divorced woman in Church (Full Version)

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TQ_Fan_4_Life -> divorced woman in Church (6/29/2008 3:47:49 PM)

guys, unsure if this should be in general or more private but coming before my peers in Christ.

I just moved to a new town(((army kinda no choice but love the South)). Is a small town in SE Alabama. I found the first week here a solid, powerful Church strong in Bible and Worship((my kinda place))).

Being single and never married just dated I have a question. is a great lady at Church have went out with a few times. but am wondering this. she just got divorced. was seperated for around a year so it isnt sudden.

do you feel i am rushing her by asking her out so sudden after the divorce?



evryknee -> RE: divorced woman in Church (6/29/2008 3:52:00 PM)

I think so. Usually, it is better to date after a year or so after a divorce. I don't know anything about the divorce either - so there may be some serious red flags -depending on the circumstances...



ChoirDJ -> RE: divorced woman in Church (6/29/2008 6:58:14 PM)

More information is needed before I could give a good answer to this question.

Some of the questions I would have is what prompted your post since it hints you knowing to some degree the timing may not be quite right? How long was she married? Why did she get divorced? Has she gotten any type of help to work through the issues that led up to the divorce? Does she have children? If so, how many and how old?



Godhead -> RE: divorced woman in Church (6/29/2008 8:33:48 PM)

I would be concerned as to why she got divorces, if it was for anything other then her husband being unfaithful, then you could not marry her. That would be committing Adultery.

And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.
(Mat 19:9)



TQ_Fan_4_Life -> RE: divorced woman in Church (6/29/2008 8:48:21 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChoirDJ

More information is needed before I could give a good answer to this question.

Some of the questions I would have is what prompted your post since it hints you knowing to some degree the timing may not be quite right? How long was she married? Why did she get divorced? Has she gotten any type of help to work through the issues that led up to the divorce? Does she have children? If so, how many and how old?


well, I am wondering as I dont want to look bad or more importantly, her look bad before the Church. I would say 15 years or so since her son is 14. I dont know every detail about the marriage but then thats personal to a degree. she will open up to me about it when she feels ready. yes she has had counseling and other help with the women of the Church.



APZR -> RE: divorced woman in Church (6/29/2008 9:52:33 PM)

I don't know how long is "just got", and don't really need to know. But I've learned that MY time line is wayyyy different from God's or anyone else's. However, if you are talking like within the past few months... I'd slow down. She has "just now" found new freedom, and that is indeed very exciting coming from a bad relationship. It'll take "a little while" before she figures out what she needs, and is ready for another serious relationship. In the mean time, you being the first single thing that has walked in front of her cross hairs (sorry, I've been recreational out shooting all weekend), you may well end up being the first notch in the belt. Maybe not on purpose, but she needs time to build herself up and learn what she needs.



ChoirDJ -> RE: divorced woman in Church (6/29/2008 10:34:43 PM)

I think you need to proceed with caution until you know all the facts because those are indeed some very important questions. Our minds tend to fill in all the voids with positive fantasies about what that person is like. You would be wise to not get your heart too vested in this person until you've really gotten to answers to the $1,000,000 questions. I would agree you don't have to know every little detail of went wrong. However, you need to know enough to assess whether or not this person is ready for another serious relationship at this this stage in the game so you don't become a rebound...and I don't understand your point about how getting more information in a non-judgemental way would make you or her look bad before the church. Surely you wouldn't be talking to others about things she tells you in confidence.



Dagwat -> RE: divorced woman in Church (6/30/2008 7:58:07 AM)

It's hard to give someone else advise in love matters. The real decision has to come from your heart, but make sure you know the contents of your heart before you trust it. A lot of prayer is by far the best way to know for sure. If you're sincere, God will lead, and He will do so in HIS timing. I am also single, and for me PERSONALLY, I will not date a divorced woman, mostly because of the afore mentioned scripture in this forum, which has scared the **** out of me for years. BUT, that being said, if you don't have a problem with the terms of her divorce, and through prayer you feel God is in it, then no-one can really say but you. I would however advise to take it very slowly, and don't make any rash decisions. Obviously you are, or you wouldn't be second guessing things now. I commend you that. In my opinion, even though the divorce has been a long coming through a lengthy seperation, the divorce itself, the new-found freedom, the "single again" lifestyle needs to be something she has plenty of time to deal with before she really knows what SHE wants and has time to pray for God's will in HER life. I think I'd sit this one out for awhile, even if for some reason she tries to speed it along. Since you've already asked her out a few times, it's going to be hard to back off, but as you pray if you feel you should, then it's only best for the BOTH of you, and her children to do so. If you do back off, and she doesn't understand, then it will be comfirmation that God probably wasn't in it. Perhaps JUST FRIENDS for now, keep it public for the time being and avoid being alone together, just to keep it slowed down enough not to become serious too fast. You've got a lot of questions that needs answering and it's going to take time to feel comfortable asking her a whole lot of details about her divorce. Try not to fall head over heels until you know what you need to know. Otherwise, your heart might over-rule your brain and you could end up making the mistake of a lifetime. Semi-private moments together are enough to talk and get well acquainted, but even then you might want to force yourself to go very slowly. If it's God's will, it's worth waiting for.



walkin2e -> RE: divorced woman in Church (6/30/2008 8:00:03 AM)

No, I don't think you are rushing her. Look at it this way, the Lord places people in your path for a reason and a season. Look to Him for guidance.

