My husband does not desire me (Full Version)

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kmigs -> My husband does not desire me (7/11/2008 6:17:09 AM)

I am so grateful for this website, because I have some very personal and troubling questions that I need advice from a lot of fellow christians. We have been married for 18 years and have not had an intimate relationship for about 7. It started dieing shortly after we got married. We were not Christians before we got married and our sexual relationship was alway awesome. Some times I feel like this is my punishement for that and not being married. But I know God dosn't work like that. I always took it as it was something wrong with me as "things" would stop working in the middle of it. I would roll over feeling I didn't excite him anymore, but I never made him feel that it was his fault. He was very troubled by it yet never did anything about it. Several years latter it just completely stopped. Then he told me a year ago his father had ED. It was such a relief to know it wasn't me but a physical problem. A friend gave me so medicine to help him with that problem. We were amazed at how it worked. It was a little akward and we havn't done anything in a year. Recently the Lord revealed to me that he has been flirting with a customer from work. I received a text message that should have went to his phone. I asked him who she was. She was no one just some waky women that keeps calling him. So amoungst all his half truths I found that they texted each other at least 20 times in the last 2 weeks. Then I called her and she was so appologetic as she didn't even know he was married. He finally told me she has been very forward in expressing her feelings for him. He also told me that he was sexually excited by it. They both assured me that "nothing" happened.....as that wasn't nothing enough! Something similar has happened like this 12 years ago in our marriage that we split up over. So my trust has been shattered by him many times. I have always been faithful to him. He has a major problem with flirting that my neighbor and kids have questioned. I told him that his nice friendly personality was going to get him in trouble. I am so hurt that he didn't tell her that he was married. I know I have been a biblical wife to him and shown him much affection and attention. But I am so affraid of being rejected. He dosn't want me to leave and get a divorce and neither do I. But I am not sure he is staying with me because of the kids and financial reasons. He says he loves me but does not show it in anyway. My big question now is for all you happily married Christian couples. Did you ever experience a time in your relationship when you didn't find yourself excited or desiring to be with your spouse. It's not like when you are young adults and you think about it and want to all the time. I tried to explain to him that it's something we need to set time aside for and work on. And we have plenty of sample medicine to use so why dosn't he still want to. I know the devil will continue to destroy this marriage if we do not consumate it and have healthy sexual intimacy. I know he satisfies himself often. I told him that is the ultimate of selfishness and that he wont desire me if he continues to do that. I have overweight but am not that unattractive. I have lost weight recently and am working out to get into shape. Why dosn't he but any effort into our relationship and have this strong desire to flirt! God please help us!!!!



DaveW -> RE: My husband does not desire me (7/11/2008 6:31:36 AM)

How committed to the Lord is your husband? Do you know if he has prayer and bible study time? Is he active in your congregation?

If not, that needs to be the first thing. "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you."

Next, see if you can find a good bible based marriage counselor. Go by yourself if he will not go with you. What you describe may have many different reasons, and to know for sure you would have to be a mind reader. This is just too complex to give any more advice than that over the web.



truthrevealed -> RE: My husband does not desire me (7/11/2008 2:55:48 PM)

To answer your question, YES! there have been(and still are) times when I am not "desirious" of my husband and I consider us to have a pretty decent marriage---because we're friends. I too, was.... "in the world" before I married and I believe that it does affect the intimacy in a marriage relationship but so does SOOOOOOO many other things. I've heard it said that the brain is the most prevelant sexual organ....Gosh is that true! As much as you are understandably pained by your husbands behavior/response IT HAS NOT-- A-- THING TO DO WITH YOU! It's not about your weight, your this, your that. Sure, you may want to loose weight if it'll make you feel more attractive and desirious but take it from someone who has spent many years looking at my spouse and inwardly blaming him for MY lack of satisfaction..........My stinkin' thinkin was to blame, in addition to an inability to give in to TRUE intimacy due to things from childhood.

You said that God revealed to you that your spouse was flirting with a co-worker. Do you not know that God will reveal to you why there is a lack of intimacy in your marriage as well? God, thru His Spirit wants to be your Counselor. He wants to lead you into truth---beginning and most importantly with truth about YOURSELF and what you bring to the table but as you've already seen, God will enlighten you and give you wisdom about your husband as well. My husband(who is not one to initiate "deep" discussions--although we talk about EVERYTHING)blew my mind one night when he revelaed to me an understanding he had about my problems with intimacy. I wanted to immediately reject it---but it was true. Such revelation came from God--because he saught God for understanding, as he was understandibly hurt by my "rejection." It is most devastating to your marriage that you have not been intimate in so long, YET God is able to restore allllll the years that the enemy has stolen. So, seek God. I suggest that you pray the prayer of Paul over your self, your husband and your marriage(Ephesians 1:16-22). God will not only grant you wisdom but the POWER to overcome what you're facing in your marriage if you don't give up and trust Him!!!!!!

