why do women date (and marry) jerks? (Full Version)

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backrowbaptist -> why do women date (and marry) jerks? (7/23/2008 6:18:25 PM)

The age-old question from my single days (I'm married now and, according to my wife, she did NOT marry a jerk). She says women do it thinking they can change the man. My theory is as follows - women marry men of low character (jerks) so they can feel better about they're character, i.e., "I may not be the best person, but compared to my @#*%** husband, I'm not so bad."
Any thoughts?



Geeky1 -> RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? (7/23/2008 6:31:30 PM)

I think my problem has been being too willing to give someone the benefit of the doubt, until his actions pretty much remove all doubt...which sometimes takes me longer to realize than it should.



Jenny-Fair -> RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? (7/23/2008 6:58:51 PM)

I disagree. I think there are as many reasons as there are women, but I don't know ANY woman who would marry a man they disliked or could not respect hoping it would make themselves feel better.



evryknee -> RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? (7/23/2008 8:54:33 PM)

Because they are not always jerks. There is a good side there, somewhere. And when this side is seen, the woman gets excited to see him being sensitive and meeting her emotional "needs". Then she sees hope that he can be like that always. And he isn't, but there are enough glimmers of hope to keep her going.

Then of course, there's the good girls dating bad boys syndrome. This might start with rebelliousness, but there are numerous other stuff, too (like family dynamics, The savior Syndrome (trying to save someone), etc).

Of course, I could be wrong on these thoughts...That's happened a few times.....per day...



PaleHawkWoman -> RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? (7/23/2008 9:41:14 PM)

Why do women date/marry jerks?

A. Love is blind... and often stupid.

B. Women DO think they can change guys once they're married,while guys are relieved they no longer have to try to be charming- once married they can be themselves.

C. Women are often willing to put up with men being jerks because they believe that this is the best they can do at finding a mate.

D. Some women have a martyr complex or the need for drama to give their lives purpose.

E. Some guys have always been jerks, but some evolve into jerks because they are insecure around women and act out to conceal their insecurity.



crankius -> RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? (7/23/2008 10:19:44 PM)

Sometimes, a woman will (subconsciously) be attracted to what is most familiar.

If her father/mother left her as a child, or didn't care for her, or were in some way harmful to her, she will be used to a lack of care and affection. The father especially plays a role in how the woman feels about herself and how she views men.



deermousie -> RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? (7/23/2008 10:41:47 PM)

Lots of good relies here.

One of the marks of a kid of an alcoholic (and I assume, jerky parent) is that they couldn't "fix" their parent so they marry someone just like that parent and try to "fix" them.

Or you get a person who is so desparate to get married they take the first offer and leap before they look. They go into marriage thinking they will get and aren't thinking about how they are to give.

Or, they do want someone worse than them so take the edge off their own guilt.

Or, they think they're going to get a free housekeeper or breadwinner. Another "get" problem.

Marriage is a complex deal, and immature or twisted people aren't up to pulling the yoke together so it doesn't work. God's ways work, and when we are trusting Him and doing things His way, it will work because He'll fine tune the marriage as it goes along.

No one asked for this, but it might help:

Jerk 1 = doesn't know they hurt someone and would be horrified if they knew (and would stop it immediately because they don't like hurting others)

Jerk 2 = knows they are hurting someone, don't care, and will continue if they think they won't get caught (will stop if outed; they want the appearance of a good reputation)

Jerk 3 = hurts people on purpose and doesn't care who knows



captain -> RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? (7/24/2008 12:34:08 AM)

In my humble opinion, the "jerks" are most likely hot looking guys. There are woman who can't get past the exterior.

Men are even worse.



shadowspring -> RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? (7/24/2008 9:28:41 AM)

Oh, and let's not forget the ego boost to the woman who believe she has "tamed the savage beast"!

I know that's how one bad boy from my past hooked "good girls" (I am shamed to say I was not one of them, but was quite a bad person myself at the time).

