Theory why single christian woman are not asked out by christian men
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Theory why single christian woman are not asked out by ... - 3/28/2007 3:27:04 PM
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joy2give2u
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Hey everyone I have been wondering why there are so many wonderful, Godly single women in churches today.
This past Sunday I was told of yet another wonderful woman of God, who after many years of being dateless to the point she began to think she would never marry, married a non christian man. Why was it so easy for her to find a non christian who was willing to love her as she was yet no christian men would ask her out?
As I reflect back on my life most the men I have dated or have shown interest in me are non christians. They are, for the most part, wonderful men who live their lives with integrity and honor. They reflect many of the characteristics of christians ,living their lives based with sound moral and ethnical standards,(despite what we christians seem to think there are many wonderful man who reflect Christ characteristic who have yet to declare him Lord of their lives)even though they are not christians. These men all voiced they were drawn to me because of my inner beauty. To them I was a "breath of fresh air" to quote one.
While riding, reflecting on my experiences and those of my friends, I came up with the following theory. I am interest in input by both male and female singles.
A non christian man, who lives his life with a sound moral compass, sees a christian woman's inner beauty and is drawn to her. He lives in a world were beauty, physical appearance and materialistic things dominate and he wants something different. He looks past those things promoted in his world in search of someone who is different, who has inner beauty.
A christian man, on the other hand, is surrounded by inner beauty. For him a woman with a gentle heart, kind spirit and servants attitude are common place, therefore, he is looking for the one who stands out in physical beauty and charm.
My theory.....Honorable, wonderful non christian men are searching for inner beauty because it is rare in their lives, where christian men are surrounded by inner beauty therefore are looking for outer beauty.
In your experience is there evidence to support my theory?
Do you believe it is true? if so why.......if not why not.
If my theory is true how do we christian woman get christian men to see us differently?
< Message edited by joy2give2u -- 3/28/2007 3:42:02 PM >
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RE: Why are there so many single women sitting in chruc... - 3/28/2007 3:30:27 PM
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dsfuva
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From: Virginia
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I can't speak for other single Christian men, but I've been shot down by the vast majority of the single Christian women I've asked out over the years.
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RE: Why are there so many single women sitting in chruc... - 3/28/2007 3:37:16 PM
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flirtnNconvertn
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From: Venus
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Cool thread idea Joy!! I've never thought of it that way, but you could very well be correct. Interested to see what the guys think. [goes back to lurk mode]
_____________________________
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
Miss Brit
"...let thy words be few." Ecclesiastes 5:2
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RE: Theory why single christian woman are not asked out... - 3/28/2007 4:04:00 PM
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John_O
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Interesting question Joy.
I can see the honorable non-Christian man being drawn to a Christian woman because lets face it, Christians just look better than non-Christians (The beauty inside shines through to the outside (see the beautiful thread too))
I don't have a complete answer for the Christian man's side. I don't know of any single Christian woman in my church that is available. (all either have boyfriends or have sworn off men for the moment.) Change that. I remembered one. She's my cousin by marriage and that would just be too wierd.
Christian men do expect inner beauty. After all we want Christian women and they are (mostly) beautiful inside.
Do we also want outward beauty. Of course, every man does (But the definition of outward beauty is different for each man). I think the difference may be that to the non-Christian man the general level of beauty is higher in the Christian world than what he normally has to face but to the Christian man the level of beauty in the Christian world is just the way it's supposed to be.
So your theory may be right as far as external appearance goes. Still have to account for personal tastes and desires (for example, I want kids so I don't even consider women who I know are done raising their families and don't want any more)
quote:
If my theory is true how do we christian woman get christian men to see us differently?
Be confident in yourselves and your looks (confidence makes every woman look better)
Be available to us.
Be friendly and don't shoot us down when we ask.
Any more than that I think ends up being in the case by case category
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Why are there so many single women sitting in chruc... - 3/28/2007 4:07:12 PM
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AlwaysR8chel
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.
