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Why can't I remember? - 4/6/2008 10:23:17 PM
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PraisingSince04
Posts: 12
Joined: 11/7/2006
Status: offline
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Hi,
When I was fourteen years old (four years ago), I was raped four nights in a row by a guy that I trusted as my seventeen-year-old-"boyfriend". I accepted his claims that "I wanted it" as truth. I broke up with him after verbally, mentally and physically abusing me and bragging about what he'd done with me to all of our friends.. ruining my reputation as a "good girl" and giving me nicknames such as "freak" (which means crazy about sex).
There are two reactions to rape: withdrawing from men completely or becoming promiscous/using your body as a weapon against men. My reaction was the latter.
I then had a sexual relationship with another guy, who treated me much better, but still.. sex has no place in any relationship before marriage.
After my rape.. I stopped feeling. I smiled and laughed but true happiness eluded me. Sadness avoided me like the plague. Crying was suddenly a weakness.
I moved away. Then, I got saved, about nine months after the rape, in November of 2004. But I didn't accept the rape as rape until February 2005. Finally.. God got through to me and helped me to cry for the first time in nearly a year. God was, still is and always will be amazing! August of 2005, I forgave my rapist.
Now, April 2008. I can't remember it. I can't remember the actual acts. I remember what happened right before the first night.. I remember my head hurting because he was kissing me so vigorously and pushing my head against the boards of the bridge. I remember him forcing me to go down on him.. and that's it. I can't remember anything else.
It's the weirdest feeling. I know what happened.. but I can't remember it. I wrote a paper describing the night last September. I just read it, and there are so many details that I look at and say "did that really happen? am I falsely accusing him?"
I also can't remember anything about the man I willingly had a sexual relationship with. I know certain things and I know what happened.. I just can't remember it.
Why on Earth can I not remember anything no matter how hard I wrack my brain?!?
Earlier today I looked at the man I had a willing relationship with's myspace. He had a picture of himself and my rapist together (they're apparently good friends now). For awhile I just stared at that picture. My rapist looks exactly the same. But every once in awhile I would get distracted and then I'd look back at it and with that small glance I'd shudder very visably.
Does anyone have any experience like this or have any insight? Anything would be amazing.
The only reasoning I can really think of is that maybe God is helping me repress the memories so that when my boyfriend and I get married, it will feel as though I am a true virgin and it will be my first time. God could even repair my hymen.. which be amazing and a testament to God's love and pure awesomeness. But.. I won't know whether he has done that until proably right before I get married. (I'm going to go to a gynecologist to make sure I'm all good and to get a birth control before I get married).
Thank you in advance!
~Heather
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RE: Why can't I remember? - 4/6/2008 10:45:39 PM
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pbaribeault
Posts: 1040
Joined: 4/29/2005
Status: online
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Hi,
I had to respond because I feel such compassion for what you have written here. I'm so glad that God has brought you out of your despair!
There are 2 things I want to say. One is that whether or not God physically repairs your hymen, he has, by his blood made you pure. You are an entire new person - and that means that He has re-gifted you with virginity. Your body might not be brought along to that state again, but who you are - the real you - has already been redeemed and neither shame nor damage remains.
On the other side of things, I don't think that God works through repression. That sounds like an ordinary human reaction to trauma and shame... and I don't think it's going to help your wedding night.
Most women who are recovering from rape have strong flashbacks and major difficulties with sexuality early in their marriage. "Forgetting" is likely to make that much worse. You need deep recovery and probably the best course of action is to get into some trustworthy Christian counseling, where you would feel safe enough to revisit and work through those memories - this is an important part of recovery... and you really do want to be brave enough to 'go there' and work it out before you try to establish a sexual relationship with whoever will be your husband.
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RE: Why can't I remember? - 4/6/2008 10:52:44 PM
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IAMJulie
Posts: 323
Joined: 4/18/2005
From: WA
Status: offline
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I would say it's one of two reasons. One, you are repressing the memory because it's awful and you can't "handle it" and two, the sharpness of the memory is fading because you have worked through it and are healing. It's hard to say which it is for you. Through major counseling I worked through some past abuses in my life and know what it feels like to experience both. If you have not been through actual counseling for this issue, I would. Even if you feel alright about it now I would still go.
_____________________________
Julie, wife to Rob, mom to son Gabriel (2/04), daughter Zion (10/06), and son Gideon born 4/28/08, dog Towzer, cats Spot, Benny and Maisy, and many, many fish. Check out my blog at www.wellblessed.blogspot.com :)
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RE: Why can't I remember? - 9/24/2008 12:55:59 AM
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faithgirl777
Posts: 2
Joined: 9/24/2008
Status: offline
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I was raped from 9 to 12 by my cousin and now it has been 13 years i don't remember everything but i get flashbacks some times. I'm not mad anymore and I'm starting to forgive myself. I know its not my fault but the guilt will never be gone Its still hard to believe that i didn't provoke it somehow. well anyway i understand what your saying.
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