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discipline ladder; advice needed - 1/17/2008 11:14:43 AM
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deb77
Posts: 117
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
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Ok, Moms & Dads, your advice is greatly needed.
We are a blending family (we have sixteen kids, but only twelve at home-check out my blog for middle names/ages at http://callmecrazy-momofsixteen.blogspot.com). The process has been going on for about 2.5 years, plus the school year I spent with them as a “nanny” for a total of 3/5 years. I hear it can take seven or more years to blend and become a united family, so I’m trying to find ways to make this an easier process. Discipline is getting easier, but is still causing strife between hubby and me. It's easy to take it personally when one of "your" kids does something wrong. I want to minimize this self-defense mechanism by finding a means of discipline that is agreed on by all, not his way nor my way, but "our" way.
The focus of this request is in the area of discipline. Yeah, I know I’m not supposed to discipline his kids, but he wants me to manage them and deal with as much as I am capable of, particularly with the younger ones. I am a skilled mother, having had my own five before I married him. It’s the mass of them and the teens I need help with because I’m their step mom. How can I not be involved with his nine children when I am the only one in their lives most of the week? I can't avoid discipline, and since he doesn't like my stricter ways, I want to adapt to a new way, perhaps using the discipline ladder.
I found a copy of the "privilege" (discipline) ladder used by others, and I’ve personalized it for our family as follows:
Rung ten: full privileges within their age appropriate boundaries
Rung nine: can ride bikes, go to friends house, have a friend over, go to bday parties
Rung eight: can play approved video/computer games, use game boys or ipods/mp3 players
Rung seven: can help self to approved treats, can have a soda, buy from concession stand
Rung six: can watch approved TV shows/video/DVD, can go outside to play
Rung five: can go out to practice sports drills; can make crafts, help cook
Rung four: can play with small hand toys, Barbie’s/etc quietly in own room
Rung three: may draw, color, play board games, card games
Rung two: may read a book, practice musical instrument
Rung one: may do chores, homework (not on computer), spend thinking time in room
The kids have all agreed that this is a good way to know where they stand, so I need to determine how they gain privileges or lose them.
How would you handle:
Keeping personal items tidy or not (messy room, unmade bed, dirty clothes on floor, coat/backpack/shoes strewn on the entry floor, socks left wherever taken off, leaving school/church papers lying around; leaving wet towels on the floor, personal toys/video games/DVD/ipod cords not put away)
Doing a fair share of chores or not/avoidance (filling dishwasher, but not hand-washing the rest; clearing the counters somewhat, but not washing them; cleaning bathroom sink, but not the floor; rotating the laundry, but not folding or putting them away; disappearing into their room, etc)
Practicing their instrument/drilling skills for sports team or not
Doing their homework or not (book reports, worksheets, practice spelling, reading for 20-30 min, getting papers signed & backpack loaded and ready for tomorrow)
Grades (how much up for good ones, how far down for bad ones?)
Mother’s helper or pusuing selfish interests (cooking, watching siblings, overseeing a project, managing household temporarily)
Being up and ready on time or sleeping in till the last minute (missed the bus, forgot lunch, forgot instrument, etc.)
Being respectful/having good manners or being rude or disrespectful
Being diligent or being lazy
Being reverent in church or being irreverent
Using pleasant words/being wise or name calling/nastiness/being foolish
Being obedient/disobedient (on command or as understood-such as it’s my week to do dishes, so I don’t need to be told)
Being gentle/kind/merciful/unselfish or fighting/selfishness (hitting, biting, kicking, throwing)
Peacemaking or teasing/picking fights/causing trouble
Giving/sharing or stealing/being selfish
Submission to parents/teacher/authority, giving honor or being defiant/rebelling against authority
Cheerfulness/thankfulness/appreciation or arguing, complaining or whining
Telling the truth or lying
I have proposed moving down to rung one, two or three for most of the offenses (perhaps adding additional punishment as needed such as when suspended from school) and going up one rung for each of the positive traits. I’d also move them up for accomplishments. When I mentioned the ladder to dad and our counselor, dad liked the idea of making it harder to go up and easier to go down since when we as adults screw up, it can affect us in extremely negative ways, but when we do well, it takes enormous effort to get where we want to go (like saving money for a family vacation).
