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RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? - 9/9/2008 11:06:55 AM
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raivyne
Posts: 881
Joined: 8/28/2008
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I think different women date jerks for different reasons which could be any one of the following:
1. pure physical attraction
2. money
3. low self image
4. self sabotage
5. maybe the guy was nice at first and they are hanging onto that image of him hoping he will come around
6. need to "fix" or "help" people
I know #4 was the reason was the main reason I dated jerks (unknowingly at the time), I also had low self esteem from a failed marriage. This way when the relationship failed, as I knew (at the time) every relationship I would ever have would do, I could blame the jerk.
I also dated a guy that fell into category #5.
Thankfully I've broken that cycle (I hope!), and I'm now waiting patiently for Mr. Right!
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RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? - 9/11/2008 9:14:25 PM
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Grace-N-Mercy
Posts: 6512
Joined: 5/2/2005
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There are many reasons that women make poor choices in choosing a mate. But same goes for the guys... they make poor choices as well.
Something just jumped out at me, though, as I was reading the title and your screen name... backrowbaptist. I think that women make poor choices because the nice guys stay on the back row. I can't tell you the number of times I've approached some of the nice guys only to watch them retreat into their shells. If I approach too many nice guys and get turned down, guess who it will be easy for me to turn to next? The guy with charisma, who seems to take a lot of interest in me. Sometimes, they turn out to be jerks, but this hasn't happened to me in a long time. (I have not met very many jerks in the past few years... most guys I meet are genuinely great guys.)
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RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? - 9/15/2008 10:57:47 PM
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HellHathNoFuryAtAll
Posts: 42
Joined: 5/27/2008
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Well, apparently I'm attracted to emotionally unstable and unavailable girls, so you could ask me about that hehe. My ex would call me a "jerk" because I would call her a lot and wanted her to come home after work. She would call me a "jerk" because I hated when she drank and stayed out till 3AM. It's really all relative. Sometimes all you hear is half of the story. I don't doubt that women "do" sometimes marry for strange reasons but I doubt that anyone would marry someone they hated to make themselves feel better.
Given the right ammunition anyone can be made out to look like a jerk.
_____________________________
Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. Amen.
(Matthew 28:20)
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RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? - 9/21/2008 12:31:48 AM
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hnt
Posts: 529
Joined: 4/11/2005
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I read this thread, and I have to say I was a bit taken back by some of the responses.
I grew up in a home where I fended for myself. My parents were married until Dad died, but emotionally in most cases were pretty much NOT there! We were forced to move to an area that was more expensive when I was young (that placed the family in a hardship), and I was placed in the position of caring for the home and my younger sibling at the ripe age of 9. I was encouraged to stuff emotions, and was told that my theories on life - if in disagreement with my folks - were...well lets say they didn't say very encouraging things to me as a child. I was responsible for my sibling, and I was to hold down the fort when they were not around. When they returned they picked apart every aspect of what I had done in their absense in order to better me I'm sure they felt. I was a scared child, and anxeity was there at every move for me. It was normal. I remember my folks calling me words that I had no idea what they meant, which of course made me feel really stupid. I wouldn't ask because I was told that I shouldn't be proud of not knowing. When I found a teacher that I felt safe with I asked, and I was very angry at the definations. Functional Illiterate, Simpleton to name a few.
I think I glossed over these things for a long time, because I knew they loved me. I was cared for and had food, clothes and shelter. When they could get money together I was sent off to church camp or other activities. I knew I had it much better than others I lived around, and I thought I honestly had it pretty GOOD! I never realized they had slowly torn down my self esteem, and sense of worth. I didn't know that most children were not responsbile for things as I see now they never should have made me responsible for. I struggled my whole childhood, and I think it was in high school did someone finally pay enough attention to ask some questions. The school called my mother to set up some meetings I guess as an intervention, and my mother made me feel awful about opening my mouth. It wasn't direct threats it was more guilt trips and manipulation. They never showed up for the meetings, and the staff at school dropped it. That was the closest I came. No one ever spoke to me again about it. I figured it must not be that bad...I mean I was a child! It was normal, and I figured I was overreacting. Didn't understand why I had to be scared all the time...figured something was wrong with me, but it wasn't bad enough for anyone to fiddle with. Just like everyone else I just had to learn to deal with it.
I met my husband when I was in college, and for the first time in my life I was told how I was a good person. How my independence was very admiring, and how my gift to give was really awesome. How he wanted to be a team, and how for once in my life I was going to have someone help me. I wasn't going to take the whole load all the time. I felt a different kind of love. I was accepted for me, and truly felt appreciated. We dated for two years, and he didn't do everything for me nor did I do everything for him. No jealous natures. It was nice to be able to speak to someone without being cutdown or ripped to shreds. At that time I still didn't realize the impact my childhood had on me. I idolized my parents as good people, and good parents. They were good people, but they did neglect me...something I never wished to own until my 40's. I really didn't see a sign of things to come until right before the wedding. LOL Like a week before, and people just told me it was wedding nerves! He had health issues - which I knew about beforehand - and he was out of remission before the wedding. I figured that also played a part. It wasn't in your face very nasty behavior as it became once I married...so I just brushed it off. Naive? Maybe.
