Child going to wrong church with father's new family (Full Version)

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Carrieberry -> Child going to wrong church with father's new family (7/23/2008 10:23:02 AM)

Has anyone had experience with your child going to a different denominational church (while on visits with the other parent) than the one they are born and currently being raised in?

To be specific, father, mother and child are of one faith and have agreed to raise child in that particular faith. But when father re-married decides to switch and take child to differnt denominational church. Child is not too happy and is confused but doesn't want to disappoint father who denies there is anything wrong....

Any insight or suggestions???



manda59 -> RE: Child going to wrong church with father's new family (7/23/2008 10:28:06 AM)

Just wondered if you could clarify which denominations you mean - because going to a different denomination doesn't necessarily mean a different faith. Quite a few denoms (and non-denoms) agree on the essentials (ie what is in the Nicene creed).



lexie -> RE: Child going to wrong church with father's new family (7/23/2008 10:28:13 AM)

Are there major theological differences between the denominations?

(cross posted with Manda!!!)



daisies4u -> RE: Child going to wrong church with father's new family (7/23/2008 10:42:39 AM)

And how old is the child?



SweetLittleErin -> RE: Child going to wrong church with father's new family (7/23/2008 12:06:45 PM)

I"m with the prior posters....there are not huge theological difference between many denominations. I'd be curious to know what denominations are being discussed here. Plus the terminology "wrong church" seems awfully harsh if we are just discussing denominations. I'



csl7037 -> RE: Child going to wrong church with father's new family (7/23/2008 12:08:10 PM)

You said "different faith" and then said "different denomination". I agree that the responses you get will vary greatly depending on which you mean - because those are two very different things.

I will go ahead and say that if you're talking different denominations and calling his the "wrong church" - I'm going to say this kid getting the opportunity to branch out from a church with that attitude is probably a very good thing. If, worst case, your ex was trying to take him into a cult or something - that attitude will be exactly what pushes the kid to it.



Carrieberry -> RE: Child going to wrong church with father's new family (7/23/2008 1:32:19 PM)

Okay. We are Catholic and dad is starting to go to a non denominational church - what is that? no particular denomination or just whatever you want it to be denomination? I guess that's why I'm saying different faith/denomination and wrong church. He can't even tell me what it is, he just thinks it's nicer there...

Child is ten and is telling me about wanting to go to a Catholic church but dad doesn't want to go any more. If dad decides he wants a change for himself that's his right but the fact remains that 1. It has always been agreed that child is to be raised Catholic and 2. Child is not happy about this.



isaacsmom -> RE: Child going to wrong church with father's new family (7/23/2008 1:51:22 PM)

quote:

a non denominational church - what is that? no particular denomination or just whatever you want it to be denomination?


Non-denominational churches aren't affilliated with any denomination, such as Baptist, Methodist, Pentecostal, etc. It's not necessarily a bad thing. Non-denominational churches are not "believe whatever you want" churches. They have statements of faith and church covenants, stating what they believe. You can probably check the church website or call them to get a copy of this. They are organized just like any other church (with elders/deacons, etc.), except they are independent.

As far as your situation, I would think the first step would be talking to your child's father about the decision you made together, and praying about it.



3cappuccinosmom -> RE: Child going to wrong church with father's new family (7/23/2008 1:55:42 PM)

Why don't you call the church and ask them to send you their statement of faith? That way you can assure yourself that your child is not being introduced to a cult or anything. [;)]

Unfortunately, this kind of things happens when families split up, and children do suffer. Life isn't easy when you're shuffled back and forth between two households. But you can't force your ex to go back to the Catholic church, and you should encourage your child to obey and respect his father, even if he's not completely happy going to the new church. He can go to Catholic church when he's with you, and when he gets older, he can choose on his own which church to attend.



Jenny-Fair -> RE: Child going to wrong church with father's new family (7/23/2008 1:57:29 PM)

First off, religious upbringing is covered in most parenting plans. What does yours say?

Secondly, I have been to nondenominational churches. I don't think you have anything to worry about, but...

