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Can a Husband have female friends???? - 1/27/2008 11:18:02 PM
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MariaOKC
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Here is the situation. My husband Edgar and I have been married for almost 4 years. We have a female (married) friend in common named Laura. My husband and I have gone out with with her before as a group but recently she and my husband have gone to lunch alone. They get along very well and would like to keep going to lunches together every once in a while. I was okay with this because I trust my husband. However, my husband and I recently took her and her husband out and found out that she does not let her husband have female friends at all. If she feels it's wrong for her husband to go out with his female friends, then why is it okay for her to go out with my husband? I feel she is not being completely honest and doesn't really believe that friends of the opposite sex can be just friends. Should I allow my husband to continue having lunches with Laura? My husband says that they are just friends and she is not interested in nothing more than just friendship. He thinks that I should not be concerned about the rules she has with her husband because we don't know the reasons she has for not letting him go out. with female friends. Am I over-reacting? or should I put an end to this? I'm not jealous at all over this. I just don't think I can trust in a person who appears to be a hippocrite. My husband doesn't have alot of friends and really likes this person as a friend. What should I do? Any responses appreciated!! --Maria
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 1/28/2008 12:07:45 AM
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mbgb
Posts: 250
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I personally think that would be odd if my husband wanted to hang out with a female friend on his own. I know how I would react, I'd probably allow it maybe once in a blue moon, but more than that, I would just get a little weirded out about it.
I think the Godly thing to do would be to explain to him your reasoning for your fears, as well as why it is that you would like to trust him. Then let him make his own choices. From there you'd just have to trust him. But I'm no expert on this subject. There's also nothing wrong, I think, with asking him to not go to lunch with this woman if it really bothers you though.
That's just my opinion.
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 1/28/2008 12:25:30 AM
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SkillfullGourmet
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My husband has a couple female friends who he talks to on the phone once a month or so -- I'm usually at home when he's on the phone with him, it's nothing secretive or iffy, just "catching up" type conversations. I wouldn't care for it if he was regularly getting together with a female friend without me. Almost all of our friends are OUR friends. But if I was busy and he had lunch with a female friend this wouldn't bother me at all. HOWEVER, I would be really concerned hearing this woman's "rule" -- I would strongly consider the possibility that she does not see it as an innocent situation if she would not allow her own husband to be in the same situation! I would expect my husband to respect my concern about it and not have lunch alone with her anymore.
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 1/28/2008 12:58:30 AM
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Hislittleone
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My husband and I have a rule that neither of us can have friends of the opposite sex. A man and woman being "just friends" is how most affairs start. It just leaves a door open making it easier to begin sharing emotional intimacy in conversation with one who is not your spouse (emotional affair) and that sometimes leads to a full blown physical affair. I would be on guard in this situation. Better to be safe than sorry when it comes to something this serious.
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 1/28/2008 9:11:56 AM
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VincentGrayson
Posts: 98
Joined: 5/18/2007
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A good number of my close friends are women, and although my wife is friends with them as well, usually time spent together doesn't involve her (much as when she sees her friends I'm usually not there, which just kinda comes with the territory of having kids, I suppose). We've never had any problems with it, but of course that can vary from person to person.
If Laura is a mutual friend, have you tried talking to her about this? Perhaps voice your concern over the double standard she seems to be employing, and explain why it makes you a little uneasy?
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 1/28/2008 12:17:50 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1896
Joined: 9/26/2007
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My husband and I have an agreement that:
1) neither of us is ever alone with a person of the opposite sex (not from
mistrust but for not being stupid and avoiding the appearance of evil)
2) if we ever find ourselves stuck in a situation or know we'll be stuck in a
situation of being alone with a person of the opposite sex, we give each
other the head's up and make sure the mate is fine with this (or we find
a way out of it).
So when one of my husband's two female co-workers quit, he took both of them out to lunch, but he made sure I knew about it and was OK with it.
It's respectful, and it sends me the message that my husband loves me enough to protect our relationship. Hedges.
And he doesn't have female friends who are not my friends. He has lots of acquaintances, but not friends. He is chummy with his female boss (who lives 1500 miles away) but he made sure I am in that loop, too.
