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People Who Can't Take Criticism - 9/23/2008 3:33:21 AM
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imit8him
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I'm sure every single person here has struggled with this at some point in their lives.....I'm talking about being unable to take criticism (well or at all). Whether we've been the ones to be slow or unreceptive to criticism or others have been towards our criticism, I think it's a common problem I find in many people and particularly in instances when I get "close" to another individual.
I had the toughest time even hearing criticism about myself from others without getting upset up through my mid-20's and even now a few years later I sometimes take it harshly. I guess one thing that changed was meeting an awesome Christian role model, who gained my trust and took the patience to criticize me in loving ways and even apologizing for when he felt his criticism towards me was overdone. I learned to trust and love my friend and accepted his criticism fairly easily..even to the point of desiring it many times. I would ask him what he felt and told him to be honest with me. He is probably one of only two people in my life who I trust and desire honest criticsm from, because I know they care and they do it with such skill and love.
Having said that, I have found in my own life that it is difficult to offer criticism of others without people getting very defensive, arguing, and then completely disregarding it. It's frustrating, because I think close friendships can only develop if a person is able to receive criticism and improve, but also if the giver of criticism is doing it the right way (which I've carefully thought about and tried to model from those who I respect...so I do think I am doing it correctly most of the time.).
I have found that personally almost EVERY single one of my friends cannot take criticism...I mean not even well or at all. The ONLY one who can is my closest friend/mentor, whom I myself learned to take criticism from. I don't think he considers me his closest friend, but I consider him mine. He's probably got a lot of people who think that about him, because of his spiritual love and maturity and likeability. ....but I digress. 
I am curious how to handle people and relationships in which one side is unable to accept, but in dire need of criticism. I often find this to be one of the most common barriers to deeper friendship with others. Criticism can be very painful, but when done correctly, justly, and with the right intentions, it brings people to greater joy, closeness, and spiritual maturity. But it's so hard and rare to find this happening regularly.......
Just the other day, a friend of mine was doing several things wrong and I tried to point them out at which point he got very defensive and almost seem to sulk and show himself to be a victim. He got offended and didn't want to talk to me. He was so emotionally wounded it seems that I would even point out his flaws he didn't look at the flaws themselves. And these were very obvious flaws.
I seem to see this a lot in friendships of mine....almost always with non-Christians, except for one person I know (he's not Chritsian, but he's a very socially humble guy). I would get to a certain level of friendship and trust and feel the need to point out something that either bothers me personally or that is flat our a sin/wrong and try to do it in a way that shows my love and also in a supprotive tone, etc. and the person/people would still get very mad and defensive and go into denial and justificatiosn. These conversations usually lead to a kind of gap in the relationship when the criticism is one that is part of the relationshi/friendship itself.
Is there a next step that can be taken in situations after which you've given someone criticism and they do not except it? Should you try to broach the subject again later? Should you let it go? What if it still bothers you? Does it just mean that the person is not ready to accept the criticism and the relationship/friendship cannot go further until THEY do...like the ball is in their court from then on?
How do you deal with people in these situations? Thanks and God Bless all!
-Imit 
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RE: People Who Can't Take Criticism - 9/23/2008 9:41:23 AM
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Szaftoo
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I think it depends on the person giving it, how they give it and how often. If I am criticized by someone every time we are together, I might have a problem with it. Usually when criticism is given, the person already knows there is a problem and accepts it because they have been convicted of it already.
I much prefer holding someone accountable than criticism.
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RE: People Who Can't Take Criticism - 9/23/2008 10:06:29 AM
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buckifn
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You have to find a way to turn even the negative into a positive. For instance, don't just say "that outfit looks terrible on you" find something positive to say about the color or something and have a positive suggestion for a more appropriate style.
The point is ALWAYS accentuate a positive too.
What has been your method so far?
My exp. is it's best to pray and ask God to guide the person more than it is to offer my own opinion unless it is asked for.
