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RE: Marriage Uncertain...Husband Initiated Divorce Talk - 7/21/2008 3:19:51 PM
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ChoirDJ
Posts: 473
Joined: 6/15/2006
From: So Cal
Status: offline
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huntermom2727...good to hear from you again...it aint over until it's over. Separation has a way of bringing clarity to what's really important to us. It'll give him some time to think if this is really what he wants to do. He's probably going to still be watching you even though you are separated. He may have lost hope because he doesn't think the changes are permanent but that's where you can prove him wrong. When I became separated from my Ex, I really wanted to find a good reason to trust her again so I continued to watch her behavior even though I told her it was over. I wanted to see if she had repented and if her changes were genuine but they proved not to be so I filed.
Regardless of what happens, I would encourage you to not beat yourself up over the things you've done in the past. All you can do is learn from your mistakes and be determined not to repeat them again. The best way to convince him that you are truly remorseful about them is to acknowledge it without making excuses each time he brings them up. Hang in there and take it one day at a time with much prayer because a lot can happen in the days to come.
_____________________________
"Sin will take you further than you intended to go, keep you there longer than you intended to stay, and cost you more than you intended to spend." Got it?
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RE: Marriage Uncertain...Husband Initiated Divorce Talk - 7/21/2008 3:20:08 PM
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p.progress
Posts: 154
Joined: 12/23/2006
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: huntermom2727
My DH and I have been married for 10 years this August. We have two kids together -- 7 and 8. We have our issues...and the same ones tend to recur over and over. When we argue or "talk", we usually end up on the front porch for hours late into the night hashing out our differences. The kids are stuck inside alone, we end up tired the next day - although we always make up. I love him very much. He loves me too.
Last night, I could tell there was something wrong with DH and he asked me outside to talk. He said he wanted to find out what I "really want". He said he's been thinking a lot about our marriage and how we can't seem to go more than a week or so without having one of our marathon "talks". He seems to think that, once the kids are grown and gone, we may be likely to get a divorce anyway. He says that he'd rather get an amicable divorce now and remain friends than to wait another 10 years and then realize how much time we wasted. We have both admitted that there have been times in our past when, if not for the kids, we probably would have divorced. But neither of us necessarily think that would have been the right thing to do. -- When we talked last night, there wasn't much emotion from him...not hard...just like he had really thought this out logically and was trying to be pragmatic about it instead of emotional. That kind of scared me b/c he's never come to me like that about the subject of divorce.
I don't want a divorce, but I can understand him not wanting to continue going the way we are. He said he's not saying he wants one either, but he wants to either fix this and know (as well as we can) that we will be happy being in this marriage for life or split up and each be happy before we go any further.
In a way, this seems so ridiculous and surreal because we love each other very much. The great times we have together are really great. There's never been any infidelity involved. We're both Christians from a very strong Christian upbringing although we haven't been in church regularly in a while.
He won't go to counseling...I've asked several times. I can't afford it anyway.
The thought of being without him makes me sick to my stomach...I would miss him horribly. The thought of him eventually being with someone else drives me insane. Not to mention the effect it would have on the kids. He says they would be fine, and I'm sure they would, but that worries me.
My instinct is to dig my heels in and fight for this marriage. I don't want to lose him -- but I see his point. We "talk" a lot.
Any expert advice is appreciated. More than anything, please pray for us. This is tough.
Thanks.
It will hurt the children - don't doubt that for a moment. If someone every says it won't or doesn't have to: They are swallowing a lie that doesn't add up to reality of such a tragic occurence. Or - if afterwards, anyone is looking on and would say that the children are 'doing fine' in spite of the shredding of their world: They are not sseing what is really going on either. There are books - studies done even by some non-Christians that dispell these lies in a heart beat.
Fight for your marrriage yes fight! But fight from the position of one a woman, wife and mother that has soaked herself in the Scriptures THAT DEAL SPECIFICALLY WITH HER AS A WOMAN & WIFE & MOTHER.
Devour such passages as 1Peter 2:18-3:6, focusing on 3:1-6...and Titus 2, and other passages, as in 1Cor.11, on the headship of the husband; and 14:31 or so onward, where the women are instructed to be taught by their husbands. Out of time now, but pray, pray, pray and again saturate yourself in such passages and abide in Christ.
