My heart won't let go (Full Version)

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shiningsunflower -> My heart won't let go (8/6/2008 2:09:24 PM)

I have prayed for strength, I have prayed for guidance, and I have prayed for wisdom through all of this. I still seem to be holding onto something that I'm not sure I should be holding onto. We dated a couple months and everything was great up until I lost trust in him. I understand people come in and out of your life when you need them and I know he was nothing less than my rock during that time in my life. But, almost a year after the split, I still think about him everyday. He still sends an email and calls me every once in awhile just to check up on me. We never discuss the relationship and we are on a friends basis. Is there a reason I still think about him so often or am I reading to much into my thoughts on him? I've tried other relationships and my heart is not broken nor am I unhappy in my life I have now. I'm just curious on other thoughts on this. I seem to be in a stand still. Any advice and comments are appreciated. Have a blessed day.



deermousie -> RE: My heart won't let go (8/6/2008 6:35:00 PM)

Bless your heart, dear one; you're having a bad time. I'm sorry.

It's probably not healthy to continue in this emotional state. Every time you think of him, tell yourself you will think of something else: maybe God's love for you? A verse? Refocus your attention.

If you are fantacizing about him, stop it today. Don't play with "what if" in your mind; God didn't give this guy to you.

I'm guessing he's a nice guy and doesn't know the problem you're having. You might ask him to not contact you for a year... or forever.

Think of it this way: if God brings a wonderful man for you to marry next month, do you want him to find you dreaming of some other guy? One that you can't marry but won't let go of?

Sometimes a good way is to get busier and go do something. Go volunteer at the local rescue mission (I did, and had a blast, too) or learn a new language or take a class or study for a better job. Go do something that can help your life. Go to the Y and take a dance class and have fun, too. Offer to bring snacks.

I built a car engine, just to see if I could (I'm not recommending this), and when I met the guy I would marry, it was the first thing he found out about me. He was interested! [:)]

God bless you, dear heart. I am praying for you today. (((Hugs)))



MWD -> RE: My heart won't let go (8/6/2008 6:42:25 PM)

> Is there a reason I still think about him so often or am
> I reading to much into my thoughts on him?

I've never been a proponent of remaining friends after a break-up. All you really wind up doing is prolonging the relationship. He needs to disappear from your life, and I mean now, and I mean one hundred percent. You can do this is a polite, restrained, respectful way, so don't sweat that part of it.

Look how you described your current state: your heart is "not broken," you are "not unhappy." To me, that sounds like a pretty good definition of mere existence. In other words, no positives, no joy.

I don't know why you are still thinking of him. You're the one who would know best. Maybe you keep seeing the missed opportunities because of what he did, so your head fills with What Ifs on a daily basis. Maybe you imagine away whatever he did to ruin things and that makes you 100% gaga over him (again?), but you won't admit that to yourself. In any case, regular contact will regularly remind you of all the positives in the relationship, and it's precisely the memories of all those positives that you need to distance yourself from in order to come out clean and new for whatever new guy(s) you meet. That can happen only with no contact.



delete123 -> RE: My heart won't let go (8/6/2008 9:18:51 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: shiningsunflower

He still sends an email and calls me every once in awhile just to check up on me.



This is why you still think of him. He keeps contacting you giving you reminders that he is still around and part of your life to an extent.

By maintaining this "friendship" you are in a sense stopping any future plans the Lord has for you.

Let the dead bury the dead and let him go.

Start working towards a new tomorrow and the sun in your heart will still shine when it rains

CRH



shiningsunflower -> RE: My heart won't let go (8/7/2008 12:12:38 AM)

I can honestly say I don't fantasize about him or play the what if game in my mind. He hurt me and he lied and I'm not sure if I am even associating him with this kind of role. Yes, he is deep in my heart. When he starts playing the "I miss you and love you" card, I try and shrug it off. That is when I lose my strength and look to God for answers. I have forgiven him for what he did that caused me to lose my trust. There have been times I have thought that he is trying to not necessarily use me but, keep me close in case things don't work out in his favor with someone else. I'm better than that! I know God has a plan for me and he obviously isn't it, right? Inside I know all of you are right though. Sometimes you just need a little push to look outside the box. Thank you so very much for all of your help.



