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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 9/14/2008 6:07:34 PM
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MyCatSmokey2006
Posts: 3144
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
Got Tech Support???
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
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Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
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Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and. Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
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Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
============== =
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah............thank you.
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Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.
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Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7. Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?
Obviously, some people's brains are operating like a computer with no operating system. (or as we used to say, like a computer with no system disk in the disk drive.) 
_____________________________
Melissa
MEOWY CHRISTMAS!
My BLOG!
MY CAT POST!
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 9/14/2008 9:26:18 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8014
Joined: 9/5/2006
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Here’s one to get football season started...
A guy took his blond girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.
Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?”
“Well, in the beginning they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: “Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!”
I’m like...Helloooooo? It’s only 25 cents!!!!
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 9/14/2008 9:30:14 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8014
Joined: 9/5/2006
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Verbal gaffes?
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 9/14/2008 9:50:03 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8014
Joined: 9/5/2006
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The first reference to audio electronics in the Bible is actually in Genesis.
That was when God took a rib from Adam and made a loud speaker.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 9/17/2008 12:19:47 AM
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John_O
Posts: 8014
Joined: 9/5/2006
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COMPUTER PROBLEMS
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk and the macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn the sucker off and be sure to tell your Mom!
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 9/17/2008 2:53:21 AM
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OneOfHisJewels
Posts: 2694
Joined: 8/9/2007
From: California
Status: online
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If you are that funny, you should have a funny avatar.
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Now thank we all our God, with hearts and hands and voices, what wondrous things He's done, in whom the world rejoices.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 9/17/2008 5:10:54 PM
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joy2give2u
Posts: 5127
Joined: 9/19/2006
From: Indiana
Status: offline
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I agree Jewels
_____________________________
Transformation happens NOT when we get through scripture BUT when scripture gets through Us
My Smiles
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 9/17/2008 7:51:43 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8014
Joined: 9/5/2006
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NEED WASHING??
A little girl had been shopping with her Mom in Target. She must have been 6 years old, this beautiful red haired, freckle faced image of innocence. It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow down the spout. We all stood there under the awning and just inside the door of the Target.
We waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up their hurried day. I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I got lost in the sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world. Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child came pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day.
The little voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in “Mom let’s run through the rain,” she said.
“What?” Mom asked.
“Lets run through the rain!” She repeated.
“No, honey. We’ll wait until it slows down a bit,” Mom replied.
This young child waited about another minute and repeated: “Mom, let’s run through the rain,”
“We’ll get soaked if we do,” Mom said.
“No, we won’t, Mom. That’s not what you said this morning,” the young girl said as she tugged at her Mom’s arm.
This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet?
“Don’t you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you said, ‘If God can get us through this, he can get us through anything!”
The entire crowd stopped dead silent. I swear you couldn’t hear anything but the rain. We all stood silently. No one came or left in the next few minutes
Mom paused and thought for a moment about what she would say. Now some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly. Some might even ignore what was said. But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child’s life. A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith.
“Honey, you are absolutely right. Let’s run through the rain. If GOD let’s us get wet, well maybe we just needed washing,” Mom said.
Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as they darted past the cars and yes, through the puddles. They held their shopping bags over their heads just in case. They got soaked.
But they were followed by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars.
And yes, I did. I ran. I got wet. I needed washing.
Circumstances or people can take away your material possessions, they can take away your money, and they can take away your health. But no one can ever take away your precious memories...So, don’t forget to make time and take the opportunities to make memories everyday. To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven.
I HOPE YOU STILL TAKE THE TIME TO RUN THROUGH THE RAIN. (Or the sprinklers)
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 9/17/2008 8:04:06 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8014
Joined: 9/5/2006
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quote:
ORIGINAL: OneOfHisJewels
If you are that funny, you should have a funny avatar.
I have a funny avatar. I use it as my drivers license picture.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 9/18/2008 6:06:03 AM
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broyce1981
Posts: 1893
Joined: 8/8/2006
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I actually had a really great DL picture once. And then it turns out I moved out of state shortly after and had to get a new one. Grrrr....
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 9/19/2008 1:33:39 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8014
Joined: 9/5/2006
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Q. Why does it take so long for pirates to learn the alphabet?
A. Because they can get stuck for years at C
A1. Because they always get stuck at R
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
When good Jedi go bad
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 9/19/2008 1:39:23 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8014
Joined: 9/5/2006
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Would this be Robb and Skreyola?