What would you do? Would you change the privileges by age group?
I would not mind hearing of your success/failure with methods of discipline also.
Thanks so much for your input. I will value it greatly and share your ideas with hubby so we can negotiate a just system of family government for our fledgling, but highly demanding family.
Mom of sixteen
http://callmecrazy-momofsixteen.blogspot.com/
_____________________________
Love is patient, love is kind... It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 1 Co. 13:4-8
http://callmecrazy-momofsixteen.blogspot.com/
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RE: discipline ladder; advice needed - 1/17/2008 12:24:57 PM
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IonMoon
Posts: 956
Joined: 4/21/2005
From: The Unted State of Confusion
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: deb77
Ok, Moms & Dads, your advice is greatly needed.
I can't avoid discipline, and since he doesn't like my stricter ways, I want to adapt to a new way, perhaps using the discipline ladder.
The kids have all agreed that this is a good way to know where they stand, so I need to determine how they gain privileges or lose them.
I think the fact that everyone agrees is the important thing. I haven't used a system, since there are only two kids, it just doesn't seem necessary for us.
quote:
How would you handle:
Keeping personal items tidy or not (messy room, unmade bed, dirty clothes on floor, coat/backpack/shoes strewn on the entry floor, socks left wherever taken off, leaving school/church papers lying around; leaving wet towels on the floor, personal toys/video games/DVD/ipod cords not put away)
Bedrooms: We use the close the door and MYOB; for things left around- I will warn once, then I put it away (IOW- it is gone for a while!)
quote:
Practicing their instrument/drilling skills for sports team or not
This is another I always felt was up to them- they have to live with the consequences and I personally don't feel it is something that should be forced or disciplined.
quote:
Grades (how much up for good ones, how far down for bad ones?)
I don't at all believe in discipline or rewards based on grades- though I do agree that it is fair to raise them up/down based on whether they are doing their work, get their things together for school, getting up & ready & to school on time, etc.
quote:
Mother’s helper or pusuing selfish interests (cooking, watching siblings, overseeing a project, managing household temporarily)
Well, if they are doing something without it being one of their assigned chores on their own, I think it is nice to reward that- and with your system raise them up... but I would not ever reduce them for not chosing to do this (ie- I am not sure what you are saying by "selfish pursuits" if a child is playing or reading rather than helping someone when they have done their assigned chores- well, IMO, that is their free time and while it is noce & should be rewarded if they choose to help during their free time, they should not be punished if they don't.).
quote:
Being respectful/having good manners or being rude or disrespectful
You have to be careful here based on individual's personalities... but I think if someone is being clearly disrespectful, sure they should move down the ladder... and being especially respectful should move them up BUT you have to be careful that a "grouchier" kid is not being unfairly compared to an "easygoing" kid.
quote:
Being diligent or being lazy
Being reverent in church or being irreverent
Being gentle/kind/merciful/unselfish or fighting/selfishness (hitting, biting, kicking, throwing)
Peacemaking or teasing/picking fights/causing trouble
Way too vague. And already covered by more specific rules.
quote:
Using pleasant words/being wise or name calling/nastiness/being foolish
Cheerfulness/thankfulness/appreciation or arguing, complaining or whining
Telling the truth or lying
redundant, Goes along with respectful
quote:
Being obedient/disobedient (on command or as understood-such as it’s my week to do dishes, so I don’t need to be told)
Submission to parents/teacher/authority, giving honor or being defiant/rebelling against authority
These should just be one: Obedience. But, I would leave the "as understood" out, because 1) kids need reminders sometimes, it should be expected 2) It is covered by the rule of getting chores done. Now, if they forget a chore and have to be reminded once & still don't do it, then that is disobedience.
quote:
Giving/sharing or stealing/being selfish
I have never believed in forced sharing of personal stuff. Stealing/selfishness with family stuff goes along with respectful.
quote:
What would you do? Would you change the privileges by age group?
I just think you have to be careful. It would be better to have just a few, simple, clear rules- otherwise you will be moving people up and down all day with that many kids.
It is also easier to follow/understand if there are fewer things to remember... Especially as you are first starting. You can always expand it later.
My suggestion would be to pick the one or two things that is the biggest problem in your home and then add two more that are NOT a big problem so that people will be successful.