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....... I was good with the title.
I think the men without Jesus in their hearts are DEFINITELY drawn to women with Christ in their hearts... and yeah... I agree that outward appearances, lovely or unlovely, are more acceptable to them... Basking in Light is wonderful for them... something exciting and new.
I think Christian men are frustrated with the actual 'Christian' label.... and because of this - are hestitant to make advances.
My brother posted something on myspace about this topic... and I agree with him:
quote:
You know why you don't find many solid single men in church today? Because real men don't feel like they fit in. This is what normal men do: They figure out what they want then go conquer it. They figure out what they love then die protecting it. They live and die by a code of respect. They think about sex and food. A lot. That's what they do. For all of us raised to be good little girls, we figure out what we want then struggle over whether its right or not, can't seem to find the testosterone to chase it, and we worry about what other people will think about us.
Men these days grew up trying to be 'good little boys'.... but that is not what God created them to be...
So now.... men are terrified to make decisions either way....
.......... my thoughts (and brother's thoughts, too).
_____________________________
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RE: Why are there so many single women sitting in chruc... - 3/28/2007 4:08:44 PM
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missmi
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I think that sometimes SOME Christian men can be ultra fickle. The ones that I have encountered come off very strong in the beginning and are usually turned off easily by something small and insignificant. I don't know if I'd say that they're looking for outer beauty to supersede inner beauty, but I definitely think that some of them are looking for someone as close to perfection as possible, because like you said...someone with good morals and good character and a Christian is common to them.
What I think differs in non Christian men is that they are often times more aware and tolerant of the flaws that perhaps do exist in the woman. Sometimes we as Christians do have that tendency to judge a person's every action, which can lead a person to be turned off easily if the woman doesn't measure up to their "standards"...which can sometimes be unrealistic. We're born again...but we still have flaws. Every Christian guy who's ever been interested in me always starts off with the "I'm lookin' for a wife" speech...That tells me that they're not interested in getting to know someone, grow with someone and learn their ins and outs....they really are just interested in a WIFE. I'm mean, YES, I want to get married, but Man! Can you slow it down a bit! That's way too much pressure when you're in the beginning stages (which goes back to that old discussion that churches are not touching the issue of how single Christians should even date...it's just boy meets girl, and they get married so that no one ends up sinning.) Non Christian men don't forget about the mechanics of the dating process, and things are able to flow naturally.
Just said a mouthful...can you tell I'm enjoying the forum?! 
As for me...it's never worked out with any of the Christian guys. And I happen to think that I have inner AND outer beauty, lol.
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RE: Why are there so many single women sitting in chruc... - 3/28/2007 4:26:46 PM
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John_O
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quote:
ORIGINAL: missmi
Every Christian guy who's ever been interested in me always starts off with the "I'm lookin' for a wife" speech...That tells me that they're not interested in getting to know someone, grow with someone and learn their ins and outs....they really are just interested in a WIFE. I'm mean, YES, I want to get married, but Man! Can you slow it down a bit! That's way too much pressure when you're in the beginning stages (which goes back to that old discussion that churches are not touching the issue of how single Christians should even date...it's just boy meets girl, and they get married so that no one ends up sinning.) Non Christian men don't forget about the mechanics of the dating process, and things are able to flow naturally.
This is a good point but let me ask a question. If the guy is looking for a wife and the woman is not looking for a husband, why should he bother sticking around? This kind of folds back into the friends and potentials discussions we had recently. If I am dating someone, and they are showing no intentions of working towards a marriage, then I am wasting my time with them.
BTW If they are looking for a wife then they are most definitely interested in "getting to know someone, grow with someone and learn their ins and outs.." How could they not be. They are planning to spend the rest of their lives getting to know this person who may end up as their wife.
The question that need to be asked is whether they should spend that time "getting to know someone, grow with someone and learn their ins and outs.." who will not be their wife (or who shows no interest at all in moving in that direction). That's investing a lot of time in a dead end relationship.
