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Sally_G -> Single - How Do You Deal With ... (8/13/2008 9:15:41 PM)

Hi,

I'm a single woman in her 30s. I've never been married and am a virgin. When I was in my 20s, being single was not a problem. But recently (maybe within the past year or so) it is as if my "drive" is going into overdrive - if you know what I mean. I just want to connect with someone "physically" (how's that for a euphemism?) most of the time. I have no boyfriend, no husband is in sight - so I know that right now I have to just exercise control. But to be honest, there are many times when I just want to (and do) cry because I want my husband so much.

I need to know how other women really handle this. I am praying and praying for a husband, but to be honest - I don't know if this is going to happen for me any time soon. I'm not only praying for a husband only for the physical aspect because I am aware that there is way more to marriage than that, but I feel that I'm ready for the other pieces that come along with marriage - but then again perhaps I'm not (God only knows). While I generally don't mind being single because there are lots of great things - there is so much going on in my life right now that I could never do if I were married - I really love my life now - but this thing is killing me.

Anyway, I don't want to post this in the singles folder (I don't think we can discuss this stuff there anyway and I only want responses from women), but would really like some advice from single women (or even married women who were single for a while and had to deal with this). How do you handle this type of temptation? Thanks!



acknwldgeverygdthing -> RE: Single - How Do You Deal With ... (8/13/2008 9:27:22 PM)

Hello
I've got the Singleness itch (hows that?) too.
As a Nurse, I wonder how your health is?
Not as an excuse to go out and be a wild child, but sometimes high testosterone can boost the libido quite a bit. High testosterone can be caused by some health problems. PCOS comes to mind.



Sally_G -> RE: Single - How Do You Deal With ... (8/13/2008 9:35:24 PM)

Thanks acknwledgeverygdthing,

Yes, "Singles Itch" is a great euphemism :) I don't know how high my testosterone level is. What is PCOS? The last time I visited the doctor I was fine - but it feels like someone clicked on a switch and all of a sudden I'm just "itching all over the place" but there is nothing I can do about it. Guys are kind of noticing too - it is like I'm putting something invisible out and I'm desperately trying to cover it up - but I'm not always successful. I really hate this.

I try to avoid anything that would spark my imagination - but the other day I was watching an innocent movie (it was bollywood so they are very clean - they don't even kiss one another) and a guy came out of the water running on the beach and his shirt was off (sigh). I could see this before and would be mildly affected, now it just reminds me that I can't do anything about this. This is horrible and I hate this. I feel like I had the gift of singleness and celibacy and all of a sudden, it has been taken away. So, even though I'm enjoying being single, I keep feeling like I need my husband to find me soon so I don't get into trouble. God is keeping me, but this is really difficult.

How can I deal with this?



p31woman -> RE: Single - How Do You Deal With ... (8/13/2008 9:40:20 PM)

I married 4 months ago at 35. Although I wasn't a virgin, I did remain celibate for 5 1/2 years before marriage.

Your drive is perfectly natural and healthy. As far as what you can do without an outlet for your desires, my random thoughts are:

- masturbation is a hotly debated subject among Christians, but I believe it is a matter of faith for each believer since G-d's word is silent on the issue. I believe it can be done without sinning, in moderation, and can be a great blessing for the single person. (Some good articles on the subject HERE.)

- avoid watching, reading, or listening to things that "fan the flames" when possible. For me that included things that turned me on physically AND things that made me depressed about being single (like romantic movies).

- do keep crying out to G-d and trusting in Him to give you the grace to get through the tough times. He will sustain you day by day-- even if you never marry. [:)]

ETA - definitely keep praying for a husband, too! [:D]



acknwldgeverygdthing -> RE: Single - How Do You Deal With ... (8/13/2008 10:03:35 PM)

and not to forget that we have an intimacy drive for a reason. Maybe it is time for you to take a proactive approach in finding a mate? E-Harmony?
[8D]
Pcos(polycystic ovarian syndrome) is multiple eggs bursting from the ovary (simplistic explanation). Abnormal hair growth, irregular cycles and pre-diabetes are a few of the symptoms.



Sally_G -> RE: Single - How Do You Deal With ... (8/13/2008 10:46:35 PM)

p31woman - Thanks for the advice. I'll definitely keep praying for a husband and it is nice to hear of someone who is around the same age who has just gotten married :) I try to be very careful about things that turn me on physically - but haven't stopped watching some of the romantic movies. I try to watch what is clean, but it is still a struggle, where it wasn't before. Yes, I'll keep trusting God concerning the tough times - I don't know what will happen if I never marry (I don't even want to think about it).

acknowledgeeverygdthing - I've just started to be more proactive, but kind of put that on the back burner because there were some things that I wanted to accomplish. But I don't think that I'll be able to wait until I'm done before I start looking again (or better put, to make myself available). I've never heard of PCOS - thanks for sharing it with me. I don't have those symptoms, with the exception of some hair growing in places where it shouldn't (but that secret is between me and Nair :) It is something to think about.