And personally, I think there are just too many levels. You will constantly be trying to figure out who is allowed to do what! I think the red light/green light systems work much better... Either you are free or you are not.
And if you have a really smart one (and usually the ones who are the worst behaved figure this stuff out quickest!) he might decide... hmm... I want to play board games today, so what is the least amount of work I can get away with and still be allowed to play a board game 
I don't know the ages of your children (cant go to the site now) but it just seems way too complicated to be practical, IMO.
With my teens (and again, I only have two, so it is easier to keep track of them), they have their chores, they know the rules, and when they want a privelege (to drive, to go somewhere, etc) and they either have not been following the rules or have not done their chores, then they know my answer will be no.
Tara P
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RE: discipline ladder; advice needed - 1/17/2008 1:08:45 PM
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peculiar_lady2
Posts: 9790
Status: offline
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we were a blended family (of sorts) growing up...nine to eleven in the house (my cousins lived there for a while...the blended comes in because a lady from our church in an abusive situation moved in temporarily with us and she ended up staying for longer then temporarily...she was not able to mentally handle her two kids plus being pregnant...they ended up staying fro years....thus the blended family).
here are some tips from my mom's system growing up....
Keeping personal items tidy or not
my mom would inspect before bed...saturday privileges (or summer time it was playing or going anywhere even during the week) depended on the cleanliness of your space.
Doing a fair share of chores or not/avoidance
my mom made chore lists for the refrigerator...basic lists...then she also had a more extensive, written out, check list of what was expected from that chore. We were allowed to check them off ourselves if we had proven we could do them...if we had not or could not prove that then it went to an adult to check it off for us. Chore lists were checked before bed...at the time teeth were checked...and anything not done we got docked for.
Practicing their instrument/drilling skills for sports team or not
Doing their homework or not
my mom counted this (we did piano practice mostly...weren't very athletic) as a chore...it had to be checked off with the chores every day.
Grades
My mom was happy if we were getting C's...since that's average...unless it was just from our own laziness. She expected us to do our best, but anything above a C was good enough for her book. My dad was opposite...he would gripe that we didn't get 100 if we got a 99. I have lots of issues I have had to work through because of the pressure he put on me as a child...so we don't do that kind of thing with our own kids. We expect them to live up to their own standards...the way God created them to be...and we push them to that, but we do not downgrade them if they aren't perfect.
I would only judge this on your ladder by the amount of time the individual child needs to put in to their studies...not sure if that makes sense or not.
Mother’s helper or pursuing selfish interests
Every family needs followers and leaders...and God makes every child differently. So I wouldn't say to put this expectation on your ladder or disciplines. Just know and tell them that you expect their best at what they like to do. If one likes to cook and the other likes to watch the little ones more, then why not let them push themselves in their own interests. things still get done.
Being up and ready on time or sleeping in till the last minute
I like natural consequences....you woke up late and missed the bus, oh I am so sorry....my taxi service is $___ or you can choose to walk!!!
Being respectful/having good manners or being rude or disrespectful
Being diligent or being lazy
Being reverent in church or being irreverent
Using pleasant words/being wise or name calling/nastiness/being foolish
Being obedient/disobedient
I would call all of those attitudes....good attitudes (but appropriate to the individual child's personality) result in good things, bad attitudes result in consequences. I wouldn't lump them all together though....for instance...
I wouldn't say a child can't play a video game if they can't play with their brother or sister right or are rude. I would say that if they can't play the VIDEO game without being rude then they can't play it. Does that make sense? (More on the natural consequences thing).
Being gentle/kind/merciful/unselfish or fighting/selfishness (hitting, biting, kicking, throwing)
Peacemaking or teasing/picking fights/causing trouble
Giving/sharing or stealing/being selfish
Submission to parents/teacher/authority, giving honor or being defiant/rebelling against authority
Cheerfulness/thankfulness/appreciation or arguing, complaining or whining
Telling the truth or lying
I would put these are household expectations. We like to use scripture for our house expectations. We teach them what the Bible says about love, then when they aren't being loving that is against the rules. (Makes the rules much shorter then the long list of do's and don't's)
my parents didn't use a rung system....they did it this way....
they had what they called "events". They figured out that if we were grounded then we didn't plan anything...so they started doing instead the events. We would have to miss a certain number of events for bad behavior. They had a list of behaviors and consequences...and the events usually started with missing the next three things and went up from there. We could work off those events if we did any approved chores above and beyond our own...but they had to be approved before hand and attitude was a major factor in determining if we could do that. They were things that usually only got done on spring cleaning week...like washing windows in and out, washing the siding on the house, things like that. WAY above and beyond our chores.