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RE: People Who Can't Take Criticism - 9/23/2008 10:23:11 AM
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agapetos
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My first thought when I read the thread title was 'People who can't take criticism shouldn't criticise others'...
quote:
Just the other day, a friend of mine was doing several things wrong In who's eyes was it wrong? How do you know that wasn't the way he had been taught to do something or that the end result wouldn't be the same? I have a friend who does subtraction (maths) in a whole different way to me ~ and it makes no sense what-so-ever ~ nor does mine to her. Does it matter? Not really, we both end up with the same answer if we do it properly.
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I would get to a certain level of friendship and trust and feel the need to point out something that either bothers me personally or that is flat our a sin/wrong and try to do it in a way that shows my love and also in a supprotive tone, etc. and the person/people would still get very mad and defensive and go into denial and justificatiosn. Perhaps you're judging a non-Christian by Christian standards. If you feel that something someone is doing is wrong, then perhaps you can politely explain that you're a Christian and that while you enjoy the relationship you have with this person, it's really hard for you to watch them get drunk/hear about their latest sexual exploits/whatever and you'd prefer to not watch/know about it.
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(which I've carefully thought about and tried to model from those who I respect...so I do think I am doing it correctly most of the time.).
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I have found that personally almost EVERY single one of my friends cannot take criticism...I mean not even well or at all. Perhaps you should think about those 2 sentances? You think you're doing it correctly, but none of your friends can take your criticism? That should indicate something to you perhaps?
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The ONLY one who can is my closest friend/mentor, whom I myself learned to take criticism from. Interesting isn't it, that the person who you can successfully criticise is the one who you learned to take criticism from.
There is no one rule to how to criticism someone 'successfully'. You have to adapt to fit the individual people who are concerned. The way your mentor criticised you may have worked for you, and it may work when you criticise him, but it may not work on other people.
_____________________________
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not using them in fruit salads!
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RE: People Who Can't Take Criticism - 9/23/2008 11:02:32 AM
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NoShow
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I think your post answered your question:
quote:
ORIGINAL: imit8him
He is probably one of only two people in my life who I trust and desire honest criticsm from, because I know they care and they do it with such skill and love.
Your other friends are very similar to you. It sounds like they don't see you, the same way you see your mentor\friend and respond in a similar manner to you, as you do to your non-mentor friends.
quote:
if the giver of criticism is doing it the right way (which I've carefully thought about and tried to model from those who I respect...so I do think I am doing it correctly most of the time.).
What you think doesn't really matter, it's what your friends think. Some constructive criticism to you here might be, "even though you think you're doing it right (i.e. the way you would want to receive it), it's the wrong way for the friend you're trying to give it to."
quote:
I have found that personally almost EVERY single one of my friends cannot take criticism...I mean not even well or at all.
When it's "everyone" else, we often have to ask if "we" are the common denominator.
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I am curious how to handle people and relationships in which one side is unable to accept, but in dire need of criticism.
This is golden wisdom. You can not "make" someone accept criticism. And "need" is subjective.
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I often find this to be one of the most common barriers to deeper friendship with others. Criticism can be very painful, but when done correctly, justly, and with the right intentions, it brings people to greater joy, closeness, and spiritual maturity. But it's so hard and rare to find this happening regularly.......
I agree with much of this. Though I focus more on appreciating when it's there, rather than trying to force it when it's not there. Not everyone is going to want a deeper relationship\friendship with you. Some of the people you may want it with, won't want it with you. And some of the people you don't want it with, will want it with you. That's what happens, since there's two of you.
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t seems that I would even point out his flaws he didn't look at the flaws themselves. And these were very obvious flaws.
Once again, you can't make people see things they don't want to see.
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I would get to a certain level of friendship and trust and feel the need to point out something that either bothers me personally or that is flat our a sin/wrong and try to do it in a way that shows my love and also in a supprotive tone, etc. and the person/people would still get very mad and defensive and go into denial and justificatiosn. These conversations usually lead to a kind of gap in the relationship when the criticism is one that is part of the relationshi/friendship itself.
Not being there, I don't know how you "sound" to your friends, when you do this, but to be honest, it doesn't "sound" loving to me when I read it.
quote:
Is there a next step that can be taken in situations after which you've given someone criticism and they do not except it? Should you try to broach the subject again later? Should you let it go? What if it still bothers you? Does it just mean that the person is not ready to accept the criticism and the relationship/friendship cannot go further until THEY do...like the ball is in their court from then on?
