quote:

ORIGINAL: CheshireMuse

This is a bit lengthy - I’ll try to be as concise as possible.

My father died on June 26 of this year. He had not been sick - he was the picture of health one day and had a massive stroke the next. He was only 66. I loved him so much that I can’t even begin to express the depth of my sadness. Which is exactly the problem.

You see, one of my husband’s best qualities is how committed he is to communication. In his mind, it is the cornerstone of a good marriage (I don't disagree). He wants me to tell him how I feel… and he actually listens. He can read my expressions like a book.

As a rule, I’m very reserved. Every little thing that flits through my head does not come out of my mouth. In fact, most of what flits through my head stays right there. I can keep secrets, and work in a field where it is actually a contractual obligation. Basically, I don’t talk much. (DH jokes that he’s the only man in the Free World who has to force his wife to talk about her feelings… lol)

Since Daddy died, I’ve become aware of my DH watching me when he thinks I don’t see (or else my cheese has completely slipped off my cracker and I’m just paranoid)… and he’s begun to push me to express my grief over my Daddy’s death. Only thing is - I don’t want to. Even though it’s been a month, I’m only just now beginning to wrap my own mind around it.

I explained to him that I wasn’t ready to talk about it (I haven’t even gotten to the place where I can even mourn properly - it all happened so fast)… and that seemed to satisfy him for a bit. However, lately, he’s become more insistent that I talk about it.

It’s making me feel defensive…. In all honesty, it’s making me not want to open up at all.

It’s not like I don’t ever share my feelings with him…. It’s just that I know myself well enough to have learned that not every emotion is worthy of discussion. If something bothers me, I’ll think about it… if there’s a legitimate gripe or problem that needs dealing with, I’ll bring it up and we’ll discuss it. If not, I don’t waste his time or mine.

So, I’ve come to you gentlemen because I don’t have any other male figures in my life to ask (that I feel comfortable sharing this with) and I would like to understand why my DH is suddenly so rabid to have me “go there” before I’m ready… He understands me better than I do myself, sometimes - and so far, he’s always waited patiently for me to speak. I don’t understand why this is situation is different. He has to know I’ll come to him, doesn’t he? I always have….

quote:

ORIGINAL: freakofnature

First of all, I'm sorry to hear of your loss. Tragic and hard to understand. But God has blessed you with a good husband. .

So! With that said, I think our culture, IMO, has immersed us with psychology, everything has to be talked about, everyone needs to be on some kind of psychotic drug to calm us down, or speed us up... Psychologist are very high in demand now days, it seems everyone has a psycho problem. So maybe it is that he recognizes this because we are always told that if we don't talk about our feelings and that if he doesn't get you to open up that somehow your going to just blow up some day and be put away in the ward because you haven't talked a lot about it. And the unexpected death of a parent is an issue that some would consider an emmotionally life changing event. And maybe he feels that because you aren't talking about it that somehow you are breaking down on the inside. IDK just MHO.

quote:

ORIGINAL: OneJohn410

quote:

ORIGINAL: CheshireMuse

This is a bit lengthy - I’ll try to be as concise as possible.

My father died on June 26 of this year. He had not been sick - he was the picture of health one day and had a massive stroke the next. He was only 66. I loved him so much that I can’t even begin to express the depth of my sadness. Which is exactly the problem.

You see, one of my husband’s best qualities is how committed he is to communication. In his mind, it is the cornerstone of a good marriage (I don't disagree). He wants me to tell him how I feel… and he actually listens. He can read my expressions like a book.

As a rule, I’m very reserved. Every little thing that flits through my head does not come out of my mouth. In fact, most of what flits through my head stays right there. I can keep secrets, and work in a field where it is actually a contractual obligation. Basically, I don’t talk much. (DH jokes that he’s the only man in the Free World who has to force his wife to talk about her feelings… lol)

Since Daddy died, I’ve become aware of my DH watching me when he thinks I don’t see (or else my cheese has completely slipped off my cracker and I’m just paranoid)… and he’s begun to push me to express my grief over my Daddy’s death. Only thing is - I don’t want to. Even though it’s been a month, I’m only just now beginning to wrap my own mind around it.