Side issue: In our evil world, sometimes faithful married people become targets and even a challenge. I remember when Billy Graham was in Russia, they put a woman next to him who was wearing only a coat. A photographer was stationed there to take a blackmail picture as soon as she dropped the coat. Somehow Billy got wind of the situation and ducked away. God's grace.
Now that's not the same as having a married guy having a female friend, but in the words of a non-Christian high-ranking government employee who had seen it all: "There's no point in being stupid."
I hope this helps; I've kind of rambled. And yes, Laura's double standard is a red flag.
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 1/28/2008 12:33:23 PM
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RJP
Posts: 10
Joined: 1/16/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: deermousie
My husband and I have an agreement that:
1) neither of us is ever alone with a person of the opposite sex (not from
mistrust but for not being stupid and avoiding the appearance of evil)
2) if we ever find ourselves stuck in a situation or know we'll be stuck in a
situation of being alone with a person of the opposite sex, we give each
other the head's up and make sure the mate is fine with this (or we find
a way out of it).
So when one of my husband's two female co-workers quit, he took both of them out to lunch, but he made sure I knew about it and was OK with it.
It's respectful, and it sends me the message that my husband loves me enough to protect our relationship. Hedges.
And he doesn't have female friends who are not my friends. He has lots of acquaintances, but not friends. He is chummy with his female boss (who lives 1500 miles away) but he made sure I am in that loop, too.
Side issue: In our evil world, sometimes faithful married people become targets and even a challenge. I remember when Billy Graham was in Russia, they put a woman next to him who was wearing only a coat. A photographer was stationed there to take a blackmail picture as soon as she dropped the coat. Somehow Billy got wind of the situation and ducked away. God's grace.
Now that's not the same as having a married guy having a female friend, but in the words of a non-Christian high-ranking government employee who had seen it all: "There's no point in being stupid."
I hope this helps; I've kind of rambled. And yes, Laura's double standard is a red flag.
I agree with what deermousie said. There is a big danger of being "inched" along in a relationship. At some point they probably will discuss what is going on with their lives, which can lead to an "emotional" relationship, whcih can lead to physical longing. As a married man, I would day to your husband to avoid this. It is extremely dangerous. It is easy to get on the "sin elevator", where each step goes a little higher, and tough to get off and even tougher as one goes up.
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 1/28/2008 12:58:33 PM
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manda59
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How come they went out to lunch alone in the first place? Where were you at the time? Which one of them suggested it?
_____________________________
"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 1/28/2008 1:25:20 PM
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Sideways
Posts: 3720
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My husband has a female friend he sees every now and then, but he has made an effort to introduce the two of us, and encourage us to become friends as well. She's a nice gal, and I like her. They had lunch together every now and then when they both worked at the same campus, but he always told me about the lunches. I have no reason to be concerned; unfaithfulness is completely beyond his character.
BTW, my husband's friend is in a serious dating relationship, so I don't think she's looking for anything beyond friendship with my dH. Since she took a new job, we only see her as a couple, dH and she don't go out to eat alone anymore.
But the double standard with this girl does puzzle me. If there are any problems with Laura's marriage, then that could spell trouble, as she may be looking elsewhere for emotional intimacy.
Why do they want to eat out alone? Do they work together or something?
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 1/28/2008 2:49:51 PM
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Ps103
Posts: 11690
Joined: 4/16/2005
From: Here, now
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quote:
However, my husband and I recently took her and her husband out and found out that she does not let her husband have female friends at all. If she feels it's wrong for her husband to go out with his female friends, then why is it okay for her to go out with my husband?
Sauce for the gander is sauce for the goose.
Why does she have this double standard?
ETA: I don't think she should be going out ot lunch alone with your husband.
_____________________________
Fasten your seatbelts...it's going to be a bumpy night.
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 1/28/2008 7:20:44 PM
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QueenBrownShuga
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The enemy can use this as a set up. So it really has nothing to do with trusting your husband. Just like Deermousie said.
So, IMO she should not be going to lunch with with your husband at anytime for any reason.
_____________________________
Don't get it twisted cuz I'm free to be...free to be ME!
