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RE: Magdaleine's Alabaster Atrium - 8/26/2008 7:57:15 AM
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zondie
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Joined: 10/19/2007
From: The Bluegrass State
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quote:
Maggie wrote:
I thought I had heard you say that your son is married, but you also say that he lives at home and you're the one taking care of him so I guess I'm kind of confused. I think it's awesome that they have been married for ten years.
You're right, Maggie. He is married, lives at home and yes, I do take care of him. His wife helped me with his care until she injured her back, about three years ago. So, because of her restrictions, she's limited now, on what she can help with. She can do the 'light' things. Such as... set him up at the computer, take him his food, put his shoes on him, help with bathing & grooming and reaching him stuff (not too heavy) that's out of reach. She's still being treated at the pain clinic. They give her injections in her back (I think it's some steroids, cortisone and maybe pain medicine) and she has to go in once a month for osteopathic therapy. On those days, I take care of her too. Her mom died about 2 years after they got married. She's more of a daughter to me than a daughter-in-law. She's truly a 'God sent'.
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RE: Magdaleine's Alabaster Atrium - 8/26/2008 8:29:32 AM
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magdaleine
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That's awesome, Zondie! It's good that you like her so much, otherwise it could be difficult to have her living with you. She must really appreciate all you do for her. You certainly have your hands full!
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RE: Magdaleine's Alabaster Atrium - 8/26/2008 9:03:03 AM
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magdaleine
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How sad about the home she grew up in. That's cool about how she was watching you and your husband. What a great example you were to her and a source of hope as well. I'm so glad you all have each other. What a win-win situation! (Though I can't imagine having any of my kids and their wives living with us even though I get along well with all the boys.)
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RE: Magdaleine's Alabaster Atrium - 8/26/2008 9:20:45 AM
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magdaleine
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Yeah. That's got to be so hard. I don't know if I've talked about this since I've seen you here in CW and my thread. My cousin's son was in a car accident two years ago or so and got hit by not one but two semis. He's now quadriplegic. He was in his early 30s when it happened but never married and living with his brother, also never married. In God's amazing economy, the uninjured brother is an occupational therapist and is using his skills to help his brother, who still lives with him, to hopefully regain some function. I guess California has paved hiking trails because the two of them often go hiking in the mountains--the one in his electric wheelchair. Amazing.
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RE: Magdaleine's Alabaster Atrium - 8/26/2008 9:34:54 AM
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zondie
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From: The Bluegrass State
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Sorry to hear about that. The doctors told us that whatever functions that returned within the first 2 years, would be all we could expect him to ever get back. But in his case, they were wrong. They evidently underestimated what God can do!!! I hope the hiking helps with his strength. If nothing else, it'll help his mental health. That's one loving and devoted brother he's got there. I'll be praying for them both.
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RE: Magdaleine's Alabaster Atrium - 8/26/2008 9:44:57 AM
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magdaleine
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So your son continues to regain some function? I know my cousin and her sons are hopeful that her son will regain some function. They say he has already--more than what the hospital and rehab thought possible, though I don't think it's all that much yet. But I'm thinking that any small improvement would be a HUGE encouragement.
Thank you for your prayers.
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RE: Magdaleine's Alabaster Atrium - 8/26/2008 10:06:06 AM
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zondie
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His wrists use to flop when he would turn his arms over or up and down. Now he has use of both wrists. Also, he can move both thumbs a little. One more than the other. But the biggest improvements are complicated for me to explain. Most people just see what's on the outside that "don't" work. But there are certain muscles on the inside that are of great importance that normally we don't give a second thought to. They are a big part of why our bodies can function the way they do. Lungs, heart, bladder, bowels and diaphragm. He has gotten strength to some of these important muscles that are vital, to keep him stable enough to continue on in life with this disability. Things can go wrong; and quickly! His most weakest point is the inability to cough. I pretty much have to do a Heimlich maneuver on him when he gets a cold or God forbid, the flu. I've actually bruised him before by doing this procedure because he would ask me to repeat it so often. It's tougher for these people who have to live a life as a quad than most people realize.