"I'm just not ready to get married" or "I don't want to think about getting married" is the same as "I just want to be friends". To a man it means "You can drop dead and I'd never even notice because I have no intention of ever dating/marrying you"
One of the reasons men break it off quickly is that we do know what we want. Unfortunately many relationships end prematurely because many men are not willing to wait and see if "must be able to bake a good loaf of bread" is really a must have or just a nice to have so they end up failing to compromise on the little things. And marriage is all about compromise. If you don't compromise (IAW Biblical precepts of course) during the courtship how do you expect to be able to agree during the marriage. Of course some relationships end right on time as we learn that we are incompatible in some way. Why continue dating if you're not going to marry.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Theory why single christian woman are not asked out... - 3/28/2007 4:34:07 PM
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joy2give2u
Posts: 5058
Joined: 9/19/2006
From: Indiana
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quote:
Do we also want outward beauty. Of course, every man does I agree every man does but it seems christian men see only what is before them where none christian men see our potential beauty......Like a flower.......a christian man isn't interested in a flower not in full bloom where a non christian man is willing to water and tend a flower he sees potential in until it blooms.
For so many years I have been praying a man, who I would marry, would see me through God's eyes and see all the beauty I have to offer. Several have seen me through God's eyes, thought I was beautiful and special, yet not one, was a christian. I just wonder why. Reason tells me it should be the other way........non christian men should see me through human eyes and christian men through God's eyes.
these threads are full of amazing women ,who shine brightly with a beauty of spirit which lights the place, yet lack self confidence in attracting a christian man......why? I know I am beautiful. I know I attract the attention of men. I am just wondering why not christian men? hmmmmmmmmm
quote:
Be confident in yourselves and your looks (confidence makes every woman look better)
Be available to us.
Be friendly and don't shoot us down when we ask.
I have confidence in myself, am available, friendly, and would never shoot a man down if he asked me out.......non christian men see these traits in me so ask, christian men do not.......It just bewilders my mind........ 
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RE: Why are there so many single women sitting in chruc... - 3/28/2007 4:35:33 PM
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dsfuva
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From: Virginia
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Rachel, thanks for your post. You and your brother have some good insights.
I also can't help but wonder if the practice of constantly castigating single Christian men for not pursuing single Christian women is driving some of them out of the church.
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RE: Why are there so many single women sitting in chruc... - 3/28/2007 4:38:38 PM
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wmicah
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I think one big reason why Christian men don't ask for dates is that we've all had the 'wait on God for His best' thing drilled into our heads for the past 25-30 years. 'Wait on God' tends to mean sit around and do nothing about your situation and expect God to magically plop a wife into our laps (or husband). Then there's the God's best thing; it can be very subjective. Well if she doesn't meet up with my physical standards then she's not God's best for me, or something to that effact.
I could write a lot more on this, but I'd like to read what others think as well.
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RE: Why are there so many single women sitting in chruc... - 3/28/2007 4:39:30 PM
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joy2give2u
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From: Indiana
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quote:
Just said a mouthful...can you tell I'm enjoying the forum?! I loved your post missmi.
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RE: Theory why single christian woman are not asked out... - 3/28/2007 4:45:03 PM
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John_O
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quote:
ORIGINAL: joy2give2u
these threads are full of amazing women ,who shine brightly with a beauty of spirit which lights the place, yet lack self confidence in attracting a christian man......why? I know I am beautiful. I know I attract the attention of men. I am just wondering why not christian men? hmmmmmmmmm
quote:
Be confident in yourselves and your looks (confidence makes every woman look better)
Be available to us.
Be friendly and don't shoot us down when we ask.
I have confidence in myself, am available, friendly, and would never shoot a man down if he asked me out.......non christian men see these traits in me so ask, christian men do not.......It just bewilders my mind........