Sadey -> RE: My heart won't let go (8/7/2008 12:35:53 PM)

Well you are trying to go on with your life and he keeps sticking himself into your thoughts and heart. When I quite smoking and it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, if every couple of months I'd had a cigarette, trust me I would not have quit smoking. If an acoholic had a drink every month or so do you think they could give up liquor? No and so why are you making this so hard on yourself? Please take the advice to stop all contact and stick to it. Be firm with him and don't let him weasle his way back into your life or to keep stringing you along.



jaimestarcross -> RE: My heart won't let go (8/7/2008 12:49:03 PM)

by all means don't allow this man to keep you around as his
lady in waiting!
So he's moved on with someone else but he still wants to keep
his foot in the door so to speak, slam the door shut!



twinkly -> RE: My heart won't let go (8/9/2008 9:24:54 PM)

I had someone like this in my life. It made it IMPOSSIBLE for me to move. I finally had to cut him out. I had to email and tell him that there could be no more contact. I blocked him from being able to email me or call me.

It was hard at first, but then it was wonderful! I did not have to worry if there might be an email or a call. I was free to move forward.

As TD Jakes says " Let It Go!"



agapetos -> RE: My heart won't let go (8/10/2008 2:35:38 PM)

quote:

When he starts playing the "I miss you and love you" card, I try and shrug it off. That is when I lose my strength and look to God for answers. I have forgiven him for what he did that caused me to lose my trust. There have been times I have thought that he is trying to not necessarily use me but, keep me close in case things don't work out in his favor with someone else.
You need to cut of contact with him. Tell him to stop contacting you. I'm not suprised you can't stop thinking about him when he's emailing you and telling you that he misses you and loves you.

These are HIS problems. He has to learn to deal with the consequences of his actions ~ he hurt you, he lost you.

Yes, you are still hurting, but he's not allowing you to heal.



TorchHeart -> RE: My heart won't let go (8/10/2008 6:04:33 PM)

A few questions:

- Why did you lose trust in him? You said he lied. Did he cheat on you? Was it something else he was dishonest about?

- Do you know for certain that he's with someone else?

- Are you with someone else?

- Are you both available?

- Does he seem to want to get back together with you?



agapetos -> RE: My heart won't let go (8/10/2008 7:59:21 PM)

With all due respect, I'm not sure that it's necessary for the op to answer those questions.



TorchHeart -> RE: My heart won't let go (8/10/2008 8:55:19 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: agapetos

With all due respect, I'm not sure that it's necessary for the op to answer those questions.



Well, nobody's going to MAKE them answer those questions, so they don't have to. But I personally disagree. I think the answers to them might lead to some better/more introspective advice. For example:

- I see people suggesting that the other person in this relationship has someone else, and that they're just stringing her along. I see no indication that this is the case. I see where she said she's thought this might be the case, but that isn't confirmed. he could very well be oblivious to what is going on, or could be trying to get her to come back to him.

- There is no indication that this relationship couldn't/shouldn't be rekindled, and that maybe these thoughts that the OP is having are God's way of telling her that, yet I see people only telling her to get away from him/break off contact with him. We don't know why they broke up; only that it was his fault because he lied about something. Could he have changed? Could there still be something there? I see no indication that these people are both taken by somebody else.

- I see no reason why they can't remain friends, but I see people suggesting that they end all contact.

I realize that I'm not the biggest believer in love, but with all do respect, maybe asking some questions to get a better idea of all that is going on in this situation would be a good idea.

