my 12 year old likes a boy (Full Version)

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photofilly -> my 12 year old likes a boy (8/7/2008 3:20:50 PM)

My 12 year old is going into the 7th grade and likes a boy for the first time. Up untill now she has been comfortable telling us when she thinks a boy is cute, but that is all......she thought the BF/GF stuff was 'dumb'. This boy is a good kid she has known since pre-school but then ended up in different schools. She only see's him some times at church now, but is asking if it is ok to talk with him on the phone and spend more time together. I'm lost! We've always told her we diagree with the norm of dating and still do. I'm just wondering how much string to give the kite!?



bluestone -> RE: my 12 year old likes a boy (8/7/2008 3:23:06 PM)

welcome to the wide world of puberty.[:D]

12 is too young to date anyways. Chances are her "crush " will change from week to week, so I would not worry too much.

If you let her talk on the phone, make it clear it is only on a phone in the room with you or your spouse. phones in bed rooms, cell phones, etc. have lead a lot of kids into trouble. Talking in front of parents tends to make conversation stay within proper boundaries.



PatricksPeaches -> RE: my 12 year old likes a boy (8/7/2008 3:39:27 PM)

I agree with what bluestone said. Don't let them be alone, even on the phone. Supervision is key. And also let her know the "rules" about boys. She is too young to officially date but to talk to a boy is ok. Just supervise, supervise, supervise!!!!!!!!



photofilly -> RE: my 12 year old likes a boy (8/7/2008 3:56:42 PM)

Yeah we definately feel 12 is too young to date. Even when she is in her late teens she won't be dating the typical way. I guess it's just a hard balance to figure out. Letting her know her concerns are your concerns and how to deal with having a good friend that is a boy.



bluestone -> RE: my 12 year old likes a boy (8/7/2008 3:58:44 PM)

thing is, you don't want her to be afraid of boys, or stay so far from them she won't know how to interact. Hard balance.



MrsDC -> RE: my 12 year old likes a boy (8/9/2008 1:23:17 AM)

How much string? I don't think I'd even include the string with the kite yet! [:D]

So, you don't agree with the idea of dating, but you're allowing her to let her heart attach to this boy in "phone dates"? You and Dh need to decide exactly what your stand is and stick to it. I may be reading more between the lines than I should, but it sounds like you and your daughter are giving in on a position you both feel pretty strongly about simply because he's a "good kid" who "goes to church" and he's "cute".

I just want you to look at this from the outside for a sec -- what's the difference between a 12 year old talking to a boy on the phone or going roller skating with him and a 14 year old doing the same thing? 16 year old? All three have hormones, all three lack discernment and all three are too young to be thinking marriage. Is your daughter seriously thinking that he might be the one God has planned for her?

IMO dating should be saved for after the wedding. [;)]

OK, that's my 2 cents. Probably more than two cents -- I'm pretty passionate about this particular soapbox. [8|]

-- Rebecca



DreadPirateRandy -> RE: my 12 year old likes a boy (8/9/2008 2:54:00 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: photofilly

We've always told her we disagree with the norm of dating and still do.


While I don't agree that someone so young should pursue the opposite sex just yet, what exactly do you consider "the norm" of dating?

quote:

All three have hormones, all three lack discernment.


While I don't necessarily disagree with the above quote, I just don't think it's specifically limited to teenagers.

Humans will be humans despite their age.



zoebob -> RE: my 12 year old likes a boy (8/9/2008 11:04:17 AM)

I think that at 12 boys and girls can just be friends. Of course, if she is looking at him romantically then it is different. For example, we just spent 4 days at Ellie Mae's house. Her ds is 12 and my dd is 12. They spent most of their time together but I don't think it was romantic at all. My dd still thinks boys are gross in a romantic way. However, she will play with them and talk with them and have fun. These two kids talked, sat in the same seat in the van when we went somewhere, did things on the computer, etc. At one point some of the kids (younger teens) were rough housing in the yard. My dd joined in with the boys and while we honestly think they were just goofing around we put a stop to mixed gender rough housing just to play it safe.



Jenny-Fair -> RE: my 12 year old likes a boy (8/9/2008 12:19:15 PM)

quote:

I think that at 12 boys and girls can just be friends.

