Married with Kids (Full Version)

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hispen -> Married with Kids (8/12/2008 5:11:21 PM)

Married women om Christ, after God, who's most important in your lives? Your husband or your kids and why?



csl7037 -> RE: Married with Kids (8/12/2008 5:26:55 PM)

That's not an answerable question.



deermousie -> RE: Married with Kids (8/12/2008 6:15:27 PM)

My kids are secondary to my husband, but in an emergency situation I'd rescue the helpless kids and DH is on his own! [:D]



twoboys -> RE: Married with Kids (8/12/2008 7:34:01 PM)

My kids. Dh knows how to fend for himself.



Sadey -> RE: Married with Kids (8/12/2008 7:40:18 PM)

It depends on what day it is.



hnt -> RE: Married with Kids (8/12/2008 8:22:30 PM)

LOL your husband is to come first, but both know at times that just can't happen! Everyone has to bend to serve others in need at times. You just need to make sure you don't go overboard - one way or the other!



3cappuccinosmom -> RE: Married with Kids (8/12/2008 8:28:14 PM)

They have different needs, and the one who's need is most urgent at any given moment comes first. Sometimes it's dh, sometimes the kids.

For instance, I insist on a regular bedtime for the kids, and insist they *stay* in bed, so that dh and I can have a ltitle bit of the evening together. However, I won't ignore a screaming scared or hungry infant or child in order to save "our time".



MC4JC -> RE: Married with Kids (8/12/2008 10:01:13 PM)

When we first went to the church we attended before we moved, we took a course on Marriage/Children. It had lots of helpful insight on the "order" of things and how to work with your marriage and children.

One of the things that stuck in my mind was who should be placed above who.

1. God
2. Spouse
3. Children
4. all others

Why spouse over children? Because your children are usually only with you for 18 yrs. If you don't place your spouse above your children you may not have your spouse after 18 yrs.

While younger children need certain things, you cannot neglect your spouse.

So spouse comes before child.



hispen -> RE: Married with Kids (8/13/2008 10:39:33 AM)

Thanks MC4JC, that's pretty much the understanding I've been taught. Sadly, many women mistakingly place their children above their husbands, put their children before their husbands and this in my opinion is out of order, and leads to major problems between the husband and wife as well as not necessarily good example wise for the children. I have seen many marriages go sour because of this and again it is very sad.



laura... -> RE: Married with Kids (8/13/2008 11:02:36 AM)

I've posted this before. I do not like the linear thinking of God first, Spouse second, then children and then others. I don't believe that God, the bible or life can be fit into such linear priorities.

First of all, I cannot put God into a list of priorities. He is in all, under all, around all, supporting all. God gives me wisdom in prioritizing and the strength to make difficult decisions. He's completely off any such lists otherwise God would be every number on the list.

The others--spouse, children, others--need to be in balance not in an order. My relationship with my husband should not cause harm to my children. My relationship with my children should not cause harm to my spouse or marriage. If either is harming the other then something is out of balance. My relationship with my family should not cause harm to others. My relationship with others should not cause harm to my family. If either is harming the other then something is out of balance.

God is the one who gives us the wisdom to keep the balance. The Holy Spirit can lead and guide us in knowing when our relationships are out of balance and causing harm.

quote:

For instance, I insist on a regular bedtime for the kids, and insist they *stay* in bed, so that dh and I can have a ltitle bit of the evening together. However, I won't ignore a screaming scared or hungry infant or child in order to save "our time".


Maggie has given a good example of balance. She balances her responsibility to her children and to her husband. Neither her husband nor her children are being put first or second in this example. They are all getting their needs met including herself.



pbaribeault -> RE: Married with Kids (8/13/2008 11:11:25 AM)

quote:

The others--spouse, children, others--need to be in balance not in an order. My relationship with my husband should not cause harm to my children. My relationship with my children should not cause harm to my spouse or marriage. If either is harming the other then something is out of balance. My relationship with my family should not cause harm to others. My relationship with others should not cause harm to my family. If either is harming the other then something is out of balance.

God is the one who gives us the wisdom to keep the balance. The Holy Spirit can lead and guide us in knowing when our relationships are out of balance and causing harm.

Perfect!



hispen -> RE: Married with Kids (8/13/2008 11:53:51 AM)

But, God is a God of order, isn't He?. For example, in His divine word we find: But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God. Just an observation.



zoebob -> RE: Married with Kids (8/13/2008 12:10:13 PM)

I agree with Maggie and Laura.

Needs have to come first and most severe needs come first. Children may appear to come first because they can't meet their own needs like a grown man can. If husband needs a new box of tissues and baby has just an explosive messy diaper that needs changing I change baby first because husband can get up and find his own box of tissues...baby cannot.

However, If husband has just fallen down the stairs and may have broken his leg and is sitting at the bottom of the stairs unable to move and baby has the same messy diaper I will check on husband first before changing baby...although I will change baby before rushing to the hospital with hubby.



Sadey -> RE: Married with Kids (8/13/2008 12:22:28 PM)

Laura was so right and Hispen, I feel like there is a reason behind your question?