If you disagree with this, however, or if I've missed something, please explain to me why or what.



gaylel1 -> RE: My heart won't let go (8/11/2008 12:55:51 AM)

Ok, this is going to sound harsh, but how are you gonna allow yourself to heal if you constantly think about this indivusal? I mean, come on here, in order to heal and to move on you need to starting right now let him go, and I mean let him go.

He is part of your past, not your future. And things like this are hindering you from seeking the Lord, better yet, it is hindering you from your blessings--why, because you are holding on to something that is dead and buried.

I'm saying this in love and concern because I've been there too, being promised of love, and he moved on to someone else.

And maybe, God did not want you with that indivisual anyways.



TorchHeart -> RE: My heart won't let go (8/11/2008 9:16:43 AM)

OP, do you actually want this person out of your life? Do you want to put them in the past, or do you want to remain in contact with them and maybe try a relationship with them again?

To me, it sounds like you'd like to try and get back together with them, but at the same time, you don't want to get hurt by them in the same way (and since your life isn't worse off without them, why should you risk going through that turmoil, again). That's all logical. What you have to do is decide which you want, and then stick by your decision.

If you WANT to be done with them and you have no interest in ever trying to get back together with them, then the advice that you're reading here really IS the best. You need to tell them that you don't have any interest in getting back together with them, and then (for your own good) break off contact with them.

If, however, you think that maybe they've changed and you want to give them another chance, then I would say tell them that and simply proceed with caution. Maybe God really DOES want you back together with them; maybe He doesn't.

Whatever choice you make, the sooner you make it, the sooner you can get past the feelings that are bothering you.



sudden -> RE: My heart won't let go (8/11/2008 4:14:28 PM)

Dear Shiningsunflower:

You say you only dated a couple of months but now you have been in longing mode for a year.

Please ask this man to stop contacting you - it is only feeding your longing for him and it would truly be kinder if he stopped.

Every time you think about him consciously say these words to yourself: "Why would I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me?" - it always cured me quick

Sudden



ebony101 -> RE: My heart won't let go (8/11/2008 6:05:45 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: shiningsunflower
I can honestly say I don't fantasize about him or play the what if game in my mind. He hurt me and he lied and I'm not sure if I am even associating him with this kind of role. Yes, he is deep in my heart. When he starts playing the "I miss you and love you" card, I try and shrug it off. That is when I lose my strength and look to God for answers. I have forgiven him for what he did that caused me to lose my trust. There have been times I have thought that he is trying to not necessarily use me but, keep me close in case things don't work out in his favor with someone else. I'm better than that! I know God has a plan for me and he obviously isn't it, right? Inside I know all of you are right though. Sometimes you just need a little push to look outside the box. Thank you so very much for all of your help.


Hi sunflower, I was on vacation, just came back and read your message, I noticed that you haven't posted anything since the 7th but I hope that you're still checking the thread.

I just wanted to give you advice from someone who's been in exactly the same position that you are in right now. Been in a relationship with a guy who lied to me and destroyed the trust that I had placed in him. The only difference between you and I are that my relationship with this guy occurred only a few months ago and yours occurred a year or so ago. So I'm fresh out of this relationship.

I agree with the other posters about cutting all contact but I know that this is easier said than done. But cutting all contact is exaactly what you've got to do right now. When I first found out that the guy I was involved with had lied to me, I still kept in contact with him, by trying to tell him it was over and he always managed to weasel his way back into my good graces (3 times). A friend of mine told me to just stop responding to his emails and texts, don't tell him that it's over, let him figure it out, and I did. It was really hard to do. At first, I stopped taking his calls, I still read his texts, but did not reply to them. Now I've reached the stage, where I don't read his texts at all. I admit that sometimes I want to read and respond to them, and once in a while I take a peak at what he sends, and I want to reply but I tell myself don't, & God gives me the strength to not send a reply.

