like it is..." but the Bible tells us to season our words toward one another, always being gracious, seasoning our words carefully.
Peter tells us to be gentle and tender-hearted to one another.
I don't know of any scripture that supports the "No sugar coating telling it like it is" attitude toward our brethren. The Bible does have a LOT to say about how horrid our tongues are and how important it is to control them.
And I think that would apply to our keyboards too.
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RE: Why I rarely post in here - 8/21/2008 6:39:03 PM
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OneOfHisJewels
Posts: 2549
Joined: 8/9/2007
From: California
Status: offline
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I have had my eye on this thread all day, and I have prayed about what to post here.
First of all I think we need to make a distinction between what is divisive and what is isn't, what is offensive, and what isn't.
I've seen some people in the past say that having a stay at home mom thread and a working mom's thread, and a breast feeding mom's and non breast feeding mom's thread, natural childbirth and non, etc, etc. are divisive. I don't think those things are divisive, to me, it's just a case of having different threads for different people's needs. Not every thread is for everybody, and most people don't have enough time to be involved in every thread anyway. I also don't mind as a single, childless person talking about family things, as those things interest me. However, I have been told once or twice (even though I never intended to say anything ungraciously) that my insight about something to do with parenting or birth control or something along those lines didn't "count," because I hadn't been there and done that. Most of the mothers on here have not been like that AT ALL and have been very welcoming and respectful of me, but something like that only has to be said once for it to hurt.
When I first came on here, I was in WO a lot, and not in singles much, and over time, there was a paradigm shift. Singles is a little intimidating at first, because there is such a sense of community, and one can feel shy as a "newbie," but once you get in the groove of things, it really is an all for one, one for all kind of place. Yes, people may disagree, but they disagree VERY GRACIOUSLY. I would love to see the same thing happen here.
Two last thoughts. Yes, it would be nice if a christian forum had more "grace," and in some ways it should, but a christian forum, of all places, should have people that understand that we are SINNERS, and there is not going to be any perfect poster or thread or post this side of heaven.
Secondly, I want to use an analogy. I've thought about this for a while. You know how there are so many different portals to this site? And we even have some choices in our formatting? That means we are all seeing the same words with different colors and in different formats. It is the same emotionally. We all see through the lenses of our own personal filters and life experiences. If we remember this, we can try and be careful not to take offense, and make an effort not to give it as well. I realize sometimes the BEST of intentions are misconstrued (believe me, I've been on the receiving end of that), but we can still try our best.
P.S. Sometimes my posts my lack a little coherency, because I work at home taking care of my disabled sister, so I have the blessing of being able to be on the forums and work at the same time. However, sometimes it means I'm feeding her with my right hand, and typing with my left, which sometimes makes it hard for things to come out just right. I am not saying this in response to any complaint, it just seemed liked it tied in, so here and now was a good place to explain that.
< Message edited by OneOfHisJewels -- 8/21/2008 6:52:19 PM >
_____________________________
"We basically use what I have seen referred to as "get off your butt" parenting. It employs more interaction, more redirection, more prevention, and usually less spanking."
-Mrs. Wifey
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RE: Why I rarely post in here - 8/21/2008 6:57:24 PM
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nicole6598
Posts: 4100
Joined: 11/3/2006
From: Australia
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: solo_soprano22
In some hot topic threads (and even some support threads here in women's), I really think the situation can be ameliorated, but can't be because no one wants to admit they might have said something wrong or in a way that was too harsh. I saw this happen earlier in the week here...and all that really came out of it is (in a nutshell), "I said it, and whatever way YOU take it is on YOU, not on me." I think it's a two-way street...and I know the people that say that are usually the ones who'll get up in arms if someone said something they didn't like and then told them that whatever way they feel is "on them." They don't like it, but turn around and tell all the other women to get over it and control their reactions. Right.
that is one of my biggest pet peeves. Happens to me a bit usually only from one or two people, but now that I am working my "blocked" button, wow, the peace I have now when I come on here 
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Proud Aussie, Wife, Mother, Woman!
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RE: Why I rarely post in here - 8/21/2008 7:03:50 PM
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nicole6598
Posts: 4100
Joined: 11/3/2006
From: Australia
Status: offline
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Oh, and I can't remember what Mod said it, but sometimes you do feel a bit silly when you have reported something and the mod says that in their opinion its fine. That's hard, its not easy to report someone, well not for me anyway, when I do it, it has to have really hurt me. But like it was pointed out earlier, some who are really up with the TOS know how to hurt someone without actually breaking any rules, yet you can't say anything to them, because then they will probably do you for a TOS! 
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Proud Aussie, Wife, Mother, Woman!
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RE: Why I rarely post in here - 8/21/2008 7:03:57 PM
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OneOfHisJewels
Posts: 2549
Joined: 8/9/2007
From: California
Status: offline
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quote:
And I have heard(directed at me) nasty things about me even going back to school.
And in IRL, when I was in my teens I was often verbally chewed out because at the time I wasn't college bound. People insisted I HAD to go because I had no man on the horizon, but college was NOT for me. A pre school certificate at a two year college maybe, but NOT the 4 year college. I knew it wasn't, but went anyway due to the pressure, and it started a big snowball of difficulties that still affect my life. I wish people would separate whether or not one should go to school from whether or not one is married. Its two separate issues. Being a scholar, or not is about the brains you have(or don't, as I didn't), and the work you are willing to do(or not), not whether you are married or not. God provides the right jobs for the right people, sometimes using their education, sometimes not.
Ryanne, if you want to go back to school, more power to you! I have every confidence you will continue to be a good wife and mom if you do. And I admire nurses. I could never be one, I would either forget to fill out charts or fill them out twice, and cause a whole lot of lawsuits.
And to round it back to topic, what kind of education each women did or didn't get, or plans to get, should also not divide us. God uses each life experience to bring a unique perspective.
< Message edited by OneOfHisJewels -- 8/21/2008 7:11:43 PM >
_____________________________
"We basically use what I have seen referred to as "get off your butt" parenting. It employs more interaction, more redirection, more prevention, and usually less spanking."
-Mrs. Wifey
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RE: Why I rarely post in here - 8/21/2008 7:26:24 PM
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Kath
Posts: 17217
Joined: 2/28/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
Secondly, I want to use an analogy. I've thought about this for a while. You know how there are so many different portals to this site? And we even have some choices in our formatting? That means we are all seeing the same words with different colors and in different formats. It is the same emotionally. We all see through the lenses of our own personal filters and life experiences. If we remember this, we can try and be careful not to take offense, and make an effort not to give it as well.
I like that.
_____________________________
"It's going to be bad around here when the cows come home to roost."
Dilbert's TRUE QUOTES FROM INDUHVIDUALS
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