How do you know when to push your child? (Full Version)

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csl7037 -> How do you know when to push your child? (7/23/2008 3:45:35 PM)

My dd did cheerleading camp this week. This is just leading up to being able to try out in October for the first time (as a 4th grader). She was very excited, we both were! The first day went very well. The second day, she seemed to shut down on me. I stayed both days to help but thought it would be best to stay away today, the last day. I went today at the very end because parents were supposed to come see what they'd been doing. Everyone said she did well today but she was off to the side and not putting any effort into it at all today.

I feel like I need to push her to do this. I know this week was more like work than she expected. She doesn't like anything that really requires effort - and this drives me crazy! I should say that she's almost 9, she's a very young 4th grader but, yesterday and today, she acted like a 6 year old, IMO.

I caught an interview with David Beckham recently where he was talking about how much his dad pushed him when he was young and how he's grateful for it now. I remember reading the same thing about Tiger Woods. But dd is such a pig-headed little thing. And I have to wonder if Mr. Beckham and Mr. Woods were able to push their sons more than a mom can push a daughter - is it a girl thing? Or just my dd?

I'll be thrilled if she tries out and if she cheers. I'd love to help coach! This is something she and I could actually do together! But if she didn't want to, I'd survive it. But if she just doesn't want to do it because it's a little bit of work, or if she does it halfway with just enough effort to get by, I'll probably end up choking her.

Seeing her attitude the last two days was just so hard for me. Partly, I took it personally; it sort of seemed to be directed at me - wanting me to leave and/or leave her alone. But I just cannot handle having a child who wants to take the easy way all the time. I'm not sure how to handle this.



laura... -> RE: How do you know when to push your child? (7/23/2008 4:07:55 PM)

Sounds to me like something upset her on day 2. Rather than push her, how about getting her to open up about whatever may have happened to cause such a drastic change.



karlie -> RE: How do you know when to push your child? (7/23/2008 4:25:22 PM)


When I chose to push my children, it was when I knew beyond doubt that they were being either lazy, or not doing their best. I never wanted them to feel like their best wasn't good enough, so I made sure I knew what their abilities and talents were in any given area before I encouraged or pushed them to do more. That will vary for each child depending on the area you are concerned about.

I would also want to know what was going on behind the scenes that is causing them not to do their best, especially if normally they are very into what they are involved in. Sometimes, sudden withdrawal or a sudden attitude issues come from places that have nothing to do with school, cheerleading, etc. It could simply be because they aren't feeling their best, or it could be because something more is bothering them. I would find those things out before pushing.

I would also make sure I was pushing them for the right reasons and not for my own pleasure. Sometimes as parents, it's easy to blur that line. Is it possible you are more into the cheerleading than she is? I'm not saying that's true, but it may be something to look at, especially with her being so young. I did the same thing with piano lessons briefly. It was what I wanted more than what my daughter wanted. The Lord dealt with me about pushing her in ways that were more MY desire than hers, or His. It's a little ouchy to have to admit that, but, it really helped me take a look at what was truly important to their lives and their futures individually, and not about what I thought would be fun or cool.



mommyplus3 -> RE: How do you know when to push your child? (7/23/2008 5:12:28 PM)

my 9 yo old son (who can have a very mature attitude at times) filled me in last year on how he feels about taht kinda stuff [;)]

he is a baseball player, and i was the ultimate sideline mom..helping in the dugout, cheering (only positive) form the sidelines....LOL i thought i was supermom, but he ws growing increasingly irritated with me. when i asked him why, he told me that baseball was something he did for himself. he enjoyed doing it and pushing himself...and when i was "right there" it took away that joy for him. basically he wanted me to say back, watch, and be quiet...let him have his own space and his own "thing." imo, it was very telling...he went back to enjoying it - and improving his playing.

it's hard to face sometimes that our kids don't want to do what we think they should - or even what their talent is in. i try really hard to remember that my kids are individuals...and as much as i hate to admit...not extensions of me. :o)

i hope it all works out for you...and hang on!!! the next couple of years can be a bumpy (although exciting) ride!!

<3
mommy to 11 and 13 yo daughters and a 9 yo son



manda59 -> RE: How do you know when to push your child? (7/23/2008 6:38:37 PM)

csl7037

Are you absolutely sure it's her who wanted to do this? Could it be that she went along with it because it was what you wanted, but that when it came down to it, it wasn't what she wanted?



csl7037 -> RE: How do you know when to push your child? (7/23/2008 9:39:20 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: manda59

csl7037

Are you absolutely sure it's her who wanted to do this? Could it be that she went along with it because it was what you wanted, but that when it came down to it, it wasn't what she wanted?


If anything, I think she wanted/wants to do this because her little friend wants to do it. I certainly got excited about the idea - I would love for this to be something we could do together. Honestly, she and I have so little in common.

And all afternoon, she's back to talking about it - about trying out, about everything she learned. But when she was there, it looked like torture. It was 7 hours/day for 3 days - that's a LOT! And she says she was just tired.

