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RE: need advice please - 11/12/2008 9:42:19 PM
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zoeagape
Posts: 8
Joined: 2/28/2008
Status: offline
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It's November...Last time I posted was in March. I appreciate everyone's advice. I mulled over it and prayed over it...I felt no guidance going either way with regards to what I should do or say. My husband hasn't spoken to his mother about the adultery, neither have I. We have continued on as if nothing has happened. In part, putting his mother's adultery in the back of our minds was good for our relationship's sake. We needed to change focus as I was constantly feeling bad because these problems were consuming me. We started attending another church during the week, but we are still deeply involved with the church his parents pastor.
I feel horrible because recently I was approached by another member of the church (who will be called Rosie) who told me she found out the pastor's wife committed adultery. She shared with me how much it hurt her when she found out and how she can't stand being near her at church.Rosie's husband is the pastor's nephew. Both she and her husband know about the adultery, and according to her, so do others. They are choosing however to stay at the church.
I only listened. I didn't tell her I had known this for 2 years now and have done nothing. I feel angry at myself for not taking any action...but at the same time daily question whether I should. Rosie seems to think I should do something, as i am the pastor's daugther in law and "future heir" to the pastorship (see OP; I say this with dripping sarcasm as I believe God should be the one calling my husband and I and not his parents (the pastors)).
This weekend, Rosie's husband (teh pastor's nephew, my husband's cousin) approached me in the stairwell and asked if he could speak with me privately about this whole situation. He asked if we could speak over the phone. He explained how he didn't want to cause any problems, but that the entire ordeal has hurt him and he doesn't know if he should speak to his uncle (the pastor) or not. He was teary eyed the entire time. My Husband and I are very close to Rosie and her husband, so it hurts me to see them suffer, and I can completely relate to their pain as I have been and in part am still going through it.
Finally, I'm concerned that my husband seems to have fared the best out of all of us thus far. Should I be concerned? He treats his mom the same as always, he gets silent when I talk to him about this. He thinks we should just stay out of it.
Please anyone, what should I do?
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RE: need advice please - 11/13/2008 8:21:09 AM
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DeeAnnBailey
Posts: 2638
Joined: 3/23/2006
From: SC
Status: offline
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Does your husband realize that others now know and this is hurting the church and his own family? I understand his reaction in a way - it's the 'if I don't look at the monster it can't see me'. But this is about more than the relationship between he and his family. This is a church, it is important this be handled according to God's word and in a loving manner.
I will never forget a few years ago two situations that happened that involved pastors and their children. In one case the pastor and his wife first tried to cover the sin of the young man (he was very active in the church at the time), then they tried to justify the sin, then they condemned those that even mentioned the sin. A church of 800 went to less than half it's size, many people got out of church, they totally lost faith in church and the leaders. The child (really a young adult) stepped up and finally told the parents, 'I did it and I need to apologize to the church. I've done wrong and hurt people. I've asked God to forgive and I want the church to forgive.' Some healing has taken place there but not before many Christians were hurt.
Another church, not far away had a situation where a child (young adult) committed a sin, the pastor (father) first met with him, then he and the son met with the deacons. The young man was asked to step out of his leadership position. He moved to another church for a period for restoration outside of 'prying eyes'. Before he left he apologized to the church for his actions.
The second church didn't have the splits and upsets the first church did. Because it was handled in a Biblical manner. The young man choosing to leave was not asked or pressured to leave but he felt that he could be restored better in a situation where he wasn't reminded of his sin every day.
The woman has not only sinned against God and her family, as a church leader she has sinned against the church. True repentance and restoration is needed.
_____________________________
D. Ann Bailey
My Blog Dee's Delights and Delusions
<<<<<<The love of my life - precious Erin!
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RE: need advice please - 11/13/2008 10:29:58 AM
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csl7037
Posts: 2060
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: offline
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That's good advice and the two scenarios really drive home the importance of handling things like the appropriately. There's just too much at stake when situations like this occur in a church setting. She had (hopefully is not still having) an affair; if she repented and asked the church's forgiveness it really should've been an issue for her dh and her to walk through and, beyond supporting them, shouldn't have been a real issue for the church body at all. By hiding this (her, not you, I'm really not saying it was your place or even your mothers to do any more than you have, I'm not sure)...it's really created a big issue that never should've been and is now affecting the whole church, or soon will be.
As a leader and heir presumptive, as you said, your dh should really step up, insist that your FIL deal with what has happened in his marriage and step out of leadership until he has taken time to get his marriage right before God. Your dh's reluctance or inability to confront him/them on this is understandable on the one hand because they're his parents. But, I also have to wonder (also from one of your comments), if your dh's heart (and yours) is just not feeling a call to shepherd this church. If your dh felt any call of God in that way, I think don't think he'd be able to sit back and let this happen. I think you guys should pray about it and not let yourselves be dragged into a ministry that you're not called to - and not let yourselves be made responsible for a mess that's not yours.
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RE: need advice please - 11/13/2008 7:30:00 PM
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zoeagape
Posts: 8
Joined: 2/28/2008
Status: offline
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Thank you both for your advice. I am aware that this situation needs to be handled, from your comments though it seems like it is my husband's place to take action. However, as I said earlier, he's hesitant to do so and my reminding him to do something only drives a wedge between us.
I agree that we need to pray more about this. I personally do not feel called to lead a church any time in the near future. I enjoy delivering sermons, organizing and planning events, but to pastor a church, particularly this one, is not something I feel compelled to do. My H isn't sure either way. He loves the church, after all it's where he's grown up...but he doesn't like to think about leading it as a pastor...he imagines that's somewhere in the far future.
Again, I appreciate your comments and will share them with him. I think getting your perspectives will be healthy for our discussion.
Thank you!
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