I don't have an answer for you. I don't understand many things that God does (OK most things) so I don't know why so many ladies go wanting when obviously they are wonderful women. Does God reserve people for other people? I don't know for certain. I do know that until I met Michele I wasn't interested ingetting married at all. So maybe he did have me reserved for her. I just don't know.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Why are there so many single women sitting in chruc... - 3/28/2007 4:46:08 PM
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adoration
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quote:
ORIGINAL: joy2give2u
quote:
What *I* hear you asking is, "Why are there more single Christian women than single Christian men?" Would you agree? Is that your question? Hey spunky I changed it but still don't think I like the title..........The title was just to draw people in....
What I am asking is why single christian woman are less likely to get asked out on a date by a christian man then a non christian.
Why does it seem christian men, even on here, are looking for outward beauty while non christian men seem drawn to inner beauty.
Joy,
I am not sure why, because we have some bombshells around here, but they are still single, maybe it's because they are looking for a man who's man enough to go with them to Africa for the rest of their lives. 
I know of two pagent queens in our singles group who are really beautiful inside, so I'm not sure what their problem is.
We do not have a lot of younger men, as in: never-been-married, single, between 20-35. And we are careful about this... there could be a lot of guys who get the wrong idea coming to our church...
A girl asked a guy from our church where all the single eligible men were, and he promptly told her, "I am not really sure, but I do know where the prettiest single girls go to church."
_____________________________
Dancing in my Father's arms.
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RE: Why are there so many single women sitting in chruc... - 3/28/2007 4:49:04 PM
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John_O
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quote:
ORIGINAL: wmicah
I think one big reason why Christian men don't ask for dates is that we've all had the 'wait on God for His best' thing drilled into our heads for the past 25-30 years. 'Wait on God' tends to mean sit around and do nothing about your situation and expect God to magically plop a wife into our laps (or husband).
This is a good point. Lot's of guys with the "She'll just drop into my lap" viewpoint so they don't get out and look.
I know that God will bring my wife to me. I also know that I need to be ready to catch her when he throws her my way. so I've got to have my eyes (and heart) open.
quote:
Then there's the God's best thing; it can be very subjective. Well if she doesn't meet up with my physical standards then she's not God's best for me, or something to that effact.
Agian a good point. Perfect is the enemy of good enough. And the real problem is that God will bring someone who is perfect for us (I know he will for me as me and the Girl have been praying that for months) The difficulty arise in that God knows better what "perfect for us" means and we may not recognize it. Takes a lot of prayer and discernment.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Why are there so many single women sitting in chruc... - 3/28/2007 5:09:15 PM
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huskerjd
Posts: 246
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From: Bellevue, WA
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quote:
ORIGINAL: joy2give2u
What I am asking is why single christian woman are less likely to get asked out on a date by a christian man then a non christian.
Joy, I think one reason is simply a factor of the society we live in. I don't have hard quantifiable statistics to back up a number, but if I had to guess, I'd say the percentage of real, Christ-seeking Christians is somewhere around 5-10% of the population.  That might even be on the generous side.
Spunky discussed the factor of who we spend time with. And, even considering the factor that many Christians tend to surround themselves with more Christian people than they do non-Christian people, the point remains that we are a fairly significant minority in this country and the world. 
Therefore, if one is, say, at a function with a sample of people accurately representing the whole population (to make it a random example), and is asked out by another person, there is only a slight (using my estimate, 1-in-10 to 1-in-20 chance) that particular person is a Christian.  Simple statistics.
That said, I think another factor is that people, living in a fallen world, are drawn to good.  Everyone has a Christ-shaped hole in their heart, and many non-Christians see and admire certain aspects of THAT which they are looking for, in the Christian person they want to date. On the other hand, those who have already accepted Christ have filled that hole with the True Answer, and are less likely to try to fill a need in their heart with another human.
Two possibilities anyway, for what they're worth.
As far as external beauty, I think every man wants that. Some guys want it more than others, and some may even try to deny it, but men tend to be more visual in that way... and those who are completely honest would likely admit they prefer a woman who is beautiful on the outside as well as the inside. I'm not ashamed to admit it.... I want that. 