I think you have to decide what the friendship is built on. And you have to ask yourself what you're willing to do. Are you willing to love your friend, even if they don't change in the area, you're criticizing? Are you willing to "let go" of it, not let it bother you? Approach it as if, your friend doesn't need to do anything different and you need to do everything and you can't criticize anymore.
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RE: People Who Can't Take Criticism - 9/23/2008 11:08:01 AM
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Auben
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Why do you feel others should change just because you think they're doing something wrong?
That's what I got from your post.
A criticism should always be phrased in a way which tries to help the other person, but we also need the ability to accept our friends as they are. They may not do things 'right.' They may not receive our help. Then we pray for them and model the way for them.
Some people are damaged or unsure of themselves. They are often sensitive to criticism and we should be sensitive to their needs and find ways to help them do the right thing. Sometimes asking questions can do this. The Socratic method can be a nice, indirect way to show someone the correct path (or what you consider to be the correct path).
If everyone you know reacts badly to your criticism, perhaps you need to fine-tune the way you give it. Whatever the case you need to concentrate on making yourself a better friend to the friends you have, not worrying about how they could become better friends.
A good friend who agrees with us a majority of the time and is secure enough in themselves and in our friendship is a rare and wonderful thing. Don't think worse of people who don't line up on all those points.
< Message edited by Auben -- 9/23/2008 11:28:43 AM >
_____________________________
Tamara
~Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time~
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RE: People Who Can't Take Criticism - 9/23/2008 12:26:06 PM
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imit8him
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Hey deermousie, 
I agree a lot with your comments and my closest Christian friend often tells me the same about making sure the person knows you care about them, before you offer criticism. That's almost always universally true from what I've experienced. With the exception of only a few very humble and mature individuals, I've found that any time you offer criticism that it works best if you truly show you care for the person and are on their side and take note of your tone of voice when you do it.
Wow, it actually sounds like the other posters are blaming me for not knowing how to give criticism and doubting me and already accusing me of other issues.  I'm not going to respond to those comments, because they already assume I am wrong and don't whatsoever give any benefit of the doubt.
But I think the original question still remains for me of how to handle a person who continually sins and refuses criticism and rebuke?
The one friend I have who is a professed Catholic is the toughest example I have. I've stuck around for a while, despite being concerned about his character trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and trying to see what his backgrond and motivations are, but whenever he curses, or brags about his sexual conquests (he is in active sin), or gets easiliy angry, or starts gossipping, make racist remarks (this is probably his number one flaw), or puts others down, I cannot take it. It's gotten to where I've had long conversations lasting up to two hours trying to tell him he is wrong and that he needs to change his heart before Christ and that even I cannot stand by and indulge his wicked thoughts, but time after time I find he gets very defense and upset and will go into denial or justification mode (things like "we're all sinners, come man...everyone has sex" ....or "Yeah, I probably shouldn't have cursed like that, but it was the most accurate way to put it..." etc. ...). At worst, he'll actually not even seem to rationally take this criticism at all, but instead he'l actually start attacking me!   
It will go from me telling me something so obviously wrong to him saying "You know...you're no better of a person. You some hypocrite. I've seen you get angry in the past and do this or that.".......And while it may be true that I yelled at someone from angry before, it had nothing to do with my original points about him. It's just a big barrier when someone cannot seem to take criticism, because it's like I cannot go any further in a friendship like that. They not only do not acknowledge they have this weakness, but go as far as to flat out deny or justify it and go back to attacking me for some reason. 
I brought this up mostly because I've had this happen twice this week. Once with the Catholic friend yesterday and another with someone else and I was thinkiknga bout this and just frustrated at times. It's not so bad when the individual acnowledges slowly or wants to clarify criticism, before accepting and working with/on it, but it's these instances where they turn and attack you and show much anger over an obvious flaw that things are difficult to deal with. Hmmm, oddly, my mom is like that, lol.
Ok, back to work....I am gonna check back later. Lunch and work. TTYL everyone,
-Imit 
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RE: People Who Can't Take Criticism - 9/23/2008 12:52:43 PM
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evryknee
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Why people can't take criticism...