God bless you



ta_mosquito -> RE: My husband does not desire me (7/11/2008 3:01:50 PM)

MODERATOR'S NOTE :: ATTENTION PLEASE

Moving this topic from Marriage to Women Only, as we do not allow discussions about sex in mixed company.

Please also note that our Community is not the ideal platform for discussing intimate details regarding this topic. Users with serious questions on sex how-tos and other sexual matters of an intimate nature should take advantage of this excellent resource for married Christians:
http://themarriagebed.com

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PrincessDonna -> RE: My husband does not desire me (7/11/2008 9:56:18 PM)

Sometimes the feeling to want to be intimate is not there for me, because of chronic painful medical conditions. The choice can be made (barring medical issues) to fill their needs anyway. And I have found, when I have not felt like it and have participated for his benefit, that I do end up desiring him again. Frequency has a lot to do with desire, IME. Meaning...the more you have, the more you want, to a point anyway.

Is he willing to see a counselor? Some men would not be. He should definitely see a doctor and see if depression or ED is an issue.

Beyond those things, scheduling time alone, time to be together and enjoy each other in every way, but with no pressure, is definitely in order.



BlessedMamaofmany -> RE: My husband does not desire me (7/12/2008 6:42:29 AM)

Donna gives some awesome advice!
I've btdt regarding no desire as well. It's still a battle, but I made a commitment to God and my husband some time ago that I would always be available to him, my desire aside. Not that I just lie there like a doormat...but I very rarely say no. I almost always say, "sure!" when he shows a need for some lovin'.
I've come to discover that for most men, sex goes way beyond a simple desire for pleasure. It's their way of connecting with us, bonding with us, much like hugs and snuggles are for us.
To make the effort to meet his needs when you really have no desire is an act of sacrificial love on your part, and won't go unblessed.
Often times, the act will bring on the desire.



dorothy007 -> RE: My husband does not desire me (7/24/2008 10:46:34 PM)

My husband isn't interested in being intimate with me, and I don't wonder why. I have gained some weight since the baby, and I know that's part of it. I don't own a piece of lingerie (or clothes that fit me properly). He also doesn't want to be with me, for example, tonight. He came home from work and has been distant and just went to bed, and wasn't going to speak to me. (If you knew us you would know that this is highly unusual). He's planning to go to the married mens breakfast this Saturday...and I've got to be honest, I wish he would go and ask for help, but he always puts on the "we've got a great relationship" thing around guys from church. When you were very physical & excited to have that part of the relationship fulfilled in marriage, and you get married and it's 1 time or less every 2 weeks... we are young (not to say that when you are older you don't), I just never thought it would be a problem. He's told me the same thing, that I just have more of a desire than he does (which makes me feel like a freak). When we are intimate I feel like he's just doing it for me, and it all just leads to more frustration, and hurt. Then I think maybe this is what God wants. For me to feel so alone, to have finally gotten married (after being a single Mom and praying for 10 years for the person God had for me to come at the right time) I'm reeling. The worst part is that I feel unsure of Gods love. So far he hasn't hit me, but, sometimes he gets very angry with me, and does things that scare me. I feel like I have to show him I won't tolerate violence, and that I will stand up to him, but then I tend to over act and then when I tell him not to throw things, he brings up a time that I flinged a pillow at him in frustration. He's also very controlling toward my daughter. I promised myself I would never be with someone that didn't treat her the way I thought they should. But, when you are in love you say..it's not so bad, there has to be some give and take. I am very hard to get along with, so, it's no surprise to me that we have problems. I need physical affection and time spent together, I get neither, he needs words of affirmation, and I'm not good at giving that...so. Sometimes you get tired of giving and giving, and you just have to receive for a while. Then it's your turn to give again. Each time maybe, God will give the strength to give better. That's my hope, for my children, if nothing else.



42servehymn -> RE: My husband does not desire me (7/25/2008 3:02:07 PM)

For my husband it is all about me being sweet. When things have started to get stale with our love life I have to check myself and see if I am being his sweet adoring wife. Once I start to dote on him again and spoil him a bit things go back to normal. Also when I focus on pleasing him in and out of the bedroom my loving feelings for him increase ten fold. It is a great cycle. The more I give the more I get.



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