Within a year things really started to go downhill, and what he felt was awesome before as I look back was now a threat. He didn't have a college education, and when I entered the workforce at first my salary was lower than his. He would bring up how he shouldn't have to be responsible, or held accountable for things due to the income difference. I had saved and invested (starting with paper routes, babysitting, etc), and right before we got married my stocks split...and we had enough money for a good down payment for our first home. I used that money for school, and it was a stroke of luck as the saying goes that this happened. Never saw it coming! That was quickly turned around on me as well. He more than made up for that, and now I owed him. Money was never an issue for me, and I never brought these things up. I had no idea why he did. It was insulting and very hurtful. I did the books for the company I worked for, and he would say things like he is surprised the company didn't go bankrupt with me doing this. How they didn't know the real me otherwise they wouldn't have me doing this. The professional awards I received were a joke.
I remember for years I brought books, and tried to turn myself into something better. I tried to cater and honor him. I tried to uplift him. I did my darnest to change myself so that I could once again be accepted. I felt like the enemy, and I had no idea what I had done to be placed in this position. When I asked his responses just were NOT rational. I received alot of counsel that I read on this board, and I remember doing everything I could think of, and change everything possible I could at the time. Things just continued to go downhill. I remember at that time I started to get defensive, and was really started to break from the pressure. LOL then I was told maybe I had an 'anger problem' also. That was one of the meanest things that I can remember that was said to me at the time. People knew what was happening, but as in my childhood they didn't want to acknowledge it. I didn't understand it myself, and I honestly didn't know what was going on. I started to truly question my sanity...and was I an angry person on top of it also?
More years went by and peices of me were lost. I was fighting with my last resort NOT to be a shell of a person, and still as clueless as to what was happening to me. I was at my wits end, and I started to research on the internet. I read an article by Patricia Evans, and my whole world changed. My goodness I was reading about my life on paper! Something NO ONE would ever acknowledge, and I felt was the lucky one on earth that this was happening to...because no one else spoke of this. I found out I wasn't alone. I found a board that is gone now, and I remember I wrote out this pitiful post with all kinds of excuses for his behavior, how I was this awful wife, how it must be his health problems, and I'm sure I'm overreacting...because it would be nice to find the label I was dealing with, but I was so sure it just couldn't be right. LOL I mean doubt was part of me at that point! It was ingrained! They slowly encouraged me to get help. They were even daring enough to tell me to call the local domestic violence shelter. I thought they were nuts - I wasn't being HIT! I wasn't Ms. Burning BED! Not everything on the list applied to my life! BOY I had all kinds of excuses.....let me tell ya!
One night after a rage session of his I did call. I think I finally hit rock bottom. I tried all kinds of other avenues, and all their help didn't change things ... but made it worse! That was the best move I ever made. It took years of counseling, and breaking past my denial was I able to see his as well. I saw clearly how I fell into this hole, and once again I started that journey of changing myself. This time it was a bit more effective. They didn't encourage divorce, separation...they were just there to encourage and help me grow. I found I had alot of traits of a parentfied child they called it. I was placed in an adults position at a young age, and most of the time wasn't allowed to be a child. That HURT really bad! I was angry at that label, and I wanted to reject it. I think I knew I would be mad at my parents. Once I did accept the neglect that did indeed happen. I have learned to accept that part of life now as well. My folks did the best they could with the tools they had available. I could love them, and accept things. My parents had things in their lifes that had happened, and I finally understood WHY they acted as they did. It STILL wasn't good, but it made it more accepting for me. It was good to work past that, and I can still love them.
I realize people don't like labels, etc. For me and the way I process things it helped. It made it easier to deal with, and helped me learn to fix things about myself and my life. My mind just works that way. I don't accept everything about them, but it helped me place things into prospective better.
This whole time I was really struggling with my faith. I heard all these messages that made me feel full of doubt again. If you just pray and be a better wife he will change also. If you honor your man, and do your best to change yourself....things will look brighter! If I didn't accept all these things hook, line and sinker I really need to question my faith. I wasn't strong enough, and aren't you glad Jesus doesn't give up like you seem to want to. It was awful! LOL for a long time it seems the Jesus I knew was the only one that understood! The ignorance around this issue really triggered me for a long time. There was a time it enraged me as well. I know now that people and their jerks can't be placed in a neat little box with stereotypical responses like marrying fantasy man/woman, and wanting to change them. OH and my personal favorite from this thread about how we must have a perverse attraction to pain...lol that's a good one! YEP we like that alot! LOLOLOL...you have to be kidding me!
