How long do you wait? (Full Version)

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LivingParadox -> How long do you wait? (7/10/2008 7:51:00 PM)

Maybe some of you guys can give me some insight into the inner working of the male mind.

I seem to have a serial issue with guys that have a "long term" attraction but they never take the next step to get to know me deeper. Notice I said attraction not actual dating or courting or anything of the like.

Although I'm sure I could be picked apart with faults, but there are equally good things I bring to the party as well. And here's the kicker, after long, very long periods of nothing happening, I've gotten the idea at times that if I am friendly to another guy, innocently flirting -- I get the idea that it's perceived as "cheating". How can you cheat if no one ever comes forward to pursue me? Any ideas, thoughts, am I crazy?



ChoirDJ -> RE: How long do you wait? (7/10/2008 8:06:02 PM)

My opinion is that he can't put you on the "layaway" plan while he makes up his mind. What's the "layaway" plan you might ask? The Layaway Plan is when someone makes a small deposit on something to reserve it so no one else could buy it. The idea is I don't have the money to pay for this in full but I don't someone else to come along and by it either. I want to have my cake and eat it too so to speak.

Sounds very simplistic I know but the point is we often approach relationships with unfair expectations that someone is supposed to wait around for us while we figure out what we want to do. You may be missing out on an opportunity to meet Mr. Right if you allow yourself to be on layaway if you know what I mean. Unless he is willing to make a formal commitment to the relationship, don't put all your eggs in one basket and date whoever you please.



McFatty -> RE: How long do you wait? (7/11/2008 3:37:34 PM)

I believe a man should take an initiative. If he is too bashful to walk up to you and begin a conversation, what else will he be timid about in life, especially when something needs to be done immediately? Just a thought.



ChoirDJ -> RE: How long do you wait? (7/11/2008 3:39:23 PM)

Good point McFatty.



APZR -> RE: How long do you wait? (7/11/2008 3:43:44 PM)

If you are not attached, then it's not cheating. They have to either step forward, or watch as you move on.



LivingParadox -> RE: How long do you wait? (7/11/2008 7:00:21 PM)

Thanks, guys for your comments.
And yes, the layaway plan is the pits and if I don't watch out I'm going to be last year's model. [;)]

Truthfully, the guy in question is a good guy but the lack of initiative does make me wonder if he'll ever get around to making a move. I know I'm not a cheater so no matter the attitude that's not going to cut it with me.

I suppose since no one has "claimed" me, I can be open to anyone (within reason) that I choose... the sad thing is I'd love to give him a chance.



SavedByGraceMD -> RE: How long do you wait? (7/14/2008 6:41:35 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LivingParadox

Maybe some of you guys can give me some insight into the inner working of the male mind.

I seem to have a serial issue with guys that have a "long term" attraction but they never take the next step to get to know me deeper. Notice I said attraction not actual dating or courting or anything of the like.
Because a lot of guys, simply put, are chickens in this area, me being one of them.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LivingParadox
Although I'm sure I could be picked apart with faults, but there are equally good things I bring to the party as well. And here's the kicker, after long, very long periods of nothing happening, I've gotten the idea at times that if I am friendly to another guy, innocently flirting -- I get the idea that it's perceived as "cheating". How can you cheat if no one ever comes forward to pursue me?

Well of course you can't be cheating if their is no actual relationship. But it does hurt to see it happen, even though they only have themselves to blame.
quote:

ORIGINAL: LivingParadox
Any ideas, thoughts, am I crazy?

Most definitely if you are coming to us for advice, jj.

Seriously though, instead of sitting back and waiting for him to make a move, why don't you take the initiative. Now that you know we are chickens, go ahead and take the first step. Not only is that attractive, but it bails us out. As long as the signs are there that he is interested, and even if they are not, it is ok for you to approach him.



contend4christ -> RE: How long do you wait? (7/15/2008 2:08:39 PM)