Nah, they are both far too honest for it.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 9/19/2008 1:40:38 PM
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mutinywxgirl
Posts: 12579
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: west coast of FL
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quote:
ORIGINAL: John_O
Would this be Robb and Skreyola?
Nah, they are both far too honest for it.
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
_____________________________
When blood and water hit the ground.
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down.
We were free and made alive.
The day true love died. The day true love died.
Lisa is happy THE ROWDIES ARE BACK!
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 9/19/2008 2:01:50 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8014
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What would a pirate say if his trees were cold?
Arrrrr, Shiver me timbers!!
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 9/19/2008 2:46:05 PM
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JustJeannie
Posts: 4587
Joined: 6/14/2007
From: the state of confusion
Status: offline
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*GROAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN*
_____________________________
Jeannie
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 9/19/2008 10:06:40 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8014
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quote:
ORIGINAL: JustJeannie
*GROAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN*
Thank you, Thank you. I'll be here all week. Try the veal and remember to tip your waiter!
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 9/19/2008 10:58:09 PM
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kj88il
Posts: 2052
Joined: 3/3/2008
From: IL (NW Central)
Status: offline
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The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot 's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mommy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"
********************************************************************************
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."
********************************************************************************
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"
"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms?"
********************************************************************************
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night. "Yes, sir," the boy replied.
"And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked.
"No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime."
********************************************************************************
_____________________________
Kimberly (aka KJ)
Shifing Gears w/ Kimberly
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 9/24/2008 11:56:03 AM
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John_O
Posts: 8014
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I will admit that I love all the Chuck Norrisms floating around out there. With all due respect for Chuck Norris, and I believe the right-leaning actor will agree, it's time for some Sarah Palinisms. After all Sarah Palin's legend has grown faster than Davey Crockett's after the Alamo. So let's look at some of these.
* Before the Boogie-Man goes to bed, he checks under his bed and in his closet for Sarah Palin.
* Sarah Palin is the reason a compass points North.
* Confucius say, "Sarah Palin know true age of Chinese gymnasts."
* The moose population in Alaska is at an all time high because Sarah Palin is out on the campaign trail.
* Sarah Palin is the reason for the Great Northern Lights.
* When Sarah Palin turns off her bedroom light to go to bed at night, all of Russia collectively exhales.
(I love this one!!)
* Sarah Palin gives Warren Buffet investing tips.
* Sarah Palin knows if Elvis is truly dead.
* Sarah Palin could change a diaper with one hand and field-dress Barack Obama with the other.
* Sarah Palin keeps her eyes open when she sneezes.
* Sarah Palin knows which came first the chicken or the egg.
* Sarah Palin can find good in Michael Moore and Nancy Pelosi.
(I don't believe this one at all)
* It takes Sarah Palin 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
* Sarah Palin can eat just one Lays Potato Chip.
* Sarah Palin doesn't need a foreign policy plan, just access to her rifle and buck-knife when meeting with foreign leaders.
* Sarah Palin can divide by zero.
* As a child Sarah Palin ended the Cold War with Russia simply by staring across the water at them.
* Sarah Palin is more certain than death or taxes.
* Sarah Palin taught Michael Phelps to swim.
* Sarah Palin can win a game of Connect 4 with only 3 moves.
If America knows what is good for us, we will pick Sarah Palin to be our next Vice President. Isn't that obvious?
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 9/24/2008 10:30:20 PM
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shemaromans
Posts: 3829
Joined: 3/30/2007
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One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."
"Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?"
The pastor said, "Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, "Which service, the 9:00 or the 10:30?"
_____________________________
"But as for me, it is good to be near God." Psalm 73:28
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 9/24/2008 10:55:27 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8014
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I love that one Shema!
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 9/26/2008 2:46:44 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8014
Joined: 9/5/2006
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Smart Investing
If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00.
With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.00.
Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 9/26/2008 2:52:40 PM
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raivyne
Posts: 934
Joined: 8/28/2008
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LOL i love the palinisms (but not quite as much as the chuck norris facts)!
edit: the post below me is also funny!
_____________________________
P.U.S.H. – Pray Until Something Happens
What if God is asking us for a sign?
Knowledge is proud; wisdom is humble.
Patiently waiting for my KSA
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 9/26/2008 2:52:49 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8014
Joined: 9/5/2006
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change!
JOHN MC CAIN: My friends that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One! That every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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"There are no accidents in the life of faith. In its music, the accidentals perfect the harmony." 