1) It's stated in a condemning way (in other words, the person criticizing hasn't first taken the log out of their own eye first (in humility)).
2) The other person's identity & self-worth is found in the opinions of other people or in performance
3) They didn't ask for it
As I wrote some songs, I would ask my wife's opinion (as I valued her opinion) and she would constructively criticize them. I took it as an insult that she did not like the as I did and took it not as a rejection of my song, but of me. Since then, I've learned to separate the two and actually listen to the feedback. My reason was #2 above.
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RE: People Who Can't Take Criticism - 9/23/2008 1:28:03 PM
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imit8him
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Auben
Perhaps if you prayed before dealing with this individual. I think you're expecting your criticism to do the work of the Holy Spirit in this man's life.
Obviously what you're doing now isn't working. Why not go before the Lord and find a better way to reach this man? Where we can't succeed, He can.
It's also important to know that sometimes what we're doing is right, but it does not reach the other person so the way we are doing it is wrong. It can take prayer, changing tactics, or even silence to reach the person with the truth. Please carefully consider these words and ask for the Lord's leading.
quote:
Wow, it actually sounds like the other posters are blaming me for not knowing how to give criticism and doubting me and already accusing me of other issues. I'm not going to respond to those comments, because they already assume I am wrong and don't whatsoever give any benefit of the doubt.
I find it slightly ironic that you're having trouble with a little criticism.  
I don't appreciate your tone, nor comments. Prior to writing my OP, I suspected some quickly judgmental people might try to point out the exact criticisms about me that I left myself open to by saying that my friends don't take well to criticism. I knew in advance and even antipicated (after being a member of this forum long enough to see this in people) that they would think that way a suspect I had the issue and not my friends.
And my last post, I highly suspectedf someone would try to say isn't it ironic that I cannot take criticism, when I don't think they really tried to take more than 10 sec. to see into what I was saying. I leave myself open to it even now. While I am confident in myself (not arrogant), I honestly don't enjoy this conversatoin much anymore and don't appreciate your comments/tone.
You can come back and say that I am somehow immature and I have problems or what not. I'm simply going to ask people I trust in real life about this question. I'm sorry I posted this question.
To those that were helpful and kind, thank you all.
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RE: People Who Can't Take Criticism - 9/23/2008 1:32:18 PM
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imit8him
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This is maybe an overreaction, but I no longer enjoy coming here to CrossWalk. I just know in my heart that I ask sincere questions and I say honest things and yet some people just have to accuse and see bad things in me. They cannot see it any other way.
Please forgive them Father.
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RE: People Who Can't Take Criticism - 9/23/2008 1:37:38 PM
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Sadey
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I'm wondering do you do a lot of criticizing or is it a once in awhile thing?
It sounds and I could be wrong that you do a lot of that? I"m just asking and the fact that you became defensive about the other post sort of answers the question.
If your Catholic friend is so terrible why are you hanging around him so much?
I guess I'm just having a problem understanding. I'm a little slow. Its a lot easier to be an encourager than a critcizer. I always feel that a person who gets in trouble criticizing may not be minding their own business enough? If someone is stuggling with a sin or issue, they don't need me pointing it out ot them, especially if I know they are aware of it.
Maybe back off from the criticizing for awhile, take a sabbatical from it and see what happens?
God bless you as you sort this out.
I wrote this before reading the last messages from the poster. I guess I was too late.
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RE: People Who Can't Take Criticism - 9/23/2008 1:48:58 PM
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Auben
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What tone? This is the internet. It doesn't have a tone. Smileys do, but I thought I was clear enough with my joking and winking face.
I'm sorry you don't enjoy Crosswalk. It is difficult to ask for an opinion and receive answers that you don't like.
I still don't see how asking you to seek the Lord for a new way to deal with this man (or various individuals) is tantamount to telling you you are immature. I've never said one bad word about you. I've never called you names or said you were wrong to correct a friend.
If something isn't working though, don't you want to find a way to make it work?
I suppose not. But if you just want people to agree and commiserate with you about this please be more clear in your first post. Then we wouldn't try to fix what you clearly don't think is broken.
May God guide you on this issue.