I do know that the more we try to order our life and put things in order, the more confusing it gets. But I do agree that God is not at the top of the list, he permeates the list, in fact he is the paper you write your list on and pen and ink you use.

We humans always want life to be fair and one thing you can count on is, that it isn't. It a cry from our childhood, Its not fair!!!![:@]

If we are adults and adult Chrisitians then we can put others first and we don't need to be first, second or third.

It is easier to put your husband first when the kids are grown and gone[;)]



shadowspring -> RE: Married with Kids (8/13/2008 1:55:06 PM)

So true! Love this part especially:
quote:

But I do agree that God is not at the top of the list, he permeates the list, in fact he is the paper you write your list on and pen and ink you use.


Bears repeating!

I don't know of any single marriage that has been ruined by mothers putting children above spouses.

I have seen ruined marriages where the wife continues to sacrifice herself to meet her children's needs after she has given up the marriage itself, usually after much effort to make a good marriage on her part.

Bad marriage relationship first; mom building her world around kids second. Make sure you understand the order of things clearly.

A man who loves his wife as Christ loves the church, and gives her honor and understanding as the weaker vessel, will NEVER suffer neglect! Hugs, kisses and help with the dishes will be his in abundance.

But I have seen many marriages ruined by self-centered, childish and neglectful husbands ignoring the wife's needs and/or demanding she do it all on her own after meeting his needs first.

Such people so ill-used (as I'm sure it happens to some men as well) will naturally gravitate their attention and affection to the relationships that are paying off: friends and children.

My highly opinionated opinion, but it holds true in all my life experience. [;)]



hispen -> RE: Married with Kids (8/14/2008 11:00:40 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sadey
Hispen, I feel like there is a reason behind your question?



quote:

ORIGINAL: hispen
I have seen many marriages go sour because of this and again it is very sad.



Pretty much that is why I asked the question. I understand that some may be sensitive to this subject and I apologize for that.

Perhaps I should have phrased the question like this:

Was there ever a time in your marriage when you consistently put your children before your husband and he expressed concerns? How did you handle that? Did things ever change? How and why?

That way only those who did this and then realized that it was hurting their marriage would have replied, which in hindsight is probably what I should have done. I will do that now. Thanks guys. Again I'm sorry.



Row1 -> RE: Married with Kids (8/14/2008 11:29:16 AM)

quote:

Bad marriage relationship first; mom building her world around kids second. Make sure you understand the order of things clearly.


this can happen. But also, I know it is not uncommon for a woman to have a focus upon cultivating her kids first, and neglect to put the cultivation into the marriage, and the marriage goes bad.

There are a couple reasons why the marriage comes first before kids: first, the husband and wife are one, unless they allow themselves to be divided, contrary to the marriage covenant.

Second: the ability to raise children comes out of the powerhouse of the parenting team. It takes emotional investment, money, planning and sacrifice to raise children. Each of these things needs to be strategized, planned, discussed, etc. within the marriage team - otherwise the problem is one of too many cooks spoiling the stew.

Like people have said: if the dad ends up being in the role of another kid, that is really bad - but we know it happens.

Third: I have those ideas about why the marriage comes first before kids - but here is the challenge: for negotiating out the everyday issues, and getting emotional satisfaction, it is much easier for a mom, and sometimes a dad, to get that interpersonal satisfaction and interpersonal influence and importance from the children, even though it should come from the spouse. Your needs for a close, supportive, understanding partner should not be met by your kid, but by your spouse. You should be encouraged to persevere and carry on in the face of adversity by your spouse, not your children.

but, it is too easy for a mom or dad to turn to a kid and get those needs met quickly from the kids, instead of where it really needs to come from.

Once a parent (typically the mom but can be the dad) starts to feel the unconditional positive regard and the emotional intimacy form the kid, which comes very easily, it is tough to give that up and go get it from the spouse.

I have paid a lot of attention to these family roles, because when my wife and I got married a few yrs ago, we had to change all of this, since my wife has a teen daughter. My wife has had to change to getting me involved in all of the everyday decisions and the long-range planning, and being my buddy, and being less able to have her daughter be her buddy. Also, I get involved in parenting, and my wife now has to work out with me how rules and things will go. I am the leader, so I get a lot of influence on chores, respectful talk, what's on TV, how to address scheduling and money challenges, etc.

In blended families, many stepdads are tag-alongs, and end up like some floppy appendage on the 'main' family of mom and kids. Not me. fortunately, my wife recognizes all of this - it was even brought up by our premarital counseling with the minister, which greatly helped us see how things would need to change.



hispen -> RE: Married with Kids (8/14/2008 12:57:42 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Row1

this can happen. But also, I know it is not uncommon for a woman to have a focus upon cultivating her kids first, and neglect to put the cultivation into the marriage, and the marriage goes bad.

There are a couple reasons why the marriage comes first before kids: first, the husband and wife are one, unless they allow themselves to be divided, contrary to the marriage covenant.

