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Spouse wanting child to leave home - 10/2/2008 12:42:23 PM
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flowerz
Posts: 347
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From: Canada
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Sometimes when my husband is upset with our son, he talks to me about kicking him out of our home. He is only 14, and the things that make my husband upset are pretty minor. I don't know if my husband is serious, because he sometimes says things when he is upset that he doesn't mean.
If he ever does ask my son to leave, I can't imagine allowing it, considering his age and that he is a decent kid, never in trouble with the law or drugs or anything like that. Would I be doing the right thing in refusing to "kick" my son out? I know my husband would see it as me choosing my child over him, but I don't see it that way.
What are your thoughts on the situation?
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RE: Spouse wanting child to leave home - 10/2/2008 1:03:45 PM
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deedeeowens
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I would strongly advise against kicking out a 14 year old child. You and your husband have a responsibility to him morally and legally until he is an adult. I think you should encourage your husband to change his attitude. Even telling a child that you're going to kick him out if he doesn't behave is going to cause insecurity and abandonment issues. Your son needs to know that he is loved and wanted by both of you. The focus right now is to guide him and help him develop into a functional adult. Your husband is wrong!
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RE: Spouse wanting child to leave home - 10/2/2008 1:05:25 PM
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Mrs.X
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From: Newberg, OR
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I agree with Deedee. If something happens to him "out there" you and your hubby are responsible.
_____________________________
-Stina
From Sweet Grass to the Packin' House
A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. -Proverbs 15:1
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RE: Spouse wanting child to leave home - 10/2/2008 1:11:22 PM
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Sideways
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It sounds like your husband is in serious need of counseling. What he's saying is extremely harmful to the child, even if he doesn't really mean it. You are liable for that boy until he reaches 18, at least in the eyes of the law.
There are situations where you absolutely should choose your child over your spouse. Our children depend on us for protection, even if that protection must be from the other parent. Our spouse is an adult who is responsible for themselves. A husband, even if he's "the head of the family" is never more important then a minor child who cannot protect themselves from abuse, be it physical or emotional.
And threatening to throw out your son is absolutely emotional abuse. Be prepared to stand up for your son, even if that means calling authorities should your husband actually attempt something or having a safe house you and your son can run to if you should need it.
Any man that would threaten a minor child in such a manner is bad, bad news. Even if he doesn't "mean it".
_____________________________
This warranty does not include shark bites, bear attacks and children under five.
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RE: Spouse wanting child to leave home - 10/2/2008 1:18:52 PM
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Jenny-Fair
Posts: 6284
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Is your DH your DS's father?
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Ziva: It is possible. I do not remember all their names.
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RE: Spouse wanting child to leave home - 10/2/2008 1:24:40 PM
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Mrs.Wifey
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From: The Gorgeous plains of Colorado
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Jenny-Fair
Is your DH your DS's father?
That is my question, too.
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RE: Spouse wanting child to leave home - 10/2/2008 1:24:48 PM
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manda59
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From: Hampshire, UK
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flowerz
Does your dh say this just to you, or to your ds?
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"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
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RE: Spouse wanting child to leave home - 10/2/2008 1:30:54 PM
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Hislittleone
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Sideways
It sounds like your husband is in serious need of counseling. What he's saying is extremely harmful to the child, even if he doesn't really mean it. You are liable for that boy until he reaches 18, at least in the eyes of the law.
There are situations where you absolutely should choose your child over your spouse. Our children depend on us for protection, even if that protection must be from the other parent. Our spouse is an adult who is responsible for themselves. A husband, even if he's "the head of the family" is never more important then a minor child who cannot protect themselves from abuse, be it physical or emotional.
And threatening to throw out your son is absolutely emotional abuse. Be prepared to stand up for your son, even if that means calling authorities should your husband actually attempt something or having a safe house you and your son can run to if you should need it.
Any man that would threaten a minor child in such a manner is bad, bad news. Even if he doesn't "mean it".
This is worth repeating. I agree with what everyone is saying. Your husband is wrong. The Bible says not to frustrate our children (or something like that--paraphrasing) and I would definitely put this in the "causing frustration" category. He needs to stop saying this to your son.
And if he ever actually followed through with this threat and you allowed it then you'd both be failing in your God-given responsibility to care for this child.
I would never, ever allow my husband (bio. dad or step dad) to speak to my sons this way, much less actually kick them out of my home.