< Message edited by Auben -- 9/23/2008 2:07:33 PM >
_____________________________
Tamara
~Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time~
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RE: People Who Can't Take Criticism - 9/23/2008 2:44:30 PM
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shadowspring
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quote:
Wow, it actually sounds like the other posters are blaming me for not knowing how to give criticism and doubting me and already accusing me of other issues. I'm not going to respond to those comments, because they already assume I am wrong and don't whatsoever give any benefit of the doubt.
LOL! I was thinking the same thing Auben wrote, and not at all to dis you imit8him; it IS ironic!
Replace the word "comments" with "criticisms" and that is exactly how your friends seem to be feeling when you offer help. They feel blamed and doubted and accused, just like you do.
Really, the best thing to do is pray for people, and only offer your opinion if asked.
Even then they may not like what you have to say, but at least you can say, "Hey, I didn't bring it up...you asked me."
A smiling, happy person who is able to laugh at themselves is probably the kind of person we all take criticism from best.  Strive to be that kind of person- light-hearted and humble.
Not only might you get a better result (no guarantees ) but then even if you don't it will be easy to laugh it off and let it go.
_____________________________
"Blessed is the man...whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law meditates day and night. He will be like a tree planted by rivers of water..." from Psalm 1
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RE: People Who Can't Take Criticism - 9/23/2008 3:42:49 PM
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imit8him
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I don't have anything more to say here. I feel misunderstood and accused of things without people trying to see what I'm saying to begin with. I already explained I felt people were misunderstanding and accusing me of things and jumping to conclusions. I did not like that. I did not like that I do not know you and you leap to conclusions and try to be sarcastic and/or criticize me without doing it properly or taking the time to do it in a loving context or getting to know me.
No, I don't want people to support me emotionally only and disregard everyone's criticism. That just felt like another out of line attack. Why do you assume that and not take time to read what I'm saying? It's like you're sitting there thinking "Oh look at this immature guy who can't take criticism and he's probably a failure with his friends because he can't give sensitive criticism. It's his fault not his friends. Oh wait, there he goes again, he's proving it again by how he's reacting. Oh wait, he's probably tso immature he just wants us to agree with him and pat him on the back. ...Look at him." That kind of quick assumption. I didn't see that coming. I opened myself up to that by being honest, but it felt like you made quick assumptions and attacked me.
I don't know how to explain anymore without being upset and probably violating my own standard and social etiquette here by acknowledging both false and unloving accusations. I'd rather just walk away here. I accept your points of view and will just respectfully disagree. I feel just a little misunderstood. I guess I know what's in my heart and I am not thinking the things people are saying about me suddenly. 
As far as the answers to the questions you asked me, if you genueinly want to get to know me and really care about the questions/answers, here they are:
I don't hang around my Catholic friend much anymore after we had a fall out a while back. I found him unrepentant about many sins and unable to accept criticism or rebuke and since we do not attend the same church, I had no way to take it up further with church, unfortunately. I had to create distance between us. I'll still answer emails or calls when he is in need, but I don't seek him out or try to seek his help. Yesterday we had a difficult argument (when he sought me out) in which his sinful nature reared its head and he was unrepetant and defensive and attacked me when I tried to remind of it. He said that I was the one not being a friend. It's a long story, but it's ok. I won't get into it.
With my other friend and others, I have found this happening a lot. I don't criticize them regularly. Maybe twice a year or once a year. But it's usually with issues that they did something that clearly offended me or I feel is harming them. I generally take the time to think about what to say and how to say it and with mature Christians it usually works well. They can see the point and have the spiritual maturity and sensitivity to Christ in them to acknowledge what is happening and want to change. I don't have that many close mature Christians friends unfortunately. My only mature Christian friend is someone who probably doesn't see me as his closest friend, but loves me and has helped me grow. He is someone that models loving critique and the ability to accept criticism well. He's a guy I admire a lot and everyone seems to flock towards. I know with my own friends, who are not as mature in Christ or non-Chrisitans, it's a lot different. They do not take well to criticism and I don't find I can really get deeper into a relationship with them. ......It's frustrating, because we all want close friendships with people who share our faith in Christ. And sometimes I get to a point where I feel that cannot happen.