These were all good suggestions - I welcome more. Thanks ladies :)



clag4christ -> RE: Single - How Do You Deal With ... (8/14/2008 6:10:20 PM)

quote:

Pcos(polycystic ovarian syndrome) is multiple eggs bursting from the ovary (simplistic explanation). Abnormal hair growth, irregular cycles and pre-diabetes are a few of the symptoms.


It's not multiple eggs bursting from the ovary...that is hyper ovulation. It can and does most of the time include insulin resistance (which makes carbohydrates a thing that should be eaten in small quantities) that can contribute to excess weight gain in a short time span and then the inability to lose that weight, but not necessarily (my SIL has 'thin' PCOS), some abnormal hair growth (like facial hair), hair loss on the head (not balding), irregular mestrual cycles (either missing cycles, or too much bleeding), and ovarian cysts...it's a metabolic disorder...



acknwldgeverygdthing -> RE: Single - How Do You Deal With ... (8/15/2008 10:57:58 AM)

there is thread somewhere about PCOS---- I have misplaced it ......
*goes away to look*



JJB1222 -> RE: Single - How Do You Deal With ... (8/15/2008 6:37:15 PM)

First of all...You deserve a round of applause. I think it is awesome that you have kept your purity so long and diligent in keeping it that way.

Speaking from someone who did the dating scene a little too much, if you know what I mean, I know how easy temptation can be. It's everywhere! You're smart to avoid that stuff if you can.

I would also like to suggest the online dating thing... Christian Cafe



sharonjef2007 -> RE: Single - How Do You Deal With ... (8/17/2008 4:34:03 PM)

Oh...one other point to mention.....Aren't we women hitting our "sexual primes" in our late 30's, early 40's? Perhaps that is part of the itch too.

And, as someone who has not always been so pure and who is not a virgin, giving in and then trying to be celebate again is sooooooo much harder because you know what you are missing!



Sally_G -> RE: Single - How Do You Deal With ... (8/17/2008 11:30:35 PM)

Thanks everyone for the encouragement! JJB1222 - I haven't dated a whole lot and I think that I've been able to maintain purity because God didn't really bring a lot of people across my path. Otherwise, I probably would have given into temptation a long time ago. While I'm glad that I haven't done anything, it makes me feel like an oddball much of the time to be a virgin at this age. Thanks for the link to Christian Cafe - I'll check it out!

SharonJef2007 - I agree with you that the "prime" years are here and that is probably adding to this. I'm trying to get through this and I've updated my profile on one of the dating services so we'll see how that works out.

Thanks to everyone for the encouragement. I'd love to know - practically - how some of you handled it - especially those who have been single for a while before you were married or those of you have had to be celibate for other reasons (maybe your mate was ill or far away). I don't want a lot of detail to avoid having problems with TOS - but tips or things to avoid/do will help me a lot. Thanks!



ColoradoLady36 -> RE: Single - How Do You Deal With ... (8/18/2008 10:28:45 PM)

Bless your heart sweetie. I was divorced just over a year ago at 35 yo, and I do really understand what you are feeling. It's crazy how our bodies react as we hit this age. But I am so thankful to God that you have been strong in your faith and have been able to remain pure for your husband. I agree with the other posters, God has a wonderful plan for you. As a matter of fact, I am considering checking out the website listed here. Though I do want to remarry one day, I don't believe it is in God's plan that that happen now. So until such time, all I can do is to prepare myself for that and enjoy being single and all that goes with it. Thanks guys for posting the websites. Stacey



BlessedAngel1983 -> RE: Single - How Do You Deal With ... (8/20/2008 12:27:33 AM)

I'm a single almost 25 year old and I know all too well the "singles itch". I know nature is going to happen and some times are harder than others. I understand the watching a movie, seeing a commercial, or reading something in a book or magazine. I know its going to get harder the longer I wait.

Heres my thing: When a man is near you or bumps you accidently does it feel like your skin is going to explode?