I think I agree with SavedByGrace here, there are two things you could do, you could take the initiative and take the first step, or you could use hints which some of us men are not inclined to get. But let me say one thing don't buy into the psychic powers type of thing, drawing large conclusions from small situations like he's not taking the initiative here I wonder what that says about him. Its kind of like trying to get to know some one with out getting to know someone, you know what I mean? Don't box your self in because it could lead to lost opportunities. Let me give some examples of why you could take the first step. One of my friends in high school (will call him "Mark") really liked this one girl (will call her "Alice"). But there were lots of guys who liked her to be honest, yet he had a full out crush on her. He would tell us about her all the time, saying "Alice is this and Alice is that" and we would just be like go ahead and talk to her. Now lots of girls liked mark, he was popular and he took initiative every where you could think of from school to his family. But when it came to Alice he just was totally different, or as SavedByGrace put it, he was a "chicken". People actually thought of him as a player though he wasn't. He was usually confident with women, but when he would attempt to talk to Alice you almost had to cover your eyes because it was like watching a train wreck. Though he never came to say what he felt to her, she knew because it was obvious by his actions. Unfortunately Marks feelings were not reciprocated by her. At the same time I noticed some of my then friends who simply thought Alice was just another mountain to be climbed if you will, had no problems approaching her, they were quick to take the initiative. This is when I realized maybe, had Mark not thought so highly of Alice he might have had a better chance. What I'm trying to say is there is no way to draw any solid conclusions from the guy not taking that particular step you may be waiting around for. So you could go and move on and don't waste your time wondering and wishing or you could take the first step and see if there is anything there, but what ever you do don't waste your precious time.The girl Alice made it clear the next year she liked me and she threw hints for a whole year (Big and Obvious ones lol). After awhile she would flirt with another guy purposely and look to see if I was looking. It was funny because had she been straight forward she would have found out I would not approach her because I couldn't in good conscience do it having heard Mark blab on about her for so long. I guess it was a loyalty thing because I really started to like her. Anyway, you could go on and forget about him, or not its up to you. Either way you have done no wrong. I would just say in scripture you are really only looking for the fruits to see if a person is a believer. Just know that its harder to examine fruit from too far away, which is what can happen when choices are made on things like the speed of pursuit or whatever when truly you don't even know the guy, and neither does he know you.Its very possible his lack of pursuit is a symptom of something terrible, it very possible its not just don't waist your time guessing assuming and waiting around to long.



LivingParadox -> RE: How long do you wait? (7/15/2008 8:40:20 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SavedByGraceMD

quote:

ORIGINAL: LivingParadox
Any ideas, thoughts, am I crazy?

Most definitely if you are coming to us for advice, jj.

[sm=hammerhead.gif] You do make a good point.

Take the good and leave the bad advice and usually I can differiate between the two as truth usually rings true.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SavedByGraceMD
Seriously though, instead of sitting back and waiting for him to make a move, why don't you take the initiative. Now that you know we are chickens, go ahead and take the first step. Not only is that attractive, but it bails us out. As long as the signs are there that he is interested, and even if they are not, it is ok for you to approach him


eek. That would be hard. [;)]
Seriously, I'd like for him to initiate if that's what he wants and I've tried to make it as easy as possilbe short of being the initiator. I'd really would like kind of old fashion thing as I see the value of him leading.



LivingParadox -> RE: How long do you wait? (7/15/2008 8:52:32 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: contend4christ

I think I agree with SavedByGrace here, there are two things you could do, you could take the initiative and take the first step, or you could use hints which some of us men are not inclined to get. But let me say one thing don't buy into the psychic powers type of thing, drawing large conclusions from small situations like he's not taking the initiative here I wonder what that says about him. Its kind of like trying to get to know some one with out getting to know someone, you know what I mean? Don't box your self in because it could lead to lost opportunities. Let me give some examples of why you could take the first step. One of my friends in high school (will call him "Mark") really liked this one girl (will call her "Alice"). But there were lots of guys who liked her to be honest, yet he had a full out crush on her. He would tell us about her all the time, saying "Alice is this and Alice is that" and we would just be like go ahead and talk to her. Now lots of girls liked mark, he was popular and he took initiative every where you could think of from school to his family. But when it came to Alice he just was totally different, or as SavedByGrace put it, he was a "chicken". People actually thought of him as a player though he wasn't. He was usually confident with women, but when he would attempt to talk to Alice you almost had to cover your eyes because it was like watching a train wreck. Though he never came to say what he felt to her, she knew because it was obvious by his actions. Unfortunately Marks feelings were not reciprocated by her. At the same time I noticed some of my then friends who simply thought Alice was just another mountain to be climbed if you will, had no problems approaching her, they were quick to take the initiative. This is when I realized maybe, had Mark not thought so highly of Alice he might have had a better chance. What I'm trying to say is there is no way to draw any solid conclusions from the guy not taking that particular step you may be waiting around for. So you could go and move on and don't waste your time wondering and wishing or you could take the first step and see if there is anything there, but what ever you do don't waste your precious time.The girl Alice made it clear the next year she liked me and she threw hints for a whole year (Big and Obvious ones lol). After awhile she would flirt with another guy purposely and look to see if I was looking. It was funny because had she been straight forward she would have found out I would not approach her because I couldn't in good conscience do it having heard Mark blab on about her for so long. I guess it was a loyalty thing because I really started to like her. Anyway, you could go on and forget about him, or not its up to you. Either way you have done no wrong. I would just say in scripture you are really only looking for the fruits to see if a person is a believer. Just know that its harder to examine fruit from too far away, which is what can happen when choices are made on things like the speed of pursuit or whatever when truly you don't even know the guy, and neither does he know you.Its very possible his lack of pursuit is a symptom of something terrible, it very possible its not just don't waist your time guessing assuming and waiting around to long.


