Reaching Out... Hurtful Family Relationships (Full Version)

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Winn -> Reaching Out... Hurtful Family Relationships (7/23/2008 1:50:15 PM)

I am trying to reach out and talk to someone for the first time on-line. I am wondering if I could get a little bit of support this way instead of speaking with my family so much. I have been in counseling regarding boundary issues and am learning how to keep reasonable limits in my relationships. But I have this need to talk with someone who cares and understands. My family is very damaged and tends to cause more pain when I need help. I have forgiven them in my heart for this tendency, but they are not able to be supportive because of their own problems.

My husband and I love Jesus and want to help others know God better. We have our own company and work very hard. He also works full time during the week. He has very high support payments from his first wife who left him after having several affairs. I am now 6 months pregnant with my second child and am having difficulty with the strenuous work.

My step-daughter is planning on college but is also living with a boyfriend and working full-time. We pray for her and want to help her with school costs. But the court system is requiring that we pay several hundred dollars per month. We are growing weary after several years of long work hours sending these high payments. With ongoing court costs, it is almost 50% of our income.

I do not want to have a grumbling, complaining spirit. Our family is well-known in the community because of our business reputation and work in ministry. I don't speak to many people about these problems because I don't want to indicate displeasure with God. But I still need help and prayer so badly. When I try to open up to others, they are angry over the unfairness of the situation, but don't know how to help. People tend to give a lot of judgements, like my father who said I shouldn't have more children.

I have prayed and feel sure that I should not give up having a family because of these struggles. We have a young child and an unborn boy (due this fall). I love God and my family so much. I also love my step-children and care for their mother. The Lord has helped me to grow in this area so much. Please pray for us.

I feel like I should stop talking about these problems with my family because they are so hurtful when I do. But then I feel very withdrawn and alone. Should I decrease/limit phone calls with family regarding these issues?



laura... -> RE: Reaching Out... Hurtful Family Relationships (7/23/2008 2:05:10 PM)

Win,

Welcome to forums. This is a pretty good place to vent. Just remember that you will get a lot of differing opinions. Some great. Some not so great. A good place to start to form friendships and a good support base here is in the Community Lounge.

There are plenty of people here who are at all kinds of stages in learning to set good boundaries.

quote:

I feel like I should stop talking about these problems with my family because they are so hurtful when I do. But then I feel very withdrawn and alone. Should I decrease/limit phone calls with family regarding these issues?


If talking to your family about your struggles causes more harm than help then, yes, limit such phone calls.

About the support payments... Just keep in mind that they won't last forever. Eventually, all the steps will reach 21. And, while it is costly now, the investment in them knowing that their father continues to support them will reap a lifetime harvest of respect.

And, finally, congratulations on your soon to arrive little boy. In Women's Only there is a thread for pregnancy support. Check it out.



Winn -> RE: Reaching Out... Hurtful Family Relationships (7/23/2008 2:49:59 PM)

Dear Laura,

Thank you so much for the encouragement. I especially appreciated this point you made...

quote:

the investment in them knowing that their father continues to support them will reap a lifetime harvest of respect



I feel better being able to talk about it and having someone take time to respond. Thanks again.
I will look into the women's only forum as well.

WinThisBattle
[:)]



sudden -> RE: Reaching Out... Hurtful Family Relationships (7/23/2008 3:12:32 PM)

Hiya Win.

This is a great place to discuss the sort of issues you've mentioned.

I am sorry that you are unable to express yourself as you wish to family members but glad you came here instead.

As for the step situation - all men and women who marry a spouse with children play second fiddle to the kids..and it is, I think for most of them a financial sore point but I am afraid it is just human nature to "favour" your own child over a spouse. A child needs an adult more than another adult needs an adult.

I am sorry you got yourself into that predicament. Just know that you are far from alone. I'm sure there are lots of posters here who have married someone with kids.

Sudden



deermousie -> RE: Reaching Out... Hurtful Family Relationships (7/23/2008 11:08:24 PM)

Laura put it well - those steps will soon reach 21 and your finances will improve. Do what you can to survive until then: work if you can, keep costs down as much as you can, rejoice in the child you have and the one soon to come, love your husband and don't forget to thank him for his hard work, and tell him you're having a rough time and need his sympathy. And pray like crazy; God knows and loves you. Ask Him for help, and keep on keeping on.

Hug your little one and pat your belly for me. God bless you guys; I am praying for you tonight.