Those girls obsessed about him and cried long after he left them behind. Every single one of them believed that their relationship was special, and that he would leave his biker buddies behind for them. When it didn't happen that way, they just couldn't accept it for a long time.

It was a calculated part of his whole act- I am quite sure he used the same lines on every girl. "I feel different when I'm with you." "No one has ever gotten to my heart, and I don't just say this to any girl."

Yeah, right. [sm=aside.gif]



jaimestarcross -> RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? (7/24/2008 10:06:18 AM)

From what I've seen ... women who date and marry men that are jerks do so because - around her he displays a bit of humor and flattery to offset any bad display of his character; the other thing I noticed is... jerks are people who are good at putting on a false face with the person they are interested in. They will often make themselves out to be the victim - if someone points out their bad behavior/flaws.



deermousie -> RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? (7/24/2008 11:33:52 AM)

On the flip side of this, I think a gal can cull the jerks and narrow the field to the good guys a lot by applying biblical standards: is he Christian? Is he a Christian with a good reputation with mature Christians who've known him a long time and the pastor approves of him? Does he demonstrate that he knows how to deal with sin, deal with trouble biblically, and love the brethren? A guy who comes out on the positive side of this is going to be better husband material no matter what other problems he may have (and none of us is perfect - only heaven will do that).



laura... -> RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? (7/24/2008 3:04:17 PM)

Pheromones.
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Sorry, it's the only explanation I can come up with.



Nmbr1wife -> RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? (7/26/2008 12:14:26 PM)

When I was single, I dated a lot of jerks. My father wasn't around and my mother wasn't very encouraging or good at building self esteem in her children. Even though I didn't have the self esteem to demand better than how the jerks I dated treated me, I always knew what a real relationship was supposed to be like. I didn't want to be alone so I ended up dating jerks instead of just being single until the right person came along. I didn't want to admit to these shortcomings at the time I was dealing with them, but being older and wiser I see clearly what I was doing. My sister used to say that God blessed me with the gift of being marriage material. Not everyone out there knows how to be or wants to be in a commited relationship, let alone a marriage. But I always wanted to settle down and get married. I guess I had to kiss a few frog jerks to get to my prince, because I have been happily married to a wonderful man for 2 years and 5 months. Some women know they deserve better, but don't have the strength to stand up and demand it. I don't think its a matter of marrying a jerk just so you can say "I may not be the best but compared to my guy...." You must be open minded and consider all aspects that go into a persons mentality.



Focusing -> RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? (7/26/2008 12:49:12 PM)

Many years ago I dated a very nice man. Then we got married and he became a jerk. Turns out, others saw he was a jerk before we were married, but he wasn't a jerk to me at that time, and nobody bothered to say anything to me about him being a jerk to them. Turns out he was very manipulative.

So, my question is ... why are jerks like that?

I'll be perfectly honest: I really resented his behavior. He used and manipulated me.

I also resent the fact that while others saw his true colors, they didn't say anything to me. So, if your friend is dating someone who you think is a jerk, have the courtesy to speak up and say something to your friend. Pray about it and find a way to tell her. It will save her years of heartache. Believe me. I certainly would have appreciated it.



backrowbaptist -> RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? (7/26/2008 4:20:07 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focusing

Many years ago I dated a very nice man. Then we got married and he became a jerk. Turns out, others saw he was a jerk before we were married, but he wasn't a jerk to me at that time, and nobody bothered to say anything to me about him being a jerk to them. Turns out he was very manipulative.

So, my question is ... why are jerks like that?

I'll be perfectly honest: I really resented his behavior. He used and manipulated me.

I also resent the fact that while others saw his true colors, they didn't say anything to me. So, if your friend is dating someone who you think is a jerk, have the courtesy to speak up and say something to your friend. Pray about it and find a way to tell her. It will save her years of heartache. Believe me. I certainly would have appreciated it.

Would you have believed them or been receptive to them at the time if they had said something? I've seen people try to warn women (I tried to warn my sister - big mistake) and meet with hostility, often making the woman more determined to marry the jerk.



