quote:

I guess I would like some advice on what I should do. Is it ok for me to walk away and not have her in my life?? I don't want her in my life at all.....I don't even want to see her. Is that wrong? I feel guilty for wanting my own mom out of my life. But I am so happy without her and I can't take it anymore. Any advice???

quote:

ORIGINAL: savior5683

Thank you all so much for your advice!

For many years now I have tried everything. Cried out to her, begged her, wrote her many letters, you name it. I have gently told her many times that I am willing to move on and forgive and that I just want to love her and that I need her love and so on but she won't change at all. I understand she has her own inner issues....but everytime I see her she destroys me.

Thank you all for your prayers. I know God will lead me and keep me strong. The pain is so strong cause she is my mother and she hurts me so deeply.

quote:

ORIGINAL: buckifn

You have a mother in name only. Accept that, pray for her soul and move on with your life.

People's choices have consequences..allowing your mother to face life with the consequence of her choices is not wrong. It may be the only thing that leads her to accept Christ.

quote:

RE: WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU HATE YOUR OWN MOTHER? - 9/28/2008 5:06:30 PM


Grace-N-Mercy
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Status: offline Savior, I am so sorry that you've endured so much hurt at the hands of your parents. I'm glad that you found the forums here... you'll find that there are a lot of very supportive people here.

I'm studying Christian Counseling and have just begun to touch on forgiveness therapy. It sounds like you could use someone supportive to talk to who could help you work through your feelings you have against your mother and bring healing to yourself. God wants you to be able to have healthy relationships. If you can, find a church that offers Biblical Counseling -- PM me and I can help you find a list.

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<-- Blue Ridge Mountains, Oct. 2006

"I'm looking forward to meeting Joe Biden. I've been hearing about him since second grade." -- Sarah Palin


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RE: WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU HATE YOUR OWN MOTHER? - 9/28/2008 6:31:23 PM


agapetos
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Posts: 5624
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From: This side of the lil duck pond!
Status: offline It took me a long time to realise that my mother was never going to be the mother I had needed when I was a child, nor the one I needed as an adult. I love her because she is my mother and brought me into the world etc but that's it. I don't bother talking too much with her about anything that concerns me or my life. She's simply not interested. It's hard to know that she cares for other people more than she cares for me (and my sister), while giving the illusion that she has done everything for her children.

My contact with my mother is mostly over the phone now ~ and that's my choice. I can end the conversation when I want to and do so, especially when she starts to attack someone else in the family.

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RE: WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU HATE YOUR OWN MOTHER? - 9/29/2008 5:48:56 AM


sgts
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Status: offline May the Lord be with you s5683 in your times of trial and tribulation. As a dude who has gone through scenarios similar to yours I know it can be hard and unreasonable; after all parents are supposed to be motherly and fatherly, and I can tell you how they can be pieces of **** and treat their children lower than ****. Its something that is happening a lot with the baby boomer generation, I really have no idea what thier problem is, but its a generation that started a lot of the problems that have come into this nation with the degradation of traditional values and tolerance of evil acts(not of people but the acts themselves, no one is without sin, but you say the murderer fell short of the Lord, you dont say murder is okay...).

I can say savior5683 that I never really felt loved by my biological parents. Even now I am an OIF vet as I served in Baghdad with the 1st Infantry Division, and I feel like I am still treated like an unwanted guest in their house. I dont expect love but I expect respect by G*d, and I will get it, even by force of violence. I have earned it plain and simple, yet still I am treated like dirt at times. So you are not alone in this. As sad and pathetic (for the people who treat you that way as they are dirt bags) as that is.

Its a difficult position for one as a Christian, as I want to love my parents, but Ive tried over and over and I have been betrayed too many times to ever trust my parents ever again. I keep them at a distance even though when I came home I wanted to start over and be part of a family, but that was an illusion and I knew it was. There is some innate desire to please the parents even in our case no matter what you do it will not be good enough.

I guess you have to have room in your heart for them no matter what in the name of forgiveness but its not your fault and you dont have to take abuse. Learn from it and never treat little ones that look to you, the way your parents treated you, and they will thank you for it. The Lord has a way of turning tragedy into triumph, and dont think that he forgets the downtrodden, I think he talks to them the most, but wont forget you when your better either.

Ill say a prayer for you.