I think the key to whatever you have though is being concise (not too wordy or you will lose the kids interests), being consistent (like you said, all on the same page...written down things is very easy to pull out when you need a reminder), and being Biblical (it's much easier to put all the things into shorter categories if you are teaching them a WAY to live instead oa a RULE to follow)
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Proud to be...  
Be alert - the world needs more lerts.
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RE: discipline ladder; advice needed - 1/17/2008 4:17:50 PM
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pbaribeault
Posts: 1026
Joined: 4/29/2005
Status: offline
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Hi! I really like your system!
But that might be a problem with it...
I'm a really organized, systematic thinker. This appeals to me -- but so many others are going to think it is crazy, complex and way to rigid. Since you have 16 children involved, you have a huge variety of temperaments to work with, and this system is going to strongly favour some, while others will be constantly butting heads with it. Detail oriented kids that think ahead are really going to seem like your 'good' kids, but others are going to be constantly messing up - and the clarity of it might seem to them like heartlessness.
I really think you need more flexibility to KNOW the kids, to see the intent behind their choices, to understand which things they really struggle with and whether they are struggling as well as they can, even if they are doing poorly, to grasp what privilege loss will hit some kids hard but others not much. There's no room for that in your system.
----
A few examples of what I mean:
The kid who loves to read and would do it all day long by choice hasn't been hit close-to-home until the last rung, when taking away his library card much earlier would have told him you mean business.
The 3 year old that has a tearful personality is learning to be truthful, but tends to tell fairly obvious lies because she is sad and disappointed in herself... Maybe more of a teachable moment than just a rung down moment?
The kid that struggles in school makes poor grades but is really trying, while her sister breezes through everything and gets a good position on the ladder with much less effort and diligence.
The excellent athlete with much more call on their time struggles to understand why keeping their room clean is important when they are exhausted and just finished their homework.
----
I've been thinking out a system for myself, based on core values of behaviour, but individually applied. The 3 principles are, be honest, be respectful and be responsible. Most of what you have mentioned falls under one of these ideas, and the simplification might be nice - but it also makes it clear what you are trying to accomplish (other than a household that runs well and kids who aren't making problems).
I also think that some of the things you list should be more optional-but-rewarded rather than mandatory. (ie Courtesy is mandatory, but cheerfulness shouldn't be legislated. Proper behavior in Church is mandatory, but reverence is a matter of faith and the heart. Contributing to the running of the household is mandatory, but being helpful over & above is a personal choice.)
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RE: discipline ladder; advice needed - 1/24/2008 10:35:43 AM
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Ellie-Mae
Posts: 3788
Joined: 4/9/2005
From: The EMPIRE state!
Status: online
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We really liked your ladder. We have revamped it to fit our family. we started it the day before yesterday and I can already see the improvement. We made a bulliton board numbering stars and the kids are spacemen all trying to stay on star ten (the top of the ladder).
We call it a privilege ladder because it sounds more positive. We have the privileges listed with the star numbers next to the the chart that the move on.
We also use a chart where the kids get stickers for each of the major areas that have to be done each day (School/chores/piano) They have to have all three stickers before they are allowed to ask for use of privileges.
quote:
Keeping personal items tidy or not (messy room, unmade bed, dirty clothes on floor, coat/backpack/shoes strewn on the entry floor, socks left wherever taken off, leaving school/church papers lying around; leaving wet towels on the floor, personal toys/video games/DVD/ipod cords not put away)
With five kids, this is a big deal to us. There is a place for everything, and they know where those places are. Furthermore we make sure that they have time set aside to put things away. this is also a great place to learn to organize and be good stewards of what they have been blessed with.
