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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 8/27/2008 12:54:42 PM
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mutinywxgirl
Posts: 12873
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: west coast of FL
Status: offline
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Okay - so I do it the male way - what does that say about me? LOLOLOL
_____________________________
When blood and water hit the ground.
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down.
We were free and made alive.
The day true love died. The day true love died.
Lisa is happy THE ROWDIES ARE BACK!
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 8/27/2008 1:01:30 PM
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benelchi
Posts: 2820
Joined: 9/14/2007
From: California
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Tinkerbell_
I think it would be easier to just say which ones I DON'T do...LOLOLOL
And we all noticed in this post the list of which ones you don't do!
It was a very short list.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 8/27/2008 1:10:22 PM
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JustJeannie
Posts: 4377
Joined: 6/14/2007
From: the state of confusion
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: mutinywxgirl
Okay - so I do it the male way - what does that say about me? LOLOLOL
ME TOO!!! heh
_____________________________
Jeannie
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 8/27/2008 1:19:45 PM
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mutinywxgirl
Posts: 12873
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: west coast of FL
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: JustJeannie
quote:
ORIGINAL: mutinywxgirl
Okay - so I do it the male way - what does that say about me? LOLOLOL
ME TOO!!! heh
Must be the referee in us - just very matter of fact about how we go about things, huh? 
_____________________________
When blood and water hit the ground.
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down.
We were free and made alive.
The day true love died. The day true love died.
Lisa is happy THE ROWDIES ARE BACK!
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 8/27/2008 1:21:09 PM
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JustJeannie
Posts: 4377
Joined: 6/14/2007
From: the state of confusion
Status: offline
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That makes total sense.............LOL
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Jeannie
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 8/27/2008 6:44:26 PM
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AngelInWaiting1983
Posts: 10717
Joined: 6/8/2007
From: South Carolina
Status: online
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I will not admit to what I do and don't do in the ATM line.
_____________________________
Reflecting with Terri
Dance like no one is watching. If they are, who cares!
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 8/27/2008 6:58:32 PM
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benelchi
Posts: 2820
Joined: 9/14/2007
From: California
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: AngelInWaiting1983
I will not admit to what I do and don't do in the ATM line.
You just did!
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 8/27/2008 7:04:32 PM
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AngelInWaiting1983
Posts: 10717
Joined: 6/8/2007
From: South Carolina
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: benelchi
quote:
ORIGINAL: AngelInWaiting1983
I will not admit to what I do and don't do in the ATM line.
You just did!
I did not give specifics!
_____________________________
Reflecting with Terri
Dance like no one is watching. If they are, who cares!
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 8/27/2008 7:47:57 PM
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benelchi
Posts: 2820
Joined: 9/14/2007
From: California
Status: online
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If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,'
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
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'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.'
--Mariah Carey
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,'
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,'
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,'
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,'
--A congressional candidate in Texas.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'Half this game is ninety percent mental.'
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
--Al Gore, Vice President
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.'
-- Dan Quayle
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?'
--Lee Iacocca
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'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.'
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.
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'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.'
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
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'Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas.'
--Keppel Enderbery
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'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.'
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 8/27/2008 7:51:14 PM
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AngelInWaiting1983
Posts: 10717
Joined: 6/8/2007
From: South Carolina
Status: online
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quote:
'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.'
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
Of course it would be from SC! Sheesh!
_____________________________
Reflecting with Terri
Dance like no one is watching. If they are, who cares!
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 8/27/2008 7:55:54 PM
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benelchi
Posts: 2820
Joined: 9/14/2007
From: California
Status: online
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For those who may have missed this in the other thread here it is again. John_O make sure you get a copy!
====================================
APPLICATION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
(REVOCABLE AT ANY TIME)
NOTE - This application will be Incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
1. NAME:_________________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH: _______________
2. HEIGHT:___________ WEIGHT: ______IQ: ________GPA: ______
3. SOCIAL SECURITY #: __________________DRIVERS LICENSE #: _____________________
4. BOY SCOUT RANK:_______________________________________
5. HOME ADDRESS: ________________________CITY: ___________________ ZIP __________
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? Yes____ No_______ If NO, explain:_______
_________________________________________________________________________________
7. Number of years parents married: ___________
8. DO YOU OWN A VAN? ____ A TRUCK WITH OVERSIZED TIRES OR CAMPER SHELL? ____
WATERBED? ______ MOTORCYCLE? _______ TATOO? _____ COLOR ALTERED HAIR? ____
(IF YES TO ANY PART OF #8, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY!)
9. In 50 words or less, what does "Late" mean to you? ______________________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________________
10. In 50 words or less, what does "DO NOT TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?
____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?
______________________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________________
12. What church do you attend? ___________________ How often do you attend? _______/ days per week
13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, priest or pastor? ___________________
14. Fill in the blanks: Please answer freely - all answers are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone - I promise):
A. If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is in the _____________
B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ______________________________
C. A women's place is in the _______________________________________________________
D. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is __________________________
E. When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice is _____________________________________
(NOTE: If the answer to "E" begins with a B, T, or A, discontinue and leave the premises immediately with your head hung low.)
