Possible to Stop Loving Someone? (Full Version)

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sunshinesoprano -> Possible to Stop Loving Someone? (7/21/2008 7:59:55 AM)

Hey, everyone. I have a question on behalf of a friend of mine that because I've never been in love, I don't have an answer for.

Is it possible to stop loving someone completely? As in, turn off all the feelings as if they never existed? She said she's prayed and studied and asked God for help, yet she still loves this person, despite the fact she knows she shouldn't.

Thanks.



Wild-Rose -> RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? (7/21/2008 9:16:18 AM)

She will probably always care for him, but she can make herself stop acting on love. For example if you have a friend of the opposite sex who gets married, you might have to stop seeing him and stop calling him. Just let him go on with his life with his wife and you step out of his life. You might still feel love for him but you know you have to let him go.

I don't know what the circumstances are but as time goes on it hurts less.



bluestone -> RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? (7/21/2008 9:18:23 AM)

yes it is possible.

The feeling of being "in love" usually changes and lessens in 3.5 years, unless nurtured by the other person, or by fantasy about that person.

I learned that in an anthropology class.



creationtalk -> RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? (7/21/2008 9:28:37 AM)

quote:

Is it possible to stop loving someone completely? As in, turn off all the feelings as if they never existed?


Yes. If you've read any of the posts in the Marriage forum, you'd know that this is true.

In the case of your friend, the answer is also yes. Love is as much a decision as a feeling. If she has feelings of love for someone, then she can decide to stop thinking about that person. When she finds herself thinking of him, she can chose to stop thinking those thoughts and focus her thoughts on something else--she can start praying for someone, she can take up a hobby that takes her time and attention, she can start a study of something. It won't always be easy, but it is possible to stop yourself from thinking thoughts...remember, being tempted is not the sin, acting or dwelling on the temptation is the sin. Most of the time, when we have feelings for someone that are inappropriate, these feelings are based more on fantasy than on reality. Perhaps your friend needs to remind herself of that as well.



jaimestarcross -> RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? (7/21/2008 10:26:40 AM)

It's possible not to love someone any more - loving someone is a choice.



TorchHeart -> RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? (7/21/2008 10:59:53 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: jaimestarcross

It's possible not to love someone any more - loving someone is a choice.


It's possible, I'll agree with that. However, I do not believe completely that loving someone is a choice.



slushie -> RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? (7/21/2008 11:21:20 AM)

I believe that yes, you can stop loving someone. Sometimes the feelings may be hard to control, but we can choose not to act on those feelings. There's the choice not to feed fantasies, as well.



buckifn -> RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? (7/21/2008 11:24:09 AM)

Yes, people mature, change, and move on with their lives. Sometimes putting a huge distance between yourself and the person you need to let go helps a lot. Maybe your friend should try that?



deermousie -> RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? (7/21/2008 12:06:15 PM)

There are several things we call love that aren't the same thing:

There is infatuation ("I can't wait to get") and emotion comes on fast and leaves fast.

There are the four loves in Scripture:
eros - sexual passion
phileo - friendship ("I like what I get from you")
stergi - parental love
agape - unconditional love ("I love you because I choose to love you no matter who or what you are.") Agape can wait because it doesn't have to get anything back. This is the kind of love God has from us, and it looks like we can love this way only when God gives it to us to give to others (which He commands we do).

Our bodies are programmed for marriage, and sexual involvement causes a bond to form (especially for women. That's why you see battered women who "love" their batterers and refuse to leave them). And our bodies have long memories. That bond is a good thing in a marriage.

Sometimes a person has to tell themselves "no" and go do what God wants them to do inspite of how they feel.



sunshinesoprano -> RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? (7/21/2008 12:13:19 PM)

Thanks for all of your replies. My friend's situation is a little different because she's been friends with this person for several years. They have a mutual interest and just a very different kind of friendship. They've never crossed the line into anything more than friendship in action or word, but she told me that she just feels something there based on their eye contact, body language, etc.

She's tried to become angry with him, find reasons to despise him, distance herself from him, but she just continues to have a love for him.

I have no idea what to tell her to even start fixing this. It's not like there's a physical connection, or even that they've talked about it.

I've never seen them together and I don't think I'd even be able to help if I did.

She's a great friend and I just don't know how to help her never having been in this place.

Thanks again.



TorchHeart -> RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? (7/21/2008 12:46:06 PM)

Can I just ask one question (maybe I've missed it on here): Why does she feel that she shouldn't love this other person?


I'm a believer that people can fall out of love with someone else and stop loving them. I also believe, though (and I'm sure I'm going to get roasted on this), that some people you don't choose whether or not you love them; you just do. And that's that.

Maybe God makes a bond that he wants us to follow through with for some reason in that person's life? I don't know. But I do believe that happens.



sunshinesoprano -> RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? (7/21/2008 12:52:42 PM)

Well, he's married. They met through a business connection and they see each other regularly.