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RE: Spouse wanting child to leave home - 10/2/2008 1:58:48 PM
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flowerz
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Yes, he is my husband's son, and as far as I know, he hasn't said that to our son.
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RE: Spouse wanting child to leave home - 10/2/2008 2:10:03 PM
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Rayoh
Posts: 40
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Sideways
It sounds like your husband is in serious need of counseling. What he's saying is extremely harmful to the child, even if he doesn't really mean it. You are liable for that boy until he reaches 18, at least in the eyes of the law.
There are situations where you absolutely should choose your child over your spouse. Our children depend on us for protection, even if that protection must be from the other parent. Our spouse is an adult who is responsible for themselves. A husband, even if he's "the head of the family" is never more important then a minor child who cannot protect themselves from abuse, be it physical or emotional.
And threatening to throw out your son is absolutely emotional abuse. Be prepared to stand up for your son, even if that means calling authorities should your husband actually attempt something or having a safe house you and your son can run to if you should need it.
Any man that would threaten a minor child in such a manner is bad, bad news. Even if he doesn't "mean it".
This needs repeated even a second time if what your husband is getting upset over really is minor.
I'm sorry I can imagine what a difficult situation this must be to be in.
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RE: Spouse wanting child to leave home - 10/2/2008 2:43:25 PM
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Jenny-Fair
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quote:
ORIGINAL: flowerz
Yes, he is my husband's son, and as far as I know, he hasn't said that to our son.
I asked because I would have different responses. If he was my son's stepdad, for instance, what I would say would begin with 'how dare you' and end with 'don't let the door hit you on your way out'. But if he was my son's father, I would make it very clear that he has a major problem if he thinks normal teenage stuff (or even abnormal teenage stuff, for that matter) is good reason to FAIL AT BEING A FATHER, because that is what he is wanting to do. That is cowardly, unbiblical, and just plain wrong, and I would tell him so.
_____________________________
Tony: Ziva, did you kill Houdini?
Ziva: It is possible. I do not remember all their names.
My Blog
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RE: Spouse wanting child to leave home - 10/2/2008 2:49:47 PM
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Leslie_JnJs_mom
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I would make it very clear to your husband that if you have to choose between him or your son then you will choose your son. He cannot defend himself my you DH can. Your son is not even old enough for a job!
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RE: Spouse wanting child to leave home - 10/2/2008 3:27:34 PM
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manda59
Posts: 6025
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From: Hampshire, UK
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flowerz
Which one of you would you say this son is more like?
I'd also like to know whether this has been going on for a while, or whether it has only started recently, if there was anything in particular that may have prompted these reactions.
_____________________________
"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
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RE: Spouse wanting child to leave home - 10/2/2008 3:55:06 PM
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ladyingrace1979
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Let me give you a real life situation, it's different than yours but it illustrates some of the problems that can happen when a child is kicked out.
My sister and bil are divorced. My sister has custody of all of the kids. When my oldest nephew was 17, his mother kicked him out. Her justification was he was getting bad grades in school and was disrespectful. His father is living with and helping my mother. My mom didn't want to have my nephew there. So he moved into his girlfriends house. His girlfriend lives with an aunt and uncle who are at best deadbeats at worse verbally abusive to both my nephew and his girl friend. She is now pregnant, he dropped out of school, is working dead end jobs and at any moment under threat of homelessness.
Now I know this reads like a soap opera, and believe me if there were anyway possible I would have prevented it. But the people closest to my nephew have failed him.
Please don't even consider allowing your husband to kick a very young boy out. Do whatever you have to do to keep yourself and your son safe, hopefully in a happy, strong family.
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RE: Spouse wanting child to leave home - 10/2/2008 4:26:08 PM
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flowerz
Posts: 347
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From: Canada
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I'd like to thank you all for your replies. It is helpful to hear other people's thoughts on this. I have written my husband a note about it which I expect him to read later on today. I used some of your advice to give me ideas of what to say, which was a big help.
Manda, my son is a lot like his dad in personality. This isn't happening all the time, but he did mention something similar back in February, which I think was the first time. They had been getting along reasonably well this past summer, but they have had some problems getting along on and off pretty much since my son has been 5.