I have to come to accept in alot of cases like with me - people don't want to muck up the waters at times and acknowledge what is going on. I think its to messy for them. I found that people KNEW what was happening in my life, and pretty much always just handed me excuses instead of reality. I needed reality, but I guess they figured the broken person can heal themselves. NOT sure why people think that, but it seems to happen alot. All my life people told me I didn't know what I was talking about, but I was to see the true light somehow. All my life I was told my hurts didn't count, and that I was making a mountain out of a molehill....but I should have know better! I remember talking to God every night as a child, and BOY did we have some discussions! I remember telling him that maybe it would be better if he allowed me to go to hell instead of others, because they may do him better than I could. I didn't want anyone to go there, and I was ready to go there for them because I wasn't worthy. I was still going to love him, and I knew he loved me. To me that deal with perfectly acceptable. Everyone thought I was strong child, but I think they just didn't want to see.
I didn't know how to deal with my husband, because I didn't have to tools. I didn't have the resources to show me. I knew I had to figure it out alone somehow. Sat back and wished I lived in the other's worlds. I wanted their reality. It never fit for me.
I am able to walk past this now, and see him as the broken person that he is. I feel sorry for him, and pray for him. I also am thankful I have been able to grow beyond where I was. I think I can see things earlier because I have been there, and I know what is like when people offer to much benefit of the doubt when some different avenues maybe should be considered. I don't jump to divorce as I have been married now over 20 years. I refuse to offer excuses like did they have a bad day at work if cruel exchanges are given. If a pattern of behavior is clear with men and women I believe it needs to be nipped in the bud, and not alot of coddling to be handed down. I know the damage it does to people's lifes, and I also know most will never accept that. That's fine! I have learned to accept that also. There is alot more at play then people wish to acknowledge, but I think that is human nature.
Why do women or men date or marry jerks? There are many reasons, and I would bet more than people realize. I think alot of those close to me in my life did the best they could. I think others just didn't know what to do, and yet others didn't want to muck up the waters. Maybe it would take to much energy - I honestly don't know. I don't blame them or anyone. It just happened. I do believe the jerks in this world do get coddled by more than their spouses or signficate others tho! Its a shame from where I sit. These people are in alot of pain, and they hurt others because they are hurt themselves. I'm sure they have their own story to tell as well. I was used to feeling hurt, and I thought everyone else was used to it also. I have to admit I like knowing that doesn't have to be the case!
_____________________________
h
Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? - 9/21/2008 12:46:58 AM
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solo_soprano22
Posts: 2476
Joined: 4/27/2005
From: I'm a Southern girl
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: backrowbaptist
The age-old question from my single days (I'm married now and, according to my wife, she did NOT marry a jerk). She says women do it thinking they can change the man. My theory is as follows - women marry men of low character (jerks) so they can feel better about they're character, i.e., "I may not be the best person, but compared to my @#*%** husband, I'm not so bad."
Any thoughts?
I don't think some women think that way... and I'm not sure I really believe that anyway. I do know many who feel as if that's the best they can get or that they wouldn't be able to find anyone else if they let that person go. It's one of those "a bad relationship is better than no relationship" mentalities. Perhaps the man has good qualities, but "jerky" qualities as well that are overlooked because of "love"...and, I know women who think they can change the man as well. I know there are other reasons women do this; I just know what I see from people close to me.
But, I did date two jerks myself....one didn't exhibit his jerkish ways until quite a while into the relationship, and I stayed with the other jerkish man because I (like others) didn't think I could do a ton better. But I figured after a while that I'd rather be alone than in that situation.
_____________________________
For God, For Learning, Forever.
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RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? - 9/21/2008 1:07:28 AM
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Focusing
Posts: 6036
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Thank you hnt. I appreciate your transparency in speaking on this topic.
There are a lot of issues, far more than most people will ever realize without being in those shoes themselves, and rather than being treated like we did this on purpose to ourselves (ha!), a little compassion and offering of prayer would be most welcome. JMHO
_____________________________
There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven
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RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? - 9/22/2008 9:41:18 PM
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lost_n_thought
Posts: 41
Joined: 9/11/2008
From: Iowa
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The things that eventually made him a jerk were things I thought were lacking in my personality and that I respected at first in him. ie: i was totally intimidated by confrontation, he thrived on it, I was a weakling around strong willed people...a pushover and a mouse...he stood up for everything. He was liked, feared, hated, and respected...I had respect through him when I felt so powerless....and he was nice looking.
Looking back he was like having a pit bull on a leash. Loyal usually. Unfortunately sometimes they bite their owners.
_____________________________
Matthew 25:40.
"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'
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