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RE: Lack of good friends - 9/24/2008 7:42:16 PM
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denbert
Posts: 17631
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quote:
I'm really frustrated with the church guys because they seem too wrapped up in "church" to make time for anything else.
Yep
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The solution to a problem changes the problem
Denny
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RE: Lack of good friends - 9/25/2008 12:52:30 PM
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musicplayer
Posts: 10
Joined: 6/1/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Got2BTru
I've also noticed that most folks have extended family in the area and really don't need or have time for outside friends.
Yep- that's my wife. She comes from a large family so she never had to develop close friendships- her sisters are her close friends. This has made it doubly hard for me since I'm trying to connect with other guys when she doesn't perceive the need to do it.
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RE: Lack of good friends - 9/25/2008 8:36:39 PM
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flyboy2610
Posts: 95
Joined: 5/10/2005
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I, too, can relate to this.
It seems like I just can't connect to the guys at church. There is a weekly mens Bible study, held at 6:30 AM at a fast food place. I guess so you can feast on more than just the Word!  Problem is: I have to be at work at 7:00, so that's out. There were several people from church who helped us move, and that was much appreciated.
I had two close friends while I was growing up. One died from AIDS 13 years ago, and the other decided he no longer wanted to be my friend when I was in 7th grade, after accusing me of doing something I didn't do.
I recently discovered, through some Google work, the address and phone number fo a close friend from high school, whom I haven't seen in twenty five years. I'm going to send him a letter and see what happens.
I've made a couple of close friendships during adulthood. One of them I still see one a regular basis. The other cut off contact after I tried to show him the theological errors of The Way International, a cult group he belongs to.
Making friends is tough. Seems like keeping them is tougher.
_____________________________
If the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.
Red Green
If you're going to live like there's no hell..... you'd better be right.
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RE: Lack of good friends - 9/25/2008 11:10:15 PM
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rgsoundguy
Posts: 398
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Pottstown, PA
Status: offline
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Up until about a year ago, I was in the same boat. I had some guys that I would go and hang out with, play video games, music, etc. I thought that was "male bonding." After reading "Wild at Heart" and going on a Wild at Heart themed retreat. I realized that I was missing something. I soon started forming those deep relationships. When I can hug and cry with another man, I know it's deep. I realize where this lack of male companionship came from, it was that I never had a deep relationship with my dad. That of course set me down a path of surface relationships, including my relationship with Jesus. It was like, hey, thanks for saving me. I'm glad I'm not going to Hell now. Now I am developing and going deeper with that relationship. I still would like to go deeper in the relationship with my dad while he is still alive.
_____________________________
Albert Einstein said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. That convinces me that our nation is insane because we continually elect republicans and democrats expecting change and get none.
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RE: Lack of good friends - 9/26/2008 5:22:43 PM
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FindCaleb
Posts: 13
Joined: 5/11/2008
Status: offline
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Hey guys I saw your post and find it really interesting. I'm kind of in the same boat. 27, single, moved to a large city to pursue my career and find myself without close guy friends. Funny thing is I started thinking about this when I was 19 and in college.
I worked for a general handyman at the time. He was a 1-man operation and we spent most of our days just the 2 of us. Tough guy, ex-cop. Doesnt' really open up at all.
Then one friday we were cleaning up our tools and he asked me what I was up to this weekend. I said I was meeting up with some buddies to see a movie etc... He was pretty distant. His eyes kind of glazed over like he was really thinking about something. He said "I dont really have anyone to hang out with.
at the time it was awkward and I thought "I"m 19, your 47, I'm not hanging out with you!" But it stuck in my head.
I find myself now 27, single and in a city where I've become enveloped in my work. It didn't really make sense to me at the time, but now I understand how he feels. I think as men our sense of worth is pulled out of our work. our career. whether or not we are good providers. Whether or not we can make it in the world. This takes all our focus and one fine day we wake up and realize we are totally alone. We haven't put any time and effort into people at all.
I'm the same way. I'll ....maybe.... call someone to see if they want to hang out and if they say "no, I cant tonight" I give up and sulk because I'm alone! I'll be the first to say that in the last 4 years I haven't put real effort into people. And if they dont respond like I want immediately, I throw my hands up in the air and give up!
Women are different. They are relational. They thrive on their relationships and figuring each other out. If someone "can't make it tonight" they devise a plan to hang out the next night. I've been trying to challenge myself to work harder and stick with it more.
Really its like getting a locomotive moving. Very slow at first.
But things have been moving. I live in California and I joined a very small mens group at my church. I let the other guys know that I surf frequently and at first there was no takers... BAM! shot down! guess I'll give up... but I didn't, I stuck with it. Then one guy called on a sunday and asked if I wanted to go to the downtown library with him after church. He had to do pick up a book for his work (paralegal) and his wife is bored with stuff like that. I said I'd ride the subway down with him and check it out. Believe me this was not my 1st idea of fun on a sunday, but I thought I'll go with it.