Can't say I've consulted any psychic powers (mine or anyone else's). The "attraction" is based on his, mine and our interactions over a long period of time, sometimes playful but a long period of time with no real initiating. I initiated the thread because some of that playfulness had more jealous tone when given attention from another guy. It's not like I have someone in mind I want to get serious, although it could happen...it's just the idea if he can't move but wants to be jealous...that kind of escape's me what I'm suppose to do....other than encourage him to poop or get off the pot. (Can I use that analogy on this board? -- if not let me know or edit)



Jhud -> RE: How long do you wait? (7/15/2008 9:09:08 PM)

quote:

My opinion is that he can't put you on the "layaway" plan while he makes up his mind. What's the "layaway" plan you might ask? The Layaway Plan is when someone makes a small deposit on something to reserve it so no one else could buy it. The idea is I don't have the money to pay for this in full but I don't someone else to come along and by it either. I want to have my cake and eat it too so to speak.

Sounds very simplistic I know but the point is we often approach relationships with unfair expectations that someone is supposed to wait around for us while we figure out what we want to do. You may be missing out on an opportunity to meet Mr. Right if you allow yourself to be on layaway if you know what I mean. Unless he is willing to make a formal commitment to the relationship, don't put all your eggs in one basket and date whoever you please.


This is a great insight, and I have to admit I can see how I was a lot like this before I was married. I knew lots of women and I knew some of them were attracted to me (now a days women will often be very open about this) but I was in no hurry, and while I wasn't intentionally stringing anyone along, I wasn't cutting anyone loose either. Part of my excuse was that as a leader in our large singles group, I was busy 'serving', which was sometimes an excuse for not wanting to make a commitment.

In fact I was even like that with the woman I would eventually marry. I enjoyed being around her, I often considered pursuing her, but she didn't seem to be going anywhere, so I waited.

But God had my number, and eventually, because I was in leadership, guys would often ask me advice about women they were interested in, about whether I thought they or the person they were interested in was ready to think about getting married. In about a month's time three guys approached me about dating Denise (my wife) and the thought suddenly occurred to me (thanks to God's sludge hammer) that she wasn't going to be around forever, perhaps not even for much longer.

So of course I advised all those guys to wait a bit, then I went after her. [;)] We have been married 14 years this Sept.

That's her pretty face in the picture next to me.



contend4christ -> RE: How long do you wait? (7/15/2008 10:33:23 PM)

quote:


Can't say I've consulted any psychic powers (mine or anyone else's). The "attraction" is based on his, mine and our interactions over a long period of time, sometimes playful but a long period of time with no real initiating. I initiated the thread because some of that playfulness had more jealous tone when given attention from another guy. It's not like I have someone in mind I want to get serious, although it could happen...it's just the idea if he can't move but wants to be jealous...that kind of escape's me what I'm suppose to do....other than encourage him to poop or get off the pot. (Can I use that analogy on this board? -- if not let me know or edit)


Well, really you don't have to do anything. Basically you say you don't know what to do except encourage him step up or get out of the way. (Trying to avoid your analogy lol[;)]) So really the most you could do is stop encouraging him (If you still are) to initiate because he gets the point and he isn't moving. I say this because if you continue to encourage him while seemingly encouraging someone else then, he will probably be jealous even though his jealousy is unwarranted. He's probably got it in his head that the door of opportunity is open, and its open for him only. So now that he realizes the doors could be open to someone else he doesn't like it. Solution? Shut the door on him and stop encouraging him (if you still are) because you have probably done your share. Perhaps when the door appears shut he might come knocking and ready to go through and initiate something, who knows.



SavedByGraceMD -> RE: How long do you wait? (7/16/2008 1:00:21 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: contend4christ

quote:


Can't say I've consulted any psychic powers (mine or anyone else's). The "attraction" is based on his, mine and our interactions over a long period of time, sometimes playful but a long period of time with no real initiating. I initiated the thread because some of that playfulness had more jealous tone when given attention from another guy. It's not like I have someone in mind I want to get serious, although it could happen...it's just the idea if he can't move but wants to be jealous...that kind of escape's me what I'm suppose to do....other than encourage him to poop or get off the pot. (Can I use that analogy on this board? -- if not let me know or edit)


Well, really you don't have to do anything. Basically you say you don't know what to do except encourage him step up or get out of the way. (Trying to avoid your analogy lol[;)]) So really the most you could do is stop encouraging him (If you still are) to initiate because he gets the point and he isn't moving. I say this because if you continue to encourage him while seemingly encouraging someone else then, he will probably be jealous even though his jealousy is unwarranted. He's probably got it in his head that the door of opportunity is open, and its open for him only. So now that he realizes the doors could be open to someone else he doesn't like it. Solution? Shut the door on him and stop encouraging him (if you still are) because you have probably done your share. Perhaps when the door appears shut he might come knocking and ready to go through and initiate something, who knows.