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 1/28/2008 7:35:58 PM
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momma07
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Perhaps your husbands friend won't let her husband have female friends becasue maybe he has done something that she doesn't trust him all that much anymore. Having said that she should reinforce that rule with following it herself. After all what is good for the goose is good for the gander. It sounds like you may not be as comfortable with these lunch outings as she is. Thats perfectly OK. Personally, I wouldn't feed the meat to the lion. Even if its not an issue of trust you have for your husband, why give another woman the opportunity to tempt him? Better safe than sorry.
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 1/28/2008 7:51:29 PM
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mrtigger
Posts: 300
Joined: 4/12/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: MariaOKC
Here is the situation. My husband Edgar and I have been married for almost 4 years. We have a female (married) friend in common named Laura. My husband and I have gone out with with her before as a group but recently she and my husband have gone to lunch alone. They get along very well and would like to keep going to lunches together every once in a while. I was okay with this because I trust my husband. However, my husband and I recently took her and her husband out and found out that she does not let her husband have female friends at all. If she feels it's wrong for her husband to go out with his female friends, then why is it okay for her to go out with my husband? I feel she is not being completely honest and doesn't really believe that friends of the opposite sex can be just friends. Should I allow my husband to continue having lunches with Laura? My husband says that they are just friends and she is not interested in nothing more than just friendship. He thinks that I should not be concerned about the rules she has with her husband because we don't know the reasons she has for not letting him go out. with female friends. Am I over-reacting? or should I put an end to this? I'm not jealous at all over this. I just don't think I can trust in a person who appears to be a hippocrite. My husband doesn't have alot of friends and really likes this person as a friend. What should I do? Any responses appreciated!! --Maria
Short answer, I think it is reasonable for you to object to him going 1 on 1 to lunch (or anything) with her or other women. Not doing anything 1 on 1 with the opposite sex is a common, and I think wise, boundary. Have a chat and tell him your concern. Be prepared that he might not like it though...
When I was newly married, I had poor boundaries and thought doing pretty much anything with women was ok as long as it didn't get physical. I went out with women friends for lunch, got a little flirty, etc. and and nothing really bad ever happened. But some minor situations arose and I realized if I kept it up, I would eventually wind up in an affair. So I wised up and quit while I was ahead. Some people seem to be able to safely be friendly, even to the point of flirting, with the opposite sex but I'm not one of them and I think for most married people, opposite sex friendships are not worth the risk.
_____________________________
mr tigger
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 1/28/2008 9:35:33 PM
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RichNay
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first off we both think that the double standard is a HUGE red flag. there is definately something not right about that.
also, in regards to our marriage we make sure that we are not alone with a member of the opposite sex EVER. this is a NOT trust issue, it is avoiding the appearance and possibility of sin, or someone who could be looking to sow strife. what if this woman (or someone else) lied and said they were having an affair.... wouldn't that damage your relationship by sowing the seeds of doubt? (even Shakespeare understood this concept; see Othello)
no matter how strong your relationship i think it is VERY unwise to behave the way the world does; thinking that "it's not my business, it's his life etc..." it is YOUR (as in both) lives together; do your best to let it last forever!
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 1/28/2008 9:47:14 PM
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Sideways
Posts: 3720
Joined: 4/12/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: RichNay
in regards to our marriage we make sure that we are not alone with a member of the opposite sex EVER. this is a NOT trust issue, it is avoiding the appearance and possibility of sin, or someone who could be looking to sow strife. what if this woman (or someone else) lied and said they were having an affair.... wouldn't that damage your relationship by sowing the seeds of doubt?
If a woman told me that, I'd call her a liar and never look back. So, I guess it really is a trust issue. As far as the appearance of evil - if hubby is having lunch with someone in a public restaurant, no one would talk unless the two were acting improperly - alone having dinner at her house, that's obviously a whole different story.
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 1/28/2008 10:42:07 PM
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RichNay
Posts: 30
Joined: 5/23/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Sideways
quote:
ORIGINAL: RichNay
in regards to our marriage we make sure that we are not alone with a member of the opposite sex EVER. this is a NOT trust issue, it is avoiding the appearance and possibility of sin, or someone who could be looking to sow strife. what if this woman (or someone else) lied and said they were having an affair.... wouldn't that damage your relationship by sowing the seeds of doubt?