Focusing -> RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? (7/26/2008 5:26:28 PM)

Good question backrow! I think I would have slowed down the relationship and considered what they said.

Re your sister, perhaps it was pride. Pride seems to get in the way a lot (not just her, but for a lot of people). It can show up as "I'll prove them wrong..." But there are people, like me, who would listen and consider.

I hope your sister is doing okay. And your relationship with her too.

After making this post earlier, I thought about it and realized I should have added one more thing: as a friend, warning them of your concern is good, but it's equally important to let them know that as their friend you will be there and support them no matter what their choice is. It's their life, and it's their choice, whether you agree with it or not. That's what real friends do. None of those "I told you so" comments. But be there when the relationship starts to crumble. Don't criticize. Don't put down. Be there with an ear willing to listen, let them vent, be a shoulder to cry on ... without adding your own two cents of "yeah, he's a total jerk" ... they might just work things out and he might just come around, and feet really don't taste so good. Been there and learned the hard way. [&:]

But, yes, I do think it's important to share what you see when you see a completely different aspect of their personality.



gaylel1 -> RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? (7/26/2008 6:20:33 PM)

Because women believe anything and everything until the person is found out. Then too, we women are not wise in choosing men because we think that people sweep us off our feet until the people are not too cracked up to be.

I've learned my lesson in that area, and I'm wiser now because I've learned that everyone is not practicing the faith neither they are a believer.



makarizo -> RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? (7/26/2008 10:56:35 PM)

quote:

Any thoughts?

codependency is real, and very common.



TorchHeart -> RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? (7/27/2008 12:07:48 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: deermousie

On the flip side of this, I think a gal can cull the jerks and narrow the field to the good guys a lot by applying biblical standards: is he Christian?



Oh yeah! That's worked SO WELL in the past. [sm=shakinghead.gif]

Sorry deermousie, but I know of a number of people who have tried that and ended up with a real slime bag. One woman I knew even married a pastor, only to discover that he was a complete and utter jerk (I'd love to use another term or two to describe him). Maybe using "Christian standards" might help narrow the chances, but I think that even in Christian circles, you'll find the "jerks."

Personally, I'll never understand the reason why women date and marry some of the guys they do. My best guess is that they get caught up in some dream and forget what qualities to really look for, and instead just go with the first guy who will pay attention to them or say "I love you," regardless of what he's actually like.



deermousie -> RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? (7/27/2008 6:57:04 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TorchHeart

quote:

ORIGINAL: deermousie

On the flip side of this, I think a gal can cull the jerks and narrow the field to the good guys a lot by applying biblical standards: is he Christian?



Oh yeah! That's worked SO WELL in the past. [sm=shakinghead.gif]

Sorry deermousie, but I know of a number of people who have tried that and ended up with a real slime bag. One woman I knew even married a pastor, only to discover that he was a complete and utter jerk (I'd love to use another term or two to describe him). Maybe using "Christian standards" might help narrow the chances, but I think that even in Christian circles, you'll find the "jerks."


Sadly, I have seen it, too, TorchHeart. There was a new guy in our church who seemed really nice, and it took a year to find out he was a pathological liar/thief/felon. Looking back, there were little things we should have picked up on, but this guy was a con and really smooth. That's why I say it's harder to get a jerk past the eyes of a mature Christian (pastor/elders/older people) for years at a time. Class will out, as the Brits say, and so will selfishness. They can't look forever like they're upright when they're corrupt. They leak hints in the short term and scream their failings in the long term.

Understand I'm not talking about garden variety faults that we all have (and hopefully are working on at least one of them in the Lord) but major sin patterns, like the pastor you mentioned who was totally unsuitable for his job and lots of people should have known it.

quote:

Personally, I'll never understand the reason why women date and marry some of the guys they do. My best guess is that they get caught up in some dream and forget what qualities to really look for, and instead just go with the first guy who will pay attention to them or say "I love you," regardless of what he's actually like.