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RE: Magdaleine's Alabaster Atrium - 8/26/2008 10:25:42 AM
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magdaleine
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wow! It never occurred to me that they could have such problems but of course it makes sense.
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Maggie
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RE: Magdaleine's Alabaster Atrium - 8/26/2008 12:22:10 PM
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cherish405
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Zondie, I'm so glad you get on so well with your dil.
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RE: Magdaleine's Alabaster Atrium - 8/26/2008 12:42:16 PM
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leah777
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That is amazing, Zondie. I too had never thought about all those muscles being affected, but yeah, they certainly would be. Our body is a mass of muscles, and I guess none of us think much about how we rely on them.
Amazing too that he's found such a devoted wife that has been such a blessing to all of you -- and you to her! God is good. Like Maggie's cousins . . such tender devotion for a brother to have for his sibling, and that he's a physical therapist who knows all the best ways to help his sibling -- wow! Amazing grace in action, isn't it.
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RE: Magdaleine's Alabaster Atrium - 8/26/2008 3:18:55 PM
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Pengie
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I'm with you, Leah. Both Zondie's son and Maggie's cousin are amazing people! As are the loving folks who care for them. Such inspiring stories!
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RE: Magdaleine's Alabaster Atrium - 8/26/2008 3:54:21 PM
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zondie
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Thanks, for the kind words ladies. I know they come from compassionate hearts! A lot of people don't realize all the difficulties that come with being paralyzed. I never did, before. You see someone in a wheelchair and you think their only problem is that they can't walk. But I've learned different!
There's so much more it involves.
So, instead of looking 'over' them as I use to (not wanting to make them feel even more uncomfortable), I now look them in the eye while smiling and saying hello. I'll even offer to help them with something, if I see them needing it. And sometimes they'll accept the help and sometimes you may get a scouring refusal for any assistance. That's o.k. too, because now I realize that if anyone has reason enough to be bitter...it would be these people! I've learned just what brave people they really are! And how they need to know that they're still very valuable and accepted in our society! That disabled body, doesn't make them any less of a person. And we should try our BEST not to make them feel like they are; by looking the other way. WE LIVE...WE LEARN!!! Bless God!!!
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RE: Magdaleine's Alabaster Atrium - 8/26/2008 5:49:03 PM
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magdaleine
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Hear! Hear!
I think another group that gets terribly misaligned are severe burn victims. In another thread at CW someone reported about a friend's husband who was severely burned by high voltage wires while working and fell a great distance in the process--just a few days ago. My observation is that people can't get past the ugliness of faces marred by burns to realize the person inside is still the same.
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Maggie
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RE: Magdaleine's Alabaster Atrium - 8/26/2008 9:05:51 PM
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magdaleine
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That's a hard one, Pengie! I think, in the end, however, you develop her trust by being consistent in not allowing her to do things that could harm her. I would take a very matter-of-fact stance, be up front about what's wrong about what she's doing, what the dangers are and, if you have examples from your own life or from those of close friends, share them with her. What's key is to not plead or wheedle because you lose all authority. Tell her the rules, tell her the consequences for breaking the rules (something reasonable that you are willing to carry through with--and do at the first infraction) and then leave it with her. The leaving with her is the hard part but in the end, she has to make her own decision to obey or not to obey. Her decision determines what you will do. The cards are laid clearly on the table and there is no misunderstanding.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{Pengie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
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Maggie
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RE: Magdaleine's Alabaster Atrium - 8/27/2008 8:24:15 AM
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Doveflight
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Pengie, I feel such pressure put on myself to see that my daughter 'gets it' now. I know she is only 9 but there are basic life skills she is not learning and I want to drill them into her now while I am here for her. The limited time due to my health, compounds the responsibilitiy all parents feel to teach their children important lessons. I have decided this week, after meltdown in a conflict with her, that I can only do my very best, I can't make her understand or learn. The urgency I am feeling is ruining what interaction we do have. I have to trust she'll 'get it' in time or if not, there is likely not a way I could have avoided it even if I were to live into her adult hood. It is very hard to feel so intensely about someone we love deeply yet let go. I encourage you, too, to do what your energy and wisdom allows for now and to try to let it go.