Thirdly, the church should have a website, and on the website there should be a 'what we believe' section. I would recommend going there before worrying any further.

Sounds like his dad is doing well. A Christian church of a different denomination is far better than no church at all, or taking the child to a cult. Both of which I have seen personally.



lexie -> RE: Child going to wrong church with father's new family (7/23/2008 3:57:24 PM)

You'll also find that many non-denominational churches are part of larger groups of churches that just aren't under banner or leading of other denominations. So just because they don't have a title familiar to you, doesn't mean they aren't legitimate, and it doesn't mean that they are one church on their own.

I don't see how you can be angry about this. You may have agreed to one thing, but think about if you had started attending another church and decided that this was the right one for you. Would you say "well I agreed that our child would be raised in the Catholic church so I must stay there"? I'm pretty sure you would attend the new church if that is what you think is right.

Why does your child want to be in the Catholic Church? Because that is what he has been told is right, or is it because he really believes in what they are teaching. Is it because all of his friends are there, and he doesn't know anyone at the new one? There may be a specific reason that both parents need to understand and that could easily be dealt with.

There is nothing wrong with having your son attending different churches with the two of you. Now is the time to teach your son to search the Scriptures for himself, to lean on God to guide him and help him make his own decisions about what is right. Teach your son that salvation is not about which pew he sits in on Sunday morning, but about his personal faith in Jesus Christ. Neither of you can get your son his salvation, that is entirely up to him.



manda59 -> RE: Child going to wrong church with father's new family (7/23/2008 4:00:41 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Carrieberry
Okay. We are Catholic and dad is starting to go to a non denominational church - what is that? no particular denomination or just whatever you want it to be denomination? I guess that's why I'm saying different faith/denomination and wrong church. He can't even tell me what it is, he just thinks it's nicer there...

Child is ten and is telling me about wanting to go to a Catholic church but dad doesn't want to go any more. If dad decides he wants a change for himself that's his right but the fact remains that 1. It has always been agreed that child is to be raised Catholic and 2. Child is not happy about this.




I go to a non-denominational church here in the UK.

All it means is a group of Christians worshipping together, under a common Statement of Faith, without a denominational label.

Here is the Statement of Faith from Crosswalk (this Forum):

quote:


Statement of Faith

We believe that there is one God, eternally existing in three persons: the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

We believe that the Bible is God's written revelation to man and that it is verbally inspired, authoritative, and without error in the original manuscripts.

We believe in the deity of Jesus Christ, His virgin birth, sinless life, miracles, death on the cross to provide for our redemption, bodily resurrection and ascension into heaven, present ministry of intercession for us, and His return to earth in power and glory.

We believe in the personality and deity of the Holy Spirit, that He performs the miracle of the new birth in an unbeliever and indwells believers, enabling them to live a godly life.

We believe that man was created in the image of God, but because of sin, was alienated from God. That alienation can be removed only by accepting through faith God's gift of salvation which was made possible by Christ's death.


Do you agree with all of that? If your ex-husband's church agree with all of that too I would suggest that you really don't have anything to worry about, and that all you need to say to your son is that different churches work in different ways, and have different styles. That different people like different styles - eg some like things formal and quiet, and others like things less formal and livelier.

What is it specifically that your son doesn't like about the non-denom church?

quote:


Child is not too happy and is confused but doesn't want to disappoint father who denies there is anything wrong....


Are you sure it's not you he doesn't want to disappoint by enjoying this new church? Might he not have picked up on your concern and perceived negativity about it?



PatricksPeaches -> RE: Child going to wrong church with father's new family (7/23/2008 4:04:28 PM)

quote:

He can go to Catholic church when he's with you, and when he gets older, he can choose on his own which church to attend.


I agree with this statement. The child needs to respect his fathers decision. Even though you both agreed to raise him Catholic, things changed when you separated. Keep taking him to Catholic church with you and let him go to non-denom church with dad.