If a woman told me that, I'd call her a liar and never look back. So, I guess it really is a trust issue. As far as the appearance of evil - if hubby is having lunch with someone in a public restaurant, no one would talk unless the two were acting improperly - alone having dinner at her house, that's obviously a whole different story.
we would also say she was lying, but things like that have a way of preying on your mind, or spreading and damaging reputations. people of the world will say things, they may not say it to you. but sometimes it ends up like a game of 'telephone' one person mentions quite innnocently that they happened to see 'bob' out for dinner. but somehow it gets twisted into something totally different.  now if you have a strong relationship and heard that you would say"no way, i trust my spouse etc..." but you open yourslf up to doubt. or worse non-believers hear, and they attribute the rumor to all christians or worse Jesus, and well you can take it from there.  do you understand what i'm trying to say? i feel like i am not explaining the best....
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 1/29/2008 2:59:29 AM
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captainfraulein
Posts: 579
Joined: 5/2/2005
From: Planet Earth
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quote:
ORIGINAL: deermousie
My husband and I have an agreement that:
1) neither of us is ever alone with a person of the opposite sex (not from
mistrust but for not being stupid and avoiding the appearance of evil)
2) if we ever find ourselves stuck in a situation or know we'll be stuck in a
situation of being alone with a person of the opposite sex, we give each
other the head's up and make sure the mate is fine with this (or we find
a way out of it).
So when one of my husband's two female co-workers quit, he took both of them out to lunch, but he made sure I knew about it and was OK with it.
It's respectful, and it sends me the message that my husband loves me enough to protect our relationship. Hedges.
And he doesn't have female friends who are not my friends. He has lots of acquaintances, but not friends. He is chummy with his female boss (who lives 1500 miles away) but he made sure I am in that loop, too.
Side issue: In our evil world, sometimes faithful married people become targets and even a challenge. I remember when Billy Graham was in Russia, they put a woman next to him who was wearing only a coat. A photographer was stationed there to take a blackmail picture as soon as she dropped the coat. Somehow Billy got wind of the situation and ducked away. God's grace.
Now that's not the same as having a married guy having a female friend, but in the words of a non-Christian high-ranking government employee who had seen it all: "There's no point in being stupid."
I hope this helps; I've kind of rambled. And yes, Laura's double standard is a red flag.
These are good rules I think. I also wanted to add that Billy Graham also made sure he was NEVER alone with another woman who wasn't his wife. He also had people search the hotel rooms before he would go in there. ONe time, a naked woman was found in his room!
I remember an ex-bf who was a deacon, he went to coffee and baseball with his ex-gf, a missionary, while we were dating. An elder of his church confided in me that "his wife and he were watching them for me and would let me know if anything came up". I mean people were not happy about this and we were only dating!
I would NOT be down with same sex lunch time things unless it was purely business or church stuff (my pastor met with me once for lunch to discuss a guy I was dating at the time...pastor is very married and also used that time to tell me "that guy is NOT for you!").
< Message edited by redwhiterose -- 1/29/2008 3:07:43 AM >
_____________________________
"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose." -Jim Elliot
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 1/29/2008 7:58:15 AM
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all_things_new
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Haven't read all the replies, but what woman(in general) in her right mind would be 'cool' with her hubby eating out ALONE with a another woman? That's just asking for trouble IMHOP!
There's trust, and then there's naive trust.
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 1/29/2008 8:53:02 AM
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Sideways
Posts: 3720
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Pastors often counsel women alone; my FIL is a private CS teacher, and he often tutors teenage girls in his room (but with the door open). Before I became a SAHM, I was often asked to go on business trips with male coworkers - that's several days of being alone with a man not my husband. (And if we still wanted a job, neither me nor the guy was in a position to refuse the trip.)
It's not naive trust. It's simply adults acting like mature, trustworthy people, and millions of people do it every day. Unless we want to act like Sandia Arabia where a man and a woman at McDonald's have to provide proof that they are married before they can be served their burgers.