They're both Christians, and of course they both want to do the right thing, but she says that it's very clear that there's something deeper to their friendship than your average friendship.

She feels that the way she feels about him is wrong. I can't say I disagree. She said that most of the time she does well controlling her thoughts about him, but based upon how much interaction they have, it can start it up again.

She called me crying the other day stating that she just wanted to be delivered from all of this so she can go on with her life.

All I could say is, "I know."



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? (7/21/2008 1:05:24 PM)

if she is still spending time with this person and they are doing fun things together he is depositing love units into her love bank and she will continue to have those feelings. from what you said, it sounds like she basically needs to break off contact for everyone's sake. if she really wants to be delivered, then she will stop spending time with him (ie, no contact). it is awesome she is coming to you before this [dare i say] emotional affair grows into anything more.



TorchHeart -> RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? (7/21/2008 1:16:05 PM)

I see. I don't know exactly what to tell you, except this: Fiding reasons to dispise someone, or be angry with them, or things of that nature AREN'T the answer. If you really do love someone (regardless of whether or not you believe this is a choice), you're always going to come back to that point. And frankly, I don't think that choosing to dispise someone is exactly a Christian thing to do, anyway.

Personally, I think this might be something your friend should deal with directly and head-on. My logic:

- If she confronts him with her feelings, she might learn what's actually going on there isn't what she thinks.

- It could also help her to deal with these emotions as keeping them inside and not resolving them could result in more emotional distress for her

- He might be able to help her deal with these issues, too. If its something they both feel, maybe he should be addressing it, as well.

I realize that this might seem a little dangerous. Your friend definitely doesn't want to break up a marriage and cause serious issues in that respect, so if she does this, she'd have to handle it carefully (and I'd avoid using the term love a whole lot, if at all).

Honestly, though, I believe I'm the wrong person for giving advice on this subject (though I tried anyway). Obviously, my views on why people fall in love are going to differ from the majority on here (no offense meant to majority, either, by the way). I'd take what I said with a grain of salt, as I don't know how something like this should or shouldn't work.



TorchHeart -> RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? (7/21/2008 1:19:13 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: iwillfearnoevil

it is awesome she is coming to you before this [dare i say] emotional affair grows into anything more.


I hate that term "emotional affair." I think it defies some logic, and is simply a tool for Oprah and some psychologists to make money on by making yet one more thing in society even more complicated.



laura... -> RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? (7/21/2008 1:31:01 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinesoprano

Well, he's married. They met through a business connection and they see each other regularly.

They're both Christians, and of course they both want to do the right thing, but she says that it's very clear that there's something deeper to their friendship than your average friendship.

She feels that the way she feels about him is wrong. I can't say I disagree. She said that most of the time she does well controlling her thoughts about him, but based upon how much interaction they have, it can start it up again.

She called me crying the other day stating that she just wanted to be delivered from all of this so she can go on with her life.

All I could say is, "I know."


Why do they see each other regularly?

Probaly the most effective way for her to end her infatuation with him is to a) stop seeing him and b) pray for his wife and marriage.

quote:

Personally, I think this might be something your friend should deal with directly and head-on. My logic:

- If she confronts him with her feelings, she might learn what's actually going on there isn't what she thinks.

- It could also help her to deal with these emotions as keeping them inside and not resolving them could result in more emotional distress for her

- He might be able to help her deal with these issues, too. If its something they both feel, maybe he should be addressing it, as well.

I realize that this might seem a little dangerous.


Very dangerous indeed. I do not recommend that she tell him of her feelings. She really just needs to step away from the relationship completely.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? (7/21/2008 1:31:30 PM)

i feel your friend speaking to the man about her feelings, even if they've touched on them in the past, is very dangerous. that is how many, many, many emotional affairs turn into more (torch - i'm okay if you'd rather just call it an affair without the emotional label but most people would take exception). when one person confesses their feelings for another, it often leads to disasterous outcomes sadly. the solution is less time together, not more intimate contact. most affairs have lots of aspects in common, this is one of them.



LivingParadox -> RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? (7/21/2008 1:32:23 PM)

If your friend is truly "in love" with a married person -- she needs distance from the situation. Two main reasons that are pretty obvious -- honoring the other person's marriage and allowing her to break away from the emotional bond (if she actually wants a future relationship with another that's important).

Maybe, in time she will be able to "love" as a friend but based on what you are describing no matter the innocent intent is playing with dynomite.



sunshinesoprano -> RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? (7/21/2008 1:37:23 PM)

Yeah, I agree 100% that their talking about it would not be a good idea.

They see each other regularly because they are in business together. Niether, obviously, can quit their jobs.

She obviously knows she's in danger land. She doesn't seem to be "infatuated" with him. I've been infatuated, and this seems a little different than what she experiences. I think she really loves the man, as a Christian, too.