I agree with this, too. Some people, and we women seem to be more prone to this, decide early in a relationship that some guy meets our fantasy and we turn off our eyes and brains (especially if he is touching us and whispering sweet nothings in our ears). We stop listening to others who might say, "I think you should consider this or that, and I don't think that guy/gal is really suitable for you." We're in luuuuuuuvvvv and don't want to burst our bubble! To our sorrow, when we reach the harsh light of day.

I've seen this, too. There's a woman who met a guy on the internet and got engaged to him. A wise Christian couple (who knew the guy all too well, and what a fake he was) strongly counseled her, "We think you should wait a year and get to know him before you marry." But, oh, no, she wanted her dreamboat now. Her life is now a wreck, but I think he enjoys having her support him while he is very unpleasant to her.

So if I were single, I'd want to talk to the pastor/elders of the church where the guy had a good track record for years. A stable guy will likely be in one place for years. I'd insist he not touch me or say emotionally-laden words until the time came that it was obviously God's will for us to marry and we were engaged.

This isn't going to fly with a person who "is in love with love" but for the person carefully picking their way through life's minefield, it could work fine. Prayer is so important, because the faults and future we can't see, God does. And He promises to not withhold any good thing. Ps. 84:11

Oh, and it did work for me. When I was asked out on a date, I quizzed everyone I knew if this was a man of integrity. His pastor thought he was a good guy, a marriage/family counselor who knew me pretty well also knew him, and gave a thumbs up, and numerous godly singles who'd known him (including a roommate) thought he was a godly man. Yes, all this for a date; I was tired of fakes. And if the guy is good enough to date, he will be good enough to marry. We just celebrated our 20th anniversary! [:)]



LkM07 -> RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? (7/28/2008 11:04:28 AM)

I dated a jerk and our relationship started off with me feeling like I was giving him (a not so popular kind of awkward and dorky guy) a chance. I feel for him in HS when I saw he was so talented! I was intrigued by this guy who I'd only known for years of grade school as a guy who was dorky, the guy who did everything the popular guys told him to do to get a laugh but never had friends.. to a Guy who was funny, VERY good at guitar, and SAID he was a christian. I reluctantly started dating him, feel hard for him, got serious with him, enjoyed the fact that He was so amazed about getting a girl like me (young immature ego boost on my part), then quickly was blindsided by him manipulating me! things flipped and he was revealed as a JERK. All he wanted was sex.. and thankfully I stood strong but here is my point.

There was something about being so impressive to him, him becoming a jerk, and me wanting to "tame the beast" as someone has metioned previously. Its a total ego thing I I learned so much from it. He eventually ended up breaking things off with me (we were both miserable with each other) for a girl who would give him what he wanted. I realized quickly in maturing and growing as a Christian why I was so attracted to him even after he became the Jerk and It was based on alot of immaturity, and I think my upbringing, childhood parental experiences that left me feeling like I am valuable only when I can "tame a beast"

So that is my answer to why women/girls go for Jerks. I only hope and pray that EVERY girl gets past this phase/temptation no matter what the reason. It is ALL unhealthy. But God delivers when you ask, and he did for me.

Thankfully now I am married to a wonderful Christian man who is the farthest thing from a Jerk.



derek_from_canada -> RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? (7/28/2008 2:09:30 PM)

Good stuff in the thread above...

I'll give you some other ideas or theories:

women like a project ( especially a man to fix)
women like to be needed (good guys aren't very needy)
women tend to fall for charm over substance (nice guys aren't always socially adept nor deceitful or manipulative)
women are romantic and love a good exciting drama and story to experience. (nice guys are boringly solid)
women have self-esteems that love/need to be supported, and will tolerate nastiness to get that one compliment (nice guys give compliments for no apparent reason, thus can't be trusted... huh? =)

*shrug*

=)



deermousie -> RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? (7/28/2008 4:33:05 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: derek_from_canada

Good stuff in the thread above...