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RE: WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU HATE YOUR OWN MOTHER? - 9/29/2008 12:02:07 PM


buckifn
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Status: offline You have a mother in name only. Accept that, pray for her soul and move on with your life. I always say the greatest thing my mother who gave birth to me ever done was give me away to someone else. She tried to reconnect with me later in life as if nothing ever happened and I told her you are my mother in name only and I really don't have any other thing to share with you now besides praying for your salvation. She died a terribe death alone and remorseful.

People's choices have consequences..allowing your mother to face life with the consequence of her choices is not wrong. It may be the only thing that leads her to accept Christ.


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RE: WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU HATE YOUR OWN MOTHER? - 9/29/2008 2:03:44 PM


shadowspring
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Status: offline quote:

ORIGINAL: savior5683

Thank you all so much for your advice!

For many years now I have tried everything. Cried out to her, begged her, wrote her many letters, you name it. I have gently told her many times that I am willing to move on and forgive and that I just want to love her and that I need her love and so on but she won't change at all. I understand she has her own inner issues....but everytime I see her she destroys me.

Thank you all for your prayers. I know God will lead me and keep me strong. The pain is so strong cause she is my mother and she hurts me so deeply.


Your mom sounds incapable of the true love of God, so forgive her for not giving you what you needed, and accept that she does not have real love to give. She is messed up, and that is not your fault. It is her own issue, and was probably true in her life long before you were born.

However, you were born (Yay! ) because the Lord loves you and wanted *you* to love. So embrace the good life God has given you, and let the Lord be your best friend, healer, lover of your soul, guardian and guide. He has always loved you, you know.

Once you have settled in your heart that your mom can not and will not ever meet your needs for a mother's love, you can determine how you can best honor her in obedience to the Savior.

I have a mom who never has and never will meet my needs and this is how I try to honor her: cards, phone calls and rare visits. The visits get more and more bearable as I have employed certain psychological techniques to keep from "getting hurt" and make time with her less aggravating.

The first book I read was "Toxic Parents" or something smiliar. It had great defensive tips in it, like imagining a force field around me and visualizing her cruel comments hitting the force field and exploding harmlessly without touching my heart. Sounds crazy, but it helps me.

Teh next book helped my redirect her behaviors when she is around me. It is called "Don't Shoot the Dog"; it's about the different behavioral modification techniques animal trainers use and includes way to use them in social interactions when heart-to-heart communication is not going to work- as in your situation.

Basically, take away the reward your mom is getting for her bad behavior- your emotion, most likely. When she behaves badly, leave the situation if possible, do not respond in any way at all if leaving is out of the question. Most likely she is used to the reward of becoming the center of your attention when she is cruel- you cry, yell, plead, or otherwise make her feel very powerful indeed.

I mean leave immediately. Say something to the effect of, "I am not comfortable discussing this with you. We can change the subject or I can leave."- then follow-through. You will need to this very matter-of-fact though, no emotion!

Then, call her out of the blue after a few days to say "hi". Keep it short and superficial, say "love ya" and get off the phone. This is the positive reward for not being a jerk that day. Only call on a day she has not behaved badly.

IF she starts back into the old pattern, say "gotta go, can't listen to this right now" and hang up.

Then continue to reward her when she behaves properly! While she is not whining about the past, make pleasant conversation. Go out for coffee, but be sure and take your own car so you can leave if she begins to misbehave.

Best wishes to you in your healing journey....

_____________________________

"Blessed is the man...whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law meditates day and night. He will be like a tree planted by rivers of water..." from Psalm 1


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RE: WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU HATE YOUR OWN MOTHER? - 9/29/2008 11:34:58 PM


jaimestarcross
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Posts: 793
Joined: 11/28/2005
Status: offline I think you need to set healthy boundaries with your
mom... when she gets offensive - ask her to stop or you're
not going to continue talking - visiting with her etc... it's OK to
remove yourself from someone who's not being respectful of you.

*Do you have a mother/father figures in your life?
Maybe it'd be a good thing to have such people in your life... since your
real parents aren't up to being loving, caring, supportive and trustworthy - the things we normally expect(and long to get) from our parents.


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RE: WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU HATE YOUR OWN MOTHER? - 9/30/2008 1:06:06 AM


Chrystal-J-007
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From: Detroit
Status: offline quote:

ORIGINAL: buckifn

You have a mother in name only. Accept that, pray for her soul and move on with your life.

People's choices have consequences..allowing your mother to face life with the consequence of her choices is not wrong. It may be the only thing that leads her to accept Christ.