ColoradoLady36 -> RE: Single - How Do You Deal With ... (8/20/2008 7:32:03 AM)

Lol..I'm sorry that I had to laugh at that Angel. Honey we were blessed with millions of nerve endings. You are completely normal when you say it feels like your skin is going to explode. God gave us those nerves for a reason. As humans, he created us to touch and to be touched. Touch is so important in us, it feeds us and enables us to feel alive. You ever go to the hairstylist and as they are shampooing your hair, you get that "ahhh this is wonderful" feeling? I sure do...lol. There is nothing like it. That's why hugs are so important, it's the connection in it. Which is why we only hug people we give a darn about. I can't imagine hugging someone I could care less about. Maybe one day though..lol. So you are normal hon. Embrace what God has created in your body, be thankful and patient. God will provide you with someone special in his time.



BlessedAngel1983 -> RE: Single - How Do You Deal With ... (8/20/2008 11:37:26 PM)

It just seems strange sometimes. Especially when its one of those times that it shouldn't be happening at all. Touch is one of those things I guess I miss the most out of being in a relationship.



StraightAhead -> RE: Single - How Do You Deal With ... (8/26/2008 10:58:36 PM)

Sally G - I'm with you on this! Not easy [:o]!

One thing that helps me: I partner dance and take lessons (group lessons) regularly - I dance West Coast swing which is a smooth sassy dance that is not overly romantic (not dirty - keep in mind ANYTHING can be made bad if you try). Other swing dances are more "bouncy" in nature (East Coast Swing/Jitterbug, Lindy Hop [not as bouncy as the name implies] ) but they keep you active and moving, yet connected (dance term) to a partner (one way to get the need for touch met). They (swing dances) don't require that you have your own partner and folks actually will travel to other cities just to swing dance with other folks from that city. Salsa dancing is also fun too, flirty, sassy, can be romantic but not too much since it is fast paced. This dance though is more club based based so it's not as easy (IMHO) for a Christian single woman to simply go out alone just to dance. I usually go to dance studio salsa dances because I'm not comfortable going to a salsa club alone (my friends just aren't into dance). The swing dances seem "safer" for a woman without a partner IMO.

I agree with P31woman's post, every bit of it [;)] (don't want to get in trouble with TOS [:)]). In addition to not watching or listening to things that do "fan the flames", I'll add to that anything that depresses you and makes you hopeless instead of hopeful and yet grounded in truth/reality. I think we all have different degrees of what affects us. For me even the Jane Austen stuff just makes me think about the fact I don't generally seem to have prospects/suitors! Some dances like waltzes, night club 2 step and blues dancing are just too romantic/intimate for me and I don't enjoy them because they don't reflect my current reality, it's depressing instead. To others it may not be a big deal but to me it is! Something to think about. Find the right balance. Definitely don't deny who you are as a woman, yet don't deliberately torture yourself by being continually exposed to what you don't have.

Hang in there! You are not alone in this! [:)]



Sally_G -> RE: Single - How Do You Deal With ... (9/3/2008 1:32:33 AM)

quote:

ColoradoLady36 wrote:

But I am so thankful to God that you have been strong in your faith and have been able to remain pure for your husband. I agree with the other posters, God has a wonderful plan for you.



Thanks for the encouragement ColoradoLady36. It doesn't feel like there is any wonderful plan for me, just a bunch of meaningless torture. But, with my brain and my spirit, and sometimes in my emotions I just choose to trust God. He recently answered a prayer request that I had for the past 10 years - suddenly - just like that. I only have this one outstanding request left now. Usually God answers my prayers - really really quickly too. I am absolutely amazed. Most of my prayers are answered with a "yes." I feel like I have favor with God, if that makes sense. But this one prayer is always met with "wait". I try very hard not to get discouraged - and I guess I could see God not granting a husband if I were sleeping around - but I'm not and there seems to be no reward - you know? It is very demoralizing. But then again, marriage isn't a prize for being good - it is a state that God calls you to when He feels that for His purposes, it will be better than being single.

quote:

StraightAhead wrote:
One thing that helps me: I partner dance and take lessons (group lessons) regularly - I dance West Coast swing which is a smooth sassy dance that is not overly romantic (not dirty - keep in mind ANYTHING can be made bad if you try). Other swing dances are more "bouncy" in nature (East Coast Swing/Jitterbug, Lindy Hop [not as bouncy as the name implies] ) but they keep you active and moving, yet connected (dance term) to a partner (one way to get the need for touch met). They (swing dances) don't require that you have your own partner and folks actually will travel to other cities just to swing dance with other folks from that city. Salsa dancing is also fun too, flirty, sassy, can be romantic but not too much since it is fast paced. This dance though is more club based based so it's not as easy (IMHO) for a Christian single woman to simply go out alone just to dance. I usually go to dance studio salsa dances because I'm not comfortable going to a salsa club alone (my friends just aren't into dance). The swing dances seem "safer" for a woman without a partner IMO.