_____________________________
Jack: My tremendous intuitive sense of the female creature informs me that you are… troubled.
Elizabeth: I just thought I'd be married by now. I was so ready to be married.
«Jack pops cork from bottle & offers her rum, with a slight, tentative smile»
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RE: Why are there so many single women sitting in chruc... - 3/28/2007 5:19:17 PM
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adoration
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quote:
ORIGINAL: huskerjd
Joy, I think one reason is simply a factor of the society we live in. I don't have hard quantifiable statistics to back up a number, but if I had to guess, I'd say the percentage of real, Christ-seeking Christians is somewhere around 5-10% of the population. That might even be on the generous side.
Spunky discussed the factor of who we spend time with. And, even considering the factor that many Christians tend to surround themselves with more Christian people than they do non-Christian people, the point remains that we are a fairly significant minority in this country and the world.
Therefore, if one is, say, at a function with a sample of people accurately representing the whole population (to make it a random example), and is asked out by another person, there is only a slight (using my estimate, 1-in-10 to 1-in-20 chance) that particular person is a Christian. Simple statistics.
Well put Husker. That means there are anywhere between 15 and 30 million of us scattered across the US? That seems a bit high. Are those just singles? The only thing with stats is God loves to trump them.
_____________________________
Dancing in my Father's arms.
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RE: Why are there so many single women sitting in chruc... - 3/28/2007 5:28:44 PM
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missmi
Posts: 6
Joined: 3/27/2007
From: Louisiana!
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quote:
BTW If they are looking for a wife then they are most definitely interested in "getting to know someone, grow with someone and learn their ins and outs.." How could they not be. They are planning to spend the rest of their lives getting to know this person who may end up as their wife.
The question that need to be asked is whether they should spend that time "getting to know someone, grow with someone and learn their ins and outs.." who will not be their wife (or who shows no interest at all in moving in that direction). That's investing a lot of time in a dead end relationship.
This may be true, and I do understand where you're coming from, but what I meant was that the Christian men I have encountered are more in love with the idea of having a wife than actually falling in love with the person. Even though I am content in my single state, I wouldn't say that I am not ready if the right one came my way. The Holy Spirit would have to reveal that to me, though. It's just that I'm not very fond of men (Christian or otherwise) who go around quoting Proverbs 18:22 to every woman they meet...the first time they meet them. ("He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord" scripture.) To me, it comes off as desperate, needy, and a strong urge to fulfill their desires without being out of God's will. I want to be married too. I want a husband too. But a wise pastor once said, when you meet someone for the first time, you are actually meeting their representative, not them. I would much rather wait and let it be revealed to me what that person's purpose in my life is. Then if it's supposed to be more than friends, we can have that "I'm looking for a wife/husband" talk. I'd rather be friends initially, casually go out and get to know each other first and let God progress things than to jump out of the gate with a serious intent, only to find out a month later that he/she is not the One God had for you. Expectation levels and feelings are high on both ends at that point, and it becomes a little more difficult to deal with, especially if you thought there was a chance of something more developing. I'm coming from this perspective because I've had my heart broken a few times by really good born-again believers who thought "God had told them" I was the One. Every time, I was the one left holding the bag because my feelings were involved, when they just simply moved on because I just wasn't the one. (I later thanked God for all of these incidents, because they taught me a thing or two...and I now can just as equally say with confidence that THEY WERE NOT THE ONES FOR ME!)
Not just men know what they want. Anyone who is sure of themselves and fully know themselves knows what they want. I know that I want a man to know who he is and know his purpose before he steps to me. Then, I think it won't be a big deal to hurry and find his wife. We can just relax, have fun getting to know each other, grow in love, and have a wonderful, meaningful relationship that glorifies God and is a witness to others as God has ordained.
This has been a great discussion!
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RE: Why are there so many single women sitting in chruc... - 3/28/2007 5:34:46 PM
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