So, I know that it's going to be hard, you'll always have the good memories and I don't deny myself those - he treated me like a queen, and I will always remember that. But the lies and the dishonesty mean that we can't be together. Your ex will continue to lie to you. He isn't going to change - a tiger can't change his stripes. So I suggest that you take the first step (which is the hardest step to make) don't take his calls and don't respond to his texts, eventually he'll get the message.

P.S. Rihanna's song "Take a bow" is a good one to sing anytime you feel you might want to talk/respond to him.



shiningsunflower -> RE: My heart won't let go (8/11/2008 7:05:41 PM)

I am so sorry that I haven't been on lately to respond. I had one hectic weekend! Anyway, to answer some questions:

-He told me he had never been married, but ex-wife came along and started creating problems. He didn't cheat. I know that. He said they were married for 3 months and it was a huge mistake, but he had no reason to lie to me about it.

-No, he isn't right now, but, he has been.

-No, I'm not with anyone either.

-Yes, we are.

-I don't think he wants to get back together. Like I said, he says he loves me and misses me, but, I really think it is just as a friend.

I am having a rough time letting go. That is the only reason I was asking about this. I sat down and really thought about it and no I don't want another relationship with him. At least not right now. I need to grow for me and I think the only way I can do that is to forget about him and who I was with him. So, as of Friday, I have not taken any of his calls, texts, or emails. I know it's a FRESH start, but I know I can do it with the help of the Lord. Thank you all again for ALL OF YOUR HELP. God bless.



agapetos -> RE: My heart won't let go (8/11/2008 7:30:05 PM)

I'm glad that you've decided what to do ~ even though it is hard.

I'm not sure if you've done this, but it may be worth you telling him not to contact you again ~ by email so you don't have to speak with him. You don't have to give any reasons, just tell him that you don't want him contacting you and that you're not prepared to enter into a discussion about it.

It will save any worry you may have about hearing from him and so help the healing.

I think that you'll heal from this and think less about his as time goes when you don't have contact, though it may not be easy.



twinkly -> RE: My heart won't let go (8/11/2008 8:16:44 PM)

block him from emailing you, it is easy to do.
you may even be able to block his number from being able to call you depending on your carrier.

it just makes it easier to move on that way. that is what i did because otherwise when i would see an email or call from him, i would be tempted to read it or take it, and i would be back to square one.



TorchHeart -> RE: My heart won't let go (8/11/2008 10:37:14 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: shiningsunflower

I am so sorry that I haven't been on lately to respond. I had one hectic weekend! Anyway, to answer some questions:

-He told me he had never been married, but ex-wife came along and started creating problems. He didn't cheat. I know that. He said they were married for 3 months and it was a huge mistake, but he had no reason to lie to me about it.

-No, he isn't right now, but, he has been.

-No, I'm not with anyone either.

-Yes, we are.

-I don't think he wants to get back together. Like I said, he says he loves me and misses me, but, I really think it is just as a friend.

I am having a rough time letting go. That is the only reason I was asking about this. I sat down and really thought about it and no I don't want another relationship with him. At least not right now. I need to grow for me and I think the only way I can do that is to forget about him and who I was with him. So, as of Friday, I have not taken any of his calls, texts, or emails. I know it's a FRESH start, but I know I can do it with the help of the Lord. Thank you all again for ALL OF YOUR HELP. God bless.


OK. I'm sorry if the questions I asked were kind of personal, but I just wanted a better idea of things.

The others are probably right in telling you that you should ask this person to break off contact with you for a while. I wouldn't say simply changing your e-mail address or blocking him from e-mailing and calling you is necessary. That might be going a little too far, right now, unless he absolutely refuses to leave you alone.

