How to discern between being nice and "flirting"

How to discern between being nice and "flirting" (Full Version)

All Forums >> [People] >> He Says

Message

splost -> How to discern between being nice and "flirting" (8/12/2008 2:33:38 PM)
Hi gentlemen, I have had this frustration for a long time. I know women can be just as guilty giving off the "wrong signals" during a conversation that may suggest interest beyond a friendship. My problem is that lately I am starting to feel a tiny bit "paranoid" any time a man is just being nice to me, and I am lacking discernment to know when friendliness is just friendliness and when it is something more. Here are a couple of examples I am having a tough time discerning. I would like some advice on how to behave friendly without sending a signal that I am interested as more than a friend (if that is possible ). Examples 1. I was at a singles function after church. Some singles were sitting in a resteraunt. I was having a conversation at the table with a nice gentleman. During the conversation, he noticed my hand, grabbed it (not aggressively) and said, "Oh, real fingernails in orange county." I got fairly quiet after that remark. He picked up on the fact that I wasn't comfortable and proceeded to start a conversation with someone at another table. I ran this situation by my friend and pastor who both thing I am overreacting to his compliment. 2. I was at another singles function and we were sharing prayer requests around the table. At the end of the service, one of the men (very nice) patted me on the back and thanked me for being willing to keep him lifted up in prayer over the situation he was going through. I realize both may seem like small examples, but I am finding myself afraid to be friendly for fear that if they are interested, they may take the friendliness a few steps further than I want. I have had men take it further than I wanted (years ago one guy called me princess and grabbed my hand in the middle of what I thought was just a nice conversation between a brother and sister in Christ). Okay men, I don't want to be a rude women in order to not send the wrong signals. Any suggestions on treating men with respect and love like a sister should, but without giving them the wrong idea? I have sometimes used the " I am interested in this guy " kind of conversation to keep them from getting the wrong idea. What do you suggest.

willfs -> RE: How to discern between being nice and "flirting" (8/12/2008 3:49:41 PM)
I JUST came back from a visit to the doctor. The nurse who called my name seemed extra friendly to me (and extra cute). Most ot the cute nurses that I encounter are real standoffish. So when I first saw her I kept it real cool, not wanting to reveal how happy I was that she was my nurse. I also feel bad flirting with woman who are forced to be near me because of their job: nurse, waitress, salesperson...etc.. But she seemed to be pushing conversation and gave me a big smile when she saw we walk toward her from across the waiting room. She kept of conversation with me in the surgery room until the doctor came in. Only after he came in did we begin preparing for the procedure we were doing, which wasn't anything real wierd. I loved the idea that she was placing her hand on my back during the surgery and I THOUGHT that it seemed to be an unnessisary thing that she was doing to send out a signal. After the surgery, the doc left. I took the chance to talk to her more but she seemed real standoffish, especially when compared to before. She gave me what I needed and when she had to give eye contact because she was saying good bye, even though I was all smiles and bright eyes, she had a real serious look. I left feeling kinda angry and hurt. Was she just being friendly and she needs to learn to be more serious like the other cute nurses (or she will have to deal with more guys like me)? Was she interested and then changed her mind? Was she interested but then decided to play hard to get? Am I living in reality at all? By the way. Most women are standoffish (which could be seen as rude) to me unless they really know me. It doesn't hurt my feelings cause I figure they don't want to put out signals. I remember in a ministry I was apart of that the woman were cautious when greeting new people who came to the ministry. They feared that if they tried to make new guys who visited feel welcome it would come across as flirting. And I think they were right. I recently visited a church's singles group to hear a speaker. There was an attractive young woman who came over to chat with me. My first thought was that she was interested but it was only hope. She picked up on this and stayed away from me the rest of the time.