Billy Graham had to be especially careful, as he was such a public figure, and there were tons of people looking to discredit him.
But as for normal folks? Well, I live in a big city, perhaps small-town, ultra-conservative folks are more bored, and like to gossip. In that case I guess you would have to be more careful, if people had nothing better to do then watch who you were eating your lunch with.
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 1/29/2008 8:53:54 AM
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floydette
Posts: 1087
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: MariaOKC
Here is the situation. My husband Edgar and I have been married for almost 4 years. We have a female (married) friend in common named Laura. My husband and I have gone out with with her before as a group but recently she and my husband have gone to lunch alone. They get along very well and would like to keep going to lunches together every once in a while. I was okay with this because I trust my husband. However, my husband and I recently took her and her husband out and found out that she does not let her husband have female friends at all. If she feels it's wrong for her husband to go out with his female friends, then why is it okay for her to go out with my husband? I feel she is not being completely honest and doesn't really believe that friends of the opposite sex can be just friends. Should I allow my husband to continue having lunches with Laura? My husband says that they are just friends and she is not interested in nothing more than just friendship. He thinks that I should not be concerned about the rules she has with her husband because we don't know the reasons she has for not letting him go out. with female friends. Am I over-reacting? or should I put an end to this? I'm not jealous at all over this. I just don't think I can trust in a person who appears to be a hippocrite. My husband doesn't have alot of friends and really likes this person as a friend. What should I do? Any responses appreciated!! --Maria
Maria, can you and your husband pray about this, and come to agreement in that way? Each situation and each couple can be very different in their areas of temptation, or in their beliefs about "appearance of evil" and all of that. But God can direct you in what is good for your and your husband's relationship. I do not think this kind of decision is as easy as making a blanket, life-long type of rule for one's marriage.
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 1/29/2008 9:31:43 AM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 4205
Joined: 11/6/2007
From: upstate NY
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i would be nervous about my spouse having lunches with a person of the opposite sex. i'm curious why can't you or her husband be a part of lunch. i am friends with my best friend's wife but wouldn't ever make plans to hang out alone, kinda awkward. also your husband sticking up for her should be a red flag. i don't want to be an alarmist but it is possible an emotional attachment is developing and if left unchecked could turn into an emotional affair, etc. pretty much all spouses who have affairs insist the other person is just a friend at first. i don't know how you can stop your husband from having lunch with her. do you go to church - can you ask your pastor about the situation. maybe your pastor could talk to him with you. just an idea.
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 1/29/2008 11:49:03 AM
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logansmommy
Posts: 12
Joined: 1/29/2008
From: NC
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quote:
ORIGINAL: all_things_new
Haven't read all the replies, but what woman(in general) in her right mind would be 'cool' with her hubby eating out ALONE with a another woman? That's just asking for trouble IMHOP!
There's trust, and then there's naive trust.
I agree. I think no matter how much you trust your husband, strong feelings could start between them. Im speaking from expreience!
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 1/29/2008 11:56:20 AM
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dance4joy
Posts: 1704
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: Indiana
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I would not be the least bit nervous about my husband having a casual lunch (or dinner) with a female friend. . .but he's very careful about appearances so I don't think he would do it anyway.
_____________________________
Isn't she a cutie?
<----------------
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 1/29/2008 4:12:35 PM
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Sphyr
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Joined: 5/31/2005
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As a husband, I try to keep my wife's need for security in the front of my decisions. Why would I even risk the appearance of something improper and give her something to worry about?
Satan prowls around like a roaring lion. I don't think it's wise to dangle bait in front of him.
_____________________________
Michael @ Chasing the Wind
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RE: Can a Husband have female friends???? - 1/29/2008 4:34:11 PM
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floydette
Posts: 1087
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Like dance4joy, I wouldn't be bothered if my spouse had lunch with a friend of the opposite sex. And, my spouse is not concerned if I have lunch with friends of the opposite sex.
I am somewhat surprised that so many on this thread believe that having lunch with someone of the opposite sex is 1) the appearance of evil and 2) the first step toward adultery. Interesting to read this thread....thanks for sharing.
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