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Struggling with forgiveness - 9/27/2008 11:11:20 AM
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ames01
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I need some help on what it really means to forgive, and maybe some practical advice on how to go about the act of forgiving. I know that many (if not most) Christians have dealt with hurtful situations in their lives, so I'm hoping you all can give me some direction.
Someone very close to me betrayed me in a very painful way a few months ago. I've been working through the pain and praying for help in forgiving this person (and the others involved), but it's been difficult. Some days it seems like I'm making good progress, but other days I feel like I don't even want to try to forgive.
In addition to prayer, do you have any other suggestions to help me along in this process? Can I really say I've forgiven if I'm still angry and hurt about the situation? And how will I know when I have truly forgiven the person?
I know it's sometimes hard to give advice without knowing the specifics, but I don't want to post the details of this situation on a public forum. I would hate for the person to accidentally stumble across it and be hurt by it. So I apologize in advance if it's difficult to answer this, but I appreciate any help you can give.
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RE: Struggling with forgiveness - 9/27/2008 2:03:53 PM
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mvic
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Hi,
I'm truly sorry to hear your story. You don't have to (and shouldn't) post any details here.
You have been hurt badly, and the pain is still there. This is a natural human emotion. We can't help being in pain when things like that happen to us, we can't help being angry at those who hurt us, we can't help wanting or seeking some sort of retribution or revenge. All these are human emotions imprinted in our own DNA as it were.
Christians, (and others) will tell you to forgive and forget. This is good advice, but it is not always easy to follow.
For a start, you will never really forget. The memory will always be there. The greater you've been hurt the longer the memory will last. Do you think Jesus forgot what we did to Him? He has the scars in His hands, feet and side to remind Him everyday. And everytime He looks at them - He forgives us once again.
Which brings me to the second point: forgiveness. To forgive is a state of mind where you no longer harbour thoughts of ill-will, retribution or revenge towards those who hurt you. It doesn't mean the pain has stopped. Or the memory of the event has faded. It means you no longer hold the wrong-doings against them in your heart.
The only way to get peace of mind is to truly forgive. It's very difficult. But it's a conscious decision that you no longer bear any grudges against those who hurt you.
In time, with God's help, and with prayers, the pain will grow less and less. The memory, however, may always be there. Like Jesus, use it to forgive, again and again.
The mind remembers, but the heart forgives.
God bless.
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RE: Struggling with forgiveness - 9/27/2008 2:29:03 PM
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armydude
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I have found that the best way to handle the issue of forgiveness is to pray for the person that hurt you. Specifically pray that God bless them. It doesn't make sense on the surface, but it has gone the furthest toward helping me forgive others. You can't hold a grudge against someone when you're praying for that person.
_____________________________
No act of kindness is too small when measured by nail-pierced hands.
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RE: Struggling with forgiveness - 9/27/2008 10:03:58 PM
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agapetos
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Several people in my life have hurt me deeply. It's taken many years in some cases to forgive them. I've found that it's not an instant process, but steps ~ sometimes small, sometimes large ~ and sometimes it's almost 1 step forward, 2 steps back.
I think the thing about forgiveness is that we continue to work on it. Sometimes we will still feel angry about the hurt that has be caused and don't want to forgive, but with work and time, slowly, these feelings will change.
As has been said, the memory is not likely to go, but the feelings about will change through time, if you allow it.
_____________________________
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not using them in fruit salads!
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RE: Struggling with forgiveness - 9/28/2008 3:43:19 AM
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creationtalk
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I think it was Paul who said something about taking up our cross daily...forgiveness is a conscious choice, NOT a feeling. You can choose to forgive someone today...and need to forgive them again tomorrow for the same offense...because we can take back the hurt, anger, and bitterness that we let go when we chose to forgive.
Sometimes I get reminded of things that have happened in my life and I find myself having to forgive again...and again...and again...sometimes I get so ANGRY at a person from my past--14 years now--and have to again let go the anger and forgive again. Forgive means to not hold the offense against the person. God can forgive and never take it back. We as humans have to work a little harder at it.
For me, when the person or hurtful event crosses my mind, I do two things: I pray for the offender, and I ask God to show me the lesson that he has for me in that experience.