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RE: Marriage Uncertain...Husband Initiated Divorce Talk - 7/21/2008 4:42:16 PM
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VisitorinWaiting
Posts: 810
Status: offline
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You have received a lot of good advice. You can still get good advice from the book I suggested. The lady who wrote the book was separated from her husband many times, and though it ended in divorce, she did what she should have as a Christian woman. So, I, again, encourage you to read it...read chapters twice or three times to absorb it fully. Has he set a date for leaving? I hope that you didn't tell the kids too soon. My parents told me once that they were thinking about separating, and I hit the floor crying. I still remember the exact place I was in the house when they told me. It impacted me very much...and even though some kids won't hit the floor crying, I still feel that the impact is the same. My parents never separated, never divorced, and are still married today...33 years last month. So, what I'm saying is that if he's not moving out ASAP...then I'm not so sure telling them now was a good idea...you may reconcile before then, but they'd still have the memory that mom and dad weren't happy and were about to separate. You, your husband, and your family are in my prayers. I really hope that you both choose to reconcile.
_____________________________
Hebrews 11:13,16 "...They said they were like visitors and strangers on earth...they were waiting for a better country, a heavenly country." (NCV)
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RE: Marriage Uncertain...Husband Initiated Divorce Talk - 7/23/2008 9:57:10 AM
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huntermom2727
Posts: 21
Joined: 7/14/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: VisitorinWaiting
You have received a lot of good advice. You can still get good advice from the book I suggested. The lady who wrote the book was separated from her husband many times, and though it ended in divorce, she did what she should have as a Christian woman. So, I, again, encourage you to read it...read chapters twice or three times to absorb it fully. Has he set a date for leaving? I hope that you didn't tell the kids too soon. My parents told me once that they were thinking about separating, and I hit the floor crying. I still remember the exact place I was in the house when they told me. It impacted me very much...and even though some kids won't hit the floor crying, I still feel that the impact is the same. My parents never separated, never divorced, and are still married today...33 years last month. So, what I'm saying is that if he's not moving out ASAP...then I'm not so sure telling them now was a good idea...you may reconcile before then, but they'd still have the memory that mom and dad weren't happy and were about to separate. You, your husband, and your family are in my prayers. I really hope that you both choose to reconcile.
We told them on Sunday night...he left Monday morning. I haven't seen him since then. I've talked to him several times as have the kids. The Lord has been with the kids and has answered my prayers as regards them. They are doing much better than I expected and seem to be open about their feelings and fears, which I encourage them to be. We've assured and reassured them that this is not their faults and that we both still love them more than anything. I know they still hope that we will get back together but I tell them that is not likely because I don't want them to hope and then be disappointed. They know that I miss their daddy though. I am still utterly heartbroken. I have lost 4 pounds this week because I just can't eat -- I get nauseous. Thank God, I have been able to stay strong and positive in front of the kids, while being sure not to say anything negative about their dad, and we three have begun reading the Bible and praying together -- we are going to church tonight as well. My husband is supposed to pick them up tomorrow and spend the afternoon with them at his parents' house and then come by the house to get some things and go over some bills. His parents are heartbroken over this too and his dad wants to talk to him. I didn't put him up to it in any way and I don't know what he is going to say, but I hope it doesn't push my husband further from me. I can tell from talking to him that his heart is hard right now. I worry about him finding someone else, if for nothing else, physical reasons. He told me it would be a while before he did that, but it is so hard not to worry. That would break my heart. I don't know if I could still pray for reconciliation after that. It would be so hard. I just feel so alone and uncertain. I have been spending a LOT of time in the Bible and prayer...that has helped me. I am just having a hard time with this pit in my stomach. Please continue to pray for us.
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RE: Marriage Uncertain...Husband Initiated Divorce Talk - 7/24/2008 9:37:25 AM
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dorothy007
Posts: 6
Joined: 7/24/2008
Status: offline
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do you think he may be involved with someone else? that would be my first thought.
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RE: Marriage Uncertain...Husband Initiated Divorce Talk - 7/25/2008 11:22:28 AM
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huntermom2727
Posts: 21
Joined: 7/14/2008
Status: offline
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That has been everyone's first thought, but he has steadfastly denied to me and others any involvement with anyone else. He was cheated on in his first marriage and was very hurt. I may be naive, but I know how he feels about infidelity and really don't believe he is lying to me now.
He says our differences are what is causing him to think that we will divorce once the children are grown anyway and that he'd rather get it over with now than to wait 10 more years and get a divorce then. I talked to him a little again last night and he said that the biggest thing he has to do right now is "get out of the way I'm [he's] thinking right now" - which is that we would already have been divorced if it weren't for the kids and we will be divorced once they are grown anyway because of our differences. He asked me last Sunday if it weren't for the kids if I thought we might already be divorced. I was honest and told him yes. He said the same thing. But I followed it up with letting him know that I don't think that would have been the right thing and that I am GLAD that we didn't divorce then. Marriage is work...and a committment. I am willing to work in this marriage...I just feel abandoned and betrayed and forsaken. I am hurt and angry and just don't know what to do or feel right now.
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RE: Marriage Uncertain...Husband Initiated Divorce Talk - 7/26/2008 7:03:42 PM
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laura...
