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Wife Hanging Out Late with Friends - 7/20/2008 3:16:05 AM
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MowTin
Posts: 31
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Lately, my wife has been staying out late with some new single friends she met. One male and one female. They all work together for the same company but at different locations.
Right now it's 3am and she's not home yet. She was out with them yesterday and the day before.
Am I overreacting? In my world view when you get married you come home at a proper time to your spouse. And honestly, I don't like that one of these people is a guy.
What do you think is reasonable?
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RE: Wife Hanging Out Late with Friends - 7/20/2008 3:52:28 AM
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DreadPirateRandy
Posts: 8754
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I would expect my wife to be next to me sleeping at three o' clock in the morning.
I don't think you're overreacting at all. In fact, if my wife was out in the late hours with friends (especially one that is a male), I would probably react in the same manner.
She should be respectful, reasonable, and responsible. At three o' clock in the morning, her loyalties are to her husband.
_____________________________
The lunatic, the lover, and the poet, are of imagination all compact.
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RE: Wife Hanging Out Late with Friends - 7/20/2008 8:08:58 AM
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buckifn
Posts: 1681
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quote:
I would expect my wife to be next to me sleeping at three o' clock in the morning.
ditto that.
What is the point of marriage if you don't forsake all others and cleave to your spouse as the scripture says? That is what I would ask her. She would have to make a choice.
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RE: Wife Hanging Out Late with Friends - 7/20/2008 8:16:22 AM
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MC4JC
Posts: 185
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From: Minnesota
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I agree with the others. If it was a one time thing, it would be different, but if its starting to be a habit (which it seems to me), then you have some serious problems to address.
The problem is you do NOT want to jump on her and have her get defensive when you start questioning and accusing her. Because she will immediately tell you nothing is going on, I'm not doing anything wrong, etc.
You need to have a quiet time and discuss why this is bothering you so much - put it in terms of "honey, I'm feeling really insecure and worried about things lately and I need to address this now. I'm worried about you staying out so late when you should be home sleeping with me. I don't want to imagine the wrong things. Help me understand what is going on and why. I miss you and want you by my side....."
Unless you guys are having other marital problems, hopefully this will stop. If need be, you might have to look into counseling if you want to save your marriage.
The fact that they are single and its only 3 people involve, sounds like a disaster in the making!
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RE: Wife Hanging Out Late with Friends - 7/20/2008 9:26:42 AM
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manda59
Posts: 5705
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From: Hampshire, UK
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Why is it that she wants to be out with them? And what were things like before this started happening?
Also, am I remembering correctly? Was it you that posted just over a year ago about having marital difficulties - arguments, you hiding in the basement to make the other think you weren't home?
Sorry if I have you mixed up with someone else.
_____________________________
"I love Manda's suggestion to just laugh most of it off.."
Tinkerbell, September 2008
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RE: Wife Hanging Out Late with Friends - 7/20/2008 11:13:45 AM
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PureOath
Posts: 42
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From: Abiding in the Shadow of the Almighty
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If my husband were out that late with colleagues - without it being of very rare occurrence, and certainly without advance planning or a phone call to tip me off, I'd be very concerned.
I can understand that your wife may want opportunity to socialize with others in her career field, network, or find support from her peers. But unless her shift ends at 1AM and she's going out once or twice a week for appetizers or dinner before she comes home to you, it seems a little odd to me.
I would try to open up a frank discussion with my spouse about how I felt, and about how the relationship is going, and how we could work on our relational problems. If my hubby wasn't anxious to come home and share time with me, I'd express my concern and do a LOT of praying.
As a general rule, my husband and I condsider ourselves one social unit when it comes to our friends unless we're having a girls day or a guys day.
We are separated because of his deployment right now, but when he's here we do things together for the most part. The girls day and the guys days happen twice a month at most. Not on any sort of basis that would leave me wondering why he's been out all night.
_____________________________
quote:
Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.
