Request for Help (Full Version)

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Skywalker2B -> Request for Help (8/4/2008 1:28:26 PM)

Hi, all. It's been a while since I've been on these boards trying to find answers and support for my marriage issues. However, I come here today asking for some help not for me or my family, but for some very good friends of ours. Here is the situation:

They are a christian family of 3: Dad, Mom, and 10 year old son. Mom is a cancer survivor, but has a lot of medical issues from various drugs and possibly other reasons (heredity, environmental exposure, etc.). She has been in and out of the hospital and numerous surgeries. The son was worried about losing mom and they even had him in councelling. Mom has been a little over protective, but is getting better. Dad is very sports oriented and pushes the son to excel in various sports, usually all going on at the same time. The son is also in a very good private school (thanks to wealthy relative) in which he makes excellent grades, but is very stressed about them. Dad recently gave the family a scare of a heart attack, but it turned out to be stress related and not his heart. As you can imagine, all of this builds tremendous stress on the family unit. Mom talked to my wife and I last night about problems they have been having with their son (we have one about the same age and have some similar behavior issues that we have been just chalking up to "the age" and "boys"). Well, their son is going way beyond normal boyhood issues and is causing major striffe between mom and dad. He is being extremely disrespectful to both, even telling mom that he hates her and wishes that she would just die. Dad is not doing well with the situation and thinks that he should just move out and only see the son on weekends. The son responded with "good, then I'd get a new mom and dad".

There of course is much more going on here, but that's the bulk of what I know of the situation. Mom and Dad have come to my wife and I on several occasions to ask for our "christian" perspective. While they do go to church, I don't think that they are too grounded in the Word and they believe that we are a good source for Christian perspective. I told mom that I would be willing to talk to the son, but feel that I'd also have to talk to mom and dad as well, probably separately. I'm not a trained councellor or anything, but would like to help. Can anyone here give me some advice on what verses I should use to talk to the boy, as well as the two parents?



pbaribeault -> RE: Request for Help (8/4/2008 4:28:21 PM)

The boy sounds like he has far too much stress on him for a boy his age. A high-intensity school, multiple sports being 'pushed', mom's health and possible death, dad's health and possible death, marital strife to the point of possible separation... a boy like that would have less trouble coping with being stranded on a desert island than living his ordinary everyday life.

He's 10. It just can't be done.

Plus, I take strong issue with this statement that the boy
quote:

is causing major striffe between mom and dad.
If that's just your careless wording, no problem, but if the parents or you as a confidante actually thinks this, there needs to be a major reality check and re-assignment of responsibility. His behaviour may be troublesome, and perhaps they argue about it and it adds to their stress... but he bears no burden for their marriage relationship. If they can't cope with stress or work out their difficulties regarding parenting decisions, it's neither fair nor accurate to call the boy the "cause".

The boy needs someone in his court that is an authority figure to his parents (pastor, counselor or mentor... professional Christian counselor being the best option.) This person must gain the trust and confidence of the boy alone. Then the parents should be willing to go along with an easing-of-pressure plan, alongside a behaviour management plan.

Easing of pressure involves the practical measures of: (1) Quitting most sports and making sure that one remaining sport is always characterized as recreation only. This should not be made out as a punishment. If necessary, the parents might say that the activities were too expensive or something. (2) Toning down focus on grades and advocating with teachers against undue stress on students. Parents should implement a reasonable maximum homework time per evening and write a note of excuse for any unfinished work.

And the more important relationship measures of: (3) Maintaining privacy regarding medical information, appointments, tests etc. Speaking in a calm, everyday tone about how there is nothing to worry about, that he will always be taken care of, that if he wants details of the condition, they will buy him a book. (4) Maintaining a sense of security regarding his parents marriage. If the father ever does move out, the boy should find out the day it happens, when dad has his own new place and the topic can be broached in an already-decided matter of fact way. He should not be subject to overhearing arguments, threats, anger, despair or any other high running emotions between his parents. He deserves better than that.

Once the parents have done their job in these 4 areas, then they can begin to expect their son to do his job as far as managing his behaviour and respecting them. At this point the boy is a walking bundle of imploding emotion... and that emotion is called terror. Until he is safe and properly cared for, a 10 year old's inability to behave himself is a function of his environment, not his own choices.



creationtalk -> RE: Request for Help (8/4/2008 7:20:30 PM)

quote:

their son is going way beyond normal boyhood issues and is causing major striffe between mom and dad


Perhaps the parents are stressed by his behavior, but for a 10 yo boy, the amount of stress the child is under is enormous. I have found when MY son acts up, it's usually because his MAMA isn't paying enough attention to him and/or is expecting too much of him. Given everything this boy is dealing with, I'm not at all surprised he is acting out. Although I'm sure he doesn't truly want anything bad to happen to his parents, but he is desperate for relief and may honestly feel like it would be better if his parents were gone.

I agree that the child needs someone he can trust to talk to about all the stress he is feeling. I also think that the parents need to get their act together and start thinking about their son.

Sports-nut dad needs to back off and let son decide IF he wants to play sports and pick ONE at a time.

It also sounds like Dad needs to figure out a way to drop some stress as well--and the way to do this is NOT to run away from the problems (by moving out). He needs to be a man and start dealing with his marriage and the stress and show his son a more positive way to deal with problems than running from them. This poor kid is terrified he's going to lose one of his parents--one way or the other. If the parents want their son to shape up, then the best way to do that is to take the focus off the child and put it on themselves--they should work on strengthening their relationship and do their best to give their son a solid foundation (their marriage) onto which he can cling.

Both parents need to make it a point to spend time with their son doing what ever HE wants (with in reason--and a budget if needed). Maybe have a family night where all they do is play games as a family.



Skywalker2B -> RE: Request for Help (8/4/2008 10:01:45 PM)

Two very good responses. Thank you both! I think both are dead on. BTW, I think my choice of wording was probably not the best. I, and they, realize that the relationship problems do not lie on the son. I will, as carefully and lovingly as possible, share this with the parents. Thanks again.



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