Posts: 2745
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
Status: offline
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quote:
That has been everyone's first thought, but he has steadfastly denied to me and others any involvement with anyone else. He was cheated on in his first marriage and was very hurt. I may be naive, but I know how he feels about infidelity and really don't believe he is lying to me now.
My first husband was completely against infidelity too. That's why he left me almost as soon as he met somebody else.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: Marriage Uncertain...Husband Initiated Divorce Talk - 7/26/2008 7:33:57 PM
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narnia
Posts: 513
Status: offline
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Huntermom,
One thing to keep in mind about submission is that it does not mean you should be weak. Look at the example of Sarah-Abraham's wife. She was submissive to her husband but she was not weak or a wall flower in any way.
I too wonder if your husband is having an affair. I know he said he wasn't, but most times when folks have an affair they won't admit it right away.
I think it's good that his father wants to talk to him. His father is doing the right thing in this situation by confronting his son over his sin. Your husband may not like it-most of us don't like to be confronted with our sin, but it is the right thing to do.
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RE: Marriage Uncertain...Husband Initiated Divorce Talk - 8/10/2008 8:29:39 PM
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carl54
Posts: 57
Joined: 5/31/2005
Status: offline
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Concentrate on healing for yourself and taking care of your kids. Wake up to a brand new day every day and thank God for his blessings. Plan activities for you and your kids -- library, walks in the park or downtown, swimming, etc. -- live life to its fullest. Continue to read your Bible and share with your kids. Keep your conversations with your husband short and casual. He has made his move, now you have to move on with your life and God has a wonderful plan for you. Don't put your life on hold waiting for his next move and don't be concerned with his personal issues. Who cares if he meets someone else. That's not your problem. Live the life God directs you to live and leave the rest up to Him.
_____________________________
Walk in the Sirit and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. Gal 5:16
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RE: Marriage Uncertain...Husband Initiated Divorce Talk - 8/11/2008 12:57:41 AM
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relady
Posts: 1051
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Greater St. Louis Metro
Status: offline
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Huntermom - Please remember that just as it takes two to build a marriage, it also takes two to tear one apart. This is NOT, I repeat NOT all your fault. Please don't feel that it is.
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RE: Marriage Uncertain...Husband Initiated Divorce Talk - 8/11/2008 8:30:57 AM
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Sadey
Posts: 551
Joined: 7/25/2007
Status: offline
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My heart breaks for you and after reading your posts, it seems to me that he has set you up to fail. Everything was about him and about you changing to suit him. And of course we all change in marriage and God certainly uses it to make us more like Jesus but your circumstances seem to be very unbalanced.
What stuck out to me was his not letting you go until you had told hm what was bothering you and then not stopping until you came into agreement with him and his ideas. That is very controlling and it sounded like he had no give in him.
He wouldn't go to counseling? If he wanted this marriage he would do anything to save it. Instead it seems he has set it up for the marriage to fail and for you to feel like most of it was your fault.
I know your heart is broken and you would do anything to have your marriage. Please get into some counseling and Dr. Dobson's "Love must be tough" might give you some help in dealing with this.
Don't give up though, I'm going to p.m. you with a story that happened in my family that may give you some hope.
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RE: Marriage Uncertain...Husband Initiated Divorce Talk - 8/11/2008 9:09:35 AM
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Theophile2
Posts: 216
Joined: 8/7/2008
Status: offline
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Lord Jesus we thank you for the blessings that you shower down upon your people, and we praise you for you are El-Roi the God who sees, Jehovah Jireh the God who Provides, and Jehovah Rapha the God who Heals. We ask Lord Jesus that you heal Huntermom's marriage, that you help them restore you as Lord of their lives, that you help them learn how to nurture each other both in their individual and collective relationships with you, and that you provide for them Christian friends and counselors who will take the time to walk them through this healing journey. We ask these petitions based on the promises of your Holy Word, that they be done in the power of your Holy Spirit, in your good will and timing, and to the Glory of your Kingdom. In Jesus name ... amen.
Huntermom -
As has been mentioned in previous posts, you are getting good advice here. Also mentioned early on, is the "Love and Respect" teachings. Whether going to a conference together to get both of you on the same page, or as the book for your own edification, it is a great exposition on Eph 5:33.
What I have not seen however as I scan through the posts (and forgive me if I missed something) is you getting your relationship with Christ back on track. Go back to church and take your children with you. Go without him if you have to, but get strong in your convictions about who Christ is in your life.
And throughout this period, I do not recommend nagging him about going to church himself, although graciously inviting him now and then would show you want him with you (1 Pe 3:1-2), just silently pray for him that God will renew his faith in Christ and learn to become a man of God who cherishes you for who you are.
May God bless you and keep you, may He make his face to shine upon you and be gracious unto you, may He look upon you with favor, and give you peace.
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