quote:
Doing a fair share of chores or not/avoidance (filling dishwasher, but not hand-washing the rest; clearing the counters somewhat, but not washing them; cleaning bathroom sink, but not the floor; rotating the laundry, but not folding or putting them away; disappearing into their room, etc)
I have a couple that would let others do their chores for them. The chart has actually made it easier to deal with this.quote:
Practicing their instrument/drilling skills for sports team or not
Doing their homework or not (book reports, worksheets, practice spelling, reading for 20-30 min, getting papers signed & backpack loaded and ready for tomorrow) We pay good money for their lessons, they are going to practice! It would be the same if they were in sports. I homeschool, so it is important that they take the appropriate amount of responsibility for their schooling and schooling materials. Again, everything has a place and their stuff better be in them at the end of each subject.quote:
Grades (how much up for good ones, how far down for bad ones?) It is a little different with homeschooling, but I would not discipline a child for bad grades. I would get after him for not doing his homework or studying.quote:
Mother’s helper or pursuing selfish interests (cooking, watching siblings, overseeing a project, managing household temporarily) Most of that can be covered by dealing with their general attitude. It is their heart attitude that I would be addressing with this and not the symptoms. quote:
Being up and ready on time or sleeping in till the last minute (missed the bus, forgot lunch, forgot instrument, etc.) I would be training them on how to do that and slowly not reminding them as much and making them more responsible as time wentquote:
Being respectful/having good manners or being rude or disrespectful That is not acceptable. Our manners may not be up to ms. Manners expectations though. Disrespect is something that they would go down the ladder for, but manners is something that we have "house rules" for.quote:
Being diligent or being lazy This one would come under some of the other stuff that you have mentioned a little easier.quote:
Being reverent in church or being irreverent I haven't had this problem, but it would be considered very serious.quote:
Using pleasant words/being wise or name calling/nastiness/being foolish We have never had problems with name calling. It just isn't allowed. Nastiness is handled as a serious issue. foolishness is allowed as long as it is not disobedient or encourage disobedience or possible danger. quote:
Being obedient/disobedient (on command or as understood-such as it’s my week to do dishes, so I don’t need to be told) yes, my kids would down the ladder for that, although we don't mind giving reminders in some things, but our aim is to get them to take responsibility for themselves. quote:
Being gentle/kind/merciful/unselfish or fighting/selfishness (hitting, biting, kicking, throwing) those are serious issues that need attention. They would go down on the ladder, but we would also be talking and praying with them to gget to the heart of the issue.quote:
Peacemaking or teasing/picking fights/causing trouble
Giving/sharing or stealing/being selfish
Submission to parents/teacher/authority, giving honor or being defiant/rebelling against authority
Cheerfulness/thankfulness/appreciation or arguing, complaining or whining
Telling the truth or lying
I have proposed moving down to rung one, two or three for most of the offenses (perhaps adding additional punishment as needed such as when suspended from school) and going up one rung for each of the positive traits. I’d also move them up for accomplishments. When I mentioned the ladder to dad and our counselor, dad liked the idea of making it harder to go up and easier to go down since when we as adults screw up, it can affect us in extremely negative ways, but when we do well, it takes enormous effort to get where we want to go (like saving money for a family vacation).
What would you do? Would you change the privileges by age group?
I would not mind hearing of your success/failure with methods of discipline also.
Thanks so much for your input. I will value it greatly and share your ideas with hubby so we can negotiate a just system of family government for our fledgling, but highly demanding family.
We use one chart for all of the kids (12-4). We started them all on rung 10 (the highest). I only move them down one rung per offense. They do an extra chore of my choice to move up a rung, or if I see them doing something that shows good character that I find impressive, I will move them up one. I haven't had to do more yet since losing a privilege is a pretty big deal. If there was something major, like lying, or being nasty, We might have to do more to reinforce the seriousness of the behaviour and deal with the heart issue.
I am more lenient with kids according to age. the older ones do see me training them in what is expected of them. They don't have as many expectations put on them, but they have all of the same privileges at their own age levels.