MWD -> RE: How to discern between being nice and "flirting" (8/12/2008 8:40:45 PM)
Both of those functions were singles functions. You were there, so that means you were looking to date, or at least open to the notion, and you wanted to be around men who were looking to date, and that in turn means it was ok for men to show interest in dating. So your question is sort of like pulling into a Jiffy Lube and then wondering whether you might've given anyone the impression that you wanted a cheap oil change. However, I don't think all this touching shows good character on the part of those men. That touchy-feely stuff from strangers really pegs my Creep-O-Meter. It's an invasion. Just my personal view, though. I don't mean to infer every woman ought to feel the same way about some stranger putting his grubby paws all over her without asking permission first. ;-)

willfs -> RE: How to discern between being nice and "flirting" (8/12/2008 9:22:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MWD So your question is sort of like pulling into a Jiffy Lube and then wondering whether you might've given anyone the impression that you wanted a cheap oil change. Thats hilarious. But to clarify, didn't she say she was at a singles function for her church. The function of the singles group isn't just to meet someone. It's primarily to provide a group of Christian friends who are also in the same situation. If you meet your mate or if you just meet a date, then good for you. But everyone going to a church singles function is shouting,"I"m here to get me a lady (or man)!!!!"

John_O -> RE: How to discern between being nice and "flirting" (8/12/2008 10:03:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: willfs But to clarify, didn't she say she was at a singles function for her church. The function of the singles group isn't just to meet someone. It's primarily to provide a group of Christian friends who are also in the same situation. If you meet your mate or if you just meet a date, then good for you. But everyone going to a church singles function is shouting,"I"m here to get me a lady (or man)!!!!" No everyone at a singles meeting may not be looking to meet someone. But I'd bet most of them would be very open to it. Every singles ministry is, on at least some level, a dating service. Else why would they exist?

OneJohn410 -> RE: How to discern between being nice and "flirting" (8/12/2008 11:38:20 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: splost Hi gentlemen, I have had this frustration for a long time. I know women can be just as guilty giving off the "wrong signals" during a conversation that may suggest interest beyond a friendship. My problem is that lately I am starting to feel a tiny bit "paranoid" any time a man is just being nice to me, and I am lacking discernment to know when friendliness is just friendliness and when it is something more. Here are a couple of examples I am having a tough time discerning. I would like some advice on how to behave friendly without sending a signal that I am interested as more than a friend (if that is possible ). Examples 1. I was at a singles function after church. Some singles were sitting in a resteraunt. I was having a conversation at the table with a nice gentleman. During the conversation, he noticed my hand, grabbed it (not aggressively) and said, "Oh, real fingernails in orange county." I got fairly quiet after that remark. He picked up on the fact that I wasn't comfortable and proceeded to start a conversation with someone at another table. I ran this situation by my friend and pastor who both thing I am overreacting to his compliment. 2. I was at another singles function and we were sharing prayer requests around the table. At the end of the service, one of the men (very nice) patted me on the back and thanked me for being willing to keep him lifted up in prayer over the situation he was going through. I realize both may seem like small examples, but I am finding myself afraid to be friendly for fear that if they are interested, they may take the friendliness a few steps further than I want. I have had men take it further than I wanted (years ago one guy called me princess and grabbed my hand in the middle of what I thought was just a nice conversation between a brother and sister in Christ). Okay men, I don't want to be a rude women in order to not send the wrong signals. Any suggestions on treating men with respect and love like a sister should, but without giving them the wrong idea? I have sometimes used the " I am interested in this guy " kind of conversation to keep them from getting the wrong idea. What do you suggest. Hey Ms. Splost, Practice up on the sounding of the words, and in your best Godfather-mafia type-voice, simply ask, "Ah yew flertin' wid me??!!!??? Ah sayed, ah yew... flertin'... wid...me??!!!?????" Just like that.[:)] That may take care of the issue right there, but it could also earn you the nickname of Muggsie or some such. So much for the direct approach. The case of the real fingernails. How to act friendly when someone you don't know grabs your hand unexpectedly and tries to compliment you in noticing you were not wearing whatever you call them... false nails? I say you under-reacted, and maybe the friendly thing to have done would have been to ball the other hand into a fist and offer to show them the other five. Being silent, maybe you gave him no out but to depart in ignorance, shame, without realizing an apology was in order. You most certainly did not over-react. That's absurd. The case of the very nice prayer receiver and back patter. To act friendly in that one, I would suggest you just say what you feel the Spirit leading you to say and just shrug that one off. That's sometimes a guy's way of saying this is a challenging thing for me to say to someone I don't know, and if I stand here much longer, I might get choked up, so please know I really do mean this, and that's all I want to say about it. I'd take that much, much differently than some back rubbing or roaming. No matter what you gain from this post, remember prayer works. Pray that God gives you wisdom, understanding, and words to talk with us guys and get to know us firstly as brothers in Christ- before the event. If you make that your first objective, I can only guess it's going to be quite plain to everyone. That'll set things up for whatever follows. It sounds like you could have a good prayer partner in the group already, especially if he stops patting on you. Give her some space, guys! She just started attending already! Blessings on stronger discernment and appropriate 'niceness', OneJohn410