The other day my stepmom and my 13 yo sister and my 12 yo son and I were discussing romantic relationships. Nate said to my stepmom, 'The girls I know are just people I know!' and she got a real kick out of that. (of course, then my sister told him that was only possible because he doesn't go to public school...so who knows what the rules are in there)

I had friends who were boys all the way through high school. Let me try and count those with whom romance never came up on either side....hmm, seems I don't need any fingers. Aren't hormones wonderful?

So, my advice (and to myself, as well, because I have been struggling with this with my 15 yo) is to mark clear boundaries. What is and is not acceptable, from here to whenever, and then stick to them. My problem, at least, is that though we discussed concepts we did not ever discuss particulars, and so now we have problems with the particulars.



manda59 -> RE: my 12 year old likes a boy (8/9/2008 1:52:01 PM)

I am wondering if perhaps you just don't realise how strong bonds can be formed from long telephone conversations (I mean anything more than 2-3 mins).

Adolescence brings with it a lot of insecurity and vulnerability, and if they spend too much of their time associating with and confiding in other young people, especially of the opposite sex, what can tend to happen is that they start to feel they can relate to their peers more than they can relate to their own parents.

I'd suggest that you and your husband decide now what you are and are not going to allow. When she says she wants to spend more time together with him, what does she mean? If it was me, I think I'd have said that I wouldn't be happy with them spending any alone time together, or any time in each other's company when there were no responsible adults present (and I mean responsible adults, not just adults [8|]) - but that if he wanted to come over to our house one Sunday and go out with our family, all together, then that would be ok, or to come over for a family meal at our house. But the boundary would be no time alone in her room - in fact, he would not be allowed in her room at all. Another boundary, for me, would be no more than 2-3 minutes on the phone at a time, no chatting on MSN or any other messenger and no emailing. Chatting at church would be fine, being with our family would be fine, but no alone time.

Does she have any unsupervised time on the computer btw? And is there any time when she is alone at home?



buckifn -> RE: my 12 year old likes a boy (8/10/2008 7:52:14 AM)

you and her father are the captain of the ship. Decide on what the two of you think is best and share your guidelines with your daughter in a caring way. She is entering an age where she needs clarity, consistency, and care regardless of how much she whines about wanting more freedom.

One thing you could do is schedule times when she can have her friends over when you the parent's are able to be present and involved with what they are doing. Something like game night, or if you have a pool, an afternoon pool party, if you have a pool table use that, whatever you have use it to teach your daughter acceptable social skills with her friends..of both sexes.

The one thing I have found most helpful to keep them on track is keep activities supervised and group based rather than 1 on 1 with a specific person, stay close as parent's, but still allow them some say in planning etc, and don't make everything an "all or nothing" situation. Create win-win situations.

I can't emphasize enough how important it is for the Dad to walk with his daughter through these next few years.



McGuinessMagee -> RE: my 12 year old likes a boy (8/11/2008 2:19:54 AM)

X and dh had a talk a couple of months ago where he (jokingly) told her that his sword collection was going to start being named after any boy who came near her. [8D]

I feel for you PF. X likes one of J's (her older brother by two years) mates... and he's a nice kid... who comes to our house occasionally... and, J tells us, his friend likes her too. [&o]

And I have an older sister who 'dated' her husband (of 25yrs now) from the time they were 12 years old. [:o]

We've sat down and had talks. And dh and I have done a lot of praying and setting boundaries.

Kylie[sm=silly.gif]



photofilly -> RE: my 12 year old likes a boy (8/21/2008 3:26:24 PM)

thank you all for your input. We hav eput alot of thought and prayer in to our planning. Just to make it clear when I wondered how much 'string to give the kite', I was not reffering to letting my daughter date at 12 and how much should I let them do. I just realize that she is growing up and beging tohave a natural curiosity about boys. She was not whining or pushing this either.....actually my husband and I found where she had written us a 'letter" in a notebook about the subject, and we just figured who the boy was. I hate that she did not come to us, but she was trying to communicate none the less. Anyway, we have decided that she will be able to include boys in her circle more, but still just as friends. Till now, other than the mix of kids on our street playing hide n' seek boys have not been in her circle of friends. She can go out in groups of boys and girls to places like bowling or to the mall, and we will be there, but at a distance. We don't mind and occational phone call from a boy, but not on her cell, and in the presence of parents. Basically, we let her know it is ok and normal to like boys and have crushes, but it is still time to just be friends, and it is ok to have good friends that are boys. All in all, even when the time for dating approaches our question to instill in her mind is not "how far is too far?" but "how would this please my heavenly father and my furture husband?"



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