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RE: Struggling with forgiveness - 9/28/2008 8:29:56 AM
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ames01
Posts: 132
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Thank you all for your responses. It helps to know that other people have struggled with this too.
quote:
For a start, you will never really forget. The memory will always be there.
I kind of suspected that this might be the case. One of my friends told me that the hurt never really goes away, it just changes over time into a different kind of hurt.
quote:
Which brings me to the second point: forgiveness. To forgive is a state of mind where you no longer harbour thoughts of ill-will, retribution or revenge towards those who hurt you. It doesn't mean the pain has stopped. Or the memory of the event has faded. It means you no longer hold the wrong-doings against them in your heart.
So, let me rephrase what I think you're saying. When I have truly forgiven the person, I may still be very hurt by what happened, but I will have chosen not to hold the actions against them or seek retribution. Am I understanding you correctly? Right now I'm in a place where I don't want to personally take revenge on the person (well, maybe in my really angry moments). But I do have to admit to hoping that things don't work out well for them in their current situation, which was brought about by the betrayal. I'm not sure in this situation if that would be classified as ill-will or wanting justice to be done. Perhaps a little of both. At any rate, I am leaving it to God for Him to handle as He sees fit.
quote:
I have found that the best way to handle the issue of forgiveness is to pray for the person that hurt you. Specifically pray that God bless them. It doesn't make sense on the surface, but it has gone the furthest toward helping me forgive others. You can't hold a grudge against someone when you're praying for that person.
I've heard this from other sources too, so I know it's good counsel (thank you!). But wow, it's a tough thing to bring yourself to do. So far I have been praying for the person to repent and return to God, but I'm having trouble sincerely praying for blessings for them. Because if I'm totally honest, my fear is that if God blesses the person in their current situation, they will think it means that He is blessing what they did. I know that's wrong thinking on my part, though. Maybe if I start small, like praying for them to have a good day, that would help.
quote:
It's taken many years in some cases to forgive them. I've found that it's not an instant process, but steps ~ sometimes small, sometimes large ~ and sometimes it's almost 1 step forward, 2 steps back.
This really helps. It's good to know that it can be a long process sometimes. I've been feeling lately like I must not be a very good Christian, because of how hard it has been for me to forgive. Then (like mvic mentioned) I think of how much God has forgiven me for, and I wonder if it's hard for Him like it is for me.
quote:
For me, when the person or hurtful event crosses my mind, I do two things: I pray for the offender, and I ask God to show me the lesson that he has for me in that experience.
Thank you for the reminder that God is trying to teach me through all of this. That is something that I had forgotten somewhere along the line.
Edited to add: I forgot to mention that my pastor preached on forgiveness this weekend after I had posted this.
< Message edited by ames01 -- 9/28/2008 9:24:17 AM >
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RE: Struggling with forgiveness - 9/28/2008 11:34:48 AM
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mvic
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Hi Ames,
You say: When I have truly forgiven the person, I may still be very hurt by what happened, but I will have chosen not to hold the actions against them or seek retribution. Am I understanding you correctly? Right now I'm in a place where I don't want to personally take revenge on the person (well, maybe in my really angry moments). But I do have to admit to hoping that things don't work out well for them in their current situation, which was brought about by the betrayal. I'm not sure in this situation if that would be classified as ill-will or wanting justice to be done. Perhaps a little of both. At any rate, I am leaving it to God for Him to handle as He sees fit.
You understand me correctly. The hurt will always be there, but you will have chosen, (be determined to choose), not to hold the actions against them or to seek retribution. That's what forgiveness is. The pain and memories will remain. But consciously you will have determined to let it go.
Jesus has never come back and said: you crucified me, now I want to get even. He let it go. He asked His Father to forgive us.
Every now and then our human nature will wish that things don't work out well for them, that they get their just punishment as it were. That's our human nature speaking. When this happens fight it by asking God to help you truly forgive them. As Armydude said: Pray for them.
I find that praying for those who hurt me helps a lot. I say to God: I hand them over to you. Now please help heal the pain and hurt I feel.
God bless.
_____________________________
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RE: Struggling with forgiveness - 9/28/2008 6:14:10 PM
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agapetos
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quote:
I kind of suspected that this might be the case. One of my friends told me that the hurt never really goes away, it just changes over time into a different kind of hurt. Some of the people who've hurt me deeply, I think I've pretty much forgiven. Do I hurt about it still? I think that depends where I am emotionally. Sometimes, it's like a knife through my heart. But those times are few and far between. Most often, I feel sorry for them that there was something so wrong with their lives or them that they had to cause me pain in the way they did.