Winn -> RE: Reaching Out... Hurtful Family Relationships (7/24/2008 11:56:51 AM)

deermousie,

Thank you for your very kind words. I appreciate the prayer so much. I know prayer is real and that God answers us and comforts our hearts when we turn to him.

Winn

p.s. The baby is kicking right now, reminding me of what is most important; blessings from God...



Sharealaf -> RE: Reaching Out... Hurtful Family Relationships (7/26/2008 8:21:22 AM)

Dearest Winn, My heart really went out to you when I read this thread. I, too, am married to a man with children. Well, none of them are even really children anymore. Three girls between the ages of 18-23. One is engaged, but living with her fiance'. One is attending part-time college classes, but also living with a boyfriend. The last one will attend college in the Fall. These three girls made my life, literally a living hell, when their father and I first got together. Even while we were just dating. It's like they were trying to get rid of me, even before I said "I do". Their mother is basically messed up. She had NUMEROUS affairs on my husband throughout their 20+ year marriage. After the last affair, she announced to the whole family that she wanted a divorce. My husband looked her straight in the eye and told her, "There's the door!" His girls have NEVER forgiven him for not begging her to stay again, like he always did in the past. She walked out on him and all of her girls. Now, the 'clicker' here, is that no matter what he tries to do for these girls, it is NEVER good enough for them. Their mother has not had the financial burden that he has regarding the girls' expenses. He paid all of their car payments, all of their insurance payments, all of their cell phone bills, not to mention the day to day, week to week expenses that teenage girls can run up! He finally put his foot down, and told them all that now that they were all 'adults', they would have to be responsible for their own expenses. Now, this announcement to his girls happened about the same time that he and I started dating seriously. And, of course, they blamed ME for their father's 'change of attitude' towards their 'free ride'. He also told them that he was going to take their mother to court, in order to get some sort of 'support' payments to help out with their costs. Two weeks before he did just that, the middle girl moved in with her mother. (She left home one night during an argument with her father. He would not allow her boyfriend to spend the night. Her mother DOES allow that sort of thing to go on in her house, so that's why she went there!) When my husband went to court, the middle child proceeded to lie on the stand, saying that her father never did anything for her. That her MOTHER was the one that was there for her all along. Well, after the court session was over, and the ex 'won', she booted the middle child to the curb. (As we expected!) She came crawling back to her father, and he DID allow her back into our home. BUT! She was expected to continue paying for her own expenses. She REFUSED to do so, and as hard as it was, her father showed her where the door was. Tough love? Maybe.

I agree with a previous statement. At least, someday, the children will look back on these years, and see that their father WAS the responsible parent. That he DID care about them and their well being. My ex has never EVER done anything for my children. They have suffered, struggled and not had the things that even his step-children have had. Needless to say, to this day, they do not have a strong relationship with their father. (It has nothing to do with ME! I have never mean mouthed him in any way to anyone! ) They just grew into adults and finally saw their father for what he really was. (Kids are smart, they tend to figure those sorts of things out eventually!) Even tho' our struggles were very difficult to handle at the time, we survived! Sometimes, I really don't know HOW, but we did! (With GOD'S help!!)

I understand where you are coming from 100%. My husband and I are self-employed in a business where it's either feast or famine. The only advice that I can give you is simply this: PRAY earnestly. Do not pray that the Lord will send you money, trust in Him to provide for your needs. He will find a way! Also, GIVE to him earnestly. I am speaking from experience here. We were down to our last $20.00. (LITERALLY!!) We reluctantly put it in the collection plate at our church. I remember on the way home that Sunday afternoon, we BOTH felt like we were at the end of the line. On Monday morning, THREE of our clients came by and put down payments on their items! We had a total of $950.00 collected that day. We did not call these people, begging for their down payments, they just came by and decided that they needed to pay ahead of time! TRUST IN THE LORD ALWAYS!! He knows your needs, he knows your wants and wishes. GOD WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU!!



