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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 1/29/2008 5:34:57 PM
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captainfraulein
Posts: 579
Joined: 5/2/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: floydette
Like dance4joy, I wouldn't be bothered if my spouse had lunch with a friend of the opposite sex. And, my spouse is not concerned if I have lunch with friends of the opposite sex.
I am somewhat surprised that so many on this thread believe that having lunch with someone of the opposite sex is 1) the appearance of evil and 2) the first step toward adultery. Interesting to read this thread....thanks for sharing.
Why are you surprised? Before I was a Christian, I had close boyfriends. And was cheated on by more than once. I speak from experience...that frequent meetings for lunch/coffee/breakfast etc. can easily slide into something dangerous. Have you not heard the song "Me & Mrs. Jones" by Billy Paul?
Billy Paul lyrics - Me and Mrs. Jones
Me and Mrs.Jones
We got a thing goin'on
We both know that it's wrong
But it's much too strong
To let it go now
We meet every day at the same cafe
Six-thirty and no one knows she'll be there
Holding hands, making all kinds of plans
While the juke box plays our favorite songs...
video with song playing in background
_____________________________
"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose." -Jim Elliot
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 1/29/2008 5:52:24 PM
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floydette
Posts: 1087
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redrose,
I think that you hit on an important aspect - "frequent." I agree that hanging out all the time and having frequent alone times with the opposite sex is simply not wise if you are in a committed relationship. That is different that having an occasional lunch - isn't that what the OP is talking about? Occasional? She said they have lunch "every once in awhile." That is different from the frequency you mentioned in your post.
Edit to add: I was not surprised that people have affairs. I was surprised that so many people consider an occasional lunch with an O.S. as an appearance of evil or the first step to an affair. If someone intends to have an affair they will certainly not be bothered by not having a lunch - there are plenty of other ways to get involved in someones life in an inappropriate way.
< Message edited by floydette -- 1/29/2008 6:01:09 PM >
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 1/29/2008 5:58:38 PM
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buckifn
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If I still wanted to have dinner alone with another female other than my wife I shouldn't be married, imo. There is far more reasons NOT to do this than to do it and I don't have time to list them, but I can tell you men and women both need to guard their soul because satan goes about as a roaring lion seeking whom he may desire and if you read any of these threads at all you know cheating spouses causes MANY MANY people to suffer and it isn't just the spouse who was cheated on either.
My philosophy is this- Why risk something beautiful God has given me for something that means little to nothing in comparison? I don't have any female friends who could come close to comparing to my spouse so it would be a non issue for me.
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 1/29/2008 6:04:41 PM
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floydette
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quote:
ORIGINAL: buckifn
If I still wanted to have dinner alone with another female other than my wife I shouldn't be married, imo.
I can see this to be true if it was about having a meal with a female, vs having a meal with a friend, or co-worker, or whomever. There can be (obviously) more to a relationship/friendship etc than the sexual nature of it. My goodness, it seems so freudian! 
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 1/29/2008 6:12:32 PM
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OLEEguacamole
Posts: 1100
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many many affairs happen between people that have no desire, or expectation of having an affair. even intentions NOT to have one.
one must guard their hearts from developing attachments to the opposite gender.
if a spouse is uncomfortable with the lunch situation, that right there is reason not to. the loyalty is supremely owed to the spouse.
re earlier post: flirty is not harmless, from any married person. it is a compromise in the exclusivity of the married relationship.
_____________________________
there's life in a pit.
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 1/29/2008 6:14:54 PM
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floydette
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mrs dash, I agree - if the spouse is uncomfortable with it, then that should be enough. And, absolutely we should all be guarding our hearts. I agree.
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 1/29/2008 6:24:11 PM
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myka
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I wouldn't have a problem with my dh having lunch with a female friend either. He wouldn't have a problem with my having lunch with a male friend either. In the course of our lives, there will be times when we need to meet for discussions with the opposite gender; it is much more "safe" in a public place than in an office or home. We have each been in situations where we felt uncomfortable--and told each other about it.