We had a great time. The LA library is a fascinating building. There was a photography exhibit down there (which I love) and we checked that out and toured the building. He thanked me for coming and said that his wife is bored with stuff like that but he really enjoys the history of old buildings.
Then a week later he expressed interest in trying surfing (which i'd mentioned earlier). We made plans the next sunday afternoon and went surfing (his 1st time). It was freezing but we had a blast. Now one of the other guys from the group feels left out and wants to go to the beach this weekend. Hope it works out!
my point is stay with it. Thats what I'm challenging myself. Dont give up on building friendships if it doesn't work IMMEDIATELY. Its a locomotive and moves very slow at the beginning to get it into motion.
Frankly I think guys dont think enough about stuff like this. But it can be a KILLER later if you neglect it.
just my thoughts...
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RE: Lack of good friends - 9/27/2008 12:49:47 AM
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rgsoundguy
Posts: 398
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Pottstown, PA
Status: offline
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Thanks FindCaleb,
That was some pretty encouraging stuff. You pointed out that women are relational. Something very interesting is that God is relational. I think that we as men do have that tendency to be loners and that would lead to having a difficult time entering into a relationship with God. At least I know that is true of me. Maybe it's coincidence, or maybe it is a way to hone my skills, but when I stepped out and started to form those deep relationships with other men, my relationship with God also improved exponentially.
_____________________________
Albert Einstein said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. That convinces me that our nation is insane because we continually elect republicans and democrats expecting change and get none.
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RE: Lack of good friends - 10/7/2008 11:08:21 AM
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shoe
Posts: 48
Joined: 11/3/2005
Status: offline
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I appreciate everyone's comments. Perhaps I am not as odd as I first suspected! OK, lets not stretch it.
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RE: Lack of good friends - 10/18/2008 11:13:08 AM
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Concerto
Posts: 183
Joined: 10/20/2006
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I'll admit it...beyond my wife, I have no real "friends." Just a sign of the times I suppose....I think many people mistakenly identify acquaintances as friends. I know it takes work to have a good friendship..but, it is a two-way street. One person who does all the work...well, that is not a real friendship in my opinion. Basically, we are wrapped up with work, wrapped up with wife and maybe kids..and beyond that, not much time for anything else. Just making time to work out...and do Bible study is a challenge...
C
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RE: Lack of good friends - 10/18/2008 1:26:35 PM
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redeemedsaint
Posts: 504
Joined: 12/5/2005
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I am fortuante enough to have a few close friends who I can really confide in. I have a David/Jonathan type of relationship with this one guy and it is great to have. Get involved in a Bible Study group and see what develops. You have to make the time.
_____________________________
Woody
Get off the track cause the freight train is coming - Coach Bobby Lee Duke from Facing the Giants
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RE: Lack of good friends - 10/29/2008 9:02:29 PM
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admiralnasmith
Posts: 21
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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something I have always struggled with
I live in Arkansas now, still wondering what to do.
pm me if you have an answer
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RE: Lack of good friends - 10/30/2008 7:42:44 AM
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Blackrock
Posts: 11
Joined: 10/21/2008
From: Arizona
Status: offline
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I guess I am lucky as I have three real close friends. And yes guys do get closer by doing things together. Two of them are guys I do missionary work in Mexico with and the other we have done all kinds of things together but mainly cooking for large Church group activitys, stuff like Church Camp and Weekend Retreats.
Then I have a bunch of friends (LDS) in our little community where I was on the VFD with them for 20+ years. I guess I have several groups of friends because I do a lot of different activitys. And a lot of these friends cross paths through all the stuff we do together. If you want friends you gotta get off your donkey and get involved in things.
Church buddys
Fire Dept guys
Trap Shooting gang
Immediate neighbors
Car, Truck and Tractor mechanic brothers
Only friend I don't really miss are my drinking buddys although I do see some now and then and pray for them as I have been sober for 17 years now.
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RE: Lack of good friends - 10/30/2008 3:06:21 PM
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Teaching_The_Way
Posts: 58
Joined: 4/18/2006
From: Teaching The Way Ministries
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: musicplayer
I'm happily married, love my job, and keep very busy with work and family. The other day my wife and I were talking about her possibly taking the kids out of town early for a few days while I continued to work. Then it dawned on me.... I really don't have any good friends that I can simply call up and hang out with. It is not that I don't know anyone- I know lots of people, and I'm pretty friendly- just don't have any close friends. I've tried inititating some things over the years- lunches, dinners with spouses, but no one ever seems to reciprocate. SO right now, the only close people in my life are my family. Is something wrong here or is this the way it is these days?
Good friends? Whats that? I have a hard time trying to find a good/serious Christian guy friend that doesnt (flirt-other things) with my wife, even in church. You can tell when a guy flirts with your women. I am not a jealouse type at all. My wife is very faithful and true.
But beware who shakes your hand, later he may try to get a bit to close to your wife. Theres a lot of lust out there even in the churches. :(
But finding a good friend that stays away from your wife, well Miracles does happen.
