Is he Damaged Goods After Divorce??? (Full Version)

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Luv4self -> Is he Damaged Goods After Divorce??? (8/7/2008 5:51:26 AM)

I have a male friend who will be divorced for one year in October. He was in a horrible physically and emotionally abusive marriage of 6 yrs. He has tried online dating and met a very nice woman on eharmony. He says that he thinks he's ready for a relationship and is not damaged goods yet he doesn't think now is the "right time" to date. he does speak about wanting to get married again.

He seems to be completely limited in ability to be involved with someone. His idea of dating is having sporadic conversation, texting and occasionally her coming over to his house. No movies, no going out to eat...nothing; yet he calls this dating. The woman and he have been involved for about six months and she has been trying to have a full relationship with him, but he says it's not the right time. My friend feels attacked easily and withdraws and shuts down immediately when this woman asks him about them. She really loves and cares about him but is feeling she should date other people due to his limations. I have been trying to help her with her feelings of guilt and like she's cheating on him.

I don't think my friend should be dating being that he coils so easily and so emotionally fragile. Any suggestions of how I can support him or any help in helping me figure out whats going on with him? He is a great friend and I want to be supportive!



Keabird -> RE: Is he Damaged Goods After Divorce??? (8/7/2008 5:59:36 AM)

Doesn't sound to me like he is anywhere near ready to be involved with anyone ...

And also sounds like he needs to learn social skills ...



revbob4God -> RE: Is he Damaged Goods After Divorce??? (8/7/2008 7:16:05 AM)

Don't call him damaged goods, because this implies that he is now less than worthy. None of us have the authority to degenerate another human being. Continue to be supportive and caring.



manda59 -> RE: Is he Damaged Goods After Divorce??? (8/7/2008 7:41:50 AM)

He's not damaged goods, he just has a particular set of baggage. We all have baggage of one sort of another.

He might benefit from some counselling from a trained professional, to help him sort out his baggage (which likely goes way back, and is probably not related just to the marriage)



sudden -> RE: Is he Damaged Goods After Divorce??? (8/7/2008 9:33:11 AM)

That girl must have a really bad case of low self-esteem to just "date" by texting and watching movies at someone's home.

I think your friend needs more time to get over his hurt before dating anyone. He will "recover." God is the great healer. Just give him more time. It also sounds as if your friend doesn't remember how to "date" and woo a woman. He needs to be taught that most women would never tolerate the sort of "dating" he subscribes to.

It seems he needs companionship. We have a friend in a similar situation. We try to include him in some of our outings and he frequently has dinner at our home.

Be a good friend to him. Give him your time.

Sudden



DaveW -> RE: Is he Damaged Goods After Divorce??? (8/7/2008 9:35:52 AM)

He may not be "damaged" goods as such, but he certainly is severly wounded. He needs to be in biblical family counseling. His actions as you describe them all scream of his wounding. Until he gets that all healed and dealt with, he will be in no place to even be a productive friend, let alone a boyfriend or husband.



hotsaucygma -> RE: Is he Damaged Goods After Divorce??? (8/7/2008 11:09:08 AM)

He has only been divorced about 10 months? Actually that's pretty early to start "dating". He just still needs time to heal. In my experience (yes, I am divorced) we think we are ready to date again quite awhile before we really are. Probably because we really have come a long way in healing, we just don't realize we still have a long way to go!

My suggestion would be for him to socialize in groups more than in 1 x 1 situations. He needs to get out again and have some fun, meet new people etc. but it's a bit early to "date", imo. And really is a bit "unfair" to the people he "dates" that are ready for a relationship, again- imo.


ETA: Sorry, I didn't really answer the "Is he damaged goods question?" Yes, and No. Yes he is damaged emotionally, but he can be "repaired" and "reconditioned" and maybe if done right become even better than the original... [:D]



jaimestarcross -> RE: Is he Damaged Goods After Divorce??? (8/7/2008 1:43:57 PM)

He's among the many walking wounded from failed marriages/love relationships...
your friend needs professional counseling - gently encourage him to seek counseling... get the necessary info and hand it to him.



allisonbrett -> RE: Is he Damaged Goods After Divorce??? (8/7/2008 1:57:50 PM)

You're right, he doesn't need to be even considering dating or meeting anyone new. Instead it sounds like he's got some significant battle scars and needs some serious healing. I'd suggest that he check out Divorce Care. Google it and find a class in his area. They can help him find the healing he needs through Jesus Christ.

Since he is so emotionally fragile he needs to focus on same sex friends as friendships with the opposite sex often leads to emotional attachments: the last thing he needs.

Damaged goods? No, just one who has been incredibly hurt. There is healing from divorce and wholeness so no one is damaged beyond compare. Speak to him of healing and wholenss. Encourage him to focus on himself at this point and keep his eyes on Christ. Help him to strive to be the man he wants to be (whole, complete and set free) before he decides to become something to someone else.

[:)]



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: Is he Damaged Goods After Divorce??? (8/7/2008 2:49:16 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: hotsaucygma
He has only been divorced about 10 months? Actually that's pretty early to start "dating".


he has been dating this girl for 6 months so that left 4 months unattached. that doesn't even count the time it took to find her on eHarmony. granted there could have been a lengthy separation and i disagree with general comments like time heals all as person needs to allow God to work in their life as well. i would think if the 'girl friend' minded their relationship that after 6 months, she could press the issue. both people seem okay now, why rush things either way? it doesn't sound like he should be doing any dating, but is obviously gaining something out of the relationship now so will be hard to break.



WesP -> RE: Is he Damaged Goods After Divorce??? (8/7/2008 3:01:25 PM)

quote:

it doesn't sound like he should be doing any dating, but is obviously gaining something out of the relationship now so will be hard to break.