_____________________________
Please do not PM me about this message, discuss it at the water cooler, or include it in your church bulletins. If you have questions, please keep them to yourself. ~Kerrlaw
W2D1
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RE: discipline ladder; advice needed - 1/24/2008 12:20:06 PM
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Row1
Posts: 249
Joined: 12/2/2005
Status: offline
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wow.
we have trouble with 2 kids in the home!
however, i worked in a treatment center with troubled kids, and was at times the only employee watching up to 7 juvenile delinquents.
i agree that the unity between you and husband is very important. His children need to understand that your word carries the weight of law. This can only be the understanding if he backs you up (my wife holds her tongue a lot when I 'parent' her daughter differently than my wife would, but within reason).
also along with this 'legalism,' maybe it would help to keep emphasizing the spirit of the law: we do this a lot:
first, we are a family and we pitch in and help each other out. that is the way we live. no other options until you turn 18 AND move out.
second: we are raising adults, not raising children. you will be held to expectations that are as far along the ladder to adulthood as possible. this is my answer to many arguments and complaints (including: you will have bosses who are way worse than me - so getting used to my style will be a good experience, etc.). this also helps with the 'good' stuff like getting ipods, etc. - why should my stepdaughter get things that my wife and i do not get such as totally free weekends free of chores, new phones, new digital cameras, etc.
third: all chores and homework may need to be group efforts: you may need to run a study hall, and expect the older kids to be tutors for the younger kids.
finally - you and your husband will need to make sure to put in a lot of fun family time at least once every week. this could be: make-your-own-pizza, or karaoke/american idol (take turns as judges etc), or guess-what-movie-this-line-came-from.
there may need to be as much positive stuff - fun, compliments, quality time, as there is 'negative' chore/discipline stuff.
wow. i am gonna have to check your blog to see how you do this.
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RE: discipline ladder; advice needed - 1/24/2008 12:50:57 PM
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crankius
Posts: 4504
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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I read most of your OP and that made me feel exhausted  , so I only skimmed the replies. 
I only have one point that may be helpful. We have family meetings where we discuss the good, bad, and ugly. We don't just use them for discipline or gripes--we use them for discussing plans, vacations, procedures, etc.
We generally follow Roberts Rules, more or less. Dad has a gavel (meat tenderizer), and he takes notes. We each contribute, and we hear the feelings and responses of anyone who wants to express in an orderly way.
Then the chair (dad) makes determinations (in agreement with me, of course!), and we adjourn. Dad types up the notes and puts them on the fridge for everyone to read.
We actually have a lot of fun at these meetings. We also get to hear a lot of interesting things from our kids. When our daughter was three, she raised her hand to bring up a very important point: "What if dad went to work in his underwear?" Fascinating.
Anyway, family meetings work for some families and not for others.
_____________________________
Do not be overly righteous, Nor be overly wise: Why should you destroy yourself?
Ecclesiastes 7:16
SYSTEMATIC THEOLOGY
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RE: discipline ladder; advice needed - 1/25/2008 10:14:45 AM
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Christian30
Posts: 204
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: Stafford, TX (Houston suburb)
Status: offline
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Wow, some of these systems seem complicated. Deb77, it does sound like you need more liberty with the 9 kids who are from hubby's first marriage.
I periodically care for a very large family, and even as a family friend I discipline kids from time to time. If you have the responsibility you need the same authority with all 16 kids. My $.02.
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RE: discipline ladder; advice needed - 1/28/2008 11:43:52 AM
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Ellie-Mae
Posts: 3788
Joined: 4/9/2005
From: The EMPIRE state!
Status: online
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Deb, I was wondering how you were doing with the kids. I am curious... How does your husband feel when the school disciplines the kids?
i am so glad that you have gone through the trouble of putting that ladder together. Our kids love it. I rarely have to even have to discipline (correction) other than to drop them down on the ladder. They have been coming to us for chores to take them back up the ladder and shown a good attitude about doing them.
Along with the ladder I have a chart to keep track of where the kids are at for the day. Each day they are to earn three stickers. One for finishing school work. One sticker for finishing chores and one for practicing their piano. They can't take advantage of their privileges until they have all three stickers. They are all really eager to get those stickers earned. They are already mostly done with their schooling for the day! It works better than the house fairy! 
Thank you!
_____________________________
Please do not PM me about this message, discuss it at the water cooler, or include it in your church bulletins. If you have questions, please keep them to yourself. ~Kerrlaw
W2D1
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RE: discipline ladder; advice needed - 1/28/2008 7:04:48 PM
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Ellie-Mae
Posts: 3788
Joined: 4/9/2005
From: The EMPIRE state!