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? _________________________________________________
16. Do you plan to attend a Catholic or Christian College? ________ Which one? ____________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.
____________________________________ Signature (That means sign your name)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (this action will void this application). If your application is rejected you will be notified by two angels wearing red suits and carrying pitch forks. (You might want to start praying now).
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 8/27/2008 8:03:53 PM
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mutinywxgirl
Posts: 12873
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: west coast of FL
Status: offline
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LOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!! I didn't see it before. Major stars for it!!!!!!
_____________________________
When blood and water hit the ground.
Walls we couldn't move came crashing down.
We were free and made alive.
The day true love died. The day true love died.
Lisa is happy THE ROWDIES ARE BACK!
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 8/28/2008 11:15:00 PM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 2100
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: benelchi
For those who may have missed this in the other thread here it is again. John_O make sure you get a copy!
====================================
APPLICATION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
(REVOCABLE AT ANY TIME)
NOTE - This application will be Incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
1. NAME:_________________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH: _______________
2. HEIGHT:___________ WEIGHT: ______IQ: ________GPA: ______
3. SOCIAL SECURITY #: __________________DRIVERS LICENSE #: _____________________
4. BOY SCOUT RANK:_______________________________________
5. HOME ADDRESS: ________________________CITY: ___________________ ZIP __________
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? Yes____ No_______ If NO, explain:_______
_________________________________________________________________________________
7. Number of years parents married: ___________
8. DO YOU OWN A VAN? ____ A TRUCK WITH OVERSIZED TIRES OR CAMPER SHELL? ____
WATERBED? ______ MOTORCYCLE? _______ TATOO? _____ COLOR ALTERED HAIR? ____
(IF YES TO ANY PART OF #8, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY!)
9. In 50 words or less, what does "Late" mean to you? ______________________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________________
10. In 50 words or less, what does "DO NOT TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?
____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________
11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?
______________________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________________________
12. What church do you attend? ___________________ How often do you attend? _______/ days per week
13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, priest or pastor? ___________________
14. Fill in the blanks: Please answer freely - all answers are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone - I promise):
A. If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is in the _____________
B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ______________________________
C. A women's place is in the _______________________________________________________
D. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is __________________________
E. When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice is _____________________________________
(NOTE: If the answer to "E" begins with a B, T, or A, discontinue and leave the premises immediately with your head hung low.)
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? _________________________________________________
16. Do you plan to attend a Catholic or Christian College? ________ Which one? ____________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.
____________________________________ Signature (That means sign your name)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (this action will void this application). If your application is rejected you will be notified by two angels wearing red suits and carrying pitch forks. (You might want to start praying now).
I will print this for when my daughter starts dating...which I think will be soon. She's already heavily crushing on a boy...and she's only 11.
_____________________________
The heavens declare the glory of God;
And the firmament shows His handiwork. Psalm 19: 1
____________________________________
To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven. King Solomon
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 8/29/2008 10:30:25 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8060
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
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WOW. I leave for teh coast and things get hopping back here.
The cops had a very busy week.
They arrested Satan. Booked him for possession.
They also nabbed the paper bag cowboy. They got him for rustling
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Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 9/5/2008 11:49:15 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8060
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
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Q: What does a cat like to eat on a hot day?
A: A mice cream cone.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 9/6/2008 12:05:46 AM
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John_O
Posts: 8060
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
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John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the
same barbershop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Obama was quick to stop him saying, “No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I’ve been in a whorehouse,”
The second barber turned to McCain and said, “How about you?”
McCain replied, “Go ahead; my wife doesn’t know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.”
_____
Two young men from up in Minnesooooota were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.
Ole says to the Sven ‘Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?’
Sven replies, ‘Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!’
Ole says, with wide eyes, ‘Wow, they aren’t very expensive. At this price, I’m buying one.’
Sven smiles and pats him on the back. ‘Good idea! Order one and if she’s as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.’ Three weeks later, Sven man asks his friend Ole, ‘Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?’
Ole replies, ‘No, but it shouldn’t be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!’
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 9/8/2008 8:48:08 AM
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John_O
Posts: 8060
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
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Todays History lesson: The cultural ages of man
Click Here
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 9/8/2008 10:12:02 AM
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ladioffaith
Posts: 2979
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: NE Ohio (L.A. . . Lower Akron)
Status: offline
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Punny as usual, Johnno ...
_____________________________
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with
his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zeph. 3:17
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 9/10/2008 8:15:57 AM
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JustJeannie
Posts: 4377
Joined: 6/14/2007
From: the state of confusion
Status: offline
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Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jello and ice cream. It's a breeze.
"The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."
_____________________________
Jeannie
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RE: Hey! I've got a joke. : ) - 9/14/2008 5:56:43 PM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 2100
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline
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Got Tech Support???
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and. Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
============== =
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah............thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7. Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?
_____________________________
The heavens declare the glory of God;
And the firmament shows His handiwork. Psalm 19: 1
____________________________________
To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven. King Solomon
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