willfs -> RE: How to discern between being nice and "flirting" (8/13/2008 11:42:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: willfs But to clarify, didn't she say she was at a singles function for her church. The function of the singles group isn't just to meet someone. It's primarily to provide a group of Christian friends who are also in the same situation. If you meet your mate or if you just meet a date, then good for you. But everyone going to a church singles function is shouting,"I"m here to get me a lady (or man)!!!!" quote: ORIGINAL: John_O Every singles ministry is, on at least some level, a dating service. Else why would they exist? I wasn't arguing this point (dating service on SOME level) but I was arguing against this point: quote: ORIGINAL: MWD You were there, so that means you were looking to date, or at least open to the notion, What if you are single and you don't want to date? Do churches have a dating singles group and a non dating singles group? No, plenty of people go to singles groups just to find a group of Christian friends. Plenty go and they already have a steady relationship with someone else. It might be the unspoken reason that many go to singles groups (and thats not bad, church is a great place to find someone). I have attended plenty of singles functions thinking, "I wonder who will be there today?" But every girl who enters a singles group is NOT saying "Hey, I'm open game." I have talked to several single females who felt very uncomfortable by the whole "meet market" idea that many guys have of singles groups.

iwillfearnoevil -> RE: How to discern between being nice and "flirting" (8/13/2008 2:59:11 PM)
i hear here about women flocking over guys as well so i don't know it's one way. i agree with john_o in that it is a singles event and would guess a majority of the people are looking to develop friendships and possibly dates with other people. from your posts, it seems you are more uncomfortable interacting with these people now rather than the actual touch - is that right? if the touch makes you uncomfortable that's one thing, but if you are only asking about possibly leading men on, i wouldn't worry about it. when they ask you out or for your phone number, and you go along with just the sake of being nice ... then you are leading them on.

John_O -> RE: How to discern between being nice and "flirting" (8/13/2008 4:37:32 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: willfs quote: ORIGINAL: MWD You were there, so that means you were looking to date, or at least open to the notion, What if you are single and you don't want to date? Do churches have a dating singles group and a non dating singles group? No, plenty of people go to singles groups just to find a group of Christian friends. Plenty go and they already have a steady relationship with someone else. It might be the unspoken reason that many go to singles groups (and thats not bad, church is a great place to find someone). I have attended plenty of singles functions thinking, "I wonder who will be there today?" But every girl who enters a singles group is NOT saying "Hey, I'm open game." I have talked to several single females who felt very uncomfortable by the whole "meet market" idea that many guys have of singles groups. This is a very good point. Unfortunately I don't think it has an answer. As men we need to be more senisitive to the receptiveness(?) of our sisters at these meetings. Unfortunately most of us are as bright on this topic as a 15 watt bulb. We're clueless until they tell us they're not interested. (Of course once they become interested they have to make that known too else we'll never know to ask them.)

Page: [1]

Forum Software © ASPPlayground.NET Advanced Edition 2.5 ANSI