It's another post, but maybe God is telling me I need to seek out relationships with different people. I know I desire that at this point in my life. I was immature much of my life and living without Jesus. And I made many friends with people who were like me and now that I want something deeper, I find it hard. ....
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RE: People Who Can't Take Criticism - 9/23/2008 3:44:04 PM
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imit8him
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I will maybe continue later, I have to go now and finish some documents for work.
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RE: People Who Can't Take Criticism - 9/23/2008 3:52:47 PM
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Sadey
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Thank you for answering my questions. I just talked to my dear dear long time, 30 years, friend who is a strong Christian. While I was talking to her and laughing about our latest "growing in the Lord" I thought of you and your situation.
I think in all the years I've been friends with her she has never criticized me. Nor I her. We have talked through so many problems and situations that I have asked her for her opinion and insight on many many things. Never once did I feel criticiized or judged. Maybe you do need a different set of friends. Friends who would just love you for yourself and let the Holy Spirit make the changes in you that should be made. I guess I just have a hard time understanding all the (not you) people who feel it is their duty to let others know when they are wrong.
Give other grace and let them grow in the Lord at their speed. Its so much fun and so much joy to be an encourager.
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RE: People Who Can't Take Criticism - 9/23/2008 4:38:42 PM
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SurpassingPeace
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I really agree with Sadey. Instead of criticizing friends and loved ones, I have found that encouraging them and beng supportive of their walk in the Lord to be much more effective. A couple of times, twice I think, the Holy Spirit moved me to speak to a friend about something. I prayed long and hard before I did and let the words I used come from the Holy Spirit.
quote:
Give other grace and let them grow in the Lord at their speed. Its so much fun and so much joy to be an encourager.
This is such an amazing thought. Sadey do you mind if I print this out so I can read it often? They are good words to live by.
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RE: People Who Can't Take Criticism - 9/23/2008 6:04:48 PM
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Sadey
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Sure, would you put a s on other? Thanks for your sweet words. Our church teaches, preaches and lives being a grace giving church. I have learned so much since attending this church. Being a Christian is a joy fulled way to live. I don't have to correct other people, God can take care of that, besides you know I'd be wrong and cause all kinds of trouble. I'll leave all that up to God, he seems to do fine without my help.
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RE: People Who Can't Take Criticism - 9/23/2008 6:15:33 PM
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imit8him
Posts: 229
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SurpassingPeace
I really agree with Sadey. Instead of criticizing friends and loved ones, I have found that encouraging them and beng supportive of their walk in the Lord to be much more effective. A couple of times, twice I think, the Holy Spirit moved me to speak to a friend about something. I prayed long and hard before I did and let the words I used come from the Holy Spirit.
quote:
Give other grace and let them grow in the Lord at their speed. Its so much fun and so much joy to be an encourager.
This is such an amazing thought. Sadey do you mind if I print this out so I can read it often? They are good words to live by.
I guess I see this a little differently. I agree with you that being forgiving and encouraging (against) of a friend's flaws is important, but I think the absence of criticism in a relationship is bad. The reason I say this is that the Bible tells us to sharpen one another and rebuke one another out of love to restore each other when we sin or when we simply have an area of weakness (that may not be moral per se...but just, for example, someone who is not good at something - maybe social skills). I don't think criticism is bad. It can be bad at times, if it is done in an unwarranted and/or harsh way, but I feel a sign of spiritual maturity includes giving and receiving criticism with wisdom and love.
I think of it this way...If I had a huge personality or moral flaw in my life and I continually engaged and activated that weakness and either didn't repent of it or know of it, but was harming others or driving other people away and giving them bad impressions, etc., I'd want a true friend to tell me. It would feel unconscientable to not tell me and allow me to do harm or not improve this area.