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RE: Magdaleine's Alabaster Atrium - 8/27/2008 8:25:41 AM
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Doveflight
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quote:
I would take a very matter-of-fact stance, be up front about what's wrong about what she's doing, what the dangers are and, if you have examples from your own life or from those of close friends, share them with her. What's key is to not plead or wheedle because you lose all authority
Pengie, maggie has a good point. It is the emotion laden into our interaction that defeats the purpose of the message. A matter of fact stance is oh so hard to maintain though.
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If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I am made for another world. C.S. Lewis
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RE: Magdaleine's Alabaster Atrium - 8/27/2008 8:53:49 AM
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magdaleine
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Dove, I'm so glad you posted. I was beginninng to miss you and wonder if you're okay. It's really hard to not let our emotions rule our interactions with our children. I can understand your sense of urgency with your daughter, I think (at least with my head), but there is no way that you can cram a full life of parenting into a few short years. I can't imagine the fear you must feel at times that you don't have enough time to teach her all she needs to know. The Catholics used to have a saying (may still have it): Give me a child till she is seven and I'll give you that child for life.
What is it that she needs to know most of all? That God loves her so much that he is with her even when she can't feel his presence. That she can go to her Father in heaven with every question and every problem and he will help her. This knowledge and understanding will serve her through anything she has to go through in life without you. Learning to listen to God, to heed what she hears and to follow through will keep her connected to a Parent who will advise and lead her in all the little nitty-gritty parts of life--as a teenager discovering her sexuality and identity, as a young woman choosing a career and a husband, as a young mother knowing how to raise her own children.
From what I know of you, Dove, you have been teaching her these things and teaching them to her from birth. I encourage you to relax and trust God's ability to parent her when you are gone and for you to enjoy her and allow her to enjoy you while you are still here.
{{{{{{{{{{{Dove}}}}}}}}}}}}}
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Maggie
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RE: Magdaleine's Alabaster Atrium - 8/27/2008 11:35:20 AM
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Pengie
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quote:
I would take a very matter-of-fact stance, be up front about what's wrong about what she's doing, what the dangers are and, if you have examples from your own life or from those of close friends, share them with her. What's key is to not plead or wheedle because you lose all authority.
Maggie, you are a wise lady indeed! Thank you for such grounded advice.
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RE: Magdaleine's Alabaster Atrium - 8/27/2008 2:18:11 PM
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magdaleine
Posts: 5159
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Thank you, Pengie.
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Maggie
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RE: Magdaleine's Alabaster Atrium - 8/27/2008 5:22:20 PM
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Doveflight
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Hi Maggie,
I've been lurking, just not posting. Am preparing for a trip to the shore this weekend with the chidlren, so getting things done and they are starting school this week as well. trying to find a
new lawyer for the divorce proceedings. My lawyer had not been hired with that in mind and I need to find someone who will keep me informed help me make the best decisions. I realized today too that i can't make decisions based on just what I will need for the children, but anticipate the children will not be with husband after I am gone, and negotiate his cover of expenses even under those circumstances to help the chosen guardian provide for them.
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If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I am made for another world. C.S. Lewis
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RE: Magdaleine's Alabaster Atrium - 8/27/2008 5:31:39 PM
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magdaleine
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Oh! A trip to the shore sounds wonderful! I'm so glad you have the strength to do that. I do hope you and them have a wonderful, wonderful time. I hope too that you can find a suitable lawyer for the divorce. I will pray about that. {{{{{{Dove}}}}}}
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Maggie
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I think we need them as much as they need us. I've never desired an 'empty nest'. (Maybe later in life. Who knows?) And yes, she expresses her appreciation and love continually! She's a sweetie. 
Too bad that his wings got clipped. He was a dependable and loyal teenage working kid, until the accident.
I don't want t damage my communication level that I have with her, but I have to be a mother to her and protect her from herself, too. A very delicate balance. How to maintain authority and still keep her trust?
