Letting go (Full Version)

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HisCopilot -> Letting go (7/7/2008 11:03:36 AM)

I am brand new to this forum but I am looking for someone that may have gone through this or is going through this can help. I have two children (a 19 year old son and a 17 year old daughter). My son joined the Army last year and is stationed here in the same town as we are. I prayed for him to get stationed here and I was so happy,however, now I am worried. He has started doing things that I sure didn't raise him to do. He picked up smoking while in AIT which was the first issue we had. He isn't allowed to smoke at my house (which for the most part he has respected) and has told me a couple of times that he has quit but then we have seen him smoking. He has also moved out of our house and his 17 year old girlfriends mother has allowed him to live there with them. He also bought a motorcycle and for a few days he was driving it around with no license and insurance, which my husband and I repeatedly talked to him about it. He finally got insurance and a license for it which is good. This 17 year old girl's mother lets her ride around town with him (and my son has never driven or ridden a motorcycle before). He even went out and spend a bunch of money on getting her a new helmet and jacket. I guess on the 4th of July he went to a party and got drunk which he is totally underage to begin with but since he doesn't live with us we didn't know anything about it until after the fact. (Not that we could do anything to stop it anyway) I just feel like since he moved out he has just started doing all this crazy stuff. Iknow he is isn't do drugs since they randomly test him for that anyway and even my daughter doesn't think he is doing them. My daugher and him have always been close their whole lives. But since he has been seeing this girl all they do is argue. He asked my daughters opinion on dating this girl and my daughter told him no that it wasn't a good idea. I guess the girl has been around the school a few times (to put it nicely) and my daughter (nor me) approve of that. I have tried to tell him that this girl is the same age as his sister and how would he feel if a 19 year old soldier tried this stuff with her, but nothing is getting through to him. I have cried and worried and my husband and I have argued over this because I am heartbroken. I am terrified this girl is going to get pregnant and they will get married, or just that they will get married period. My husband and I have talked and I think the mother is looking for someone to take care of this girl.Last night my husband and I were talking and trying to figure out where we went wrong. He had rules and chores and a job and we brought him up with Morals and values (we thought) and now he is doing all these things that we know he shouldn't be doing. My husband is blaming himself because he was in Iraq and Korea for most of my sons high school years, (he was only home 9 months in 3 years of that time frame) but I was here and the same rules applied. I have tried praying and praying and there are times that I think I'll be ok but then I start crying all over again. It isn't fair to my daughter either for all this to be going on when she only has one more year before she graduates. I guess I don't know what the point was to all this rambling, unless someone has been through it and can give some words of wisdom on how to let go. Thanks for listening.



Jenny-Fair -> RE: Letting go (7/7/2008 11:11:20 AM)

I haven't been through this, but I would advise you to stop trying to parent him as if you were in charge...telling him he shouldn't drive w/o insurance, shouldn't date this girl, etc. He's all grown up now and is going to make mistakes and hopefully learn from them, AND he seems to be acting contrary to what you want simply to be contrary. The only thing I would say to do is take a rather hard line if and when he comes to you for help (money, place to stay, etc). So don't assist him in his bad behavior, but don't give him the satisfaction of feeling like he's causing you pain and frustration by your behavior. In fact, as far as possible, don't try to seek out information on his behavior. How did you learn he'd gotten drunk, driven without insurance, etc? I really think you are playing into his hands here.

I like that his sister is learning from his mistakes. She'll get to make different ones in two years' time.



Sunnymom -> RE: Letting go (7/7/2008 12:57:18 PM)

Our children have a free will, and they will make choices just as we did and still do. Our parenting has an influence, but we cannot 'blame' ourselves for their poor choices.

My 20 yob is in the Army, but I have three younger ones at home. I know exactly how you feel, but you do have to 'let go' and take care of your family.

I tell my ds that I will help him if he is doing right, but if he is going to be stupid, don't expect me to watch.



Auben -> RE: Letting go (7/7/2008 2:36:18 PM)

Your job is to give him the skills to face life and use his common sense. Right now he's running with scissors, swimming after he eats, all that stuff you told him has consequences (hopefully you explained to him why certain choices are good, not just to make the choice you tell him is good). He's seeing for himself first hand.

All the things he's doing do have consequences...just like you say...and in a while (months, years) he'll get tired of hitting his head against the wall and start making more reasonable choices.

I haven't been there as a parent but when my sister picked up a grocery bag full of her clothes one day and headed out to Florida with some guy she met at a bar I saw this in action. My parents wondered up and down what they did wrong. They worried. They paced. They fought. They even separated for a time. But the action finally made them let her go and when she came back they had to treat her as an adult. Someone to advise, not fix. When she finally was an adult who could experience her own consequences she made better choices. She changed her life on her terms.

That's not every parent's story but sometimes you have to have faith in your child and in your raising. I believe there's a verse from Solomon that people use for this kind of situation.



faroukfarouk -> RE: Letting go (7/22/2008 1:32:12 AM)

You prayed. Don't stop praying. 1 Thess. 5.



Homegrownkids -> RE: Letting go (7/22/2008 8:15:13 AM)

Know that you are not alone. Many parents do go through this. My parents are one of them with my brother. He is living with a girl over twice his age, drinks, supports her...etc...

Just keep loving him through it. He knows where you stand. Keep praying for him.



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