This is pretty good advice, I agree. Depending on how long this has been going on, he may never make a move. Either he doesn't really know(which is possible),he is scared of rejection, or he isn't really interested. So maybe closing the doors is good advice. Maybe like Jhud said, when he sees other guys approaching you, maybe he will act on it.



LivingParadox -> RE: How long do you wait? (7/16/2008 7:37:08 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SavedByGraceMD

quote:

ORIGINAL: contend4christ

quote:


Can't say I've consulted any psychic powers (mine or anyone else's). The "attraction" is based on his, mine and our interactions over a long period of time, sometimes playful but a long period of time with no real initiating. I initiated the thread because some of that playfulness had more jealous tone when given attention from another guy. It's not like I have someone in mind I want to get serious, although it could happen...it's just the idea if he can't move but wants to be jealous...that kind of escape's me what I'm suppose to do....other than encourage him to poop or get off the pot. (Can I use that analogy on this board? -- if not let me know or edit)


Well, really you don't have to do anything. Basically you say you don't know what to do except encourage him step up or get out of the way. (Trying to avoid your analogy lol[;)]) So really the most you could do is stop encouraging him (If you still are) to initiate because he gets the point and he isn't moving. I say this because if you continue to encourage him while seemingly encouraging someone else then, he will probably be jealous even though his jealousy is unwarranted. He's probably got it in his head that the door of opportunity is open, and its open for him only. So now that he realizes the doors could be open to someone else he doesn't like it. Solution? Shut the door on him and stop encouraging him (if you still are) because you have probably done your share. Perhaps when the door appears shut he might come knocking and ready to go through and initiate something, who knows.

This is pretty good advice, I agree. Depending on how long this has been going on, he may never make a move. Either he doesn't really know(which is possible),he is scared of rejection, or he isn't really interested. So maybe closing the doors is good advice. Maybe like Jhud said, when he sees other guys approaching you, maybe he will act on it.


At this point, it's gone on long enough that I've already kind being doing the "advice" given. Trust me with no initiating the thought has crossed my mind that maybe he's just not interested at this point and then I get "jealous" behavior. Go figure. Well, since my original post I haven't had any more jealous behavior. If it's the fear of rejection -- I wish he'd get over that as I like him. But since I may never know... I'd be stupid to not consider other guys that at least move towards me.



OneJohn410 -> RE: How long do you wait? (7/16/2008 11:48:09 PM)

Hey LP,
People talk about 'researching' someone they think about dating now, before they get past any sort of 'mesmerizing-eyesing'. I would have a tendency to go right to the gorgeous girl's best friend, unawares, and then somehow it would be everywhere that I was considering asking her for a date. Some guys like me have that kind of talent of trying to do something on the sly and winding up asking soul sista. Probably you know this guy well enough to know he's not dating anyone, and so that's piqued your interest in him.

I must admit, however, that there have been such visions of loveliness in my past that thought processes have ssssslllooooooooooowwwwedddd wayyyyyyy doooowwwwnnnnn, and yet questions bombard the brain- all those questions that can't be answered without action. And in place of truth, it's possible to hear words like, 'Man! I just know she's got to be dating someone.' This is not fear of rejection, it is fear of acceptance of an unwanted truth. This goes 'hand in hand' with since she's so attractive, she's got someone like.... oh.... like Jean-Claude(?) Van Damm for a boyfriend. Someone like that, with a real jealous streak, who wouldn't bat an eye before laying me out unconcscious on my back. There's some more truths that lurk around, like 'Excuse me? You'd like to go out with me??? (Snicker, snort, guffaw, roflol) 'Can you believe that, soul sista??!!!??' That's the only truths you'll hear from me, I'm not a traitor to the gender.

Now, I like the idea about seeing how well you can increase the distance between the two of you, yet if you really want to see if there's a real person there, you might just approach him enough for him to hear your fingers snap and you say, 'Hello? Anyone home?' the next time he appears dazed. It could well be that a little blushing, a little blood moving toward the brain, might help this guy.

Oh, and if it's me, please kick me!

OneJohn410



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