Bottom line is I'm a perfectionist with a free-spirited child. I try really hard to be mindful of that. I wouldn't want to turn her into me and I have no illusions about that even being possible! I think maybe she and I need a code word or something for her to use when I'm pushing. But, at the same time, I will not raise a child who gives up or walks away whenever something takes a little effort - or one who only cares to do just enough to get by.

If she wants to try out and if she wants to do this (or anything else), she has to really do it. But how do I instill that?



karlie -> RE: How do you know when to push your child? (7/23/2008 9:51:46 PM)

quote:

But, at the same time, I will not raise a child who gives up or walks away whenever something takes a little effort - or one who only cares to do just enough to get by.


quote:

If she wants to try out and if she wants to do this (or anything else), she has to really do it. But how do I instill that?


How does she do with things that really matter in the long run? Such as her school work, following God, learning to contribute to the family, etc. Things that will really matter in her work ethics later on. If she does well in those things, that would show that she does know how to step up and do well, and I'd personally let the cheerleading go. I was a cheerleader in high school and while I had lots of fun, it did nothing to prepare me for life and I would have ended up hating it if my parents acted like it was a monumental issue in my life. The things they didpush and never backed off of were school, my church attendance, sticking with devotionals, commitments I made for volunteer work, etc...things that set my life up for success later on. I think if a child is putting real effort into those things, then they are learning the values that will carry them the rest of their lives. If she's doing well in those things, then I would just let her enjoy the fluff stuff without stressing too much over her performance.



Karaboo2 -> RE: How do you know when to push your child? (7/23/2008 10:11:07 PM)

What we do with our kids ... if they want to do something (like gymnastics, etc), and they sign up for x number of weeks, they are required to fulfil that commitment ... and we want them to do it cheerfully (or at least, appear cheerful while they are there). If they decide they don't like it, that's fine ... once the commitment is fulfilled, they don't have to go back. And they can only pick one thing at a time. During the fall and winter, it tends to be gymnastics ... summer is soccer. So far they've liked everything they've tried. When signing up for things, we make sure the session isn't any longer than 10 weeks, and no more than 2 hours per week (just because of their ages ... and it means less hassle if they end up not liking something)



Jenny-Fair -> RE: How do you know when to push your child? (7/23/2008 10:23:36 PM)

I would never push my kid to do something just because it was something I enjoyed.

Your daughter finished her week. That is all I would require. And if it was going to take much in the way of pushing, then I certainly would not let her try out for something long-term. She is very young!

I am a perfectionist, too, but we can't impose that on our kids.



mommyplus3 -> RE: How do you know when to push your child? (7/23/2008 10:57:21 PM)

we have rule in our home that if you make the committment to play a team sport, then you will fulfill that commitment (no complaints) until the end of the season - since there are others depending on you. if it is an individual sport or activity, it can always be discussed. many times (especially with younger children) there are reasons that the activity is not what they want...more than it's just too difficult. my kids have been overwhelmed (during the school year), the social aspect was not good, or it was not at all what they thought it was going to be. once it is discussed, then we come up with a plan - either sticking it out the remainder of the session, quitting immediately, or trying to make the changes that will make it work. it can be a fine line to walk....



[/quote]



Bottom line is I'm a perfectionist with a free-spirited child. I try really hard to be mindful of that. I wouldn't want to turn her into me and I have no illusions about that even being possible! I think maybe she and I need a code word or something for her to use when I'm pushing. But, at the same time, I will not raise a child who gives up or walks away whenever something takes a little effort - or one who only cares to do just enough to get by.

If she wants to try out and if she wants to do this (or anything else), she has to really do it. But how do I instill that?
[/quote]



csl7037 -> RE: How do you know when to push your child? (7/24/2008 7:37:02 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: karlie
How does she do with things that really matter in the long run? Such as her school work, following God, learning to contribute to the family, etc. Things that will really matter in her work ethics later on. If she does well in those things, that would show that she does know how to step up and do well, and I'd personally let the cheerleading go. I was a cheerleader in high school and while I had lots of fun, it did nothing to prepare me for life and I would have ended up hating it if my parents acted like it was a monumental issue in my life. The things they didpush and never backed off of were school, my church attendance, sticking with devotionals, commitments I made for volunteer work, etc...things that set my life up for success later on. I think if a child is putting real effort into those things, then they are learning the values that will carry them the rest of their lives. If she's doing well in those things, then I would just let her enjoy the fluff stuff without stressing too much over her performance.


No, that's the thing. This is her attitude about everything. Just do what she has to do to get by or, if at all possible, don't do it if it requires effort. She's a very bright girl - most things come pretty easily for her. But if something doesn't come easy, or if she can't do it her way, she just wont do it. This is a struggle we have with school (math), life at home, even games.



manda59 -> RE: How do you know when to push your child? (7/24/2008 9:02:40 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: csl7037
No, that's the thing. This is her attitude about everything. Just do what she has to do to get by or, if at all possible, don't do it if it requires effort. She's a very bright girl - most things come pretty easily for her. But if something doesn't come easy, or if she can't do it her way, she just wont do it. This is a struggle we have with school (math), life at home, even games.