Ask him to (as a friend) refrain from contacting you for a while until you can get things sorted out for yourself regarding these feelings you have for him. I don't think that there's any reason why you can't be upfront with him about this, and if he's really a friend, he'll understand (I'm not saying that he'll like it; who would) and he'll abide by your wishes. Warn him that it might be quite a while. And then go from there. Maybe some time in the future (like someone else mentioned in this thread) you can interact with him as a friend, but until then you're best to just try and isolate yourself from him.



twinkly -> RE: My heart won't let go (8/12/2008 7:23:54 AM)

certainly either talk to him or send him an email (i vote for email) that states you desire no contact at this time and why. if he does not comply then i would block his email address from being able to email you, etc.

i made this request of an exboyfriend who wanted to be friends but would come crying every few months saying he still loved me, etc. it is manipulation. they want to still know you are there, even if they don't want a relationship. my wishes were not respected because he would be good for awhile and not email or call but then like a month or so down the line i would get an email just saying "hope all is well" or something like that. it was a blatant disrespect of my boundary i had set up and it would get me thinking about him again, etc, which is what he wanted. he needed his fix then i would not hear from him again for another month or so. a lot of guys are like this, that is why i suggest blocking him. that was my only salvation.



deermousie -> RE: My heart won't let go (8/12/2008 5:03:27 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: shiningsunflower
-He told me he had never been married, but ex-wife came along and started creating problems. He didn't cheat. I know that. He said they were married for 3 months and it was a huge mistake, but he had no reason to lie to me about it.


Please ask yourself: "In all my growing up years, did I ever say to myself, 'Someday I want a divorced man who will lie to me come sweep me off my feet and marry me'"?

Me, neither. [:D]

Sure he had a reason to lie - he was less likely to get your attention if he told you who he really was. It was motivated by what he could get. Not give. Life has givers and takers, and takers don't make good marriage partners.

There are some divorced guys out there who would be upfront with who they were who'd enjoy getting to know and maybe dating a nice woman like you. Good guys don't lie to women or anyone else, no matter what their circumstances.

I think you discovered you got a bad one, and thank God you found out before you went any farther in this relationship. You dodged a bullet. It's kind of like the saying, "If you loan a friend $20 and you never see them again, you got a bargain." [:D]



kellybelly -> RE: My heart won't let go (1/4/2009 3:49:46 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: deermousie

Bless your heart, dear one; you're having a bad time. I'm sorry.

It's probably not healthy to continue in this emotional state. Every time you think of him, tell yourself you will think of something else: maybe God's love for you? A verse? Refocus your attention.

If you are fantacizing about him, stop it today. Don't play with "what if" in your mind; God didn't give this guy to you.

I'm guessing he's a nice guy and doesn't know the problem you're having. You might ask him to not contact you for a year... or forever.

Think of it this way: if God brings a wonderful man for you to marry next month, do you want him to find you dreaming of some other guy? One that you can't marry but won't let go of?

Sometimes a good way is to get busier and go do something. Go volunteer at the local rescue mission (I did, and had a blast, too) or learn a new language or take a class or study for a better job. Go do something that can help your life. Go to the Y and take a dance class and have fun, too. Offer to bring snacks.

I built a car engine, just to see if I could (I'm not recommending this), and when I met the guy I would marry, it was the first thing he found out about me. He was interested! [:)]

God bless you, dear heart. I am praying for you today. (((Hugs)))


I know this is an old thread ... but this was such good advice for anyone having a hard time letting go, even if the op is no longer in need of advice. It was something I needed to hear. Thank you.



SurpassingPeace -> RE: My heart won't let go (1/4/2009 5:05:54 PM)

quote:

Please ask yourself: "In all my growing up years, did I ever say to myself, 'Someday I want a divorced man who will lie to me come sweep me off my feet and marry me'"?

Me, neither.


Deermousie, you just have a wonderful way of putting things into there proper perspective.

As to the OP, I agree with everyone who said to cut it off. It really will be the only way to heal and move on.

Karen



StephenJ -> RE: My heart won't let go (1/4/2009 6:58:11 PM)

I say confront him personally about it. Don't hide behind email, or a phone call. If you have something to say, say it to his face. If it's possible to salvage your friendship then okay, if not then it's not.



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