- Sir Winston Churchill
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RE: Wife Hanging Out Late with Friends - 7/20/2008 7:02:29 PM
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jaimestarcross
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To me - being reasonable would be having a conversation with your wife as to why she's staying out late so many nights in a row? It matters little if she's out with girls only or with another girl and a guy - the point is she's out far too late and it's getting to be a habit... you two need to be talking to each other and working on establishing healthy relationships that don't interfere or cause problems in your marriage.
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RE: Wife Hanging Out Late with Friends - 7/20/2008 7:57:07 PM
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stonek
Posts: 154
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My husband would not be okay me with me out until 3:00am. Neither would I if it was him. We are married and spend most time together.
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RE: Wife Hanging Out Late with Friends - 7/20/2008 9:31:34 PM
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SkillfullGourmet
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Does she call you first and check in with you about it before she goes out? Can't you just talk about it and tell her you miss her and don't like it when she's out that late? Would you be willing to go out with them one night so you could meet them? My husband and I would both be okay with the other staying out late with friends occasionally, as long as we checked with the other first.
Be careful with this, because if she's having tons of fun with them and you're all angry and no fun to be around, it will be hard for her to have a good attitude about respecting your wishes to be at home. I don't blame you at all for not liking this 3 days in a row and I definitely think you should have a conversation about it. Just be open to her and listen to her thoughts about it and her reasons for doing this.
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RE: Wife Hanging Out Late with Friends - 7/21/2008 2:47:49 AM
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MowTin
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Thanks for the responses. I thought maybe I was the only one who thought that it's not proper for married people to be out alone that late.
There is also the issue of this single make coworker. This guy is best friends with the female coworker so they all hang out together.
Some months ago we got into an argument because I told her I didn't like her giving this coworker rides. I thought this was settled. But now I discover she is still giving him rides (He doesn't have a car). But I found out that she is still giving him rides by taking a peek at the text messages on her phone. So, I'm not sure how to bring this issue up.
Last time she made it seem like my opinion that she shouldn't be giving her male coworker rides was unreasonable. Is it?
And what is a reasonable time for her to come home?
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RE: Wife Hanging Out Late with Friends - 7/21/2008 3:48:42 AM
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manda59
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From: Hampshire, UK
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Maybe you didn't see this question that a couple of us asked you before:
Why is it that she even wants to be out with them? It's a rarity if I ever go out anywhere in the evening without my husband, and that's how it's been our whole marriage (and I am happy with that). If I was out for the evening, I'd be back before my husband went to bed.
What are your evenings together normally like? Do you have date nights each week? What need in her is being met by these other nights out?
_____________________________
"I love Manda's suggestion to just laugh most of it off.."
Tinkerbell, September 2008
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RE: Wife Hanging Out Late with Friends - 7/21/2008 5:24:08 AM
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Hislittleone
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quote:
What are your evenings together normally like? Do you have date nights each week? What need in her is being met by these other nights out?
Good questions, Manda.
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RE: Wife Hanging Out Late with Friends - 7/21/2008 5:45:06 AM
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manda59
Posts: 5705
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I am wondering if you didn't see my question to you before (which I've now edited, to add a detail):
quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
Was it you that posted just over a year ago about having marital difficulties - arguments (specifically her calling you nasty names), you hiding in the basement to make the other think you weren't home?
Sorry if I have you mixed up with someone else.
_____________________________
"I love Manda's suggestion to just laugh most of it off.."
Tinkerbell, September 2008
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RE: Wife Hanging Out Late with Friends - 7/21/2008 9:01:49 AM
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freakofnature
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I was going to respond with a story of my life but to the OP that probably isn't going to be very encouraging. Just know MowTin that we are praying for you that God gives you strength and wisdom and also gives you the words to say and peace to say them gently. God bless you MowTin.
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RE: Wife Hanging Out Late with Friends - 7/21/2008 9:36:15 PM
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MowTin
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quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
I am wondering if you didn't see my question to you before (which I've now edited, to add a detail):
Yes, that was me. A couple of months ago after a big argument it seems that she finally realized how damaging her verbal abuse was. She committed to stoping and so far has done a good job.