The best example I remember in my life that really humbled me a few years ago was when I had a habit of bragging about my athletic abilities. It was partially based on fact that I was skilled in my sporting interests, but I was also very proud and overly interested in myself and the praise I could get from others. My best and closest, mature Christian friend told me over coffee late one night that I needed to check this area of my life and personality. He was upset with me and rightfully so after I was talking way out of line. It was offensive and annoying for him to hear me speak this way and he also knew others disliked it and thought I was arrogant. He was stern in his rebuke and criticism, but did it in a caring brotherly way (shown through timing, tone of voice, and follow-up support). ....I just konw that if I carried on that way with that type of attitude that I would have driven away a lot of other people. Or worse, I would have attracted the wrong people and gotten too self-aborbed and have this problem lead to other issues. I remember being very hurt by what he said that night, but because I loved my friend and respected him so much, I never showed my wounded pride. I thought about what he said for weeks and finally it just hit me one day. I realized he was right and he was loving enough to tell me. I finally turned that part of me around. I also noticed the difference it made in my life with others as well. I had one guy tell me "Man, you used to be the biggest trashtalker and braggart I ever knew. What happened to you dude? What happened seriousLY?" ...I remember thnking exactly back to that rebuke from my friend and giving God the glory for that and sharing that with my friend.
I feel that my closest friendships, which are few currently, are with people who are very spiritually mature and who grow my heart and mind. I know they care for me, but they are also honest with me as well, which includes criticism that is needed.
I know my thread was not originally on whether we should criticize or not, but I just feel that it's often avoided due to common problems associated with it. I was very much like that myself...always avoiding and defending against criticism.
Ultimately, I know in my heart that it is something I value in my closest friendships. It's odd and maybe ironic that this single trait is smething that is even the difference between my closest friendships and those that are not as close. ....My closest friendships have healthy criticism, whereas my other ones are in a place that is not yet mature enough to have it.
Wow, sometimes I sound old when I talk like this. 
< Message edited by imit8him -- 9/23/2008 6:25:07 PM >
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RE: People Who Can't Take Criticism - 9/23/2008 10:59:17 PM
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buckifn
Posts: 1791
Joined: 5/23/2006
Status: offline
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Have you prayed with them about it and asked the Holy Spirit to guide them? I think that is our number one responsibility to help others.
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RE: People Who Can't Take Criticism - 9/23/2008 11:21:37 PM
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creationtalk
Posts: 695
Joined: 6/9/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
Why people can't take criticism...
1) It's stated in a condemning way (in other words, the person criticizing hasn't first taken the log out of their own eye first (in humility)).
2) The other person's identity & self-worth is found in the opinions of other people or in performance
3) They didn't ask for it
Agree with this. I would also add:
4) The person knows what he/she is doing is wrong, and doesn't care or doesn't want to stop (for whatever reason).
In this case, any attempt to convince them that the behavior should be stopped will garner only excuses or out-right verbal attacks on the person attempting correction
I have recently found myself in a semi-supervisory role (I am responsible for reviewing all the work that goes out for "quality" control). I have found that if I say "you are doing this wrong" I will have a negative reaction from the person, even if I did not mean it the way that they took it. If I say "I don't think this communicates effectively the information that is needed." Of if I ask "Did this answer the question that was asked?", I am much more likely to have a positive response. Also if I explain why something should be done a specific way, it works much better.
Re.: OP, you mentioned someone who is a professed Catholic living in outright sin. You have approached this person one on one without success. Mathew 18:15 says if you approach him about his sin and he won't respond, bring witnesses, then bring in the church and if he still won't repent, stay away from him. From the sounds of it, this last is what you need to do.
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RE: People Who Can't Take Criticism - 9/24/2008 9:31:46 AM
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deermousie
Posts: 1846
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Sadey
I just talked to my dear dear long time, 30 years, friend who is a strong Christian. While I was talking to her and laughing about our latest "growing in the Lord" I thought of you and your situation.
I think in all the years I've been friends with her she has never criticized me. Nor I her. We have talked through so many problems and situations that I have asked her for her opinion and insight on many many things. Never once did I feel criticiized or judged.
I think you hit the key, Sadey. Looking back at my own friendships: out of state - friends for 44 years - and in state - friends for 12 years - both are deep relationships, and neither has ever criticized me even once. And believe me, there's plenty they could criticize me for.
Once, when I was talking about my own failings, one friend suggested I was right, but did so in a gentle way. It wasn't a finger stuck in my face, but a wry agreement that was said in an accepting way. And she was just agreeing; she didn't bring the subject up. That's the only time in 12 years.
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