Sideways -> RE: Child going to wrong church with father's new family (7/23/2008 4:12:58 PM)

I agree that you should investigate this church further, to see if you have any major problems. But at 10, I think the child should have at least a voice. Can you hold a family meeting and calmly discuss everyone's view and thoughts?

Any Protestant church will have doctrinal differences with the Catholic church, and it does seem wrong to me that this man agreed to raise his children Catholic and is now going back on his word, a move which is distressing to the child.

This child may be hearing the Catholic church bashed on a regular basis at this father's church, which has the potential to set up a great deal of conflict and pain within the child. Do your best to find out why the child is upset exactly. There may be things he's hearing at this church that are very confusing/upsetting to him.



lexie -> RE: Child going to wrong church with father's new family (7/23/2008 5:06:10 PM)

quote:

Any Protestant church will have doctrinal differences with the Catholic church, and it does seem wrong to me that this man agreed to raise his children Catholic and is now going back on his word, a move which is distressing to the child.


The thing is though, we don't know down the road how things will go for us. Many people have changed churches. I know plenty of people who don't belong to the denomination they grew up in, and I know plenty of people who change denominations as adults.

It's easy to say right now that we'll raise the child in a certain denomination. But we have to put ourselves in that persons shoes and think, what if a few years down the road, God prompts me to attend another church? Because we gave someone our word, were supposed to sacrifice our faith and what God asks of us?



Sideways -> RE: Child going to wrong church with father's new family (7/23/2008 5:40:58 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lexie
what if a few years down the road, God prompts me to attend another church? Because we gave someone our word, were supposed to sacrifice our faith and what God asks of us?


I see your point, but this child has two parents. Would you take your daughter to a different church over the objections of your husband?

If one parent has been taking him to one church his whole life, then he's taken to a very different church (one which may or may not degrade the church of his youth), then that has the potential for a lot of conflict and harm within the child.

I still think both parents need to come together in agreement, so they can face the child together and answer any questions/problems that will inevitably arise from being half Protestant/half Catholic. The dad should not have made this move without consulting the mom first. As it is, both mom and child are upset, and dad really dropped the ball.



Kath -> RE: Child going to wrong church with father's new family (7/23/2008 10:34:22 PM)

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zoebob -> RE: Child going to wrong church with father's new family (7/23/2008 10:37:27 PM)

Is the father telling the child he shouldn't attend the catholic church with you when he's with you? I don't know what you think the father should be doing. If the father has come to a decision that for whatever reason he doesn't believe the catholic church is right should he not go to church when he has your child for the weekend? Should he go to a church he doesn't agree with when he has the child? The child is obviously not old enough to leave home alone on Sunday morning. If it is that important to you that your child not attend a protestant church maybe you need to revisit the topic of visitation so that the child isn't with dad on Sunday AM.



mommyplus3 -> RE: Child going to wrong church with father's new family (7/23/2008 10:42:09 PM)

what exactly is a parenting plan?


quote:

ORIGINAL: Jenny-Fair

First off, religious upbringing is covered in most parenting plans. What does yours say?

Secondly, I have been to nondenominational churches. I don't think you have anything to worry about, but...

Thirdly, the church should have a website, and on the website there should be a 'what we believe' section. I would recommend going there before worrying any further.

Sounds like his dad is doing well. A Christian church of a different denomination is far better than no church at all, or taking the child to a cult. Both of which I have seen personally.



zoebob -> RE: Child going to wrong church with father's new family (7/23/2008 10:43:31 PM)

When there is a divorce/separation/whatever and there are custody papers it has details about how different things work such as sharing certain information, who has the right to decide different aspects of the child's life, etc.



mommyplus3 -> RE: Child going to wrong church with father's new family (7/23/2008 10:47:04 PM)

thank you!! very interesting...is it a legal thing? in all states? my dh and his ex-wife do not have one, just lots of open ommunication [:D] and a really great stepmom that helps keep the peace LOL



Jenny-Fair -> RE: Child going to wrong church with father's new family (7/23/2008 11:05:04 PM)

They probably do have one. In this state, and many others, you cannot get a divorce finalized without a parenting plan or custody agreement.