That how I feel about my siblings. They treated me like garbage most of my life. I was hoping that somehow/someway we'd be like families on TV who have so much fun together. But, it just wasn't meant to be. So, in my 20's I moved on. I didn't realize that I should be praying for them until I was in my 40's. So, now I pray for them. But, I don't keep in touch. It's not good for my mental health to have to deal with their hate (of life in general).
Prayer and bible study has helpled me greatly. I never realized how much Jesus can lift the burden off your back until I handed it to Him.
I hope things improve for you.

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Worry looks around, Sorrow looks back, Faith looks up


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RE: WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU HATE YOUR OWN MOTHER? - 9/30/2008 2:56:41 PM


deermousie
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Posts: 1666
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: offline Oh, boy, lots of people here from abusive/negligent families.

You've been given good advice in this thread, Savior5683. Here's the facts as it seems to me (maybe this will help you; it does me):

- your father was a predator of the worst kind. God will judge him for this.

- he never showed remorse or made it right. God will judge him for this.

- your mother blamed you for his sin (on what planet would that be true???) - it sounds like she wasn't protective of you. God will judge her for both.

- your mother was not nurturing and she failed you. At least the school and police didn't fail you at the critical moment. God equates tenderness with nursing mothers; she wasn't.

- your mom blamed you when she's the one who picked a would-be child molestor to marry (ever consider you weren't the only one?) and she choose to stay with him and reject her dependent child. Lies lies lies.

What is your part in this? You were a dependent child who was nearly overpowered by a hideous sin and your parents failed spectacularly. They both turned in their parent cards, leaving you scared, alone, and blamed.

What kind of monster blames a child for their own gross sin? Your parents failed big time. (Hint: do not ever leave your own children when you have some alone with your father. Make no excuses or apologies - he's an unrepentant would-be child molestor. He can never be trusted, even when he's 80. If he argues with you, matter of factly tell him why and don't apologize for it).

Every person has two chances at childhood, someone has said: when you're a kid, and when you have kids. Be a pivot parent! A pivot is a hard point on which other things turn (like the frame under a teeter-totter). Become the parent your parents never were. You weren't protected; you protect your kids. You weren't nurtured - you nurture your kids. You sound like the kind of person who is already planning on doing this. You rock!

In honoring your parents, in the Hebrew that word honor means to give strong consideration or to weigh. Weigh what they did. Keep the good, throw out the bad. Meanwhile, maybe call them on the phone (maybe just on birthdays and Christmas), send them cards, support them in their old age if you have to but I wouldn't move them in with you unless your dad was totally paralysed. If they have means, put them in a nursing home if they need total care. Make sure they always have food and a roof over their heads, but it doesn't have to be yours. We can put a dangerous dog in a cage and slip a dish of food to it, rather than let it run loose, hurting others and starving.

Here's the hard part: they will probably never admit they were wrong. They will probably never admit you were guiltless, because then they'd have to admit they weren't. Some people would rather ruin another person than face their own sin. This is evil. This is wrong. This goes against God's plan for families and morality.

God has lifted you out of that home, and it's to your parents' shame that the police and school were more moral than parents were. You have been protected. You have had a lonely time of it and a terrible time with the accusations. Recognize the stench of sulfur when you are told you are bad or guilty. It's a lie. Shout it down, at least in your own head, with the truth. God is love, God loves you (the fact that you responded to Him shows that - dead people don't come when you call them), God has His love and joy for you. He tells the the truth about you - you are a saved sinner, beloved and being sanctified and made to conform to the image of Jesus (Rom. 8:29). You have a future forever with God who will never stop loving you and has a retirement plan that can't be beat!

I can empathize, Savior5683. My father was a rageholic who tried to murder my brother and spent my whole life screaming at me how stupid and worthless I was. My mother told me we were happy and loving - and if I ever told anyone or had a different opinion, she would disown me. She finally did when I objected that she kept putting my kid's life in danger. They never admitted to anything, and died in their lies. By God's grace I became a Pivot Parent, and my kid is trained in good life and godliness and knows she is loved.

And that's the whole key: God's grace. Forgive your parents but don't lie down in the driveway to be run over again by them. Accept they are broken and only God can change that (and might or might not). So pray for them. Then, turn around and face the lovely Savior and take His pierced hand (pierced for you because He loves you) and walk away, loving Him and doing what He teaches you. Enjoy the truth and the good life He gives you, and rejoice that your sins are forgiven.

God bless you, dear one. (((hugs))) I am praying for you today. What wonderful stories of redemption we have to tell in heaven!

_____________________________

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