I explained to him that I wasn’t ready to talk about it (I haven’t even gotten to the place where I can even mourn properly - it all happened so fast)… and that seemed to satisfy him for a bit. However, lately, he’s become more insistent that I talk about it.

It’s making me feel defensive…. In all honesty, it’s making me not want to open up at all.

It’s not like I don’t ever share my feelings with him…. It’s just that I know myself well enough to have learned that not every emotion is worthy of discussion. If something bothers me, I’ll think about it… if there’s a legitimate gripe or problem that needs dealing with, I’ll bring it up and we’ll discuss it. If not, I don’t waste his time or mine.

So, I’ve come to you gentlemen because I don’t have any other male figures in my life to ask (that I feel comfortable sharing this with) and I would like to understand why my DH is suddenly so rabid to have me “go there” before I’m ready… He understands me better than I do myself, sometimes - and so far, he’s always waited patiently for me to speak. I don’t understand why this is situation is different. He has to know I’ll come to him, doesn’t he? I always have….

My sincere condolences on your loss.

Thank you so very much...

Forgive the initial babble here. June 26 to Juy 24... that's 29 days through today ago.

Were I married, my head would be spinning with thoughts that she could be experiencing post-traumatic stress disorder- that my wife has been put in such unexpected shock that she's on a denial track that is going to be unhealthy all of a sudden. Also, that she has a job that requires her to keep secrets (I'm thinking social work here- where it's not just keeping secrets but having to wall up your own opinions, isolate them from the situation, and follow a code of ethics that could grate against them), that he's concerned you are losing your ability to be openly expressive about things.

Nothing so noble as social work.... I work in the advertising dept of a print media venue - not sales though - I handle client lists, billing, payroll.. financial stuff like that...but as mundane as that sounds, security around here is equal to or greater than that of the NSA... LOL... Non-disclosure agreements, non-compete agreements, confidentiality clauses.... Oh how we stand guard over our clients... especially the high-dollar ones... lol

I don't know about this proper mourning comment. I have not looked, but I'm sure there's no Mourning for Dummies book out there,

That made me laugh....

nor anything else written about how to properly mourn. Certainly you let your employer know about his death, and were given some leave time?

Yes. Daddy had his stroke on Sunday, June 22nd and passed away on Thursday, June 26. I was with him through that whole week, and then had several days bereavement leave.

But nothing happened then. And like you said, nothing will happen until you want to flip 'your mourn switch'? Is that scary to you?

Honestly? Yes, it is.

To your husband and anyone that knows you, to understand that you haven't been a total mess for a couple days, I'd think they'd be terrified for your own health. That something could set you off while you are driving somewhere, and you drive off the road and are seriously injured or worse.

Please really do consider that there's been a major change in your life, and that packing it all in is not a healthy thing. Get it taken care of, and taken care of soon. It WILL be okay to do this, and it IS a natural way to release that missing him and accept that he's no longer alive. Don't let yourself be challenged by any other painful losses of family or friends at the same time you are figuring out how to grieve your dad.

Father God,
I pray this babble from my heart and through my keyboard mean something to those out there that are slow with emotions, as I am, and that CheshireMuse soon find peace for her aching heart and realize why others are so concerned about her.

In Jesus' name,
Amen

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aenjal

Sometimes keeping unresolved issues, emotions, and inner conflicts locked away can really start to stack up. Maybe you should try having an in depth discussion with your husband about why you don't feel a need/desire to talk about certain topics, and then see where the discussion leads. Maybe he can read you like a book, but if he doesn't know what you are thinking about, then he can only guess and that could lead to excessive worrying on his part (maybe that's why he feels a sense of urgency to discuss the topic in detail).

Oh, by the way, what does DH stand for? i'm new here, so i'm not familiar with that abbreviation.