Pain and hurt changes ~ but we have to allow it. I don't know if you've ever broken a bone or had some physical injury that caused you physical pain? I broke my toe years back and not so long ago injured my knee. I know at the time, I suffered a lot of pain from those injuries. Over time though, the pain fades. Now I can say that the pain was incredible and I don't ever want to go through it again, but I don't really remember, unless I bang my toe (knee is a bit different, possibly because it's so recent). The emotional pain that I've been through, I don't ever want to experience again, but the pain itself is a distant memory.
Don't be scared about the hurt always staying with you to the degree that it is now. You sound as though you're taking steps to ensure that you're doing what you can to be healed through this.
_____________________________
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not using them in fruit salads!
My blog
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RE: Struggling with forgiveness - 10/11/2008 5:23:10 AM
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ames01
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What do you do when you find out that the betrayal was worse than you thought? I'm having trouble staying focused on choosing forgiveness with the additional hurt that seems to keep adding up.
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RE: Struggling with forgiveness - 10/11/2008 7:05:16 AM
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armydude
Posts: 16900
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ames01
What do you do when you find out that the betrayal was worse than you thought? I'm having trouble staying focused on choosing forgiveness with the additional hurt that seems to keep adding up.
The question then becomes about where your focus is. If your focus is on what hurts, forgiveness gets much more difficult.
If your focus is on Jesus, the additional hurt adding up won't be as much of a problem.
_____________________________
No act of kindness is too small when measured by nail-pierced hands.
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RE: Struggling with forgiveness - 10/11/2008 6:14:09 PM
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agapetos
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ames01
What do you do when you find out that the betrayal was worse than you thought? I'm having trouble staying focused on choosing forgiveness with the additional hurt that seems to keep adding up.
You take it one step at a time and keep forgiving. It is hard when someone hurts you and then we find out that things are bigger than originally thought ~ and sometimes even bigger and bigger.
I have been hurt badly (by someone I considered a Christian). Later I found out some additional betrayals caused by this person and later still, even more. It caused me to do things that I have had major difficulty in forgiving myself (not to mention this person) for and, again, it's not an overnight process (for me anyhow). Sometimes I feel very at peace about it all, sometimes it feels as though I'm being ripped apart.
I've had some therapy over the past few years and this situation has been touched on. I've also spoken with my doctor as I'll probably be having some more therapy (though I confess, I'd rather not need it!) for something else. My doctor said that she felt it was good that these things were 'coming out' so they didn't remain buried for years, causing me harm. She's right. It is better that these things are out. For me, different situations in my life have 'come out' in stages. I take this that it's God's promise to me that we will never be given more than we can cope with at any one time.
I'm not suggesting you need therapy ~ just trying to explain a little of my situation so you know you're not the only one who's been hurt and found to have been hurt more by the same person ~ and what I did about it.
_____________________________
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not using them in fruit salads!
My blog
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RE: Struggling with forgiveness - 10/11/2008 11:03:39 PM
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armydude
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You are very welcome Ames.
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No act of kindness is too small when measured by nail-pierced hands.
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RE: Struggling with forgiveness - 10/16/2008 11:31:14 PM
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Trusting.in.Him
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Ames,
I have good news for you!! Forgiveness is something that has always been hard for me. You know, it's always hardest to forgive when the person that hurt you is someone you love. Idk what your situation is, but I had a friend who'd hurt me deeply and I tried and tried and tried to forgive...no luck. But when I learned how forgiveness works, and how awesomely amazing the power of God is, that's when I gained victory!! Let me explain.
Unforgiveness is a sin. And we all do it. Yes, we all get hurt...and experience anger...but when we hold on to that bitterness, it really affects our relationship with God too...because we aren't allowing His love to channel through us like it should. A bit too figurative, eh? (I just hate it when people talk in figurative terms that can't be practically interpreted. But hopefully i can deliver!) There are times when you just have to be honest and admit to yourself and to God: I JUST CAN'T FORGIVE THIS PERSON. 'What? I thought you were supposed to grit your teeth and give it the best effort you've got!' Those were my thoughts. I thought that I was just going to have to bare down and fight against my natural inclinations until it worked...WRONG!!! There is good news. You don't have to do this. He'll do it for you.