Nmbr1wife -> RE: Reaching Out... Hurtful Family Relationships (7/26/2008 12:55:23 PM)

Stop talking to your family about your problems. They are not supportive and are making you feel worse than you did before making the phone call to them. Pray to God about your problems and talk to your husband. If you attend church, maybe you could speak to one of the pastors there. If you are talking to someone online via a social network, that's okay too; as long as you don't give them personal information of yours. My husband and I are having minor to medium financial difficulties, but I would like a baby. He feels we should get ourselves together financially first though. I understand his point, but at the same time I would like to start a family. It's a tough situation. But since God has blessed you with a little one, have no regrets my friend. If the birds don't worry about what they will eat, and God still takes care of them, He will definitely take care of you and your family. I say this for myself to hear too. :-)



Winn -> RE: Reaching Out... Hurtful Family Relationships (7/26/2008 10:53:26 PM)

Dear Sharealaf and Nmbr1wife and Sudden,

Thanks for taking time to post your thoughts. I am surprised at how much this is helping me and how much support I feel here. What a blessing!

Sharealaf, I know what you are talking about - very similar situations here. But, honestly, yours sounds much harder. We have struggled financially but have not had to deal day to day with resentment and direct interaction. I think that would be especially difficult emotionally. I care for the kids but find it difficult to be around them sometimes because of their attitudes toward my husband and I.

Nmbr1wife, thanks for the encouragement regarding family. I especially loved your reminder about the birds. My little boy had Bible school last week, and my favorite song was about God providing and mentioned the flowers and birds. Isn't God amazing to have put that in His Word for us?!

My husband and I had some discussion this weekend regarding our finances. We decided to prayerfully consider each decision: about housing, what things we can sell, school district options when we move, etc. We were very blessed by considering these things in light of "What would God want and what would glorify Him." We both feel very encouraged and not quite so overwhelmed.

I also believe strongly that your prayers have helped. My husband was able to talk with his ex-wife and actually had a real conversation. He has been unable to really talk to her for years because she gets so irrational and can't stop screaming on the phone. (She has a lot of other problems in her life with drugs and alcohol as well.) After you and family and friends praying, my husband tried calling her. They were able to look at an emancipation option that will make things easier on each family. We are still going to help his daughter directly with schooling. This is such an answer to prayer, also the praying we've done for his ex-wife, because she was able to forgive him in her heart somewhat. (I think she might be very angry at herself for having the affairs and leaving - not sure.) Anyway, THANK YOU FOR THE PRAYERS! I will write when we find out what happens with the court case.

In His Love,
Winn



jaimestarcross -> RE: Reaching Out... Hurtful Family Relationships (7/26/2008 11:25:52 PM)

Welcome 2 the forum Winn!

Set a limit on the amount of sensitive info you share with well meaning family members who don't know how to help out or show proper support... I share my personal battles with very few people - I definitely don't share with family members who don't know how to help or they are insensitive.

*You can only give just so much financial support to your children - don't beat yourself up over it if you can't help out the daughter that is going to college... you have other responsibilities too! I went to college and paid for it myself and I appreciated my mom's prayers and encouragement during that time - my mom is a widow and didn't have any money to help me out when I went to local college. I also paid for my own car and insurance - it was hard but it's good to learn how to be able to do things without going to parents for financial help all the time. I've seen too many of my friends get life handed to them on a silver platter and they turned out to be immature adults who still hound their parents(now elderly) for money!



Winn -> RE: Reaching Out... Hurtful Family Relationships (7/28/2008 10:55:46 AM)

Dear Jaimestarcross,

Very good points...


quote:

ORIGINAL: jaimestarcross

Set a limit on the amount of sensitive info you share with well meaning family members who don't know how to help out or show proper support...

*You can only give just so much financial support to your children - don't beat yourself up over it



I think I need to learn to communicate with my family without expecting something they can't give. It doesn't have to be all-or-nothing, just guarding my most sensitive feelings.

Also, good reassurance regarding helping children. I definitely believe you are right about this. We want to help her, but let her handle things on her own as much as possible.

p.s. Kudos for putting yourself through college! Something you can always feel good about...



elastic -> RE: Reaching Out... Hurtful Family Relationships (7/28/2008 12:29:08 PM)

i was really unaware that a person had to continue to make child support payments after that child moved out on his/her own and lived with someone other than one of the parents.

it may be that he doesn't have to support your step daughter who is no longer living at home. you might want to check on that because it doesn't sound right.



Winn -> RE: Reaching Out... Hurtful Family Relationships (7/28/2008 7:21:46 PM)

Dear elastic,

You might be right on this...


quote:

ORIGINAL: elastic
i was really unaware that a person had to continue to make child support payments after that child moved out on his/her own and lived with someone other than one of the parents.