Could be laziness. But could also be fear of failing, of not doing it right. We've had this with my dd. She is 4 yrs younger than my ds, but has always wanted to do things as well as he can. We've never compared them, but she always has. If she can't do it perfectly, she thinks she's no good at it. With her a lot of the time it's "nothing ventured, nothing failed".



TexasMoma -> RE: How do you know when to push your child? (7/27/2008 3:59:50 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: csl7037
No, that's the thing. This is her attitude about everything. Just do what she has to do to get by or, if at all possible, don't do it if it requires effort. She's a very bright girl - most things come pretty easily for her. But if something doesn't come easy, or if she can't do it her way, she just wont do it. This is a struggle we have with school (math), life at home, even games.



I think I have your daughter's twin! Guess not, mine just turned 8 but she does share some of the very same qualities you mention.

We are currently experiencing a similar situation. My daughter is currently taking Jiu-Jitsu classes. The main reason she wanted to is because her big brother was taking them. At 17, he is very dedicated. He just became the youngest member of the school to get his blue belt. She on the other hand, considers this time her social hour. At first, her brother was criticizing her for not trying. Then her father fussed at her as well. At the time I thought they should not be giving her such a hard time because I felt they should encourage her rather than berate her.
Well here we are now, 6 months down the road, attending classes 2 times a week. The other kids around her, all being boys, are all earning stripes and advancing. She seems to think she will go right along with them. She refuses to listen to me when I try to explain to her that they have earned their stripes by working hard. She is a sweet loving child (and also very stubborn) and has absolutely no competitive drive. She puts a little effort in but as soon as the other person has the advantage she just lays there which just doesn't work in Jiu-Jitsu.

csl7037, I apologize for taking off on your thread! However, I would love to hear some ideas on how to motive a child into trying just a little harder, without pushing too hard.



Jenny-Fair -> RE: How do you know when to push your child? (7/27/2008 4:04:36 PM)

Some kids just mature later. Nate, for instance, has gone from total space-case to mature and responsible in one year's time. He'll be 13 in Oct. I never thought the day would come when he would be teaching other kids in jukido class, as opposed to having to be constantly reminded to pay attention. I never thought the day would come that he would finish a big job-like mowing my grandparents' lawn-without being redirected ten times because he got distracted by a neat bug or rock. But he not only did that a few weeks ago, he did it without any help whatsoever, and without being told to go mow in the first place! (incidentally, these gains have come with side effects--he has also gotten mouthy for some reason and thinks he can argue with me when he disagrees with what I say)

Your kids are young and right now, it's just about experimenting with things to see what they like. They aren't little grown ups and they can't be expected to be. A one-week commitment is appropriate, but asking for several months' commitment without the child having and internal driving force is asking for trouble, IME.



garsyt -> RE: How do you know when to push your child? (7/27/2008 4:49:49 PM)

Is it possible that her reason for wanting to take the classes was not because her brother was taking them but because she saw the attention and praise her brother got from doing so well in something that obviously very important to him, and wanted that too? And in her 7/8 year old mind may have thought that this was the way she was going to get what she wanted?

I KNOW that was the reason my younger brothers followed my eldest brother into Wrestling. Now the eldest 2 were good at it and excelled, but the youngest did it simply because big brothers were doing it and it got him attention from Dad and Mom, but especially Dad. Once my youngest brother found his true passion was music, the drums to be specific, and he realized it was just as attention for him, he turned his attention in that direction.

I know other families where ALL the boys are in cub or boy scouts and pushed to obtain the most badges and actually compete to earn their Eagle at a younger age then their brothers if it's only by hours! -And the parents also eat live and breath scouting, often to the determent of their other children especially their daughters. I actually had a cub scout mom of 2 boys and a girl tell me that the boy's cub scout activities took up so much of their time that it was a pity that her daughter couldn't join! I invited her to join my youngest brownie troop - to be told that they simply didn't have the time, because of the boys. All my kids are in scouts, but when they tell me they've had enough, like my eldest has told me this summer, then they can be done. For my eldest it's a perfect breaking point as he is starting high school in a few weeks and is planning on being actively involved in other pursuits along with taking several high level and honors courses.

I choose not to push - unless the child initiates the first conversation about the activity. I will suggest activities, but if they don't want to do it I'm fine with that. Now if they do choose to start something and I'm paying for it, they will finish their commitment to the season or the number of lessons I've paid for. Especially if it's a team sport and the team is depending upon my child's participation. My eldest dd was part of a cheer squad for a few years but then simply decided it wasn't for her, and at the end of the season, I allowed her to quit. The money we would have spent on cheerleading was put toward art classes and supplies and she found her passion. This coming school year she wants to try out for the color guard at her elementary school. It's only for 5th graders, and if she makes the squad I will require that she sticks it out for the year, putting her best into the practices and performances.

I would suggest, TexasMoma, finding either a class with a stricter teacher that can keep her in line if this is something she truly wants to do, OR allowing her to step out and maybe find something else that SHE wants to do and not just because big brother is doing it.

Blessings,

Garsy



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