By the way, I was stationed at Fort Rucker on two occasions..1973-1975, and 1985-1986. My oldest daughter was born in Ozark. We attended a church in Daleville. It had a strong Sunday School program.

walkin2e



freakofnature -> RE: divorced woman in Church (6/30/2008 9:28:30 AM)

quote:


Godhead said:
I would be concerned as to why she got divorces, if it was for anything other then her husband being unfaithful, then you could not marry her. That would be committing Adultery.

And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.
(Mat 19:9)


Matthew 26:28
This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins

Since we are quoting scripture, I hardly think divorce is the unpardonable sin.

Acts 13:38
"Therefore, my brothers, I want you to know that through Jesus the forgiveness of sins is proclaimed to you.

I fully understand the debate on divorce and the effects of such, as an individual who has been the victim of such, (my wife left me for another man so I am free to move on also per the scriptures) However, to my friend TX_Fan_4_Life: If she was separated about a year and the divorce was just made final (it took my divorce about 2 years, financially dificult to pay attorney's) it could mean that she has separated herself long before the divorce was final, considering paper work and court times and such. The only thing I think otherwise I can add to this thread is to take your time, yeah, don't rush her, but then don't rush yourself either. If she is as great as you have said, then become good friends if she has a child already, know that it is difficult blending families even if you don't have any children, the child may resent you so you certainly even more so, need to consider that and more than any other reason this should be enough for you to take your time.



jn1010lf -> RE: divorced woman in Church (7/3/2008 8:55:59 AM)

Hello TQ_Fan_4_Life

It seems to me that wisdom would have you proceed with extreme caution here. This lady may have tons of baggage that you really don't want to have dumped on you. Are there children involved? Property? A business?

I'm convinced that divorced people need to undergo extensive counseling and possibly deliverance before they can get on with their lives. I presume this person vowed publicly and before God that they would endure in their relationship till death does her part.

There are exceptions in which a guy suddenly says that he no longer wants marriage. In that case, the woman is not bound to her vow because of his unfaithfulness.

In either case, I would advise you to proceed with extreme caution. Be a friend but not an overly interested one. Make sense?

Another thought. Marriage is not an emotional trip of humanity's story book romances. Rather, it is called by God. He created it, therefore, He has the right to conduct it according to His leading.



OneJohn410 -> RE: divorced woman in Church (7/25/2008 1:40:58 AM)

TQ,
No, you are not rushing it. You are not out to try to propose to her within the month, now, are you? That would not only be rushing it, that would be blitzing it.

And all these concerns about the big questions being unknown, I was totally amazed to read it all. See if you can do this- don't let the coversations steer toward bashing the ex, but just the occupation, hobbies, fave foods, music concerts attended, fave movie types... stuff like that that makes for two way conversation. Even if things bomb, she'll probably appreciate the sharing and the non-invasive big unknown things mentioned above.

Best wishes and I know you just love the heat and humidity,
OneJohn410



stamper_ben -> RE: divorced woman in Church (7/25/2008 4:40:43 PM)

If she's a great lady and you enjoy her company then enjoy your time spent with her.

You'll never get to know another person unless you get to know that person.



revbob4God -> RE: divorced woman in Church (7/25/2008 4:52:01 PM)

Regarding the Divorced woman in Alabama, Young man, I understand you may have feelings for this woman, but you need to know what the reason for that divorce was, and much more about the woman before you entertain serious feelings. Marriage is a serious and eternal commitment, and not to be reckoned with lightly. You aso need to examine your feelings and take a good moral inventory of yourself and what really draws you to this woman at this particular time. I would suggest you also pray and ask the Lord to guide you and give you his light and wisdom before you go any further and reguary pray and consult the Lord from here forward. Speak to the Preacher. This may also sound a little odd, but with the Preacher's permission, speak to the Preacher's wife. They are the Preacher's helpmate in these matters, and will not steer you wrong. I will pray for you.



TheRefinersFire -> RE: divorced woman in Church (7/26/2008 8:53:59 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Godhead

I would be concerned as to why she got divorces, if it was for anything other then her husband being unfaithful, then you could not marry her. That would be committing Adultery.

And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.
(Mat 19:9)

I agree.

quote:

freakofnature
Since we are quoting scripture, I hardly think divorce is the unpardonable sin.

Neither is viewing pornography on a regular basis then. But, since we're quoting scripture,

1 Corinthians 6:9
Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites,

Hebrews 13:4
Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge.

James 4:4
Adulterers and adulteresses! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Whoever therefore wants to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.



iwillfearnoevil -> RE: divorced woman in Church (7/28/2008 1:59:24 PM)

if anyone posts again about biblical reasons for divorce, it's likely this thread will be locked. cw only allows them to be discussed in that one ugly monster thread in the marriage forum. that being said:

i do think you are taking a chance by dating her. well more of a chance than usual is a better word. unresolved (or new) feelings come out or are triggered at various times. you of course don't want to be a rebound or a distraction from her healing process if it's continuing. you also have to consider you could be a stumbling block in terms of any reconciliation altho chances are close to zero of reconciliation after divorce.

i agree with oj410 to try to talk about other things as much as possible. not that it's wrong to ask or for her to share but her disclosing a lot of feelings, etc around that issue can lead to a false sense of intimacy. and you want your relationship to be based on you two (and God), more than the fact you provided ear to vent / shoulder to cry on. not saying that is bad, but this would be about you and her, not you + her + ex.

edit: i speak as a man in a similiar state as this woman (separated for over a year before any divorce initiated) and would be cautious about dating myself (that doesn't sound right, but i think people know what i mean) and want to definately try a friends first approach ... not saying don't do it, but i'd be more apt to take it slow and also realize you may end up hurt ...



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