Dance lessons are great! But I am at the point where just being around men that I am attracted is difficult. So dancing ... touching a man - even holding a hand ... even swing dancing might be too much for me. (I think only jewish dancing would be safe for me since men dance together and women dance together). Like today, there was a guy I met who was soooo attractive. He kept talking with me - checking me out a bit - doing a little flirting. I talked back - didn't flirt but was friendly and I tried to show a bit of interest without being too forward. But I don't know his character. Then there is another guy that I've really liked for a little while. (I like his character and he is so cute!). I sat by him today and he started a conversation with me; we spoke briefly. I don't think he likes me though - although he always seems happy to see me (but it could be because I'm usually friendly and happy). Then there is another attractive guy - but he's married so he is off limits. At one time, I had a little switch inside of myself - I could see a man who was married and could switch my attraction off. I can't do that anymore. So I limit my conversations with married men that I'm attracted to (or even the ones I'm not attracted to - out of respect for their wives). Or who I think are attracted to me (I'm not about to be a homewrecker). Then there is another guy who is also attractive, single, and forever chatting with me - but he is just a friendly guy to everyone.

Anyway - it is like a second adolescence or something. But I've never been like this - that all of these guys are turning my head in this way. And the physical attraction - oh my goodness - it has never been like this for me on this scale. Of course, now I'm also around a lot of men who I find attractive (not before). I think this is why I've been able to maintain purity - because when I was younger, I didn't battle like this. Now ... I'm not sure if I could maintain purity if someone really pressed me on it. I used to be able to hug men - no problem. I can't do that anymore - so I do the side shoulder hug thing. I meet with a small mixed-sex group once a week. I do not hug the men - only the women. I talk with the men over the course of the evening, but nothing too long. They notice too because everybody is always hugging and I don't (I just wave or do the side hug thing). Again - I'm super careful with married guys - I'm nice but not too nice. I really hate this. It is a struggle - a battle to maintain the distance needed to keep pure in my thoughts and everywhere else. And it is like, guys are totally sensing this - whatever this is - that is being put out there. No one is approaching me inappropriately because I'm holding the men at "arms length" but they are approaching me and they are seeing this thing in me.

I love the rest of my life and don't focus on this all of the time. But this is the one miserable part that I have to deal with -



StraightAhead -> RE: Single - How Do You Deal With ... (9/3/2008 2:04:51 AM)

Sally - it's understandable to have boundaries in how you hug or don't hug men. I do the side hug thing most of the time. A lot of guys have these boundaries too. Definitely don't beat yourself up over it. When it comes to my own dancing, it just happens most of the time the men are either too old or too young for me and I am not attracted to them. That helps keep the dance as simply a release for me - great exercise so much better than going to the gym.....Wow, where are you meeting so many good looking guys [sm=icon_smile_tongue.gif][;)]????



Sally_G -> RE: Single - How Do You Deal With ... (9/3/2008 2:58:22 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: StraightAhead

Sally - it's understandable to have boundaries in how you hug or don't hug men. I do the side hug thing most of the time. A lot of guys have these boundaries too. Definitely don't beat yourself up over it. When it comes to my own dancing, it just happens most of the time the men are either too old or too young for me and I am not attracted to them. That helps keep the dance as simply a release for me - great exercise so much better than going to the gym.....Wow, where are you meeting so many good looking guys [sm=icon_smile_tongue.gif][;)]????


Hi StraightAhead! Yes - the side hug thing is a godsend! Good idea to dance with men who are too old or too young. I'm meeting these guys at work. There are lots of single guys who saved. (People get married here a lot. I've never seen anything like it.) I recently changed career fields - before I used to work with a lot of guys who were more geeky. I like smart guys a lot, but there was rarely any chemistry on my part. A few weeks ago I switched to a totally different career field that attracts a lot of different people - particularly a lot of people in their 20s and 30s. It is also the type of field where appearance is important. So ... I'm meeting a lot of good looking, single, christian men who are young. (I feel like I've gone to heaven.) I don't know if I will eventually meet my husband here (it would be great if I did), but trying to maintain is most definitely a challenge.



StraightAhead -> RE: Single - How Do You Deal With ... (9/11/2008 9:48:03 PM)

Good looking, single AND saved men *shock*....LOL.

