My own "mixed signals" thread (Full Version)

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spade -> My own "mixed signals" thread (6/26/2008 1:14:33 AM)

So there's this guy, and I want to know if he likes me, but I'm moronic and won't just ask. Instead, I'd like your take on the following mixed signals. First, a little background.

My friend and I have known each other for several years. We're active volunteers in our church. He's essentially the lay pastor of our young adults ministry, which I help with. We also work for ministries that are related to each other, so we have lots in common. My friend is a traditional, conservative guy with very traditional morals and personality. He's a "by-the-book", take care of business kind of person in every sort of way. While I think he's spontaneous and flexible in lots of ways, plenty of people think he's rigid and aggressive. So he's not just your typical conservative Christian; he's got a very traditional personality combined with plenty of assertiveness and confidence.

And here's what I see as mixed signals:

  • He likes me

    • He invites me to hang out with his guy friends after services and seems disappointed if I don't go. Since I've started eating with them, more of the guy's girlfriends have come, and it's often the couples and us.
    • He seeks out extended conversations with me in group settings.
    • He doesn't care if people think we're dating. Recently, a visitor thought we married, and he just says, "well, we were talking a lot."

  • He likes me not

    • He's never asked me out
    • He doesn't initiate contact outside of church and church events
    • He makes it a point to not be alone with me, ending the conversation abruptly when others leave.



So, other than telling me that I should just ask him, what do you think?



freakofnature -> RE: My own "mixed signals" thread (6/26/2008 9:07:47 AM)

With the idea that he is very traditional conservative type, methinks maybe if you come out and ask him, it may reflect that you are too agressive and scare him away? Again, if he is a very traditional type of guy then he may also be waiting for a full fledged friendship develop between the two of you that he hopes or thinks may lead to a more secure relationship. IDK just my intial thoughts. Have you "invited him" out with your friends for "coffee" after a service? Or given him the opportunity to call you on a weekend? Kinda a "hey dude, call me this weekend if you aren't too busy" kinda suggestion?



evryknee -> RE: My own "mixed signals" thread (6/26/2008 11:37:05 AM)

He may be assertive and confident with Scripture, but not with women. If he's interested, he's probably afraid of your rejection and being alone with you for some reason (rejection, awkwardness, impure thoughts, etc.). If you are interested in him, than maybe let him know that if he asked you out some time, you would not say "no." Most likely, he will be more conmfortable group dating for awhile.



APZR -> RE: My own "mixed signals" thread (6/26/2008 5:07:37 PM)

Seems to me he's interested, but is too shy or scared of rejection to ask for a date. May also be a problem with church's employment policy... not dating volunteers or other employees. You know, "traditional" darned if you do, darned if you don't policy.



spade -> RE: My own "mixed signals" thread (6/30/2008 8:17:05 PM)

Thanks for your thoughts, guys.

quote:

if you come out and ask him, it may reflect that you are too agressive and scare him away

He knows that I'm a type A, go for it, "aggressive" kind of person. I don't think he would be scared if I asked him out, nor do I think he would be bothered by a girl asking him out in general. But I think he would prefer to ask, so I don't.

quote:

he may also be waiting for a full fledged friendship develop between the two of you

We passed the full-fledge friendship mark a good six months ago. We've been casual friends for years, but I can't imagine he's waiting to be better friends at this point. Whether he ever develops feelings for me or not, I know we share a deep mutual respect and trust.

quote:

Have you "invited him" out with your friends for "coffee" after a service? Or given him the opportunity to call you on a weekend? Kinda a "hey dude, call me this weekend if you aren't too busy" kinda suggestion?

That's a good idea. I read your post the other day, and before then, I hadn't ever invited him to anything. Any more, we run with the same circle of friends at church - really, all my friends at church are through him, in a way. I hang out sometimes with girlfriends from work, but it's either "girl's night" or, on rare occasion, with their husbands, so I've never invited him.

But we have a social event coming up at my office this week. We can invite our families, and he works next door, at a related Christian organization. Several of his coworkers will be at our event, because their spouses work in my building. When we were talking about our lack of plans for the July 4th weekend, I mentioned the event and told him he could come hang out with me. We talked some about the event's plans and our coworkers, but he didn't say if he would come. If he comes, it either means he's interested or clueless. Our coworkers won't think it's platonic if the one single woman in my building hangs out with the one single guy from his.

I may also throw in a "if you're bored this weekend, holler at me, maybe we can hang out" when I see him Wednesday night. Perhaps he is interested and he's just been waiting for me to reciprocate...



TheRefinersFire -> RE: My own "mixed signals" thread (7/7/2008 11:23:18 PM)

I think the guy is afraid of rejection. But, don't be too aggressive. Asking him out for coffee is a great idea.