"I can do all things by trying my very hardest and embracing feelings that are excruciating for me." That's what Philippians 4:13 says, right? Noo! I'm sure you know it. THROUGH CHRIST. When I first heard that Christ could forgive the person through me, I thought it was just more figurative, flowery church-speak. Not so! He will! All I had to do was
Confess my sin of unforgiveness
Tell God about what the person did
Be honest and tell the Lord that I CAN'T forgive the person. I just can't. But I know HE can, and ask Him to do it through me.
Pray for the person.
Now, I realize that this little 'formula' is not given like this in Scripture. That's why it's not necessary that you follow it exactly; the point is, realizing how important it is that you forgive, that it's necessary to forgive (if you need motivation for this read the parable in Matt. 18), and then just ask God to do it through you. I was skeptical, but I gained victory, realizing how AWESOME it is that Christ forgives me time and time again for all my sin, no matter what. What amazing love. And you can be a vessel for that same love! Great stuff, huh? :)
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RE: Struggling with forgiveness - 10/16/2008 11:36:07 PM
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ffbruce
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ames01
What do you do when you find out that the betrayal was worse than you thought? I'm having trouble staying focused on choosing forgiveness with the additional hurt that seems to keep adding up.
Others have mentioned it, and I'll restate the fact that forgiveness is a process. In fact I wonder if, when Jesus said that we are to forgive 70 x 7 times, he might have been meaning that sometimes we have to forgive the same offense nearly 500 times.
It's definitely a process, and it will definitely take time. But willfully saying, "Lord, I cannot hold this hurt and grudge" each time you feel hurt, will send you in the right direction.
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RE: Struggling with forgiveness - 10/17/2008 12:35:13 PM
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BeautifulFemale
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Here's a thought...
Stop repeatedly going over how hurt you feel.
Yes, you were hurt.
Yes, you didn't like what THAT person did.
But, you also have a choice to not respond in a negative way and once again...
Go over how hurt you feel.
The person who is most bothered right now, is YOU, therefore how is that going to resolve anything/help you go forward?
THAT person may have betrayed you, but what chances are there that you haven't/couldn't betray another?
In other words, you can have confidence in a person/yourself at that matter...but ONLY TRUST GOD.
If you never sinned, I think you have ever right to hold unto what you think you can't forgive, but only Christ can say that. Christ is God and was able to let go of His life for us...so by simply asking Him consistently ..I believe you will be able to let go of this...
I've had hard times and taking months to let go of broken feelings..however, I have learned that no one can hurt you unless you allow yourself to feel hurt. You can recognize what another individual has done, but step back and realize that you're responsible for how you deal with what has happened. Every emotion you feel is your choice and no one else's...
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RE: Struggling with forgiveness - 10/27/2008 2:01:41 AM
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Anamchara
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quote:
ORIGINAL: armydude
I have found that the best way to handle the issue of forgiveness is to pray for the person that hurt you. Specifically pray that God bless them. It doesn't make sense on the surface, but it has gone the furthest toward helping me forgive others. You can't hold a grudge against someone when you're praying for that person.
I think this is very sound advice. Afterall, in my experience it is the people that we deeply love that hurt us the most. Even though I am hurting, I still greatly desire that God would change their heart, and love them back into himself.
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RE: Struggling with forgiveness - 10/27/2008 11:54:08 AM
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DeeAnnBailey
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Forgiveness often means a daily act of saying God, it still hurts, give me the ability to forgive. He is faithful and He will.
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D. Ann Bailey
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<<<<<<The love of my life - precious Erin!
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RE: Struggling with forgiveness - 10/27/2008 3:45:51 PM
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armydude
Posts: 16900
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From: NC
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quote:
ORIGINAL: DeeAnnBailey
Forgiveness often means a daily act of saying God, it still hurts, give me the ability to forgive. He is faithful and He will.
Very true.
And it's important to remember that forgiveness is not saying that the person that hurt you is right. Forgiveness is saying that God is faithful and that He will do what is right.
_____________________________
No act of kindness is too small when measured by nail-pierced hands.
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