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 1/29/2008 7:35:54 PM
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floydette
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myka, we do the same - public place and each of us always knows. 
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 1/29/2008 7:43:05 PM
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buckifn
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quote:
ORIGINAL: floydette
quote:
ORIGINAL: buckifn
If I still wanted to have dinner alone with another female other than my wife I shouldn't be married, imo.
I can see this to be true if it was about having a meal with a female, vs having a meal with a friend, or co-worker, or whomever. There can be (obviously) more to a relationship/friendship etc than the sexual nature of it. My goodness, it seems so freudian!
actually my statement has very little to do with sex and a lot to do with being satisfied in marriage and honoring my commitment to my spouse. There is no reason for me to have dinner alone with other females, sex, or otherwise.
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 1/29/2008 7:45:32 PM
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floydette
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So, do you not have friends that are guys that you get together with? If you do, could you explain how that would be different for you?
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 1/29/2008 8:07:13 PM
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mrtigger
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quote:
ORIGINAL: floydette
So, do you not have friends that are guys that you get together with? If you do, could you explain how that would be different for you?
I know you were asking buck but I'll answer too. The difference is that beyond any doubt, I will feel no romantic attraction at all to a guy friend nor any temptation to have sex with him. That is even true for most female friends too but there is a potential for trouble with women that does not exist at all with guy friends.
But that is so obvious that I'm sure you knew that already. So what is the point you are trying to make?
_____________________________
mr tigger
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 1/29/2008 8:10:07 PM
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karlie
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From: Central California
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The problem with this is that many, many attractions and attachments begin when people spend time alone together who are no more than friends or acquaintances to begin with. Where do people think the phrase "we didn't mean for this to happen" comes from? It happens because people gave place and time for satan to do his work. He can't do it unless we place ourselves in a position for it to happen. There isn't one person I knew of personally who has either had an affair or been the victim of one that it didn't start by something innocent like co-worker lunches, work-out partners, or just a friend to talk to and catch up with. Rarely does a person decide to go out and look for someone to have an affair with...they most always happen when people form unexpected attachments and attractions to someone because of time and opportunity.
My husband and I have many friends of the opposite sex, however we do not spend time alone with them. If I see my male friends socially, it's because we are seeing them as a couple and vice versa with him seeing female friends. It has nothing to do with trust issues either. My husband and I trust each other implicitly. But, we also are not stupid enough to assume the other is super-human or above temptation. We have chosen to build a hedge around our marriage so that it is much, much harder for anything to ever even get started. There is simply no reason for either of us to go out with opposite sex friends alone...why not ask them to come with if it's so innocent? There is not one thing I would say to a male friend that I couldn't with my husband there, so why should I even want or need to see them alone?
Marriages are under attack, and even the most stable and faithful of spouses are going to be tempted by satan. Why help him out and give time and place for him to work?
_____________________________
1 day of coal...364 days of fun. I'll take my chances!
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 1/29/2008 8:14:12 PM
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floydette
Posts: 1087
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quote:
ORIGINAL: mrtigger
quote:
ORIGINAL: floydette
So, do you not have friends that are guys that you get together with? If you do, could you explain how that would be different for you?
I know you were asking buck but I'll answer too. The difference is that beyond any doubt, I will feel no romantic attraction at all to a guy friend nor any temptation to have sex with him. That is even true for most female friends too but there is a potential for trouble with women that does not exist at all with guy friends.
But that is so obvious that I'm sure you knew that already. So what is the point you are trying to make?
Well, yes that is what I figured. However buck said that sex had little to do with it. I am trying to understand if the attraction part is not part of the concern, then why the issue? I certainly understand if there is an attraction.
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 1/29/2008 8:23:54 PM
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OLEEguacamole
Posts: 1100
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a male/female may have a relationship that doesn't have anything to do with sex but still has the potential to develop that direction.
it's not just an issue of character or satan, but of emotional and physical biology.
_____________________________
there's life in a pit.