Mine says I have full control over their religious upbringing and education. Most say parents have to agree.



MrsTracy72 -> RE: Child going to wrong church with father's new family (7/23/2008 11:22:07 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Carrieberry

Okay. We are Catholic and dad is starting to go to a non denominational church - what is that? no particular denomination or just whatever you want it to be denomination? I guess that's why I'm saying different faith/denomination and wrong church. He can't even tell me what it is, he just thinks it's nicer there...

Child is ten and is telling me about wanting to go to a Catholic church but dad doesn't want to go any more. If dad decides he wants a change for himself that's his right but the fact remains that 1. It has always been agreed that child is to be raised Catholic and 2. Child is not happy about this.



First my background. I converted to the Catholic church when I married my first husband. I know that our marriage would not be considered valid to his church if we didn't get married there, and the only way to get married there was for me to convert.

While we were still married, it didn't feel right and eventhough my son was baptized there, I still had my own doubts and we did talk about them. Before our divorce, he did tell me to pick a church and we would go.

But before I could do that, I found myself locked out of my own apartment and him insisting on a divorce. So after trying to get him to counseling, and going to counseling myself, (very briefly) it was apparent that since he had already moved on, we were not going to stay married, and I filed for divorce.

I went back to my old church and was quite happy there, but it was a different synod than what I grew up in and for some reason, I felt I needed to go back to my original synod. At the time, it was what I needed. It gave me a foundation for my faith, but at the same time, after 6 years of dealing with laws and bylaws that didn't always match what the bible said, I found myself kind of accidently in my current church.

But along the way, I kept my ex husband aware of the changes. This last time, he had less say in it, but was aware that we were moving. Since he has never tried to even take my son to church on his weekends, I really don't feel bad making that decision and then telling him because he wasn't doing his part.

He did take my son to a Catholic church ONE time (we have been divorced 11 years) and in that one time, he built him up to go there every week and told him that they were going to start going to church.......... Well, not only did that not happen, but the time they were there (a whole 45 minutes) nothing was explained to him. So he basically sat there, not knowing why they were praying to saints, who these people they were praying to were, and so on.

I think that if a church is focused on God, then no matter what the denomonitation there is nothing wrong with it. I know alot of Catholic people who are very grounded in their faith, but I just can't be.

That may be the same with your ex. He isn't being fed the way he needs to be. As for your son, I am going to tell you what I tell my son everytime he says his dad asked about our church. I tell my son to invite him to church one weekend so he can not only read the statement of faith, but he can be a part of a service, read the bulletin, talk to the pastor and really see what the church is all about.

I would invite you to do the same. Take yoru son to the church his dad is taking him to and just see what it is like. I don't know why he would be confused at a non denomonital church when at least in my experience, the entire service is totally praise (songs) prayer, and a teaching which would be like a homily for you.

If your parenting agreement specifically says he is raised Catholic, then that is how he is raised. He has already had his first communion and after that is Confirmation. But confirmation is HIM confirming HIS faith in that church. Your job is to give him the tools he needs to decide if that is what he wants for himself.

I wish you well and can only say that I am sorry you are going through this. I know it can be difficult and I don't know how long you have been divorced, but it is hard no matter what. All of the weekend changing and transition can be difficult and wear on you after so many years.



Jenny-Fair -> RE: Child going to wrong church with father's new family (7/23/2008 11:37:10 PM)

quote:

That may be the same with your ex. He isn't being fed the way he needs to be.

I think that is a very good point. After all, the better grounded the dad is, the better off the child will be!



Sideways -> RE: Child going to wrong church with father's new family (7/24/2008 7:28:04 AM)

So, if the child started out Protestant, but the dad felt better fed at a Catholic Mass, then everyone would be fine with that, too? That's cool.

I agree that the more the mom learns about the non-denom church, the better she can discuss any issues or problems with the father, and address any questions that may come up from the child. More understanding and better communications between the two parents and child can only be a good thing.



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