Sounds like these are GREAT changes indeed.......just keep watch on yourself. Definitely the changes seem to be there to further refine the fruit of self-control [;)]. Other women would LOVE to work in this type of environment.


quote:

ORIGINAL: Sally_G

I'm meeting these guys at work. There are lots of single guys who saved. (People get married here a lot. I've never seen anything like it.) I recently changed career fields - before I used to work with a lot of guys who were more geeky. I like smart guys a lot, but there was rarely any chemistry on my part. A few weeks ago I switched to a totally different career field that attracts a lot of different people - particularly a lot of people in their 20s and 30s. It is also the type of field where appearance is important. So ... I'm meeting a lot of good looking, single, christian men who are young. (I feel like I've gone to heaven.) I don't know if I will eventually meet my husband here (it would be great if I did), but trying to maintain is most definitely a challenge.



Sally_G -> RE: Single - How Do You Deal With ... (10/11/2008 2:34:54 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: StraightAhead
Good looking, single AND saved men *shock*....LOL.
Sounds like these are GREAT changes indeed.......just keep watch on yourself. Definitely the changes seem to be there to further refine the fruit of self-control [;)]. Other women would LOVE to work in this type of environment.


Yes, it is nice. But I have to be very careful. There is a man who has been really friendly with me. He is married - so I've done the whole keep him at arms length thing. (He was always trying to talk to me - but he is friendly in general). Anyway, a few weeks ago, he starts telling me about his wife and how unhappy he is in the marriage, wants to get a divorce etc. etc. etc. Can you say red flag? So, I started talking to him about the Lord and about how God hates divorce. And I started suggesting that they go to see a marriage counselor who is Christian. I told him that I'd be praying for his marriage. And since I'd met his wife (they looked happy together when he introduced me to her) I periodically ask about her and have found complimentary things to say about her (she's really pretty and stylish too). That pretty much froze a lot of the conversation - it was very effective.

Anyway, move forward a few weeks, and I'm doing a presentation with a group. It is emotional and I cry during it as do others. Each time, he is right next to me and trying to comfort me/hug me. The first time, I thought - well - I was emotional, it could be a coincidence. The next time, I was like ... wait a minute - what with all of this hugging and hand holding? While I don't think that he is making a move on me - he is probably just responding to the emotion - but I do know that the bible does say to avoid the appearance of evil. So now I'm going to arrange for someone else to be with me in advance (probably another woman) so that if I am emotional, I have someone who can help me.

I hope the Lord sends me a husband pronto. I've tried online dating and have a few guys who are interested in me. At work there is at least two (one that I'm not interested in - the other is the married guy). There is one other that might be (he's single and seems to be a great guy). And there might be one other (I'm not quite sure). This is really difficult.



josie423 -> RE: Single - How Do You Deal With ... (10/11/2008 8:14:39 AM)

Sally, I just wanted to say good job handling the situation with the married man! I hope he works things out with his wife!



Sally_G -> RE: Single - How Do You Deal With ... (10/11/2008 8:42:49 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: josie423
Sally, I just wanted to say good job handling the situation with the married man! I hope he works things out with his wife!


I hope so too. It is difficult because I can see times when he is sad about things, but as a single woman, it would be unwise for me to become any type of confidant with him on those things. So I'm praying that the Lord will send a man who will be able to come alongside him and help him with whatever is happening. A lot of women are quite forward today when it comes to approaching men - and they approach the men I work with quite often. My prayer is that he will not fall into temptation with anyone, but will rather work through the issues that he has with his wife.



josie423 -> RE: Single - How Do You Deal With ... (10/11/2008 8:13:04 PM)

I certainly hope he doesn't give in to the temptation either! From the behavior you described, it sounds as though things could easily lead to an affair [:(] (if you weren't the Godly women you seem to be!).

You are right about how forward some women are. Many need no encouragment and care little about the sanctity of marriage. It's so sad.

Keep up the good work and keep praying against temptation yourself. I'm not single anymore, but I remember those days...



StraightAhead -> RE: Single - How Do You Deal With ... (10/11/2008 8:29:05 PM)

Hi Sally - great idea to have a woman be with you (NOT him, ever) during the presentations just in case you need someone to be there for you. I think you already know that the married man situation is a HUGE RED FLAG. Definitely don't want not even the appearance of any kind of relationship. Any single man or woman could wonder about your character if you appeared to have a close relationship with a married man. No matter how strong a believer someone is, everyone is vulnerable to get snared in the most subtle way into something that seems innocent only to go further than the believer ever wanted to go. Pray for wisdom for a course of action to follow ahead of time to ensure you are not snared in any way.



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