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 1/30/2008 2:23:28 AM
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floydette
Posts: 1087
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quote:
ORIGINAL: mrsdash
it's not just an issue of character or satan, but of emotional and physical biology.
mrsdash, you make it sound like there is no choice...it is just the way we are made. Somehow in all of this, folks seem to forget there is 'choice'.
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 1/30/2008 3:02:29 AM
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OLEEguacamole
Posts: 1100
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no i am saying that there are things that influence the desire. and often we are wise to avoid the danger zones before we feel the PULL toward it.
_____________________________
there's life in a pit.
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 1/30/2008 1:58:15 PM
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sallybirchwood
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A few years ago my sister had an emotional affair with a man she worked with that came very close to a physical affair before it ended. He was just a “friend” from work. She started with a few lunches and than daytime business calls with him. She admits now that if you are alone with someone, business talk will turn into sharing personal information. If you think about it, once we became attracted to our spouses, personal time became times to share personal information, dreams of the future etc. This helps the attraction grow. Her friend from work became someone to lean on. My sister admits that if he had not come on to her so fast physically, she would have eventually slept with him. It has taken a long time for my sister’s husband to trust her around men again. Can a husband have female friends or a wife have male friends? I think it is a potential problem in the works.
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 1/30/2008 3:42:19 PM
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myka
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You can't share "personal information" either? What does that include?
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 1/30/2008 5:05:45 PM
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buckifn
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Yes, I have friends, but they are almost always married couples that my wife and I hang out with together, and mostly couples from our church. I don't go out to dinner with 1 friend alone, male or female. Mostly because I don't have the time or feel a need for that. When in my twenties yes I hung out at the gym lots of mornings with the guys before work and on Sat. Now, my priorities in life are different. My free time is usually spent with my family, or church family and church related ministries and I am fully satisfied with that.
I just don't have a lot of friends who are single...but I guess that happens after you reach 40 and are happily married, at least it is that way for us.
My wife is my best friend so almost everything we do in our free time we do together or with another couple.
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 1/30/2008 5:32:29 PM
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MrsLavender
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I think it depends on what your definition of friends is. Is it a woman that he know from work that he is friendly with and is social only at work? I don't have a problem with that. Going to lunch alone with her - I would have a problem with.
I work with a couple of men and I would say that we are friends. I would never meet the alone though. We socialize only at work or at group dinner or group party. My husband has no problem with this.
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www.simplyheartandhome.com
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 1/31/2008 11:36:42 AM
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moselfn
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My husband has a female friend from college who lives in different state in his hometown. I don't like the fact that she is "his" friend. I met her when we visited his home prior to getting married; she even came to our wedding. After looking through his cell phone a few months ago, I found out they communicate regularly. They communicate more often that I thought via text messages, cell phone, and email. She never calls my house nor does he call her from home. I told him that I am not comfortable with their private friendship. In December he told her how I felt, then for the first time she sends us a Christmas card. I feel like my husband doesn't consider my feelings and he feels like I’m reacting out of insecurities. I continue to ask God to deal with his heart about such relationships. He thinks the friendship is okay because they're "just fiends."
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 1/31/2008 6:54:53 PM
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captainfraulein
Posts: 579
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quote:
ORIGINAL: moselfn
My husband has a female friend from college who lives in different state in his hometown. I don't like the fact that she is "his" friend. I met her when we visited his home prior to getting married; she even came to our wedding. After looking through his cell phone a few months ago, I found out they communicate regularly. They communicate more often that I thought via text messages, cell phone, and email. She never calls my house nor does he call her from home. I told him that I am not comfortable with their private friendship. In December he told her how I felt, then for the first time she sends us a Christmas card. I feel like my husband doesn't consider my feelings and he feels like I’m reacting out of insecurities. I continue to ask God to deal with his heart about such relationships. He thinks the friendship is okay because they're "just fiends."