Yes, he always wants to be in public view with you, like I am with women. I, for instance, would rather be around plenty of others with a woman, rather than just casual out on the night dating. This way, there's no confusion as to the purity of the relationship (if there even is one). I would say that even glorifies God.

Pray over it. perhaps God has someone dynamite for you. Perhaps this person is not God's will for you. If it is, God will make a way if you trust in Him.

God bless. :)



terryjohn -> RE: My own "mixed signals" thread (7/10/2008 3:36:13 PM)

When a man is achieving all he can both spiritually and business wise usually the last thing on his mind is settling down and gettiing married. What you are asking this guy to do is give up that which he loves, namely ministering. I know you may not think you would ever do this but once he committes to you , you do as a responsibility make demands on his time and attention that he seriously may not be ready to do. I personally did not get married until I was 35. before that I had no time for girl friends for my career and spiritual journey were far too exciting to want to give up. So no it is not so much a fear of rejection, well maybe a little but more about having to change and give up things he is more passionate about.

Lets face it, you may actually love this guy for who he is and the moment you win his love and attention, he will become someone different. You will expect him to be, others will expect him to be and he will feel he will have to be. The only women I was then attracted to before marrying were then those I saw that could in the future be a real helpto what I wanted to do. Any woman that was going to be a burden I soon dismissed.

Set not tis an up in your sights but rather set your sight on Christ. You need a vision of what Christ would have you be and get busy about it. By all means love this man but let it not be a selfish love that seeks to make him yours andtie him down for no man wants this.



spade -> RE: My own "mixed signals" thread (7/10/2008 8:39:17 PM)

Thanks to those who have posted recently. I keep thinking the thread is dead, and then it resurrects again. [:D]

I didn't get a chance to ask him he wanted to hang out over the 4th. It would have been awkward and forced in the couple chances I had, so I didn't do it. Hoping for something else soon, though.

quote:


Yes, he always wants to be in public view with you, like I am with women. I, for instance, would rather be around plenty of others with a woman, rather than just casual out on the night dating. This way, there's no confusion as to the purity of the relationship (if there even is one). I would say that even glorifies God.

I don't think that is why he doesn't want to be alone. He has dated before, and he didn't follow a strict policy of not spending time alone with his girlfriend.

But he knows that people have thought we are dating, and he knows that it bothers me. He may be keeping some distance because he doesn't want to mislead me. Or maybe he thinks I don't want to go out with him, so he won't hang out with me alone, only to have me get upset when someone else assumes we're dating. From what he's said the couple times I've tried to talk to him about it, I don't think he honestly cares what people think about our relationship, so long as we handle it in a way that honors God.

I just don't know which it is. Is he avoiding time alone with me because he doesn't want to date me? Or is he avoiding it because I've made him feel like I'm embarrassed that people think we're together, when I'm just embarrassed\annoyed because it's not true.

quote:

When a man is achieving all he can both spiritually and business wise usually the last thing on his mind is settling down and gettiing married.

Trust me, he's ready to marry. He talks about it openly while preaching\teaching. If anything, I'm the one who isn't ready.

quote:

The only women I was then attracted to before marrying were then those I saw that could in the future be a real helpto what I wanted to do. Any woman that was going to be a burden I soon dismissed.

That's a good point, and that practicality is my friend in a nutshell. While there are many ways that I feel like our goals could align, there are some things that are important to him that I'm not particularly interested in, and vice versa. For instance, he would love to be a politician for at least a term, and while I love politics on a theoretical level, that's not my "scene" (and my somewhat liberal views on a few things could be an issue). I also want to spend a year or two as a short-term missionary, and I know that isn't his scene either.

quote:


Set not tis an up in your sights but rather set your sight on Christ. You need a vision of what Christ would have you be and get busy about it. By all means love this man but let it not be a selfish love that seeks to make him yours andtie him down for no man wants this.

I am trying. I pray every day that God will help me focus on Him, instead of daydreaming about my friend. While we share personality traits and interests, I know that what I really like about him is his character, which stems from Christ. So I'm trying to focus on God, but it doesn't help that it's my friend who I hear preach and teach twice a week. I pray that God gives him the perfect mate for him, whomever that may be, trying to "release" the whole situation and relationship.

I'm also just trying to go after my dreams and the things God has called me to. I have a missions-related job that I love, I'm trying to branch out into some other missions work, and I'm learning to play guitar, so I can help in our ministry's worship team. We've also got a new senior pastor at my church who I love (my former youth pastor!), so I'm just plain happy right now on many, many fronts.



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