It's really just as things seemed like they were turning around that this hanging out late with friend began.
She has always liked hanging out with friends till dawn. We almost didn't get married because of that.
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RE: Wife Hanging Out Late with Friends - 7/21/2008 9:49:22 PM
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crankius
Posts: 4372
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quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
Why is it that she wants to be out with them? And what were things like before this started happening?
Also, am I remembering correctly? Was it you that posted just over a year ago about having marital difficulties - arguments, you hiding in the basement to make the other think you weren't home?
Sorry if I have you mixed up with someone else.
Manda,
I remember that thread, and I remember it differently. He slept in the basement because she had locked the door to the bedroom, and he had no choice but to sleep downstairs--the way I remember it.
At any rate, MowTin, I think your marriage needs a fresh start with serious Christian counseling and with both of you committing to the Lord to honor your covenant and do all you can to build a biblical marriage.
Are you involved in a good church, with strong mature leadership? If not, please find one. Are you both believers? Are you both doing all you can to mature in your faith?
It is NOT normal or healthy for one spouse to be spending so much time with someone of the opposite sex.
_____________________________
Do not be overly righteous, Nor be overly wise: Why should you destroy yourself?
Ecclesiastes 7:16
He Himself is our peace! Ephesians 2:14:a
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RE: Wife Hanging Out Late with Friends - 7/21/2008 10:20:50 PM
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manda59
Posts: 5705
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: MowTin
Yes, that was me. A couple of months ago after a big argument it seems that she finally realized how damaging her verbal abuse was. She committed to stoping and so far has done a good job.
OK, thanks, my memory must be doing ok!
quote:
She has always liked hanging out with friends till dawn. We almost didn't get married because of that.
If you married her knowing that this is what she liked to do, it's actually going to be far more difficult (and some may say unreasonable) for you to make an issue of it now.
Do you have any children?
_____________________________
"I love Manda's suggestion to just laugh most of it off.."
Tinkerbell, September 2008
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RE: Wife Hanging Out Late with Friends - 7/23/2008 1:35:30 AM
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Child4Jesus
Posts: 363
Joined: 5/24/2005
From: Long Island, Nassau, Elmont, NY
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quote:
ORIGINAL: MowTin
Lately, my wife has been staying out late with some new single friends she met. One male and one female. They all work together for the same company but at different locations.
Right now it's 3am and she's not home yet. She was out with them yesterday and the day before.
Am I overreacting? In my world view when you get married you come home at a proper time to your spouse. And honestly, I don't like that one of these people is a guy.
What do you think is reasonable?
I have some questions.
What is her line of work?
What are her work hours?
Did this start doing this when she met these people?
_____________________________
In Christ,
Richad
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RE: Wife Hanging Out Late with Friends - 7/24/2008 1:34:46 AM
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MowTin
Posts: 31
Joined: 4/20/2007
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We don't have children. Married almsot 3 years. I've been reluctant to introduce children to an unstable situation.
She works as a manger in a clothing store.
She usually works 8 to 5 but sometimes she works 8pm to 3am or something for inventory changes. Don't worry when she's working hours like that I call her store phone.
There was once before she met these friends when she stayed out till 4am with some other friends who were in town.
Spiritually things have gone down hill. We went from praying together every day during every meal to no prayer. It's my fault. During the period of verbal abuse I just felt so spiritually separated from her and my heart was so far from her that I couldn't sincerely pray with her. Things have been better these past two months. She's really stopped being abusive. She used to say, "I hate you" at least once a day but she hasn't said that in almost two months.
And just as I'm healing and feeling closer to her issues like this come up.
I don't this is as serious a problem. I just didn't know if it was reasonable for me to insist that she come home at a proper time. I thought maybe in this modern world this was normal.
I'lll let her know that if she wants to stay out late then I need to be with her. Her place is by my side.
