Grandparent with a favorite (Full Version)

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csl7037 -> Grandparent with a favorite (8/10/2008 9:30:25 AM)

I know we've seen this topic come up before. But this is different. I'm an only child. It's not like he spends more time or does more for one set of grandkids. He only has two - my two. He's so much harder on ds than dd. He's very (overly) sensitive, I admit. But even my dad's girlfriend complains about this. It's been a problem since they were tiny but now they're 7 & 9 and he's getting his feelings hurt and not wanting to spend time with papa.

I don't expect to be able to get my dad to change. How can I show ds he doesn't mean to hurt his feelings to let it roll off his back? Dad's gf be bf last night were joking with ds last night that he yells at them the same way. It's his personality. Not sure a 7 year old can understand that.



csl7037 -> RE: Grandparent with a favorite (8/10/2008 10:20:26 AM)

ugh! Dad's supposed to keep the kids tonight because I have a b'fast mtg tomorrow. He's all excited to keep them but now dh doesn't want to leave them (ds). So I'm up a creek scrambling on Sunday to find a ($$) sitter. I'm so annoyed with both of them and, as always, I'm in the middle.



29redballoons -> RE: Grandparent with a favorite (8/10/2008 10:54:53 AM)

Okay, in my opinion...a 7 year old should not be expected to just deal with it....an adult should be able to just stop it.
I grew up with this and resented my folks for making me...if ds doesn't want to go...because of ill treatment...please don't make him.



pbaribeault -> RE: Grandparent with a favorite (8/10/2008 10:59:56 AM)

Yep. If "Papa" is making the kid unhappy, nobody should make him go... maybe for a short visit, with the whole family there and you on guard to defend him. But if "Papa" can't control himself, then he can't be trusted.

You need to, at some point, tell your dad, "Joey doesn't like being around you, and dh & I don't like how you are hard on him sometimes. If you want a good relationship with him, you can try another way."



Sideways -> RE: Grandparent with a favorite (8/10/2008 11:46:46 AM)

Older men can be very hard on boys, expecting much more of them (sexist). But still, it's your job as mom to protect your son. Listen to your husband and don't let papa be alone with his grandson. It's not right for a boy to be treated this way.

I agree that papa needs to be cut off unless he can change his ways. If he can't, don't leave him alone with either of your children. Period. It is complete nonsense to expect a sensitive 7-year old boy to just let it roll off his back.



manda59 -> RE: Grandparent with a favorite (8/10/2008 2:36:44 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: csl7037
ugh! Dad's supposed to keep the kids tonight because I have a b'fast mtg tomorrow. He's all excited to keep them but now dh doesn't want to leave them (ds). So I'm up a creek scrambling on Sunday to find a ($$) sitter. I'm so annoyed with both of them and, as always, I'm in the middle.



Good for your husband that he wants to spare your son the emotional abuse. Seriously, you should not be annoyed with your son, he is a child and needs to be protected. Even if it occasionally means inconvenience for you.[8|]



buckifn -> RE: Grandparent with a favorite (8/10/2008 2:49:09 PM)

Unless he is saying and doing things that are abusive I say don't make a big deal out of it..just manage events and time in such a way that the opportunities are not there for such behavior.

Plan outings where you AND the grandparent are side by side together with the son. Maybe trips to the zoo, some type of activity that all of you can do where you and your husband set the tone of conversation.

You are not always going to be around to protect your child from every word that may hurt his feelings, but you can model approp. behavior for him in a way that teaches him how to control the environment around him in an assertive but not threatening manner.

Teaching him avoidance at all cost prob. isn't necessary if it is only what you have described thus far.

Can you give more specific examples of what is actually said and/or done?



Sideways -> RE: Grandparent with a favorite (8/10/2008 3:12:27 PM)

But grandparents are an authority figure, not a schoolmate. This is an abuse of power, and he shouldn't have to put up with it. As adults we can largely choose to remove ourselves from toxic influences.

Yes, eventually he'll have to deal with unpleasant people, but learning that lesson at 7 from an abusive grandparent is not the appropriate time or place.



manda59 -> RE: Grandparent with a favorite (8/10/2008 3:15:37 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: buckifn
Unless he is saying and doing things that are abusive

Treating him differently from his sister is being abusive in my book.
quote:


You are not always going to be around to protect your child from every word that may hurt his feelings, but you can model approp. behavior for him in a way that teaches him how to control the environment around him in an assertive but not threatening manner.

At 11 or 12 maybe (and even then it can be very tough if it's a family member), but I think that's a bit much to expect of a 7yr old.



Sadey -> RE: Grandparent with a favorite (8/10/2008 4:11:34 PM)

Any grandparents that treats their grandchildren unfairly should be strung up by their ears. I'm a grandma and I think its terrible to make a difference in your grandchildren, no matter how you feel. And yes sometimes you are closer to one than the other but so what? Its doesn't give you permission to mistreat them.
This isn't about your son, hes is a little boy and should be able to trust that his grandpa will be nice to him.
THis isn't about teaching your son how to handle people like this.

This is about your father acting like this and you letting him. I can almost guarentee that if you sit him down and tell him to stop it and stop it right now or he won't be able to see any of you, he'll stop and if he doesn't then you have to protect your son. I can't think of anything more hurtful than a grandparent who doesn't like you and lets you know about it.

And if you choose your parent over your child you will pay dearly someday.
Okay I'm sorry I vented but this is nuts. A grown man picking on a 7 year old..



csl7037 -> RE: Grandparent with a favorite (8/10/2008 4:44:55 PM)

I'm out of town so posting on my phone. It's a hassle to cut & paste or do too much this way. But, above, I was annoyed with dh because he often blows my plans away last minute so I'm scrambling. I despise last minute plans or changes...that's a thread for another day.

Dad just has a biting sense of humor and can also snap at the kids. It wears on ds and upsets him. When his gf is here as a buffer it's not bad. It's the overnights when he'll inevitably get his feelings hurt.

For now, ds is going home with us and I've had one sitter return my call so i'll manage tomorrow one way or another. We'll see.



buckifn -> RE: Grandparent with a favorite (8/14/2008 5:28:07 PM)

quote:

Treating him differently from his sister is being abusive in my book.


Every child is different and should be treated on their own merit, regardless of siblings or anyone else.


"At 11 or 12 maybe (and even then it can be very tough if it's a family member), but I think that's a bit much to expect of a 7yr old. "


If you notice I said for the parent to use this as an opportunity to model approp. behavior, not to demand it from the kid per se.



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