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http://teachingtheway.net/
If our opinions does not line up with
the scriptures, then our opinions are
dead wrong! Gods words are more important
than our opinions!
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RE: Lack of good friends - 10/31/2008 9:43:58 AM
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mrtigger
Posts: 300
Joined: 4/12/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Teaching_The_Way
But beware who shakes your hand, later he may try to get a bit to close to your wife. Theres a lot of lust out there even in the churches. :(
But finding a good friend that stays away from your wife, well Miracles does happen.
How do you handle the situation of a guy at church flirting with your wife? Is there actually a way to resolve that situation well?
I know this is going a bit off topic...
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mr tigger
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RE: Lack of good friends - 11/1/2008 4:33:53 PM
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shoe
Posts: 48
Joined: 11/3/2005
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I wouldn't have any problem squelching any inappropriate behavior from some guy flirting with my wife. We don't seem to have that problem at our church just because we have such an older age congregation and we're among the one or two younger couples. And most of those guys are not church goers. So, that kind of relates back to the original post.
I have found that I have a friend at church who seems to be "trying" to hard to be a "friend". Sometimes it feels as though I am being drilled with questions that a "normal" guy wouldn't ask all at once. Granted he is a seminary student and may consider it practice to ask questions. I don't know, but it becomes awkward.
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RE: Lack of good friends - 11/1/2008 5:07:39 PM
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mrtigger
Posts: 300
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: shoe
I wouldn't have any problem squelching any inappropriate behavior from some guy flirting with my wife.
But how would you do that well? By well, I mean all of the following happen:
a) The guy acknowledges he was flirting or at least admits getting more friendly than is proper.
b) He knocks it off
c) The conflict is peacably resolved and you still retain him as a friend.
I've found flirty people are pretty difficult to deal with. Confronted, they usually get in a huff and say they were just being friendly and that others are nuts for thinking otherwise. A confrontation, and lost friendship, is easy to be had in that but I've never been able to resolve that situation well. Even with church people.
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mr tigger
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RE: Lack of good friends - 11/30/2008 9:49:29 PM
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admiralnasmith
Posts: 21
Joined: 4/12/2005
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I live in a small town in Arkansas.
Anyone in this area willing to be friends? PLEASE PM ME!
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RE: Lack of good friends - 11/30/2008 10:28:20 PM
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gcsmithjr
Posts: 27
Joined: 11/23/2008
Status: online
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I'm fortunate that I have a couple of fairly close guy friends but it's definitely something that I've had to work at, and with my job, my kids and everything else that's going on there are times when a month flies by and I realize we haven't even talked. I actually put notes on my calendar to remind myself to call them, schedule time for lunch, etc. - if I don't force myself to make the time it just doesn't happen.
It definitely takes an intentional effort to keep guy relationships going. I think women - particularly those who have kids - rely on one another for advice and support in dealing with the day-to-day challenges of motherhood, for guys, we don't need the same support in our jobs (and I think most of us are more focused on work), so we wake up one day thinking "whatever happened to old what's his name...").
I laughed about some of the comments about church guys - I'm actually an elder in our church but have never connected with any of the men's ministry stuff. It does seems like they either start at 6:30 in the morning or involve camping and shotguns. I think the guy who organizes our men's ministry read Wild at Heart one too many times so we're stuck in some bad City Slickers parody.
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RE: Lack of good friends - 12/2/2008 8:04:17 PM
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HoosierMusicLover
Posts: 103
Joined: 10/3/2008
From: Where I hang my bootstraps :)
Status: offline
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I've had the pleasure of reading thru and enjoying all of the comments here. I woke up about a year ago and realized I had friends but we've all gone our separate ways and don't even know where each other are anymore. The closest friend I have is living on the other side of the country, and at least we keep in touch but aside from a great vacation to visit him this summer that's about. Life has just put us in two different paths, although our conversations are good it's just not what it was.
rgsoundguy, you said something that really moved me. While I've pretty much been in a desert situation until recently one relationship I've had that has really grown has been one with my dad. I can't point to when it changed but I look back on where we were just a couple of years ago and it is so much different, not just a father-son but a man to man relationship which is really cool. I'm only a couple months away from hitting the big 4-0 so this is really precious to me, you never know what the future will bring.
I love the Wild at Heart book myself, but as much as that woke up part of me that was asleep too long I would rather have a real band of brother(s) in my life. Not just a manual from a book that says this is how it has to be. Each life and outlook is different, but I think it's a combination of today's disease of being too busy, and not enough men (and women) being real and honest. It seems we're too busy not offending each other to find out who we ourselves are, much less the guy sitting next to us at work, a bible study, the Colts game, etc.
I pray that God has turned a corner for me, as I've recently met a group of men who have accepted me into their group as one of them, and I feel free to open up and share and be real with them. It seems things have gone in seasons for me and I don't know how long this one will last but I'm going to be thankful for it as long as it does. Thank all of you for your great responses and conversations. God bless!
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Lord, come quickly.
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