Now, how to deal with the male coworker thing without being accusatory? Is it reasonable for me to say, "I don't ever want you to give this coworker a ride alone."?
Also, I want a marriage counselor but I have NO IDEA how to find one. I don't want to go to my church for one.
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RE: Wife Hanging Out Late with Friends - 7/24/2008 12:05:21 PM
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MC4JC
Posts: 185
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From: Minnesota
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If your church is one that really practices what is in the Bible in holding members accountable and the elders are there to help in all situations, then you really should be going to your church/pastor to find a Christian counseling service.
The church is supposed to be helping the members. You cannot do this alone. Sounds like more issues going on then just the staying out late/coworker issue. And the fact that you are pulling apart slowly, no prayers, etc tells me your marriage is in trouble and is getting worse instead of better. Time to be involving a 3rd party in counseling if you want to save it.
I am glad to know there are no children involved at this time - hope it remains that way till your marriage is on stable grounds.
BTW I drive 2 hrs to work; when we moved to our present house I was looking for a carpool (as no bus service out in the country to the cities). There was a guy (married) at our church that was heading in the general direction that might have worked out. But it would mean 2 married opposite sex in the same car (not married to each other) for 4 hrs round trip - and for apparence sake among other temptations that could arise, it was not a good idea. So I didn't pursue it even tho my husband trusts me, I trust myself and no way wanted Satan to even put the temptation before me.
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RE: Wife Hanging Out Late with Friends - 7/24/2008 1:53:15 PM
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Aenjal
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Joined: 7/15/2008
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i have a couple ideas for you:
1. you can try going out with her and her friends every time she wants to leave and hang out with them.
2. you should try to emphasize the point that worrying about what she is doing when she is out is the main reason you don't like her hanging out with that guy and also just being out late without you in general.
If she doesn't want you to go out with her and her co-workers, then she may just need time away from you (it's possible that some of your words/actions could be annoying or frustrating for her).. try not to jump to any conclusions because you probably don't know what is really going on for sure. You should try to step up and be assertive as needed though. Try praying about the situation and asking God to help you do the right thing. You can divert your attention away from the situation and toward her, start praying again at every meal. Try being short and sweet with your mealtime prayers.. maybe you will learn something by her reaction to seeing you say something wonderful to start off the meal. Focus on being her friend. Most importantly, trust in God. We face problems for a reason. Pray for the help/guidance of The Lord, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit.
Good luck!
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RE: Wife Hanging Out Late with Friends - 7/24/2008 6:44:23 PM
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JesKlu
Posts: 542
Joined: 4/16/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: MowTin
Lately, my wife has been staying out late with some new single friends she met. One male and one female. They all work together for the same company but at different locations.
Right now it's 3am and she's not home yet. She was out with them yesterday and the day before.
Am I overreacting? In my world view when you get married you come home at a proper time to your spouse. And honestly, I don't like that one of these people is a guy.
What do you think is reasonable?
I would say you have a right to be uncomfortable. Staying out until 3 AM with 2 friends, one being a guy, is worrisome to a marriage. But as other posters have said, you should say something like what MC4JC said:
quote:
"honey, I'm feeling really insecure and worried about things lately and I need to address this now. I'm worried about you staying out so late when you should be home sleeping with me. I don't want to imagine the wrong things. Help me understand what is going on and why. I miss you and want you by my side....."
That was really good. Use the "I" language, not the "you" language.
Your sister in Christ Jesus,
Jessica
_____________________________
And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, "Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.
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RE: Wife Hanging Out Late with Friends - 7/25/2008 4:37:03 AM
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manda59
Posts: 5705
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: MowTin
Also, I want a marriage counselor but I have NO IDEA how to find one. I don't want to go to my church for one.
You could look online, or you could *ask* your church for any recommendations without speaking to them about the actual issue.
_____________________________
"I love Manda's suggestion to just laugh most of it off.."
Tinkerbell, September 2008
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