I think the "trying to dispise" him thing was a way to turn the tide away from her feelings. Throw it in a different direction.

I think what bothers her is that she says it's kind of like a game...that's the only way I can describe it. They never speak of it, obviously to do the right thing, yet there's some sort of chemistry there, which just seems to make it worse.

Again, I've never seen them together because she's in another town, but I can sort of understand what she's saying.

I definitely think she just needs to stop playing the game. That may be easier said that done, but all things are possible with Christ.



TorchHeart -> RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? (7/21/2008 1:40:50 PM)

Iwillfearnoevil> I wouldn't even call it an affair. That's where I take exception.

I believe that "emotional affair" is just another bit of psychological mumbo-jumbo thrown out to make people (mainly men) feel insecure about dealing with other people in the outside world, limiting friendships, and giving second-rate talkshow hosts something to prattle on about. Eventually, we'll have a medication, self-help books, or therapy group sessions for it that people will shell out huge amounts of money for.

That said, I will once again state that I am probably the wrong person to be giving advice on this topic (yet I seem to be stupid enough to keep posting my opinions, so you can garner what you want of me for that. [&:] )



buckifn -> RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? (7/21/2008 1:47:00 PM)

They see each other regularly because they are in business together. Niether, obviously, can quit their jobs. [/quote]

Caring about one's soul should precede caring about one's job. There is a reason the scripture tells us to FLEE temptation...not stay put and embrace it.

Your friend has a choice to make and please do her a favor since she has come to you for advice and tell her to do what the Word of God teaches.



TorchHeart -> RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? (7/21/2008 1:52:09 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: laura...


Very dangerous indeed. I do not recommend that she tell him of her feelings. She really just needs to step away from the relationship completely.


I can see this point of view, and I'm definitely not going to argue against it. It might be the best way to address the situation.



sunshinesoprano -> RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? (7/21/2008 1:55:48 PM)

Buck, I hear what you're saying clearly. Trust me, I do.

However, I would not advise anyone right now who has a job to quit their job, when they can take other steps to remedy the problem. Jobs are too hard to come by right now, especially in her field, and I wouldn't do that.

I think she needs to take care of it in her heart anyway.



laura... -> RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? (7/21/2008 2:28:21 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinesoprano

They see each other regularly because they are in business together. Niether, obviously, can quit their jobs.

...

I think what bothers her is that she says it's kind of like a game...that's the only way I can describe it. They never speak of it, obviously to do the right thing, yet there's some sort of chemistry there, which just seems to make it worse.

...

I definitely think she just needs to stop playing the game. That may be easier said that done, but all things are possible with Christ.


At some level they must be behaving in a less than professional manner. If they must continue to work together then there must be some safeguards and boundaries set in place. The "game" they are playing is most likely "flirting". Flirting is a catalyst in human chemistry. Any personal intimacy must stop no matter how harmless or subtle it may seem. She can stop any flirting on his part with a total non-response. She needs to be emotionally unavailable. No personal talks, advise, listening ear or even praying together. If it isn't business related, any conversation needs to be kept at a minimum. There is safety in numbers, the more people present at all times the better.

quote:

She's tried to become angry with him, find reasons to despise him, distance herself from him, but she just continues to have a love for him.


This won't work because anger and hate are just the flipside of the same coin as love. Those are all passionate feelings. The opposite of love is indifference.

quote:

She doesn't seem to be "infatuated" with him. I've been infatuated, and this seems a little different than what she experiences. I think she really loves the man, as a Christian, too.


Yes, it is infatuation. True love would want the best for him and that would be for him to have a loving, blessed, safe marriage with his wife. She may really have true Christian love for him that wants all the best for him but it is being drowned out with passionate infatuation. It's not "love" that is causing her misery. It's the infatuation.



Hislittleone -> RE: Possible to Stop Loving Someone? (7/21/2008 2:33:54 PM)

quote:

I believe that yes, you can stop loving someone. Sometimes the feelings may be hard to control, but we can choose not to act on those feelings. There's the choice not to feed fantasies, as well.


I agree with this especially that we have a choice not to feed the fantasies. Your friend needs to stop seeing him completely no matter what the cost because the cost of an affair (emotional or physical) is much greater than financial loss. Think of all the people who could be hurt by this.....his children, wife, himself, your friend, their witness would be ruined etc. This is definitely a dangerous situation. She shouldn't talk to him about her feelings because that's just engaging in an emotional conversation which is just the opposite of what they need to be doing.

It is possible to stop having these kinds of feelings for someone. All you (generic "you") need to do is stop seeing them and stop thinking of them (i.e. casting out thoughts of them when they arise.....and at some point you will stop thinking of them). Eventually the feelings will fade.

If this were my friend I'd tell her to "FLEE".



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