Status: online
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Everything is in stars right now:
Star Ten: Full privileges within their age appropriate boundaries (this includes things like youth group, birthday parties, and phone calls and such. Not everyday stuff)
Star nine: Can play approved video/computer games
Star eight: can eat approved treats, but things with your money
Star seven: can watch approved TV shows/videos/DVD
Star six: can play outside, use educational computer sites/programs
Star five: can make crafts, help cook
Star four: can play with small hand toys, quietly in own room
Star three: may draw, color, play board games, card games
Star two: may read a book
Star one: may do chores, homework, spend time thinking in room
We have been doing this for a week and there aren't any children under rung 8! I am sure that that child will want a chore to rise up the ladder soon.
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RE: discipline ladder; advice needed - 1/28/2008 7:18:48 PM
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Ellie-Mae
Posts: 3788
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From: The EMPIRE state!
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quote:
Also, with the age differences, you obviously deal with them differently on some things. Is this a problem?
No, the principles are the same with all of the children, but the amount of responsiblities are different. for example, I get out the schoolwork for the three little ones, get them started and remind them to put it back when done. The older ones are responsible to get themselves going and to put their own books away. BUT the older children have a wider range of what they are allowed to do on the computers.
David is also responsible to set the tone for the rest of the kids attitude wise, we are working with Sarah on her attitude and we prompt her to straighten up more than we do with David because David knows better.
This is OK with all involved because David deffinately does NOT want to be treated the same way as his siblings. The same is true with the rest of the kids as well. They like being individual, having their own strengths and weaknesses worked on instead of being treated all exactly the same.
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RE: discipline ladder; advice needed - 1/28/2008 7:48:04 PM
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Ellie-Mae
Posts: 3788
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From: The EMPIRE state!
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We don't have anything written or spelled out. the kids can go down for not doing what they know they are supposed to do because it is a part of the routine. they can go down for bad attitudes, especially if they don't bring them into check in a timely manner or if they take it out on another person. They can go down for direct disobedience. I think that about covers what most offenses would come under.
It helps that they already know what is expected so it isn't a huge transition. We make sure they have plenty of time to enjoy their privileges... that seems to also be a big key.
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RE: discipline ladder; advice needed - 1/29/2008 9:38:52 PM
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Ellie-Mae
Posts: 3788
Joined: 4/9/2005
From: The EMPIRE state!
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oooooooooooh! I love it! That is so cute and pretty. What do the kids think of it?
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RE: discipline ladder; advice needed - 1/30/2008 12:53:16 PM
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Ellie-Mae
Posts: 3788
Joined: 4/9/2005
From: The EMPIRE state!
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I wonder how Deb is doing. She sure started a good thing at our house.
It is so neat that the kids come to me for more chores!
it used to be (all too often) that as soon as I walked in the door, I would have children badgering me with "Can I play video games/computer/watch TV??" Now the first thing I get Is "What chore can I do now?" I love it! They are happy to do them too. I was sick with a migraine the day before yesterday, and the kids kept ME going and did all the stuff that was expected of them!
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RE: discipline ladder; advice needed - 1/30/2008 1:56:57 PM
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Ellie-Mae
Posts: 3788
Joined: 4/9/2005
From: The EMPIRE state!
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I remember doing littler boxes at 8 years old. I don't think it is too much. I admit that I have never had my kids do littler box at that age because I never felt like they washed good enough. that is a "me" thing though. My current 8 year old is not a good gage for most 8 year olds. When my older boys were 8 year olds were responsible for their rooms, bringing down the laundry, cleaning their bathroom and the common area between the kids rooms. They also cleared and set the table. They also did a lot of odd chores that we would just ask them to do when they needed stuff done. BTW: eight year olds are great at scrubbing out those bottom shelves of a fridge. They are able to reach much easier than us.
I really don't have a lot listed as chores for the kids. They are supposed to keep the kid's level of the house up to par, clean up after themselves, and put away their school supplies. the kids are also responsible for clearing and setting the table. If they do those things, then we are usually good to go. We do have stuff that we ask them to do extra, but now those things are mostly being covered by them wanting to stay up on the chart. We are also trying to teach them the "if you see something that needs doing, go ahead and do it" concept, but that takes time. 
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RE: discipline ladder; advice needed - 1/30/2008 2:20:33 PM
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