Typically, in situations like this it is a stabilizer for self-esteem. Perhaps he wants a bit of contact with reality to ensure that someone can actually care for him. It reduces the feeling of failure and lack of worth. I am not saying that this is true for this situation, but it would not surprise me. The time frame that he was alone suggests that this is a viable reason.



hotsaucygma -> RE: Is he Damaged Goods After Divorce??? (8/7/2008 3:30:00 PM)

That is often true WesP, and is one of the reasons I mentioned it may not be very "fair" to the woman involved if she is ready for a "real" relationship and he may be just "wanting contact with reality to ensure that someone can actually care for him". I think often people rush into a new relationship because they are hurting and want reassurance- not a good basis for a healthy relationship, imo.



WesP -> RE: Is he Damaged Goods After Divorce??? (8/7/2008 3:33:05 PM)

It is the main reason for those second divorces. [:(]



Wonder_Woman -> RE: Is he Damaged Goods After Divorce??? (8/8/2008 12:50:43 PM)

Actually, we are all damaged goods if we get right down to it. Being human and sinful and all.

But it sounds like he still has issues to work through from his marriage. Until he understands what those issues were, and ackowledges what role he played in contributing to the downfall of the marriage (it takes two to make a marriage work, and it takes two to make a marriage fail), he cannot move on. He's definitely not ready to be in a dating relationship. It's not only unfair to any woman he may become involved with (which is a loose term for whatever is going on with this woman in his life right now), but it's also unfair to him for the simple reason that he hasn't taken the time to heal. Or more specifically, to allow God to heal him.

Do you know if he goes to church? Is he involved in a ministry or group? Has he gone through Divorce Care? Sometimes it's just little things that we aren't aware of that are holding us back. And becoming aware of those little things, whatever they are for him, is what allows us to receive the healing we so desperately need. The healing of wounds is what will lead him to freedom to live his life to the fullest, and will allow him to enter into a healthy relationship.



Luv4self -> RE: Is he Damaged Goods After Divorce??? (8/9/2008 12:47:32 AM)

I gave him the link for a divorce care support group in his area...hopefully he looks into it! Thank you for the recommendation!



scottiezsister -> RE: Is he Damaged Goods After Divorce??? (8/10/2008 3:28:48 AM)

I do think it's unfair for him to put himself out there "to date" if he's is not ready to be. I'm sorry, but staying in the house watching tv and talking is not dating. That does show his limitations and that he's really not ready!



buckifn -> RE: Is he Damaged Goods After Divorce??? (8/10/2008 7:41:22 AM)

I don't think it is possible for anyone to go through a divorce and come out undamaged. Esp. if children are involved.



cynthia -> RE: Is he Damaged Goods After Divorce??? (8/10/2008 4:31:13 PM)

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IonMoon -> RE: Is he Damaged Goods After Divorce??? (8/10/2008 4:58:26 PM)

I don't think it is anyone else's business but the two dating to determine what makes a good date... Someone shouldn't feel pressured to go out to dinner/movies, etc if they don't enjoy that.

And unless they have some agreement to only date eachother, I don't see why the woman seeing other people would be a problem either way. I think too many people get too involved/serious too quickly,

Dating is about two people spending time together. What they do isn't important. ANd the goal of dating can be to find a spouse or it could just be to have someone to hang out with. Or something else. And as long as everyone is on the same page with that, I don't see anything wrong with it either.

So, I think it is important to focus on what is really a problem here and ignore the things that are personal preference.

If he is in pain from his divorce, he should get help with that- but he is an adult. If she is unhappy in where the relationship is--she needs to speak up or move on; but again- she is an adult.

I personally wouldn't want to meddle in an adult friend's love life!

Tara P



twinkly -> RE: Is he Damaged Goods After Divorce??? (8/10/2008 7:11:07 PM)

from personal experience, i would think he is not any where near ready to date and his actions show this. obviously she is looking for more than he is ready or capable of giving at this time. she is his "rebound" and she is going to get hurt in the end if he is not 100% honest with her right now. i think a lot of us have rebounds relationships after our marriages end. (yes, i am divorced so i know). it feels good to have someone give us the attention and admiration we were starving for in our marriages. we jump into something right away before we have had a chance to truly heal. very rarely do these rebounds work out.

in the middle is not a good place to be and i feel they have put you there by her and him talking to you. i would tell him he needs to be upfront about what he is willing and able to give at this time and if that is less than what this girl is looking for, to let her go so she can find a man who is on the same page she is. it is only fair to both of them.



scottiezsister -> RE: Is he Damaged Goods After Divorce??? (8/11/2008 12:21:18 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: twinkly
he needs to be upfront about what he is willing and able to give at this time and if that is less than what this girl is looking for, to let her go so she can find a man who is on the same page she is. it is only fair to both of them.

I absolutely agree with you on this! I don't think he wants to let her go bc she fills some type of need for him. People don't need to advertise themself as ready for a relationship if they're not ready...it starts a bad foundation from the start!



hotsaucygma -> RE: Is he Damaged Goods After Divorce??? (8/11/2008 10:29:38 AM)

In fairness to this guy, he may not realize how "not ready" he is relationship wise right now. I think many people think they are ready because the divorce is "over". When hurting people find someone that is kind to them and wants to spend time with them of course they want that, it soothes the wounds! But I would venture to guess that 99.9% of people are not ready to be in a relationship only a few months after their divorce.

Until my own divorce and going to DivorceCare, I would not have known how unwise it would be to date someone newly divorced. People really need time to get back to "normal" (whatever that is...).



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