I'll give you some other ideas or theories:

women like a project ( especially a man to fix)
women like to be needed (good guys aren't very needy)
women tend to fall for charm over substance (nice guys aren't always socially adept nor deceitful or manipulative)
women are romantic and love a good exciting drama and story to experience. (nice guys are boringly solid)
women have self-esteems that love/need to be supported, and will tolerate nastiness to get that one compliment (nice guys give compliments for no apparent reason, thus can't be trusted... huh? =)

*shrug*

=)


I think this is often true, Derek, but I submit (and maybe that's what you intended to get across): it's unhealthy.

Fixing a man is playing God. Idolatry.

Women like to be needed - to a limit. I want my husband to need me, but I like it that we can both carry our weight and work great in tandem. I like a guy with a toolbelt, not a pacifier.

Women tend to fall for charm over substance - if they are playing games with arousing their emotions as their priority. That's as bad as a guy who just dates for sex.

Women are romantic and love a good exciting drama and story to experience - well, yeah. <blush> But real life provides the drama and mystique and it doesn't have to be manufactured. Tell us, you husbands, that we'll always be beautiful in your eyes. Bring us flowers for no reason except that you love us. Fix the car so we can drive it. We'll be so crazy in love with you that we'll fix your favorite dinners and try to keep looking good for you!

quote:

Women have self-esteems that love/need to be supported, and will tolerate nastiness to get that one compliment


I think most women want security and most men want admiration; it's just how we're built. The woman who will trade her morals and self-respect for security is a traitor to her sex and to God's purposes. Good things can be twisted. I know a woman who allowed her husband to scream at, beat, once try to murder, and otherwise abuse her children because she was the first member of her family to own her own house, and she wasn't giving that up. Perversion of God's will on both their parts.

I submit a good moral woman wouldn't marry a man like that in the first place because she wouldn't tolerate the immorality of a boyfriend, but even if she got tricked she'd get her kids out of danger at any cost. She would sacrifice her self-esteem and affluent life-style for her kids' welfare.

There are women like this... keep looking and keep your standards high. The single ones are waiting for you to find them. [:)]



sweetee2 -> RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? (7/28/2008 8:55:19 PM)

Well... in my case.... when I was dating my husband he was really good to me. He was very attentive and spent time with me. I really felt that he loved me and cared deeply for me. We did not have sex until after we were married. We discussed everything from porn, money, kids, traveling, religion, etc... Days after we came home from our honeymoon he totally changed into someone I didn't know. He went into a very deep depression for 6 weeks, didn't want to be touched and didn't want sex, had terrible temper tantrums and fits of anger and called me terrible names. He had aweful mood swings and I felt like I was always walking on eggshells because I never knew what he would be like when he was around. Two years into the marriage he confessed that he had been sexually molested as a child at age 12, he admitted that he didn't like to be touched, was into porn and spent money like it was water. He also confessed that he thought if he got married that that would take away his desire for the porn. Nothing ever seemed to be good enough or keep his interest for very long. We went to several different professional counselors and doctors over a course of several years to try to figure out what was wrong and everyone of them had a different opinion. Some said he had ADD or ADHD, others said he was Bi-polar and others said that he is just plain into sinning. He has tried so many kinds of medicine it's not even funny and none seem to really help. I feel like our whole relationship was based on deception and now we have been married 7 years and I am currently sleeping apart from him in another bedroom. I have found porn on his laptop almost everytime I look at it and my love for him is completely gone.

I never intended to marry a jerk like him. He wasn't a jerk when we dated. I fell in love with the man that treated me with respect and love and spent time with me... not the jerk I have now.



Blazingson -> RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? (7/28/2008 9:39:59 PM)

I think the reason that women marry jerks is simply because that is the kind of behavior they like.
No matter how a person was raised or what they are familiar with, every person knows what feels good and what hurts.
Those women who marry jerks do so because they like the way they are treated. They have a perverse attraction to pain.



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