We will have to go to court, so hopefully the judge will see her as independent. Apparently college is the deciding factor, especially if she enrolls full-time.



Isable01 -> RE: Reaching Out... Hurtful Family Relationships (7/31/2008 1:59:57 AM)

I just started this chat business, so Howdy to Winn, Sharelaf, and all the other,

My story is older. I'm primary caregiver for my parents, and my husband who is older. I married at age 42 to a 69 year old charming adorable southern gentleman; who was full of energy and life and treated like I was the most special lady in the world.

in 2003 I choose to care for my aging parents; because the loving genourous man said; "you only have one Mom and Dad" It wasn't so hard at first that were all able to walk and toliet themselves. I did have to coach Moma to the bathroom and pick out her clothes. She had forgotten the differance between a blouse and skirt.

My husband's children from his second wife were not all that accepting of his new wife. The children in Charleston had not received much attention so any attention was appreciated.

I have enjoyed reading this chat forum and like having somewhere to go vent and feel like I'm not alone. I haven't set boundaries and wouldn't tell my
demanding father and husband NO. They act like three year old's and I had trouble with the role reversal thing. Moma on the other hand is a dear.

She laughs when I tell her that Dad is spoiled rotten. She told me when I was sixteen that he was babyish. She was right. At the time I replied
"Oh Mother you have no romance in your soul"

In five year we have adjusted to a slower, boring to me kinda of life, But God has guided when we choose to ask for help.

I'll write more on Saturday, my "LON DEAR" that my husband is calling. Good Night all and GOD Bless all our families. Thanks for reaching out.



Winn -> RE: Reaching Out... Hurtful Family Relationships (7/31/2008 2:49:05 PM)

Dear Granny S (Isable01),

What a lovely sweet spirit you have. Thank you for sharing your story. I have to admit, it helps put my issues in perspective. My mother is caring for my step-dad, who is terminally ill. They have had some serious difficulties adjusting to their roles.

I'm so glad you have taken time to reach out as well...

Winn

p.s. The parents of my step-daughter are planning to sign an emancipation form this week. This will probably end the ongoing support issues and get everyone out of the court battles finally. We talked with my step-daughter and assured her that we will still help with school. Her attitude is that she wants more money. (I understand this is how she has been raised.) Either way, we will do what is right in the Lord's eyes and leave Him to His amazing work!

Anyone who will, please pray for this young lady (my step-daughter) and her parents as they handle these difficult issues. I have been sad about her losing medical insurance and other dependent support help. But we cannot get her to agree to moving in with parents or taking steps to stop the emancipation process. I believe this is where boundaries come in for me, because I have to let her decisions be her choices. I can help from there, but cannot solve her problems.

Note* Family relationships are better since I have been limiting my conversations a bit. I am also paying attention to learn who can handle what emotionally in our relationship. For example, my father is really good at helping find solutions, so I bring logical issues to him. My sister is a great prayer warrior, so I call her for prayer and pray for her, but don't bog her down with details that upset her so much. My mother is a good listener. I have discovered she is willing to let me talk a little bit without judgement. This helps a lot.

I am very thankful for this forum. Thank you all for replying and answering my call for conversation. Reaching out has been very helpful. I also believe your prayers are instrumental in the positive results we are seeing in our court case. This week my husband came home after work 3 nights in a row instead of going to the second job (the business we run). He had a couple of hours each night with us and played with our little 5-year old boy. I cannot imagine how nice it will be to work a little less hours and have time for our family!

-Winn



Winn -> RE: Reaching Out... Hurtful Family Relationships (7/31/2008 3:04:13 PM)

Dear Granny S,

I tried to send you a private message, but it said you couldn't receive them. I don't know enough about this computer stuff to know how to change it if you want to, but I thought I would let you know.

I will tell you the basic idea here with a little less detail...

To everyone else: (It was only private because I have been advised not to include too much personal detail on general posts for security reasons; I'm not leaving anyone out.)

I wanted to tell Granny S how much your message touched me. I am moved beyond measure by what you are doing for God and your family. I think it is so wonderful that He allows us to love as He loves, even giving us the heart to do so.

You told me that your mom doesn't believe in steps; all children need as much love as they can get. I think this is so true and also about God. He loves us all equally no matter our background.

I find your sweet kind loving spirit and enouragement and an absolute inspiration!

Love in Christ with Blessings and Prayers,
from Winn



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