I have never been married but I have had the experience of at least 3 of ex-bfs having this kind of relationshp with an ex-gf. Before I knew Christ, I had one bf had an ex-gf who was married. She and him would have lunch. She sent cards ... even one on Valentine's Day signed "Love, [her name]". She ended up coming around so much that she ended up in an affair with that particular bf's boss! That is how much she started coming around! This happened when he and I went to Canada for a vacation and he was gone for awhile...no cell phones then or e-mail. She panicked, came around looking for him and enticed his boss. Said bf and I had fights abut her. He would get very angry at me for my "insecurity". He still got mad if I pointed out how hot to trot she was. His whole work blamed him for this and was absolutely disgusted by her. She would bring her baby boy with her while out on adulterous trips with my bf's boss including their company Xmas party! Pretty horrible for me when my friend died that year and I went with said bf to his Xmas party to be cheered up...only to be confronted with this mess and unable to process it or deal with his coworkers' comments. (Somehow they thought I should "say something" to him when I had! And he would get IRATE! So I stopped but that is neither here nor there...just shows you things are never the way they appear sometimes).
The next ex-bf to have this type of arrangement was a guy I lived with for 8 months. He would in secret give money to his ex-gf. She was not interested in getting back with him and she played him like the fool he was...taking money. I found out when I snooped and read his diary. This and other factors led to our break-up which got me to finally step out and accept Christ back in 1997!
After accepting Christ into my life, my first Christian bf, a deacon, had a "great mature" relationship with his ex-gf, a missionary. Somebody who grew up raised in the church from a great Christian family. She and this bf would go to coffee together, baseball games. They never did anything but it ruined out relationship with her eventual confrontation with me (at a lunch where she later got admonished by a lady in their church). After the public drama was made, that deacon bf got embarrassed and cut off communication with that missionary ex-gf who cried on the phone when he did so. He went on to marry after our break-up. I like to think I helped out his wife, who is my sister in Christ, by him having her out of his life!
My point, people only act like this...when they have something to hide. When they are prideful, putting their own feelings before yours. Ignoring the growing feelings they have with this ex.
I think your husband is getting something from this relationship that he is not getting from you. She is sharing in his life in a way that you are not. He is being childish and selfish. Deep down I think he knows this. That is why he acts so defensive.
Since people are hard to reach when they are in this state of rebellion, I will just pray. I don't know the complete answer but I do acknowledge that Houston, we have a problem. And I know Our God hears our prayers.
< Message edited by redwhiterose -- 1/31/2008 7:05:42 PM >
_____________________________
"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose." -Jim Elliot
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 2/1/2008 10:58:44 AM
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moselfn
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Thank you for responding to my post and for your encouragement. I do feel she is giving him something I'm not, and it makes me feel like I'm failing. I’m trying to become the wife that he needs me to be and asking God to help me daily to walk in love with him. I refuse to try to compete with her. My husband can be a nostalgic and at times rebels against moving forward and be responsible for a family. The first time I met her, I observed that they are comfortable around each other. Their conversation however was a bit juvenile; they talked about meeting celebrities, and old friends and times from college. On one of the text messages I read, they talked about the football game. My husband is an only child and is a loner. He doesn’t have a close relationship with his parents. He has two buddies, the mentioned female friend and a guy he's been friends with since they were toddlers. He interacts with both friends the same: talking about the past and sports. Recognizing his love for football, I’ve taken an interest in watching them. He actually enjoys watching the games with me. Again, I’m not trying to compete with his friends, but willing to do what I can to help us have fun. I like to have fun and have a good sense of humor but I know the importance of growing up and moving forward in God. During my prayer time, God told me that we need to have fun like we did when we were dating. From two months before we got married almost 6 years ago to a few weeks ago, most of the time we were stressed with something (preparing for a wedding, buying a home two weeks after the wedding, my husband was laid off a month after that, trying to blend with our children from previous relationships, finances, and adjusting as a couple.) We stopped making time for us. We are spending more time together now and is enjoying it. We didn't go on a honeymoon, so we are praying our finances will allow us to go away for our anniversary in March. I am still not comfortable that he communicates with his female friend, but I am more concerned with our marriage. As we continue to connect and have fun regularly, I pray he will embrace the present. I know God is for our marriage so I know it will be successful. 
< Message edited by moselfn -- 2/1/2008 12:10:09 PM >
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