Second: the ability to raise children comes out of the powerhouse of the parenting team. It takes emotional investment, money, planning and sacrifice to raise children. Each of these things needs to be strategized, planned, discussed, etc. within the marriage team - otherwise the problem is one of too many cooks spoiling the stew.

Like people have said: if the dad ends up being in the role of another kid, that is really bad - but we know it happens.

Third: I have those ideas about why the marriage comes first before kids - but here is the challenge: for negotiating out the everyday issues, and getting emotional satisfaction, it is much easier for a mom, and sometimes a dad, to get that interpersonal satisfaction and interpersonal influence and importance from the children, even though it should come from the spouse. Your needs for a close, supportive, understanding partner should not be met by your kid, but by your spouse. You should be encouraged to persevere and carry on in the face of adversity by your spouse, not your children.

but, it is too easy for a mom or dad to turn to a kid and get those needs met quickly from the kids, instead of where it really needs to come from.

Once a parent (typically the mom but can be the dad) starts to feel the unconditional positive regard and the emotional intimacy form the kid, which comes very easily, it is tough to give that up and go get it from the spouse.

I have paid a lot of attention to these family roles, because when my wife and I got married a few yrs ago, we had to change all of this, since my wife has a teen daughter. My wife has had to change to getting me involved in all of the everyday decisions and the long-range planning, and being my buddy, and being less able to have her daughter be her buddy. Also, I get involved in parenting, and my wife now has to work out with me how rules and things will go. I am the leader, so I get a lot of influence on chores, respectful talk, what's on TV, how to address scheduling and money challenges, etc.

In blended families, many stepdads are tag-alongs, and end up like some floppy appendage on the 'main' family of mom and kids. Not me. fortunately, my wife recognizes all of this - it was even brought up by our premarital counseling with the minister, which greatly helped us see how things would need to change.


WOW, Row1, thank you soooo much for your post. Really I want to print it out and show it to a friend of mine that is doing this.

I really like that you used the word marriage and not spouse in your comments in your post. I have learned from your post that it's really not the spouse that rightfully should come before your children but the marriage itself, the relationship between the husband and wife, as you two are one, etc...

Also, you hit the nail on the head far as I'm concerned by pointing out that sometimes the cause for this could be the 'unconditional positive regard and the emotional intimacy from the kid which comes very easily' ....

Again, thanks for your insightful post. I really appreciate it.



macokjc -> RE: Married with Kids (8/14/2008 12:57:48 PM)

I've been waiting to post on this thread because I wasn't sure that I could state my thoughts clearly. Like a poster said above, God is a God of order, and I myself think: God, spouse, children, etc. However, there are variables and practicalities, many of them have been mentioned before. I think that if both spouses have a loving relationship with God and with each other, then this putting your spouse first will happen with very little work. If one or the other is not in a relationship with the Lord, then it is very easy to mess up all other relationships. For instance, if there is truly abuse (and I say truly because the way the word abuse is thrown out in this and other threads makes me ill), then you are wrong to put your spouse first because you are putting your children in harms way.

I HAVE SEEN MARRIAGES FALL APART because children came first and the spousal relationship was neglected. Parents who didn't take time for themselves, children who were very selfish and demanding, spouses who felt cast aside when children came along all can lead to a marriage downfall. We love our children and spend a lot of time with them; but will definitely leave them home with baby-sitters so we have a night or a weekend to ourselves. My children do not need me 24-7, and even a nursing baby can do without mom for 2-3 hours. If you do not cultivate that relationship and continually work on it, you can't expect that it will suddenly re-bloom when the children are out of the house.



hispen -> RE: Married with Kids (8/15/2008 7:10:12 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: macokjc
I HAVE SEEN MARRIAGES FALL APART because children came first and the spousal relationship was neglected. Parents who didn't take time for themselves, children who were very selfish and demanding, spouses who felt cast aside when children came along all can lead to a marriage downfall. We love our children and spend a lot of time with them; but will definitely leave them home with baby-sitters so we have a night or a weekend to ourselves. My children do not need me 24-7, and even a nursing baby can do without mom for 2-3 hours. If you do not cultivate that relationship and continually work on it, you can't expect that it will suddenly re-bloom when the children are out of the house.


Thanks macokjc for your post, I totally agree with you - there has to be a healthy balance between parents and spouses. I don't think parents realize that in a way we idolize our children and that only hurts them in the long run, in addition to hurting our marriage and our spouse with whom we are to be one. Also, I think in these circumstances, God is also grieved, as the marriage is suppose to be a reflection of Christ relationship with the church.



car2ner -> RE: Married with Kids (8/15/2008 7:35:22 AM)

It is natural for children, from baby to teen, to try and put themselves first in the family. It goes well beyond the momentary needs of who do I serve first. This is more of a long-run issue. There is so much insight in the previous posts that I won't repeat it all, but will remember much of it.



BookReader -> RE: Married with Kids (8/18/2008 10:15:20 PM)

Both children and spouse are equally important. One shouldn't relationship shouldn't dominate the other. Of course your relationship with your spouse is different from your children.

Bookreader

(link edited TOS 13 and 15)



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