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RE: Spouse wanting child to leave home - 10/2/2008 6:37:36 PM
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manda59
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From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: flowerz
Manda, my son is a lot like his dad in personality.
flowerz
I wondered if you were going to say this - and I think it might be the key. Maybe he was like your son when he was a child, and maybe he was dealt with harshly. Maybe your son's behaviour is showing up some of his own behaviour, and he doesn't like it.
Does your husband realise that they are very alike?
_____________________________
"Once again....drum roll please! Manda is right"
doinkdom, October 2008
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RE: Spouse wanting child to leave home - 10/3/2008 7:17:09 AM
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Sadey
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Next time Dad says this, have some facts ready for him. Most states now make the parents pay for foster care, around 3 or 4 hundred dollars a month,and thats where your son would go.
Also you couldn't just get him back, no, there would be parenting classes, couseling, meetings with social workers, court hearings(guess who pays the legal fees), home visits, your son would come home for visits and you and your husband would be evaluated. Tell him all this or you could just tell him to knock it off with that kind of talk. It would be a much shorter conversation to tell him to knock it off.
Dad may just get frustrated but saying this is no different than saying "I want a divorce", every once in a while when you do something he doesn't like. Words are very powerful and you can't take them back.
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RE: Spouse wanting child to leave home - 10/3/2008 8:08:50 AM
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Sideways
Posts: 3718
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Thank heavens he isn't saying it in front of the boy (as far as you know), but it is still emotional abuse. Using words to cause deliberate and severe harm.
If he gets really bad, you can still ask the proper authorities how to deal with a man who is threatening harm to your minor children (and throwing out a 14 year old is definitely harmful). I still encourage counseling for him and you, and you alone if he will not go.
A guy like this won't be swayed by you being more submissive or your son being more obedient. He needs a real change of the heart. Whether that comes through Christian counseling or you standing up to him with a police officer at your side... that's up to him.
_____________________________
This warranty does not include shark bites, bear attacks and children under five.
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RE: Spouse wanting child to leave home - 10/3/2008 8:43:18 AM
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emjayzee
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Does your husband spend a lot of time with your son? Even just things like taking him to sports practices or other activities? Is he involved in his schooling, at least knowing his teachers names, which subject he likes/dislikes, etc? If not, it may help him to get involved.
I have seen parents (fathers in particular) become very frustrated dealing with their kids because they just didn't know them well enough. If you are only, or mostly, interacting with your child in situations involving discipline, then you get a lopsided view of your child. You think they are "always screwing up" when, in reality, they may be doing some really great things.
_____________________________
unicorns borrowed from Matthew Webber, copyright 2002
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RE: Spouse wanting child to leave home - 10/3/2008 11:31:07 AM
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coolfamily6
Posts: 257
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quote:
Does your husband spend a lot of time with your son?
My son is 12, he and I are so much alike it drives me crazy. DH started doing homework with him years ago because he would "fight" me not literally but it was a battle. They also have a hobby that only the two of them do (Frisby Golf) it has grown their relationship and I have seen a difference in ds.
_____________________________
If your bible is a mess; your life won't be.
~Encouragement a mom gave to our children at our First Grader's Bible Ceremony!
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RE: Spouse wanting child to leave home - 10/3/2008 1:25:09 PM
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2shaye
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I think it's hard to judge someone else's family situation. It sounds like maybe your dh is frustrated and doesn't know how to deal with the current stresses your son is bringing. They may be normal, they may not be. You son is at a difficult time in his life and maybe your husband is at a difficult time in his. I think you all need some family counseling.
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aka Skipperjoe
I Love New York!
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RE: Spouse wanting child to leave home - 10/3/2008 2:12:34 PM
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3cappuccinosmom
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I agree with the others. You need to be clear with your husband that if it comes down to choosing between your *child* and a grown, unreasonable man, you'll be Mama Bear all the way.
I think Manda really hit on something with the personality question. Dh and I have both found that we get incredibly, unreasonably upset when we see our children manifesting parts of our personalities and behaviors that we know are unacceptable. And of course, the more like us the child is, the more we tend to clash. 
On the other hand, I wonder if your husband just feels at a loss with your son, especially if you take your sons side when he truly is misbehaving. While still being clear that your son stays in the home, is there anyway you could look at maybe backing your husband up at times? Is your son disrespectful, or flippant, or rude? Just because your husband is at the extreme end and ready to give up doesnt mean you need to be at the other extreme and letter misbehavior pass.
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 Moo
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